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Her Jun 2020
i use to think
i slit my wrists
in hopes
i would forget
the emotional pain
and just focus on
the physical

i use to think
if i starved my body
for days on end
resulting in seizures
from my diabetes
the pain of hunger
would no longer
rumble within my bones

all those years
thinking i did it
as a distraction
but really

it was a way
to no longer be numb
to no longer be hollow
to remind myself that
i am allowed to f e e l
Asonna Jun 2020
It keeps me awake.
Hours.
      Days.    
Weeks.      

Repeat.

The body aches. The muscled pain.
My heart screams to slow its pace.
Just a hallowed shell of who i was,
Now forever a worrier.
A woman without trust.

Connections are few,
I'm trapped in a cell
The corners of my mind fog the clear view,
What used to be simple is now not without hue.

Every night the roof gets darker
But my minds awake with irrelevant chatter.
Clutch my chest to lessen the unbearable pain,
The heart starts screaming to slow its pace.
And now it's another night it will keep me awake
Cerasium Jun 2020
There's a reason I'm an introvert
Why I try so hard to fit in
Why I hate discrimination
Reason I'm so adaptable

I never feel like I'm good enough
I never feel like I'm worthy
Like I matter to anyone
That I'll ever belong

It took me a while
But I accept this now
It's part of who I am
It's a part of my mind

I'd like to think I'm not alone
That I have friends and love ones
That understand what is going on
Inside my head but the truth is

I'm alone
I try to explain
But it gets jumbled
It makes it more confusing

I end up alone
Surrounded by guilt and fear
Surrounded by the need to be accepted
To walk beside my friends

But the more I try
The worse it gets
The more I feel abandoned
The more I feel alone

Trapped behind walls
In which are too high to climb
Too thick to claw through
They surround me

Trapping me in a cell
Making it harder for others to get in
And making it harder for me to reach out
Cause even though I don't act it

Even though I make act otherwise
All I want is to be cared for
To be loved by someone
To be wanted

I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of feeling misunderstood
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep
I'm tired of the night terrors waking me up at night

I'm tired of the fear
The anguish
The resentment
The need

Set me free from this cage
This prison cell that binds me
So that I may finally reach the sky
And be free at least once
Lilith May 2020
They say these stretch marks are my tiger stripes,
signs of my strength.
But I have never wanted to be a carnivore.
I don't want to prey on those smaller than me,
the ones so fragile I think they may crack.
I want to be a sunflower.
Long, and tall, and slim,
tilting toward the sunlight,
not just unafraid
but yearning to be seen.

I have not felt the sun on my skin in so long
that I have forgotten how it feels to burn,
to let the rays rest on my goosebumps
and sink into the warmth.
I think I am destined to be cold.
To shiver under my own scornful gaze in the bathroom mirror,
because even though I only ate dinner,
I still woke up fat.

I never asked to be covered in stripes,
these scars that have defined me and
defiled me.
Before I even knew what it meant to be marked
I knew to hide.
I knew to pray that the earth would swallow me whole,
because at least in the ground nobody has to see me.

The sunflower turns to face the sun,
to feel the warmth on its petals.
And one day I will peel off these layers of death on my bones
and I will face the sun
and let it burn.
Àŧùl May 2020
Some parents try to control their children,
There's nothing wrong with controlling them,
No, there's nothing wrong with it, they think,
And they keep on doing it and dictating them.
As they find nothing wrong with it, they do it.
They satisfy the unrelinquished egos of their own,
Suffocating the children even after they grow up.
My HP Poem #1844
©Atul Kaushal
Aquila May 2020
Dear ed,
    Count this as a break up letter or the or the broken piece of me that found its way back. I made you a place in my body, carved  my rib cage out to open opportunities and your arms. made it so my collar bones could collect rain water so you so you could satisfy you thirst your fingers touched me with chills down my spine you made made me hungry for confidence  hunger desire  hunger then just hungry you made me light headed your words entered my thoughts and took possession took more than the part of me that i hated i skipped family dinners, school lunches, parties to be with you you breed  me on black coffee green tea and tumbler your love was a binged on low calorie and nightmares. The night mears rocked my world even though it was already was a day to day agenda for me i'm still scared to drink milk,fries, any thing with oil because of you not with you this wasn't a shared common ground between us it wasn't until i realized that i was starting to trade my way of life in for your yours at will, wasn't till i realized that's love doesn't come with loss of yourself it comes with growth along with an uphill battle with every **** thing you own everything  dear ed, this is a break up letter im not healed i still catch  myself crying over  to many chips i still have panic attacks because i'm full but at least i have every piece of me ed i'm done my body isn't something you can contort my body does not limit my opportunities my body does not define me and neither do you
                         Sincerely -recovery
shelly May 2020
All I have to do is go around the corner
To the other entrance to the parking lot
This should be easy
Driving is easy
I pull up to the road and look both ways
And horror strikes me to my core
The street isn’t empty

My knuckles turn pale as I grip the steering wheel
Like a cross to keep myself from shaking
My foot is on the gas pedal
The direction that this 3,000 pound machine goes
Is under my control
I lose control of my breath

I pull out onto the street

Swerve into the left lane
My mind says
There’s a family next to you
A mother singing along to the radio
A father stressing about his job
A little girl playing video games in the back
Next to her baby brother, still in a car seat
Their lives are fragile
My mind tells me
Slaughter them

I stop at the stop sign and look both ways

Humans are made of paper and glass
They collapse and shatter in a gentle breeze
And with this car I am Prospero
I can call tempests
I can crush their ribcages
Beneath the weight of metal and horsepower
Even if mother and father live
They must live with the empty space
Left behind by their much more tenuous children
I am collapsing under the weight of the power I hold
I am overwhelmed with visions of what I could do
What I might do
What I fear I will do

I turn the corner

I want to reach into my skull
And rip my brain free from its cavity
I do not want it to control me
I have no power over these obsessions
Despite the cocktail of medications I am prescribed
Despite the therapy
The conditioning
I can always pull the steering wheel
These intrusive thoughts will always infect me
They spread from my head to the rest of my body like a disease
I am sick

I pull back into the parking lot
wrote this at a writer's retreat a while ago c:
lexi May 2020
in the house
where sweet tulip roots fed off rotten wood,
where dark, faded mirrors
watched her cold breaths tremble,
where scars ran deep like poisoned blood
and shouts echoed through the veined walls;

the frozen tile still warmed as her feet brushed ground
and bluebirds puckered from her saccharine nectar
as the blossoms peaked their eyes
and the windows creaked,
full of promise.

seven years and we sprinted through tall grass fields,
wind chimes twinkling at each heave of breath
and thin strands of gold-spun hair glistening
like dew on morning leaves.

eight years and we climbed the tallest tree,
rough bark cutting into smooth skin
and fragrant scents of newborn pine sheathing
the smell of freshly fallen tears.

nine years and she sat on the back of my bike,
wind whipping her frail frame until each bone groaned
and creaked at every brittle secret spilled
from laced lips sewn shut with rusted needles.

and with every passing year,
a sweet drop of youth fell from her mouth into mine,
until smooth skin turned callous and pine and tears
became a sickly new perfume.

thirteen years and i watched her hover in the mirror
and probe her ribs with each pointed finger.
“wouldn’t i be so much better like this?” she said.
i laughed.

fifteen years and she was melting into the earth
as i watched her blow on a daffodil,
every exhale like a sharp knife,
and her newly hollowed cheeks
pulling taut to her bones.

in her house,
the frozen tile stilled as weary feet tread
and windows creaked, a broken whisper
of her lost thread.

i wrapped my fingers over her
thigh, thumb to thumb.

and then there was nothing left to hold.
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
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