She stood from the outside only hoping to be among the others.
Wondering why she couldn't show her love.
Infuriated but yet so scared of how the world would view her.
Second guessing her past, current,and future moves.
Go out or Stay in.
"Why must I hide you, love?"
"Because, you'll lose those most precious to you and from there, there is no going back"
Deciding she would rather keep her family and stay private rather than lose those closest to her, she held her wife in the tightest grasp and whispered
"I'm sorry my love. There's always tomorrow"

if I told you
the "F" marked on my
birth certificate wasn't me
would you tell me how wrong
I am?
how I'm too young
to know or think something
like that?
if I told you I'd rather
flatten my chest
deepen my voice
shorten my hair
be called something
you think I'm not
how would that turn out?
I hope one day
I can tell you how I feel
without the fear or proof that
to you
I wouldn't be a child
playing dress up

I’ve written before
About living in the grey
The in betweens and out of lucks.

I seem to never escape
The areas where the line blurs.
I don’t love just one part
I can’t be just one type
I’m a hurricane and a sprinkle
A little lost a little found  
Blue grey black yellow pink

These dualities live in me
The insecurity yet destiny
The anxiety yet certainty
The love of one v love of all
And above all
The absolute knowledge
That these dualities
Can’t
Be
Known.

"it's either my thyroid
or an iron deficiency"
i would say.

but it was always you:
etching away at
my waist
my thighs
my cheeks
straight
to the bare bone.

how did you expect me
to busy myself
while i slowly withered away,
waiting for the day
when you'd realize how
you
were the one
who was drowning me?

but it's just that
every ******* time our eyes met,
or we grazed each other
under the platonic guise,

i collapsed.

i exhaled,
retaining my semblance of calmness
while i dutifully
parted ways with
another fragment of my pure innocence;

i knew it was you.
it always was you.

Walking on eggshells
You never knew what that quite meant
Until she came along
Aphrodite on earth
Tugging at your fingertips
Loving all your curves
Whispers in the night

She took your hand
And dragged you along
Through her personal fairy tale land

Her land
Her confidence
Her freedom so loud
You could see an eagle next to her

Why couldn’t you be like that?
Maybe she would’ve stayed if you had
But you had the voice of a mouse
The freedom of zoo animals
The land of the not-so-free

Perhaps she got sick of the endless hiding
You called them adventures,
hoping she would buy into the idea
Of sliding, sliding, sliding
Deeper into the closet
she had so proudly dug herself out of

It wasn’t meant to be
The girl of the trapped
And the girl of the free
Yet they so strongly held on
To giggles and cuddles
The love of your lifetime
But soon she was gone

it's been a day
since we last let our love seep through,
since you held me close
in that moment, now long gone.

then you shoved me away
once you'd had enough
of my then-green heart;
it's been a day.

your punches and kicks
have turned my heart black;
i will no longer feel.
i won't let myself.

"that didn't count,"
your worried soul insisted
never venturing beyond
your delicate bubble.

go after her then.
Leave me here,
a sinful
nothing.

go after her then.
go be
your father's
son.

love
is simply too elusive.
so you may as well
get comfortable.

My eyes linger
Just a little
Too long.
Quickly,
I avert my gaze,
As if my irises
Have been burned
By the sight,
By my shame.

Her lips are fresh
And pink.
I speak to them,
And I’m sure
She notices.

I wait for her
In the mornings
And eagerly
Anticipate her
Arrival to class,
Not-so-subtly
Saving a seat.

My heart flutters
At her casual
Touch.
My body leans in
And yearns
For more.

She is beautiful,
But she doesn’t know it.
I know I can’t have her,
But I crave her
Just the same.

It pains me
To keep my hands at my side,
To not cup her cheek,
To leave our fingers untangled,
To keep my sweet nothings
To myself.

I hold back and I hide.
I don’t share with the world what I am feeling inside.
I let myself think it,
I let myself believe it.
But if it never leaves my head,
Will it ever be real?

Why am I so afraid?
Speaking my truth is all that will give me peace.
I shrink back from it,
I’m curled up in a ball in the corner of my mind.
Waiting to be consumed,
The darkness surrounds me.

Sometimes I think I see the light,
Flickers here and there remind me I’m not alone.
I’ve almost followed them out,
Out of the darkness,
Out of the pain,
Out of the shadows of doubt and torment.

But as quickly as I stand up,
I am pulled right back.
I return to my corner,
It’s comfortable there.
The shadows are my friends,
The darkness shields me from pain.

But it’s the moments when her arms are around me,
It’s these moments when I run the hardest to get out.
Her eyes tell me I can do it,
Her touch tells me she’ll catch me.
But when I blink,
The shadows rush back in.

The darkness tells me to look away.
Look away, don’t let her pull you out!
This corner is where you are comfortable,
This corner protects you, remember?
I shrink back from her touch,
I look at anything but her.

Trapped or kept safe?
It’s an endless cycle and I can’t escape.
I curl back up into myself,
Shadows fall back across my shoulders.
I’m crying on the inside,
I’m smiling on the outside.

Oh to be free from the depths of my mind!
I think about leaving my corner,
Emerging from the darkness,
Brushing off the shadows.
Exclaiming to the world who I am!
And running straight to her.