i think my demons are feeling replaced.
the things they would normally communicate to me
are coming out of the mouths of those i am forced to surround myself with.
you can't be convinced of something you've already accepted.

i used to pray for the voices to stop
but ever since they've been quieted by those around me,
i've decided that i'd rather have the voices--
the lesser of two evils.
it's ironic, isn't it?
like how i crawled into my bed last night and cried,
"i just want to go home"
until i fell asleep.
am i supposed to feel disappointed every time i wake up?
i shouldn't feel like a stranger in my own skin.

lately i've been struggling a lot
in this sea of anxiety.
it's hard to float with bullet holes in your back.
maybe that's why i've been drowning
for as long as i can remember.

just pull me under.
please.
j.c.

I did find the hero willing to enter my gruelling darkness. A hero willing to fight the obscure demons raging in my head. Im no longer sitting alone in this dreadful darkness. Im done pushing everyone away. Demons u can’t control me anymore. I’ve got my hero now.

Oh god,
I’m done.
I can’t be a fighter nor can I be survivor anymore.
I’m tired.
I can no longer fight my own battles.
I’m surrounded by darkness.
I’m a prisoner of my own demons.
Oh god.
I’m done.

The demons are after me,
Endeavouring to dwindle all my super powers
Enshrined in my soul.
But I,
I reconcile fragmented pinions
Powered with world of words, dreams,love and hope,
Now no malign souls,
Aren't after me,
As I have turned myself into a fire,
My pinions into a universe,
And my soul,
A rebel.

I'm all alone
Its like this world has a way of reminding me of that.
I can fill my life with people
But when I lay down to sleep
Even next to the one I love
I slip into my mind.
Disney never told me
That the knight in shining armor
Can't save me from my nightmares.
Slaying dragons?
Can't you slay my demons?
I'm not locked inside a tower
But I'm locked inside my mind.
Banging on the walls
Screaming to get out.
But you know what?
No one can hear me in there.
The screams drive me nuts
But no one else hears a thing.
You might think I'm crazy
But if you stayed for eternity
You'd go crazy too.
It's unfair of me to put that burden on someone else.
It's unfair to expect that anyone can save me from my thoughts.
It's unfair to expect anyone to understand.
I cling to people hoping that somehow if I hold tight enough
That I can bring them with me.
That the warmth of their touch
Will somehow ward off the cold, dark, endless horror.
That the screaming in my head will silence
Bc I have someone who's finally heard me.
Maybe the demons will stray if they realize I'm not alone.
They taunt me.
Like a school ground fight at the flagpole.
But maybe if someone could stand up for me.
Step into my circle and help me up.
Maybe then they would stop.
Taunting and beating and laughing.
They like to see me fail.
I can't help but think if only I wasn't a failure..
If somehow I'm the one who's supposed to save myself.
If i just stop failing for one second.
Maybe I'm my knight in shining armor.
Why didn't Disney write about that?
I guess "Save yourself" wouldn't be a very good title.
But they would've in turn saved me.