My dad warns me telling me that alcoholism runs in the family.
I laugh and tell him not to worry because I hate the taste of alcohol.

It's true, I do.

The smell.
The burning.
The warmth.

But then again,

the numb feeling it gives you is undeniable.

Sometimes it feels like alcohol is the only way to not hurt.

But remember to make sure you drink a lot. Drinking only a little wont do you any good. The last thing you want is to be MORE emotional. As if you thought that was even possible.

Drink until you feel nothing.

Your hangover might be awful in the morning, but then again it can't be worse than how you felt before drinking, right?

I'm starting to think my dad is right in worrying.

We have a lot of made up, Hallmark type of Holidays don't we?
We have so many things we are told we have to celebrate our whole lives.
May is here -  Mother's Day is here.
But what about the dirt-bag mothers?
What about the mothers who don't care about their children?
What about the mothers who gave their kids up?

I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you weren't there when I needed you.
You were drowning in a bottle of ***** in your bathtub.
I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you still haven't been there.
You are too busy living in your own issues to remember you have children unless it suits you.

I remember living with dad and my stepmom- she raised me.
I remember grandma helping us with homework- she raised me.
I remember calling my dad when I was sad- he raised me.
I remember asking you where you were after 6 months of not hearing from you - but you couldn't even answer that question.

After years of picking up pieces and telling people I didn't have a mother here I am.
I am 25 years old with a stable job and stable home.
You are 47 with nothing to your name except some **** and a broke down apartment you get free from the government.
I am 25 with my **** together- paying my own bills- working for a living.
You are 47 taking pain pills as if your life depended on them.

I hear a lot of people telling me to forgive you, but I am just now coming to terms with how messed up I am.
I hear people telling me " that's your mom" but I am just now realizing the extent of my mental problem you have left me with.

All I have to say is thank the world for my father and stepmom and grandmother-- the only family I ever needed no thanks to you.