a ne edle
there are few things
i’m truly good at doing.
i’m good at laughing, but only when surrounded by laughter.
in silence, i’m far from it.
i’m good at liking something.
but like, too good at it.
when i like something, i like it a lot.
i’m good at taking breaks.
however my breaks tend to be unnanounced and more often than not, they’re concerning.
i’m talented in a few different areas, i guess.
I forgot to latch
the door closed when I realized
you were actually gone for good,
only to let all the demons inside.
I should’ve known better-
it wasn’t my first time making that mistake.
dear me in the 8th grade-
you haven’t even realized you like like boys yet.
you haven’t realized that all of those gay jokes are about you
so they don’t hurt your feelings, yet.
you haven’t seen what it’s like to be labeled as something, and also that the same label happens to be what everyone will know you as.
you didn’t realize that accepting yourself a lot sooner would’ve saved you a lot of memories you’d prefer to forget.
dear me in the 11th grade-
you’ve realized that after dating so many girls,
something just wasn’t really right.
you couldn’t pin-point it so you just ignored it.
maybe you thought love just wasn’t for you.
it wasn’t until that car ride with dad that you understood why everything was so confusing.
“be honest with me kid, are you gay?”
it was something that hadn’t even crossed my mind.
dear me in my 3rd year of college-
you’re definitely gay.
you’re challenged by the fact that you can’t hold your boyfriends hand in public the same way that your sisters and their boyfriends can.
you hate that dating through apps like
grindr and tinder seem to be the
best way to find “love”.
however, you love the fact that you now know exactly who you are, and you are unapologetic.
sometimes i let go.
not in the way you probably think,
and definitley not all at once.
i’m not crazy,
even though the chemical inbalance
in my head says different.
i let go a little bit at a time.
first, i let go of the healthy relationships
i once had
down the garbage disposal just like the ones before.
next i’ll let go of my job
and every opportunity
i have worked so hard to accomplish.
i’ll throw away my belongings
and my photographs
and my memories.
i’ll purge my life of every good thing
that reminds me of how good i used to feel and how bad i feel in the moment.
i’ll make mistakes
that seem more like a decision that
needed to be made...
a week will pass,
or maybe just a day or two...
and then i will realize that i just tossed
my entire existence into the trash.
i’ll make everything to be
as close as it was before,
and ill feel **** good doing it.
and then when **** hits the fan,
it’s what i’m good at.
this time last week,
i was curled up in a ball on my bed
trying to get through my latest
i did get through it, just like ones before last week.
i'm in a spot in my life where
stepping outside onto the deck feels...
fresh and awakening, rather than debilitating.
going to my class felt new and inspiring,
rather than repetitive.
seeing you after waiting all week felt
euphoric & satisfying.
i'm at a point in my life where
i can start to pinpoint where things started going wrong.
so now, i'm making them right.
i'm thankful for it.
i'm thankful for everyone who helped
me realize that there are
things to be thankful for.
maybe she didn't
appreciate her own
not-so appreciative friend,
insanity, showing up and
doubtful at best,
even on the "good" days.
prescription flavored ******* flowing through her head
so she did what she does best.
incarcerates her own free mind, still
very likely to let to it go in a heartbeat.
endings are too bad, after all.
(now read straight down the left row)