My therapist recently asked me "have you ever tried mindfulness?"
I laughed a bit, remembering of the week-long mindfulness camp (sugarcoated for in-patient psychiatric care) I attended for troubled teens. I went to this twice.
This peaceful brain training was designed to give us a retreat when the world is too loud. During group therapy, most teens shared their experiences with domestic violence, yelling, S.A., running away, abuse. Endless. We were all numb, but there was so much comfort in being locked away with others who needed the respite as much as I did.
We would eat skittles and describe their flavor and textures. We would focus on our breaths. Make beaded art. Tell collaborative stories. Follow guided meditations laying on unfamiliar gym floors, giggling a bit as we "soared through clouds".
I jumped back into the talk session, remembering my dedication to mindfulness years ago. My anxiety followed me into adulthood. I think mindfulness can be out of reach, stupid.
And yet, I looked out of her dusty, sun filled window decorated with three vases of dry arrangements. My mind started to posture into how warm and antique this image felt. I felt hot, quiet tears building up from feeling that peace again.

"There are two types of people in the world," he laughed after a heavy swig. I laughed and anticipated a mindless reply.
"Those who are pens, and those who are pencils".
An eye-roll dismissed the statement but a curious brow stayed in place.
"All I'm saying is that some folks have a certainty about them. Everything glides off their tongue like cursive dipped in black ink".
I thought of where I might fall on the spectrum.

If I had enough wits to fly,
I'd like to escape the sky,
I'd leave in mid-June,
wave bye to the moon
whilst riding a huge firefly.

The still, soft morning
A sun ray illuminates
The joy of being.

Snow falling
a sleeping baby  
flowers in bloom,
the crystallized night sky.

Hospital waiting rooms,
closed doors,
funerals,  
The bus, sometimes.

Empty sidewalks,
Fond eyes,
Motel balconies,
Most smiles.

4 a.m.
A deep breath  
Food pantry line,
Living alone.

This question will be the death of me.
It's not quite where we came from last,
nor where we pay taxes.
It's not where we want to be,
or the house we grew up in, or the nostalgia we feel in some cities.
It's not where our origins trace back to,
where our ancestors developed our roots,
in fact, I'd argue
home is not an external location.
It's not the soft grass in our front yards,
it's not the countryside or cityscape,
it's not the creaky wooden floors that collected dust on our socks,
Home is a feeling.
It nests within us during our travels while we're looking for it,
it is present when we rest our head
against a sunny window in the car.
Home is in friendships where laughing makes you cry
and crying makes you laugh,
it is in fleeting romances, holding hands,
the smell of you on my pillow,
it is with certain family members.
I find home in familiar smells and easy living,
it is in solitude and fresh air.
What a feeling of comfort,
where we can grab those fleeting moments,
and stitch them together like a grandiose stained glass window in a cathedral.
Home is a compilation of every place we have ever been,
are going to go, and where we are at presently.
What makes you feel at home?