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Millee Jan 14
silent tears
the incoherent cry for help
pain no one will hear.
pain no one will ever know.
they are shed when everything else is kept within.
when you are so alone, you have no shoulder to lean on.
the pain leaks from time to time through the corner of your eye, but it stays buried.
buried under the guilt, the shame, everything you throw away.
push your hurt out quietly—don't be a burden. no one wants your problems, your pain—no one wants you they say.
please, someone take my pain away.
Millee Jan 14
Why would I eat if the lies inside me fill me up? 'Til there's nothing but half-truths trapped inside. I plead, scream, beg for someone to hear my cry but it's locked deep within me.
The pain I feel when I look in the mirror; why? Why do I hate myself?
Hate my hair,
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my smile.
I won't look anymore.
I can't bear to see who's staring back.
Shatter the mirror!
Distort the already broken image.
How much more damage could I do to myself before I'm through?
The scale wails when I approach; the fourth time in a day. When the numbers fall, I let out a sigh of relief, but when they rise…
What can I do?
What would you do if you couldn't be you?
Everyone's words are pointless. If its not the voice inside my head it doesn't matter. Nothing can satisfy my need to feel empty—to feel proud of the monster I’d become.
maxx Jan 7
they say,
you can’t have this body
and this sickness.

but they don’t hear
the screaming silence,
don’t see
the empty plates,
don’t feel
the shame that
swallows you whole.

to them,
you are just
too much.
to you,
you are never
enough.
i will never beat this illness
maxx Dec 2024
if i carved my pain
into my skin,
if i starved myself
into nothing,
if i made a graveyard
of my body,
would you believe me then?

tell me,
how much of me
must i destroy
before you see
i'm already gone?
trigger warnings:
self harm
eating disorder
suicide
maxx Dec 2024
they say,
you can’t have this body
and this sickness.

but they don’t hear
the screaming silence,
don’t see
the empty plates,
don’t feel
the shame that
swallows you whole.

to them,
you are just
too much.
to you,
you are never
enough.
how it feels to be fat with anorexia and bulemia
What if?
What if
I told someone?
What if
they hate me for it?
What if
What if
I stop doing this to my body?
What if
you stop liking me?
What if
I stop and you leave me?
What if
What if
you hate me if you know?
What if
I didn’t tell anyone?
What if
then nothing changes?
What if
if I tell you?
What if
you worry?
What if
you think I’m a burden
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if  
I

stop


and



you




leave





me?
whywherewhenwhowhat
Millee Dec 2024
the yearn to feel
to know the pain is real
is all i can do
while i sit here with you
awaiting the day
i can finally say
'I'm no longer numb'
i remember the scratching sound of the record player
i remember the sharp blade of the scissors as the dim light reflected
i remember the noise of the cars 4 stories below
i remember the pills i thought of dying from so many times
i remember getting so acquainted with death that i tried to join him
i remember the red lines on my wrist
i remember feeling the sharp sting
i remember the music giving me life
i remember the music making me feel things that i don't feel
i remember the lights
i remember fading away
i remember my phone wallpaper
i remember the music taking me away
i remember blades of grass, so sharp in the morning sun
i remember sitting in my window nook as it rains
i remember the noise
i remember shutting down
i remember foggy mornings
i remember not talking
i remember not moving
i remember not being able to breathe
i remember the streetlights
i remember not feeling like myself
i remember looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger
i remember the sound of a fountain pen on parchment paper
i remember the taste of lemonade in the summer
i remember cloth scraping against flesh
i remember ribs poking through translucent skin
i remember dizziness
i remember the hunger
i remember the sun
i remember the rain
i remember drawing with posca markers on my arm
i remember dancing in puddles
i remember slightly too long sleeves
i remember my first concert
i remember playing piano
i remember feeling the sun on my face
i remember the feeling of the car as it speeds up
i remember watching ride the cyclone in my best friend's basement
i remember the cuts
i remember the red marks
i remember the hunger
i remember the hunger
i remember the hunger
a poem based on a kind i learned at a camp. write down i remember, and then the next thing that comes to mind to complete the sentence. i had to leave the room to cry in the bathroom for an hour. this will never be finished, ill just come back every so often and add to it
i have to be

smaller

skipping

breakfast

lunch

dinner

eating

never

i­ weigh myself

constantly

can't

the hunger

a beast

i cannot

give in

i must be strong

but then why

the less

i eat

the weaker

i

feel?
if you couldn't tell, im not ok
the voices say to take up less
because im too large
because i cant
JUST BE ******* SMALLER
but i never will
GET ******* SMALLER
do it right
because my personality is
TOO ******* BIG
i have to make myself
so
*******
small
TOO ******* LOUD
because i
DONT DESERVE TO BE NOTICED
because i dont deserve to exist
to
take
up
this
much
space
yeah... so... anorexia is... fun... (i havent eaten in days)
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