Though social situations
claw at my heart
and make it frantic
the scariest company
I am ever with is within me

Because alone with myself
is like walking a minefield
every thought a calculated move
to not step on a bomb

No matter what other say
it isn't as scary as me
because I cannot run away
from my own thoughts

People tell me I am ugly
I know that I am nothing
my thoughts already know
I am worthless and disgusting

The darkness lives within me
waiting inside my mind
to drag me down from within
and strangle the air from my lungs

Sure other people are scary
and social situations tedious
but nothing you can't avoid
or grit your teeth through

But as I grit my teeth in a smile
a voice within shouts at me
and tells me sweetly my inadequacies
I listen to it as it picks at me

It tells me what I already know
what I know everyone thinks
it tells me I am not worthy
of affections or connections

The worst place to be
is anywhere that includes me
because being with myself
has the hardest company to please

Rage flows,
When the pains shows,
That others have to go through,
When there's nothing you can do...

****** eyes,
Bruised thighs...
All from they guys they've come to trust.
It's disgusting...

And the saddest part of it all,
Most won't even tell a soul.

Because they don't want to worry us.
Or maybe,
It's too dangerous,
To try and run away..

All I can say is,
Don't be afraid to try and trust again,
Because I swear,
You can love again.

Because, we can help.
Even if it is, just to listen.

~Robert van Lingen

I can't remember the last time you smiled
I can't remember the last time you asked me how I felt
I can't remember the last time you said "I love you"
I can't remember the last time you understood
I can't remember the last time we agreed
I can't remember the last time we laughed together; truly laughed
I can't remember the last time we sat down and talked
I can't remember the last time I was good enough

All I remember is your hatred
All I remember is your scorn
All I remember is your sharp, cutting words
All I remember is that unending disappointment
All I remember is my pleas being ignored
All I remember is you telling me I'm worthless

And I remember
the day I took those pills because of you

Hollow, floating just on the surface,
Follow the motes of dawn 'till they drown.
Plastic and pleasant: all that the earth is,
Spastic and present: rising, rising to fall back down.

I have never felt right,
writing this poem.
They keep saying
that I'm "strong".
I don't feel strong.
I feel...

like ripping off my skin
wouldn't be enough
that breaking my hands
couldn't help

I feel lost.
The lion has left me.