I reached my hand out to you
And I was terrified
You could see it in my eyes
“You’re done with me”
No I say, I’m just afraid


Afraid of what?
You are bewildered
I take a pause and say
Your desire for me.

Because what men desire
They take.

Walking home
at twilight:

the gentle breeze

the lavender sky

the wave goodbye
before the sun
closes its eyes

and the lingering disquiet
of knowing
you're all alone
for the next several blocks

Defiled, I
Lay my battered bloodied body at your doorstep.
You cut my heart into 12 pieces,
Perfectly precise.
Am I to be happy that you went to war over me?
Plodding me deeper into the ground with your step.
A cold body isn’t warmed by happiness.
Or by the flickering flames of Gibeah.
No, I remember it was you who threw me out.
I remember. It was you.

Scars, that I’ve been hiding all my life
With scarves
Bruises, witness of what the truth is
Red eyes, brimming pearls of lost truces
Yelling, Blaming and banners of ‘Deserved it’
Never saw the alarm signs
They were not bold enough, like me
Always told that I’m fine, when I couldn’t even breathe
Maybe it’s been hash on me lately and
I don’t wanna make you too feel low
Maybe just pull me closer and never let me go
Cause the scars are now aching
And the bruises, deep blue
The pearls are now sold for ground breaking news
The yelling has me shaken; I stand with heart that’s broken
Too many times like my body
But you’re innocent, oddly.
Scarves, that have been hiding scars for long
I put them free
Cause I again, wanna feel like me.

I feel phantom hands
touch my skin
I try so hard to remind myself
no one is there
but in an empty room
I fear for my body
.
You got away - I got the scars.

and in that deafening silence,
i’ve never wished more to be heard,
wracked with endless demurs of regret and remorse –
impure, impure, impure.

ii.
but it’s my choice, isn’t it?
to bear the knot of pearls come undone,
to feel it shift from skin to soul,
to speak of loving, and then let go.
(i see this now as a luxury i could not afford.) iii.
if i don’t rise come blooming spring,
ring the church bells for those left unheard,
wash the red from the bed sheets,
please unhinge my strife from the earth;

and know this:

a man is no longer a man,
after his unbidden pillage,
has left an innocent soul shaken;
unholy.

holy, holy, holy.

I believe I can be free from you
That the memory of you is less a tattoo
More of a bruise

Painful
Not permanent

Yet a memory
still
Is what you held me
And yet still lingered briefly
was the belief I had in being your wife

Your King’s crown
Only a fool’s gold
from Jill Scott’s script-ure

Karma is my favorite *****
and I won’t even have to wish her on you

Your demise
already Materialized
in the form of Your weakness’s
Imprints on me

To be clear
This is about me now
My evolution
almost makes me want to thank your ***** ***

Because What I’ll do with this hurt
Is God’s work
Breaking generational curses as I
Dare to heal in public
The audacity of me


See...You never understood me
Never bothered
You may have taken my first time from me
But you were the only one slaughtered

You’ll never forget
The night you killed your soul
I’m your tattoo...yet stranger
Judgment day will be your toll

&...
For me?
The ampersand runs deep

A magnolia blooms in my womb
No longer A tomb
for all the Ways
yo mama didn’t love you

Will you tell her you hate her?
Once you do
Will you tell her to
“Get that look off your face you act like you never been in pain before”
Look her in the eyes when you do

That’s your thing right?

It wouldn’t be your first time anymore either
You don’t have **** to lose
Gon head...Let that hate sink deeper

i can still hear you whispering in my ear-
raspy and deep because you smoke two packs of marlboros
every day.

when i come to visit home,
you still look at me like you're scared.
i think it's because you know the power that i hold.

you know that i have had every chance
to tell these people what you did to me-
and i chose not to

not for you
for me.

i wish i had said no to you
i think about it all the time

i can’t let [ it ] go
i wish i could forget
( if i don’t think about it, it won’t hurt.. right? )

i swear i had said no to you
maybe you just didn’t wanna hear it

i can still feel your hands on me
i wish i had made you listen
( pretending something didn’t happen doesn’t make it so )

i took pills instead of chances
i thought i was healed
but this is only the beginning

there’s no failing
it’s a process
slow progress is still progress

forgive yourself
keep going
keep g r o w i n g

hurt as long as you need to
hurt as LOUD as you need to