I want to be confident but I dont know how.
Men have never told me I was beautiful.
They’ve never shown me I’m worth while just being me
I've always struggled with my self image. Constantly gaining and losing 20 pounds
I thought I had finally found a boy who genuinely thought I was beautiful
But boy was I WRONG! 

At 120 pounds my boyfriend called me fat when I was on top during ***
I rolled over and cried feeling so insecure
He just continued to **** me. Telling me I looked like a cow
He continued to degraded me whenever we had ***
This continued for weeks.
At 120 pound the same boy chose to slap me across the face so hard I fell to my knees.
Apparently telling him I had been ***** last week was somehow my fault.
To him I was now fat and disgusting
I started to believe him so I just let him beat me down.
At 110 pounds I was still too fat and he said I was disgusting to look at
He told everyone I was a ***** and broke up with me.
Now I can’t let a man see me naked without wanting to cry
I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing his words
And I sure as hell don't have enough confidence to stand up for myself

i try to make it look like i'm okay
but I’d be lying if I said that I was
and no one sees through the smile
No one  sees that i'm crying
i keep pretending that things are ok
Walking around with lonely feeling
i can't keep walking this line
Sooner or later I’m going to fall
And no one is going to catch me

what if we tried again?
what if we started over?
what if we got coffee and introduced ourselves all over again?
would you find me attractive? would you think i was beautiful? would you feel your heart skip beats like you said you did before?
would i be funny? would you laugh at my stories?
would you be nervous? would you shift in your seat and pick at your nails, squirming when we made eye contact?
would i be enough? would you leave thinking you'd want to see me again? or would you say that was nice, and move on?
what if we stayed friends? what if we hung out a lot, studied together, did stupid **** together?
what if it was like it was before without any titles?
would you fall back in love with me?
would you watch me when I laughed, turn back to look at me when I left?
what if while we're friends you find someone new?
what if she hates me?
what if she wants me out of your life?
would you leave?
would i be alone?
what if you fall in love with me and I've moved on? what if we're in a cycle of missed opportunities all because I ****** it up the first time?
these what ifs are killing me and i know maybe they might be killing you too.
I can't tell if you're thinking about me,
you've always remained a bit of a mystery to me.
I'm going to **** my brain thinking about the what if's that I can't control.
what if
what if
what if



what if i still love you and I'm never going to get to hold you again?

You walked back  into  my  life
for the What seemed like the tenth time just like you had never left
Like a part of you had always lived in me
I thought my heart your home.

Here  I  am. . .
Now knowing  
Love didn't really exist,
and now when I look at  you
Pain is all I see
when I look  at  you
I no longer see the love

And in the middle
of all this chaos
there you are
Still finding ways back in after I tried so hard to shut you out
There you are still the subject of everything I write

Dear heart!,
please calm down!
it's just a text from her,
doesn't mean anything.
Please take it easy,
steady and queasy.

Had this discussion before,
Last time drowning in sorrows,
broken apart in pieces,
trapped in Band-Aids and stitches.
that sharp pain, felt like a heart attack.
Can't see you in that shape again.
Don't act like a clown!
and please calm down!

Sure she's nothing to say,
same old crap and foul play,
just some what's ups and fake concerns display.
You are gullible and innocent,
her words are your stimulant.

You will cry again and crack,
so let me handle this attack.
just sit back uptown!
and please calm the **** down!

"forgive me"
she wrote
in midnight ink
flowers in her hair
stars dripping down her cheeks
she wanted to say
"i love you"
she wanted to say
"i can fix this"
she wanted to say
"please"
and she wrote it
every word
on the page

i feel empty

i feel as if i’m floating through life

watching it through the eyes of someone else

i feel heavy

as if i'm being dragged down and no longer have the strength to push my way up

is it possible to feel these two things at once?

the feeling of nothingness

the feeling of excruciating pain

how can emptiness feel so heavy?