he'll wait for you
to get home, at a party
where your soul is
practically naked

then you'll come home
to a beast, lying
dormant until
he laid his eyes on you

he will kiss you
like there's no
tomorrow

you'll beg for him
to give it all
like a savage beast
unchained

he'll *******
with such ferocity
and you'll ******* fall
in love

with the idea that
he is
your little secret

-

he'll hear what you say
while you're walking
in the reality
outside cages

you'll want to
with great desire
to hold his hand
but you must not

he'll snap
at the slightest moment
you touch his hand

you'll wonder if
you're with the same
beast, the one you've
been in bed with

after all,
you'll give up trying
while he's out
of his cage

cause he
is your little secret

-

you'll wait for him
to let go of his
chains that he put
when he's out


you'll try to kiss him
in the open, and he'll
resist, resist until
you get tired

and you'll blame yourself
for his lack of
courage

one day you'll ask him
why must he
be
your
little secret?

but you can't blame him

cause you've learned
to love
someone
who
doesn't embrace
who you are
what you are

but then again,
it's not his fault
it's
actually
yours.

when i was a freshman one of my friends told me that there was a girl who was talking about me
asking why i was pretending to be straight and that everyone could tell that i was gay
my friends and i laughed it off like children and i quipped “i’m not pretending anything, just ask anyone and they’ll know”

now, i think of the rainbow socks, the only thing i own with a rainbow on it, being shoved down to the bottom of my sock drawer as if it would pop out at any minute and proclaim it’s existence if it were any higher. now, i think of the rainbow highlight that i applies in the bathroom at midnight, pausing every now and again to make sure i was alone. Now, i think of the pride nail art that i scrubbed off my nails minutes after i painted it on. now, i think of the last word in a poem that i wrote and turned in, scared i was being too obvious with the word they.

now, i think of the horrible creature sitting in my chest that simultaneously begs to never tell my secrets and to also scream them from the roof tops. i think of the sludge that lives in me and climbs up my throat, whispering safety into my ear while also ripping apart everything it touches. i think of the pain i feel whenever i say that i’m gay, because it makes things easier if the works sees me as a girl who loves other girls.

before thinking of this poem i had sat back and wondered how many bottles it would take of the various prescription medicines that my parents kept in the kitchen cabinet to **** me. when i remembered the name they would put on the tombstone i stopped and walked away. i remember the time where i couldn’t walk away and i had reached in and grabbed a full bottle of ibuprofen and i took a single one, hoping that my screaming head could be sated by the feeling of a single pill crawling down my throat.

i had a dream last night about someone called addison.
they looked me in the eyes and before i even knew what they looked like their physical form flickered until they were a bright shining star in a vaguely human form.

they sat next to me as we floated in a void on a picnic blanket and they put their arm around my shoulder which felt like a hug from someone i used to know but had forgotten
i stared at their glasses that looked too much like mine as they flickered in and out of existence and they told me i was not where i was supposed to be.

i didnt ask them where but they heard it anyways as if breaking into my thoughts. they answered that they could not tell me and when i thought why they said they didn’t want to spoil the fun of a brighter future for them and me.

i woke up with the taste of lavender on my tongue and the desire to change my name.