The moment you walked into the room,
tousled hair, guitar case in hand,
I knew I had to talk to you.
Your forest eyes were tired but you tried so hard to seem interesting,
and I was determined
to find my way through those emerald pines
so tightly sequestered in your iris to
your mind.
Everything was lighthearted until the drive home.
You told me we should definitely talk or hang again soon.
Keeping in mind that it was me you were talking to,
I chuckled awkwardly and waved it off.
"It's more something you'll have to follow up on.
"It doesn't matter how many times I ask to go places,
"See people,
"Everyone forgets about me.
"It's okay though. I'll see you around."

Obviously, I'm not good at first impressions.

I saw you around, here and there,
when suddenly, we lost a mutual friend.
I'd been crushing on your irish charm for some time now.
You were nearing the end of a relationship.
The most ****** up thing,
is the fact that
I knew
that I loved you
when
you walked into the room
holding her hand.

It's ironic- and kind of unnerving-
that three weeks later,
you were taking me on our first date.
Despite the location--
Country Christmas, Pewaukee, WI--
the color that was most vibrant was the look in your eyes
when you leaned in to kiss me.

Those forest eyes are the ones I was screaming to
seven months later.
Almost to date.
The ones I was begging for answers from,
on my knees in front of one of the many Wisconsin forests,
alone.
Tears stung my eyes as I hit the ground.
Your name tore at my throat as I looked at the trees
and saw nothing but your eyes.

I was tempted to run into the forest.
I was tempted to see if it would lead me back to you,
if I could finally get through the brush and find your smile again.

I wonder if I'll see it again.
I wonder if I'll kiss you again.

All I knew from the moment you walked into the room,
tousled hair, guitar case in hand,
was you were going to be a part of my life, forever.

I was just hoping you'd be my forever.

Have you ever
been told to do one simple thing
but that one simple thing
cannot be done by you?

Have you ever
felt so useless and helpless
because you are unable
to do the one thing you are supposed to do?

Have you ever
been told you will never hear
the pitterpatter of a toddler's feet
running across your floor again?

Have you ever
wanted the one thing you will never have
so badly it keeps you
awake at night?

Me too.

I am not sure
where we go when we die

And I am not sure
where the glimmer went
that was once in your eye

I never thought
I would love again
until I looked in to
the deep blue eyes
of a little boy
that I created
with my own body

At what point
do you stop feeling
because I never noticed
until now

I wake up
to the feeling of his arms
wrapped around me and
his lips tangled up in my hair
like last night
is wiped from his memory
and the only evidence remaining
Are my red eyes
and swollen cheeks
and broken heart

I hate you
for the nights you let me
cry myself to sleep
while you lie awake next to me
pretending not to hear my gasping breaths

I hate you
for making promises
you knew you'd never keep

I hate you
for making me feel
so empty
so worthless

But I love you
for our first date
and you kissing me
on my parents' porch

I love you for the night
you got down on one knee
and asked me the question
I had been waiting for

I love you
because without you
I have a hole in my heart
where our love
once was

Have you ever been
so in love with someone
that every breath they take
sends shivers up your spine?

Have you ever lost
that same person
and literally felt
an empty space in your heart?

Have you ever cried so hard
you tremble with every breath
and your chest heaves
as you struggle to be quiet
because the person you lost
is laying right next to you
but they're a million miles away?

A lways there
u can talk to him
s ays he is always there
t alks non stop to make you happy
i like him to be there when I need someone to talk to
n eeds time to think about what you tell him about
A mazing person
d eserves a good girl
a lways nice!
m eets your needs as a listener
s its there through tough times

It is not in idleness
That I justify my reproachfulness
That is where it is judged
Scathed upon
Laughed about
Debated
Still elating in my sorrowful bath
I reproach
Condensation lining the walls of my fragile heart
It feels like cold glass
Throbbing inside a marble cage
Every beat
In every way
Close to shattering it's tiny pieces upon the cold linoleum
That provides the floor
To my aching gut
It's in idleness
That I may remain...