Aahoc

Aahoc May 27

I wanna wear a knee brace to school

Maybe then they'll know that the pain i feel is real

The screaming

The crying

Begging, pleading

And whining

All these fall on deaf ears

Maybe if they can see it with their eyes

and touch it with fingertips

or feel it as it brushes against their unscathed leg in the crowded hallways

Maybe then they'll be forced to acknowledge it

#pain #invisible #mental #health

Aahoc May 27

Is it me?

Is it me?
As the walls come crashing down, yet again
I can only blame external forces so many times.
What is the pattern?
It is I.
I am the only common thread.
If fortresses are the end goal,
Then why am I constantly surrounded by rubble?
Stagnant reminders of past failings
How am I placing the bricks?
Is that the issue?
What about the materials?
Where do they come from?
The mortar!
That must be it.
Couldn't be.
Could it be?
I just don't know.
One thing is evident
-
The fault is mine.

#friendship #selfexamination #blame

Aahoc Jan 2024

010520241

How much is too much?
This is the question that plagues me night and day.
Some say that I love loudly.
Others say that I'm obsessed.
Essentially they mean the same thing, but taste very different coming out of the mouth.
Which is it?
It feels like the latter is true.
Strike that.
I don't feel like the latter is true -
At least not when there are no external forces plunging me into those depths.
I feel like it's the first option.
I feel like I simply love loudly.
Who am I to say though?
My opinion is of no consequence here.
And, truth be told, I am in the minority in that fight.
Outnumbered more than Gideon and his men.
Majority wins.
Majority wins?
Not in this matter.
I don't agree with that.
Once again though...who am I to say?
Those who I am loving loudly are really the only ones that can decide that -
At least that's how it should be.
My opinion on this should be shelved.
Pushed to the back to collect dust and only pulled out from time to time to admire and then to be carefully tucked away yet again.
Treat it as if it's gold.
But remember it as if it's that one stoop that you passed by that one time in 1993 that had that one pink step.
Every once in a blue moon, something jogs your memory and brings that to the fore.
It crosses your mind and then goes right back to where it belongs -
Out of sight.
Influencing nothing.
That's how it should be.
That's how it should be?
That question is irrelevant now.
All that matters is that it happens and everyone, especially those not rightfully entitled to one, has a verdict on this that they have to share.
I understand that they have nothing else to do.
That must be rough.
Nothing to fill their time.
What an awful plight.
My heart goes out to them.
(I hope that sentiment wasn't too much.)
In the end - I say this with all my might, but very little hope -
all that truly matters is that you don't get to dictate how much is too much.

Aahoc Dec 2023

1225231

As I sink low into the seat's warm embrace,
I breathe a sigh of relief and look over at your face.
You gently put the car in reverse and a sheepish grin creeps across your lips as you softly say, "Go ahead..."
Out of my mouth begins to flow all of the thoughts that I've held back for hours now.
I felt as if I was going to explode from holding them in.
You listen intently - laugh when it's funny, wipe my tears when it's not, keep your eyes on the road yet somehow peer into my soul
We debrief about so-and-so's dress and her husband's audacious laugh, the reason I kicked you under the table, and the dog's incessant need for belly rubs.
Was the dip salty to you?
Are you sure my dessert was good? Do you think that they actually liked it? Should I make it again?
Your words reassure me like a gold star carefully placed at the top of my homework page.
I glance forward and feel hypnotized for just a moment by the white and yellow lines zipping past and leading us home.
My gaze shifts back to you as my focus is captured by the song that is lowly playing in the background.
It revives a thought in my head and I exclaim, while sitting up straighter, "That reminds me..."
This is how I preface the crucial account that explains why I did not deserve to lose that game and I am convinced that the host's cousin was cheating.
You chuckle and nod in agreement as your foot presses against the pedal when the green light shines down.
Tonight the drive home is not a long one and I can't wait to slip into more comfortable clothes.
But, I take a moment and soak it all in because I know that this is my favorite part of going out.
Or...
At least it would be if you were here.
Or if you were ever here.
Or if I knew who you were at all.
But, you're not.
You never were.
And I don't know.
So I just jam the gears into reverse.
And listen to a sad song on repeat.
This is my least favorite part of going out.
This is what I admit
As I sink into the cold, lonely seat.

Aahoc Nov 2023

I miss my muse?

I don't miss you.
I miss my muse.
I don't miss the pain.
I miss the inspiration.
I don't miss the doubts and fears.
I miss the longing tears.
I don't miss your voice.
I miss the silence between your words.
I've come to realize that I don't need you...
I just need another muse.

#muse #longing #miss #inspiration #heart #breakup

Aahoc Oct 2023

Lonely Hug

Have you ever felt so alone that you feel the pins and needles on your skin?
Your arms start to tingle.
Have you ever considered that you are trying to jump out of your skin to hug yourself?
So often we quickly dismiss that sensation and try to move past it.
What though, if we just let play it out?
Don't run.
Don't push it away.
Embrace yourself and the lonely hug.

#alone #loneliness #hug #embrace #love #selflove

Aahoc Sep 2023

All is lost

When it feels as if all is lost
Where to go from there?
When the void is ever widening
Ever expanding
******* all that is left into its abyss
Where to go from there?

#loss