You didn't even recognize
Your own ******* daughter.

After
Seven years of absence.
Seven years of change.
Seven years of silence.
Seven years of growing up without you.

And you write a ******* email
To reiterate how good life is
Now that you've abandoned your family
To pursue the life you felt
We kept you from?
Never asking how your daughter is.
Never asking if the child she held in her arms
Was your grandbaby, your ******* flesh and blood.
Never asking a single question
That would focus any shred of attention
On anyone but you.

What. The. Hell?

Sometimes the universe is gracious
And answers our theoretical questions.
Mine had been "What would you say to me?
What would you think of the woman I've become?"

Now I know the answer because
Your dead soulless eyes and selfish letter
Say everything for you:

"Frankly, I don't give a ****."

Well, guess what,
Woman-I-will-no-longer-call-Mom,

I don't give a **** about you either.
You're dead to me--just a ghost.
And we all know the truth about ghosts:
They aren't real.

I strip down and look in the mirror.
I see your mark everywhere.
The scars you put on my body
And the scars you put on my soul.
The scars I made with my own hands.
All these scars that carved a hole
In me, unfillable abyss.

Then my eyes trace familiar lines
From the crows feet at my cheeks
And I can't help but stare
At the genetic inheritance
You left to me.
These angled ****** planes and
Auburn highlighted hair
Are all I have left of you.
My last mementos.

The longer I stand with my scars in the mirror,
The more the pain becomes real.
The more times I trace the last of you in my face,
The smaller the imprint of your touch on me becomes.

The double-edged sword of reality:
You hurt me,
You raised me,
You hated me,
But I think you also loved me.

Confusion first swirls
Then quickly fades.
For none of that matters now does it?

All I know is you're gone
And that's now what's real.
And I miss you
And that too is a fact.

The cockroaches surrounded but one
Fair
Maiden;
Seeking Singapore and suns absent the, “other.”

I kicked one, her infernal and insect aside, oh
Fair
Maiden;
Fleeing his promise and same mistake I’d made prior.

So to, the unspoken alliance ensues, both sought and awry, our –
Recounted
Freedoms
Born the dogs that are kicked and the dogs bite back.

Veil and anew, below and bellied-up bugs;
Fair
Maiden
Conquered, “yes,” but, agreed, our ulterior master born body.

We no longer fear and be gone the spiny legs,
Fair
Maiden;
For carrion’s a distance and the fruit’s now atop nose;

We’ve learned to love again.

*Note - Smog-soaked sunsets at, "Rebel Rebel," in Guangzhou used to make for the greatest shards of diary I've ever encountered. In this case, she was running away from him and I was running away from her - we'd the same story, the same drink, and soon the same table. I should visit again, someday.

she asked me if i had any
i hesitated and looked down
she came over and sat next to me
held my hands and looked deeply
into my eyes almost tearing up
she pulled up my long sleeved shirt
gasped silent and tried not to show
how shocked and worried she was
she caressed them calmly
hugged me as tightly as she could
wiped away my tears
told me everything will be okay
without her, i wouldn’t be here

*(s.m)

everything hurts
i can’t seem to find the reason
just wanna scream my lungs out
i need someone to lean on
someone to depend on
i need a hug
but yet i just wanna be alone
away from everyone
it feels like i’m about to break into a million pieces

*(s.m)

the worst part of having a bad day
is not being able to cry it out
the day has been complete ****
all you want is to scream and yell
but you don’t feel anything
you are numb
you can’t smile cause it takes too much energy
but you can’t cry either cause you don’t feel anything
you’re just paralyzed
your heart is aching
and you can’t breathe
can I please just to cry it out the next time?

*(s.m)

i’m so sorry for being such a mess
for not having the right words
or any words at all
but i’m trying
i really am
trying

*(s.m)

The eventual "later"; come and gone, why haven't I heard back from either one?
I left myself open to keep them safe, to be taken advantage; leaving chafes.
Protecting and returning by their side, thrown, tossed around and asked to abide.
Abused and used to find their happiness, left alone with your thoughts in the darkness.