if I told you
the "F" marked on my
birth certificate wasn't me
would you tell me how wrong
I am?
how I'm too young
to know or think something
like that?
if I told you I'd rather
flatten my chest
deepen my voice
shorten my hair
be called something
you think I'm not
how would that turn out?
I hope one day
I can tell you how I feel
without the fear or proof that
to you
I wouldn't be a child
playing dress up

I hold with care the value of the Wait
with a backdrop of the intrusion of the Immediate;
I relish the Not Yet,
not looking for an untimely rush into the unfinished;
I anticipate the delicious Hope,
ignoring the clamour of dissent;
and not taking anything for granted, I do all I can to clear space,
to listen with intent
and to then herald the Promise of the Soon,
the ready-coming-King,
and I embrace the God-With-Us
Now.

I'll rewind the clock and swear on a life long lost.
Some days all I feel like is a vessel,
A decrepit theaterhouse, running memories.

Staring out with blank eyes at the ceiling.

Finding myself only to lose myself the next day;
Force-fed a shadow from a wall
From in my dreams. I am not this cryptic skin,

I am not who I was, and that is a blessing

I should have accepted and embraced long ago,
I am not a part of the puzzle because the puzzle

                                                         ­        was a myth in the first place.

I think I'm gay
for you

Are you straight?
for me???????

Yolo

How could I tell you something that shames so much?
Now we could never really talk about feelings,
Always such a distance touch,
An impenetrable wall we both couldn't nudge,
So I've learned to fight my own demons,
Barely escaping ****** and beaten.

How could I tell you that you do not know me like you think you do,
And that I've lied to you,
Over and over,
And maybe that's why we aren't closer
I remember your stern eyes making wish
For an eternal slumber.

How could I tell you that I know I am your biggest disappointment?
That it hurts me to the bone because you have kept me in such high regard
But you only admire and are proud of a simple facade
And that you could never love the person I truly embody
As your perception of who I am is foggy
Not the son you wanted me to be,
But the one who will smash your vision of clarity.

How could I tell you that for so long I've cried myself to sleep,
The denial it ran so so deep,
Me and self-love are strangers without your acceptance,
Despite the nights I prayed for repentance,
None came just Divine resentment.

How could I tell you that even though you've suffered through so much pain,
That I'm just another hatchet that will bury deep within your skin,
That I'm the loser and there's no way to win,
Fresh scars of your hopes and dreams,
Faded dim,
Your affection of me, I know, will wain thin.

How could I tell you that I remember the look in your eyes when I exposed my naked truth,
As innocent as the boy in my youth,
You met me with harsh shards of reality,
Scorned my vulnerability and crushed my sensibilities
Searching for love unsteadily,
Screaming and crying wearily,
Desperately looking for light in those eyes,
But you met me with rejection;
Needing poetry to escape into my own fantasy,
Your eyes will forever haunt me.

How could I tell you that I have always loved you,
Despite the pain in my heart you put me through,
Like any child I cling to the memory of you,
So that you could proudly call me Son,
But you realise your expectations are undone?

No, Mum I don't want a wife and I don't like sports and I hate the taste of beer and I'm never going to be the man you want so preciously and I hate the sound of your voice when you shout 'cause it reminds me of the time you told me to get out,
So I tried to destroy myself.
Intoxicate myself.
Harm myself.
Laugh at myself.

How could I tell you that the reason I always look dead behind these eyes is that my home felt like a prison,
With you as the jailer,
Nervous and petrified if anyone would see my indecision if asked a simple question "Got a girlfriend Janal?".

How could I tell you that I love you,
But I can't change the way I am,
Despite the amount of times I've tried,
I can't go on living in a lie,
And I know you'll be ashamed of me,
And your heart will break
But I am not putting on a face to be fake.

How could I tell you that your real son is gay?
And that he hasn't changed and still loves you?
And he hopes that maybe one day,
You'll love him too?

I'm nearly 20.
I thought by now I would be able to see clearly,
But it's cold outside and a little foggy,
Don't really feel in control of my life

I'm a little dizzy

I feel naive, trying to plan my life out,
Truth is those plans drive me crazy,
I'm lost in the moments of adolescence,
Makes me sick, makes me weary,
I thought my life would nourish me plenty,
Not to say I'm simply unhappy,
It's just that i can't help but think that...

Why have things turned out so differently?
What is life trying to tell me? To teach me?

I'm nearly 20.
I look like a delicate seed but feel like an old oak tree,
Worn in, old and bashed against the sea,
Feel like I'm drifting motionlessly,

Into that sea

The captain's dead and rafts are broken,
haven't got any sense of direction,
Wonder where i am going,
Floating in introspection,
And I just can't help but think that,

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Lost my childhood, sadly
I'd be lying if I said i haven't lost more, frankly,
But no regrets, they've shaped me into the man I am, even if it's been crazy
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Thought I loved him
Boy did he put me in a frenzy,
Shame you were a waste of time and money,
But I'll never forget your eyes- soft blue eyes staring at me kindly,

I found a home in them,unexpectedly,
Don't worry though, I will still be friendly,
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
I've not been a saint, incidentally
Realize I've made bad choices, with and without company,
Ready to put them a cemetery,
Bury them into soil and dirt,

Maybe then I can look back and feel less hurt so i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Still writing sad poetry
Listening to the same old bands,
Unfortunately,
Feel like I'm changing, not the same old me
So much more I could be,
What happens now, I don't really know,
But I'm nearly 20,
So I guess we'll see.