(Before Covid 19)

I distance you
Because I hate you!

(After Covid 19)

I distance you
Because I love you!

Closed my eyes
While the feeling
building up inside of me
  Stands on my chest, that caves
     Makes it hard to breathe.

Let's do this again
And again. Like my mind can't forget
Every single word they say, speaking to my anxiety.

And so it begins
Like it ends
Then I'm left to pretend
It comes easy as friends
that I have made,
But not today

I'd rather isolate.

My intentions stood
On everything good.
Tried to fix it
But can't skip the inevitable

Merciful his grace
Discovering my faith
Can you fix it
Can you  make my mind quit

Confusing thoughts with words, why can't I make it work.
Dyslexic
It's a mind game
And I dont want to play.

I have realized I have a very unstable mental state.
Like I'm pretty sure we have all seen that person on the street.
Where your first thought is, "yea they are on something".
That person is in control of my brain.
For example, a typical Friday night goes something like.

" I hate myself // you hate me // I love you // you love me but you actually hate me // I'm hungry // I want to die // sometimes I wish I was a squirrel // it would cool to have a pet sea monster // I hate myself".

But it's not all bad.
It feels like I have become aware of my emotions.
Being able to choose when something is funny, sad, or frustrating.
It's like a superpower that doesn't always work. Being able to smile on rainy days, is nice.
But not crying for losing someone close to you can be jarring to handle.
I am drowning in the dark ocean comprised of my anxiety and depression.
Losing oxygen and the will to try and swim back up.
I sink to the bottom, just to realize I can stand up.

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat
I'm weak
  or fat
  or both
Judgment
   from me and others
But I don't know what they're thinking
I assume
I assume they think
   I'm gross
   and fat
   and lazy
I could just be healthy
I could exercise more
Or eat fewer carbs and more protein
But I guess
   I am lazy
because I'd rather just stop eating
I know it's bad
I know it's dangerous
But my brain and my insecurity don't communicate
I'm insecure
       lazy
       gross
       unhealthy
       FAT

There’s things In my mind
that I sometimes struggle to find
things like who I really am
if I looked deep inside

These Intrusive thoughts
keep invading my mind,
and they lead me to believe
that everyone will leave me behind

There’s something explosive
inside of my chest
emotions leak out
I can’t keep them suppressed

Can’t tell what is real
I’m so dissociated
it’s like right after something happens
the memory is asphyxiated

I can go from pure joy
To exploding with anger
and its so hard to control
the impulsive behaviors

I have so many conversations
inside of my head
and theres someone inside of me
that says I’m better off dead

By the time I was fourteen
I’d made my first attempt
only a freshmen in high school
yet I was treated with such contempt

Now I’m an adult
and nothings really changed
except for being told
there’s a disorder in my brain

Now I don’t want any attention
but I need some affirmation
does anybody really care
or am I just a mental patient