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Mikayla McGarvey Apr 2017
You have become an all to familiar presence in my life. From the wave of incompetence that often washes over me as soon as I wake up, to the heavy ache that nuzzles itself beside me as I sleep – you are the unwanted intruders that force themselves into the comfort of my being.  You haunt me with my own thoughts, and use my fears and insecurities against me.  Time and time again you feed me lies by telling me that I am not worthy  - that I am not good enough for success or deserving of love.  Sometimes you even tease me by leaving for a short while, giving me a small glimpse of freedom - only to quickly return with new and more powerful tricks up your sleeve.

Together you are the dichotomy that makes it absolutely impossible to get through even the most remedial of tasks.  Anxiety, you keep me awake at night by preying on my paranoia, causing me to obsess over every stupid mistake I have ever made, and reminding me of all the things that I have not done.  All the while, Depression you cast your cloud upon me by keeping me in bed all day, and telling me that nothing matters anyway.  This unrelenting battle in my mind puts me in a state of frantic melancholy – constantly sending me to the brink of madness.  Learning to understand how to live with you is like learning how to live in a body that is not mine.

You are the wildfire that will stop at nothing to destroy every sign of life within its path, and I am the blackened remnant of a forest.  Gasping for breath in oxygen depleted air – I desperately cling onto the slightest bit of life I can find.  I fight to gain control over this insanity.  I will not let you win.

I will not let you win because you do not get to define how I live.  You seek to **** quietly and without notice but I will no longer sit in silence.  I will speak up, because I am tired of feeling trapped within the confines of my own mind. I am tired of putting on this happy face, and pretending like I am okay.  


But you know what?

It is in those moments where you make me feel helpless that I will continue to push forward and fight, because no matter how tight your grasp, how loud your screams, or how hard your scratches may be, I know that I am growing.  Just like the flowers die in Winter and learn to bloom again with Spring, my soul is learning how to rejuvenate amidst this storm.

It is in those moments when I begin to retreat back into the darkness of isolation, where despite my cries for help, I find familiarity in pushing away those around me -that I will write and I will create. I will expose your haunting thoughts, and the debilitating lies that you feed me because contrary to how you make me feel, I am NOT alone in this.

It is in those moments when I start to feel myself slipping into your fatal complacency, when I feel suffocated by the inner workings of my own brain that I will CHOOSE to be joyful. I will CHOOSE to be inspired rather than to be defeated.  I will CHOOSE to be kind to myself. I will CHOOSE to love on those around me, and I will CHOOSE to put my hope and my identity in my God.  

I know that it won’t be easy, and I know that some days will be harder than others, but it is in this simple declaration where a new page will be turned. This is me reclaiming my body, my mind, and my spirit.  This is me CHOOSING to no longer be a prisoner to you.  This is me beginning to set myself free.
xxSarahxx Dec 2016
Get yourself a chronic illness.
You will get frustrated with the pain,
And you will start to be aggressive towards the people you most love.
They don't understand & that's okay, because you don't wish this on nobody.
But you hope that they will understand you.
You fight with them until the picture of them fades in the distance.

Then you are alone on the journey fighting your own body . . .
Feeling like I am loosing you.
Luna Lynn Nov 2016
my pain is invisible to you
as i sleep the day away
the ache never subsides
the fear never fades
and the clock ticks
there goes another day

another tear
another night of crying
through the pain
alone in suffering
in an agonizing way
and the world just keeps turning
as i yearn to watch it spin

the end of the rope is tied
yet my faith is not secure
it's the fear that keeps hope dead
it's the past; the memories
that fill me with dread
it's all i have endured

be still in the shadows
i try to coat my doubts
fear in light exposes weakness
and to you i'm a nuisance
a burden
you blow the candles out

i try with every drop of blood
to keep this soul in circulation
don't let it win
i say
clench your fists
grind your teeth
grasp the demon in his realm
don't accept his invitation


but there's the dread
but there's the pain
but there's the inability to cope
you see this thing
it has you by the throat
ready to slash and slice and take your
LIFE!

and so i crumble
not from being weak
but from remaining too strong
from carrying the weight of oceans and rivers and valleys and mountains and plains travelled
far too long

oh the hurt it subsides at times
though it is never absent
i ask God to heal
what the world says can't be
and so i take what lemons they hand me
in hopes that someone keeps their word
promising a happy ending
a cure

in the time being as i lay here
in the dark thinking about tomorrow
and where i might go
all i ask is for your grasp

please don't let me walk alone
(C) Maxwell 2016
Y Rada Jul 2016
Will you still love me
with my special disease: Hepa B?
will you still say that you adore
and cherish me forever more?

Will you still kiss me sweetly
with my special disease: Hepa B?
will you still comfort me in embrace
and in your arms I find a safe place?

Will you still hold my hand gently
with my special disease: Hepa B?
will you still give me white roses
read silly notes while bumping our noses?

Will you still want to have a baby
even with my special disease: Hepa B?
will you still be my man in the future
and love me even if there's no cure?
**Dedicated to all victims of this silent killer: Hepatitis B.
May God give us strength from any pain..
May Jesus' name shall reign forever in our hearts...
Life is still beautiful..**
Samantha Hudson Nov 2015
I see my mirror posted on my wall.
I stop and stare at what I see.
I can't fix the mess in front of me.
Eyes swallowed by darkness and a smile that hides my misery.
I try to fathom how this all came to be..

What happened to me?

A life stolen by illness and disability.
Invisible ones that most of the time, you can't see.
I try to hide behind a strong facade.
Deep down inside, I quit.
I'm tired of playing games.

So I hide my thoughts and push them away.
I stand up tall, and push through the day.
But, When no one's looking, to my knees, I pray..

For. Just. One. Day.
A work in progress.

Just random thoughts I haven't ordered.
Ynika Aron Jun 2014
If I lay on that big, white bed for along time,
will you help me find my Father?
If I put tubes in my arm
and didn't eat for a week,
would you show me where he is?
Will the robot standing next to my head feed me
coordinates through rhythmic beeps and blips and red flashing lights?
I will do that.
I will shrink in my bed
and let my hair shed off like snake skin
and let my skin wrinkle like I had been in the bath tub for too long
and leave the windows wide open so my children can watch.
My lungs will burn out
and you'll put a mask on my face
and add one more tube to the collection
in the crook of my elbow,
adding more weight
as I lose mass
just like my Father.
And after countless times of being told,
"You have his smile,"
I will truly know what they meant
when my lips become sandpaper
and my tongue becomes parchment
and my teeth hollow out in gradients of pale moon yellow.
The iron from my blood
will add zest to every wheezing hack
and trickle down my throat like the morning dew
watering the growing weeds in my lungs.
I will do nothing but blink my crusting, glazed eyes
when my family cries at my bedside.
I will not flinch as their shouted cries echo the hallway
or look up as they throw their hands to the sky,
begging to a name I had long turned away from.
Would I find my Father if the flesh of my cheeks sunk into its bones
and my face was contoured by the ugly shadows in its
every crevice?
Even then, I would not find my Father.
I would not find my Father
until the white coats stand over my bed,
prodding me with pens and magnifying glasses and stinging needles,
and finally tell my family there is no chance.
I would nto be my Father until I refuse to cry
or scream
or become angered
or say goodbye.
I will be relieved that after countless months of being dead,
they finally declare my pulse gone.
I wrote this for my ATYP English class last year. It is not from my perspective.
Luna Lynn Apr 2014
something has to be better
just has to be
what a life to live to always be in pain
what a life to live to never be free
popping pills to end the misery
but in reality it never ends
soon pleasure becomes a stranger
and pain becomes your friend
Living with a chronic illness *****.. the fight never ends.

(C) Maxwell 2014
Luna Lynn Mar 2014
I should just give up
The doctors don't have a clue
It seems they're done too
(C) Maxwell 2014
Luna Lynn Mar 2014
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
you can smoke a pack of cigarettes in one setting and not even get sick
you can cut yourself ten times over and never feel the *****
you could walk through a thousand graveyards and not even be afraid
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
and it looks like you've given in and given up
and nobody understands this is how it goes
because when you scream and shout what you feel deep in your pitiful soul
still nobody knows
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

to be numb is not to be weak
to be numb is not to belittle the being
to be numb is not misunderstanding
to be numb is not to abandon the self
there just comes a point in life when you feel nothing
When it becomes too much, you just choose not to be it anymore.

(C) Maxwell 2014

— The End —