your voice; it envelopes me.
emotions,
so evident.
so much expression from speech you don't express in.
words never mean as much before you speak them.
ah, you're one articulate *******.
words are only of meaning when you use them.
                                                             speak to me.
tell me about your fears, and i'll tell you how i only feel brave with you by my side.
                                                          ­   speak to me.
tell me all that goes through your mind. i've never loved hearing someone's thoughts so much before.
                                                             speak to me.
i want to know what you love the most. talk to me about your mom. your brother's dog. talk to me about which sibiling you'd prefer to talk to when there's no one else home. then, define home. tell me about all your favorites. i have them memorized unconsiously.  what keeps your blood racing? tell me. tell me, i want to listen. i want to know how you've grown to be so beautiful.
                                                      ­       speak to me.
i want to know what you hate the most.
tell me about those behind your undying rage; those behind your anger. so i can burn them to ashes.
                                                         ­    speak to me.
talk to me about what overwhelms you the most. what emotion drains you? i want to know whether it's despodency or hollowness that cripples you. is it both? i want to know whether you fall in-between self-hatred and self-love or on either end of both. in other words, are you aware that you're ethereal.
                                                      ­       speak to me.
i'd love to hear your voice again. tell me more.

one. ****. she'll make you curse a lot.
that's all that'll roll off your tounge everytime you'd want to describe how she makes you feel.

two. that girl is funny. i don't think you can have a bad day if she's around. i don't even think she'll try to make you laugh, i think with her it comes naturally.

three. she'll make you feel alive. you will want to experience it all with no one else but her. she'll keep you at a high you'd never reach on your own. DON'T bring her down with you when you hit rock bottom. DON'T drag her with you anywhere she doesn't belong.

four. she'll sometimes be out of reach. more like, most times. let her be. she deserves all your time. all your days and nights. but only if she asks for it. you should a l w a y s check up on her, though. (ask how her day went. ask her how she's feeling.) make sure her "i'm okay" is sincere. make sure her days are more than just "fine".

five. listen to her. she'll always have something to say about everything, but she won't always say it. listen to her. let her talk about everything she wants to talk about. talk about it with her. i doubt you'll ever have enough of her.

six. when she doesn't want to talk, don't ask her to. be comfortably silent with her when she needs some quiet, but make sure your presence is loud. don't ever make her feel alone.

seven. she's special. treat her like she is. you should n e v e r let her second guess what she means to you. you should n e v e r make her rethink your love for her.

eight. don't go through one day without telling her you love her. she won't believe you, but you should never stop reminding her. she doesn't have to feel what you feel back, but she has to acknowledge that someone out there has her on their mind, day and night. always let her know she's important.

nine. she can be stubborn, and at most times she will be. i have a love/hate relationship with that quality of hers. let her have her own way. don't bug her about her choices. but, keep in mind there's nothing wrong with not agreeing with her sometimes.

ten. don't hurt her. not because she's fragile, but because she doesn't deserve it. for ***** sake, she deserves more than you can ever offer.  and for that, you should give her your all. or at least you should keep trying to

eleven. don't just tell her you trust her, but also show her you do. she won't take your word for it. let her in. open up. spill your heart out to her, and know she'll have her arms wide open. she won't let you seep through.

twelve. she's passionate. i can imagine her eyes gleaming when she talks about what she loves. you can feel it through your phone screen. i'll hunt you down and feed on your flesh if you try to shut her up. yes, she is passionate, but not about most things. and she won't talk about it with everyone. so you better ******* listen when she tries to share this part of herself with you. or leave. ******* leave her if you won't love her right.

thirteen. she's smart as ****. not the lame, "i get good grades" kinda smart. but the kind, that never fails to blow my mind. treasure her brain.

fourteen. i've never seen someone who wants to read as much as she does, but has zero willpower to. read to her. read to her like i've always wanted to, but never got the chance to. whether it be prose or fiction, or some fact you read off the newspaper. never stop reading to her.

fifteen. please, never lie to her. don't make promises you can't keep. you'll lose her. ****. if you lost her, you would lose all that could make your life meaningful.

sixteen. don't give up on her. please, never give up on her. she's not always easy to deal with, and neither are you. but to god, she's worth it. she's worth all of it.

seventeen. you'll never love her more than i do. but you sure as **** need to try your ******* best to make sure you're never the reason behind any of her troubles. don't **** up. don't **** up like i did.

you created us, humans, one after the other trying to perfect the creation you defined as imperfect. you thought of this as a way to show us that your power holds no limitations. flawed species; and alone, we have created a civilization. we live to create a more damaged environment for us to die in. 

and i was destructive. an emptiness so vast took hold of my being and no one i encountered could rid me of it. no one could make me feel.

until i knew of her existence, or lack there of. and now every atom in my fragile body lusts over every cell her celestial figure withholds. i unconcsiously cannot stop wanting her, because my heart pumps desire into my system rather than blood and no ***** that makes me up can function without her. 

i've always felt dead inside..i've always felt that my days were of no purpose, until i met her, and i could ask for no bigger purpose than to love her. 

she awakened my soul; the soul that was burried so deep in that i misconceived dislocation with it's nonexistence.

i never was interested in astronomy but i've always loved the idea of everything that exists beyond this earth. i speak of her beauty, and god, i can't help but compare her to the galaxies. i know the stars don't hear me, but that doesn't limit me. sometimes i wonder if they do because everytime her name rolls off my tounge, i can see them flicker. i think it's because they're in awe. they never saw someone feel so much for someone else before, and they never heard of someone as beautiful as her; not in centuries past and definitely not for centuries to come. her eyes hold universes within them and i want to study her instead. i'm fascinated with every detail there's to her. i never held interest in anyone before her and no one after her could measure up. she's everything everyone wants to be, but nothing anyone can be; because she's the perfect you were aiming for. isn't she?

she taught my lungs how to breathe.
"and i'm so glad i held onto my life long enough for her to be in it. -@whorefrost" and although the weight of this life is heavy on my chest, it's worth it. loving her is worth it.

i've been asked to describe art, and every thought in my head screamed her name louder than the other wanting to be heard. but she's more than just art, she's reason. 

she's my reason.

i see her, and i believe.
i believe in you.

we all live in closets. somewhere we don't want to escape from because we think it's more comfortable than what is on the other side of that door. we all have something we want to say but don't know how to say it. something we're not sure anyone would understand but us. our walls are a barrier. and i know these barriers keep us safe where no one could hurt us but ourselves, though they also limit us. i have a barrier between my mind and human interaction. nothing i think seems to get out of my tounge well enough for anyone to understand it. when you tell someone you suffer, he or she probably would think of it as something immense you're going up against when trying to fight your way through it. when you tell people you suffer (if you do tell them, that is.), depression is not what they expect rolling off your tongue. because most people don't think it's serious ENOUGH. you'll try to explain, you'll tell them what it's like in your head.

“well, i feel like my brain holds more weight than it should hold, and all the weight belongs to the thoughts screaming loud in it. the voices dictating how i should feel. how i should react. and my body complies with it.” “it's like, i have my worst enemy trapped in my head. then i realise, my worst enemy is myself..or these thoughts..but myself as well. and do you know how hard it is to fight back against yourself? you don't, ofcourse you don't. i mean you shouldn't know how that feels like. i wouldn't wish that upon anyone..although i wish worse upon myself. i wouldn't mind shredding my skin to pieces but i'd mind hurting others with my words. because no self worth exists, because i can't find it no matter how hard i look and i looked everywhere, but i ran out of locations now. so it's based on how people feel about me. and tell me, who could love someone as troubled as i, when even my own self, has given up on me?” “ah it's like having bruises on the insides of every inch of my body. it's when my blood cells are so focused on healing the ones on the outside they forget that what's on the inside matters as well. IT'S WHEN YOU HAVE SELF-INFLICTED BRUISES. it's when you don't want them to heal. it's when you want to bleed. it's when you don't think it matters. when you don't think, you, matter.” “it's when the sound of death tastes better than your favorite flavor of icecream. it's when you eat to fill your empty spaces, and then throw it up because you're not used to being full even it's only for counted minutes. it's all the days when you don't eat too. all the days when getting out of bed seems too hard of a task to get done with. so when i tell you i'm tired, i don't mean i need to sleep. (although i might need some of that too.) when i tell you i'm tired, know that i mean every step i take away from my bed takes a whole lot of strength i can't seem to find in myself.”

you'd reply with;

“i'm sorry. but you know? it's just because of your environment. and you let things get to you often, don't you think? i mean we all have those days sometimes. i even felt depressed yesterday, myself. but you get over it you know? why aren't you over it? do you pray? no? maybe that's why. okay, it's okay. it'll all be okay once you see things differently. i mean it's all in your head, okay? you need to be more positive, where does all this negativity come from? baby, tired is just a better word for lazy. and you don't want to die, do you? you do? well, you're too young to know what you want anyway. i was like you when i was a kid and look at how i am now happy and well. are you okay, now? you are? okay, cool. nice talking to you.”

and here's what i want to say but don't;

“i'm not sad. i'm empty. i'm not misguided, i know the way. but every way seems to be the wrong way for me to take. i don't lack faith in "god", i lack faith in myself. and i'm not okay, so stop telling me i am. stop telling me it's all in my head, i'm very aware that it is. hence, the "mental" illness. tell me, instead, that you want to hear me talk. tell me you'll listen even when you don't understand. tell me you'll be here even when it might not be enough for me. only a few might understand and i don't expect you to be one of them but just please stay.”

i think i want to stay in the closet for while. uncomfortable over misunderstood, don't you think?

have you ever wanted something so bad you'd give up everything just to have it?
a few years back, all i wanted was to be so ******* happy. i would've given up everything and everyone for that state of everlasting euphoria. two years after, the world has knocked some sense into me, and i realised you can never really be that happy, at least not all the time. so instead of aiming to be unrealistically happy, i wanted to feel something, anything would do. you see, when all you feel is extreme sadness, all you'd want to feel is extreme happiness. but when all you feel is nothing. when you're hollow, when you're so empty you can't feel yourself exist, all you'd want is to feel. all you'd want is to exist. to know what complete feels like, to know what feelings feel like. at the age of thirteen, this is all i've really wanted, but i knew that just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get it. (life's no wish granting factory.) (there are no fairy god mothers, unfortunately.) (you've got no one but yourself, i think.) (now, here's where you come into the picture stutter portrait stutter masterpiece, stutter reality.) so far long, i haven't met anyone with the potential to be considered a real friend. i mean, for the most part of my existence, my friends were picked out for me. none of them knew how to stay, not with someone like me, and i didn't know how to stay either. you weren't like all those other friends, you weren't someone, someone else has picked out for me, i wanted you as bad as i wanted to feel something and i think you were the only person i couldn't imagine myself giving up to that. you were the only person that i felt like holding on to. felt..? with you, empty is a foreign word to me. you are fulfillment in it's only form. you are what makes me, and you're the only one i'd allow to break me. (although you never do.) you are the only one i feel like giving every part of myself to, take all of me. don't give any back. i don't need any back because i feel you existing within me -in my thoughts- the only place i spend so much time zoning off in because it's the only place i get to completely have you. there's a thin to thick line between love and need and it's deadly (when it's both at once) but i've only ever felt alive with you. and even god is a witness to all the love I have for you and my inability to let go is enough proof to how much i need you. i need you in many ways other than needing you to be mine, in fact i don't think you can ever be of anyone's possession. i don't think you can belong to anyone entirely, because you are the universe and you are what keeps everyone going even when you can't keep going yourself. please, always keep going or else everything will die away with you. you're not everything a person should be but you're all i ever wanted in a person and i know you're not perfect but your mistakes don't define you either. don't let anything define you, because you're much too much to fit under words. i love that you're guarded, and you don't let many people in, but baby, i swear you're loved x100. you are wanted. (i'll aways be the one to want you most though.) i love trying to understand you. i love you for everything you are and everything you could ever become and i'll love you for now and years to come. so for this year, all i really want is you. you to be okay. i guess i finally found my euphoria and maybe you do end up getting what you want.

i've never been high before, not on pills, not on anything. but i only hope if i ever do get high, it'll feel half as it feels when talking to you, although i know it won't amount to even that. 

define intensity and the closest you can get to understanding the word is the closest you can get to knowing a quarter of how ecstatic you can make me feel.

you're my reason. my only one. my don't look back, but keep moving forward. and my hope. 

do you ever feel like you've lived your life in reverse? maybe it was more of uncronologically set up than anything else. i know this because everything fell into place only when you came around.

i've read there's a limit to loving someone. you makes me doubt this theory. for you, love exceeds all limitations, breaks all boundaries, defies all the "do not go there".

you make me be. 
you make me exist.
you make me not want to stop existing if you're existing with me.

writing about you is most challenging, because you are not something i can put into words, but i'll spend my time trying. showing the world a proof of a wondrous being, showing the world just how beautiful you are, and most importantly, showing you.

je t'aime, lch liebe dich, ti amo, táim i ngrá leat. i'll learn to say i love you in every language there is, maybe then a part of you will start to believe it.

you're like one's favorite song except you're a song i'd never get bored of. everytime you talk it feels like i'm falling in love all over again and i don't want to stop. i don't want to stop drowning in the whole of you, because with you drowning doesn't feel like i'm at loss of breath, more like i'm born again.

i want all of you, i'll love all of it. i promise i will. i always will.

1:49 a.m.
a thought : only you.
i think love needs to redefine itself in my head, now that it has met you. a.m.'s are not times of daydreams and unintended smiles, at least not to me. a.m.'s are more of emotional breakdowns and trying to cool myself the **** down. sometimes a.m.'s are transient thoughts and other times just deep sleep. but all a.m.'s have been about lately are you. an unsteady heart beat, a churning stomach, and a nervous laugh. surprisingly, i don't hate it all that much.
9:45 p.m.
i slept while thinking of you yesterday, i think that's the best sleep i've had in a while. anyway, you know how they say you're ****** when the thoughts that only hit you at night, start taking over 24/7? well, i don't agree. my nights have always been about you, and now my days are too and i cannot think of anyone other than you who's worth thinking about, dreaming about, talking to, laughing with.
9:52 p.m.
i forgot that i'm supposed to write these hours apart from each other. i guess i can't wait a whole lot to start talking about you again. i don't think i've ever craved someone's presence so much. i don't think i detested anyone's absence before i met you either. they say time is not to go to waste, but even if i spend an eternity trying to figure you out, i'd still have managed my time well. nothing ever goes to waste when you're involved.
10:56 p.m.
my mind has been wandering off for the past hour. i think i'll create a new language to describe you with, i might've run out of adjectives that exist. i'm not one to ever get speechless, i think you know this by now, i talk more than i breathe, but my emotions for you sometimes render me speechless and i don't want to spend a second not telling you how beautiful you are.
11:11 p.m.
a time in which people wish upon. now, i don't believe in this crap at all but i still wish for your well being every 11:11 just in case it's not as unrealistic as it sounds. i may not pray much, but when i do i always ask for you to be okay and i may not always appreciate good when good comes but once i had you back, i swear i've never been more thankful.
11:28 p.m.
i keep saying you're beautiful but that's not even the point i want to get across. beauty envies you, beauty tries to be you, because beauty will always only be appearance and you'll always be more than only that.
you can never be only one thing, you're not that limited. i know i talk about you like you're holy but that's only because you are and you always will be.
12:00 a.m.
i just realised that maybe i love you too much. you deserve all the love in the world though, all of it.

one. you can't. everytime their name is mentioned, your heart can't help but beat a little too fast, your stomach can't help but sink a little too deep, and your mind reminds you of every time the words i'll never leave left their mouth, without hesitation. without uncertainity. without doubt. how could you feed my hollow self with your assurance when you were never sure yourself?
two. this is how it starts and this is how it will never end. with questions that'll always be left unanswered. with one piece of the puzzle always missing. with all the what if's and could have's, and why, and how can they?
three. the first thing you should realise is that they are capable of everything. stop the how can they, and the how come. if there's one thing i've learned is people can. they can hurt your fragile little self and shatter every bit of self worth they might've helped you build up, themselves. stop the questioning. you might not want to hear the answers as much as you think you do. they won't tell you what you want to hear. we, people, are self contradictory. we claim to want the truth, but that's not what we want. we create versions of truths in our ever lasting thoughts and make believe. we make believe to survive.
four.  survive. breathe, breathe, breathe. take a look around you, take a look at the people you are surrounded with. we live in an astonishingly beautiful environment. try to look at the world as whole, and look at how insignificant that person that you're "in love" with is. look at how insignificant you are. take it in, take it in. you'll be able to get through this. your heart will mend, nature will take care of that.
five. you should stop blaming them. you should stop blaming yourself. and you should stop blaming the world. another thing i've learned is that, you will not always end up with the person you're in love with. and just because someone's in love with you, does not mean that they won't hurt you. and just because they've hurt you does not mean that they don't care for you. that's life. it's bias. it does not make sense but there's no use to try and make sense of it. you'll end up empty.
six. hatred is not forgetting. indifference is not forgetting. missing is not forgetting. longing is not forgetting. there's no forgetting. don't beat yourself up for still caring. it's humane. time. it'll take time. that person will fade away to the ((danger, danger. do not touch)) pile in your brain to rarely be thought of. yes, there will come a time in which you'll not think of them. take my lead, will you?
seven. this will be a long road. but you need to know that hurt does not last. hurt is not eternal. not one feeling is eternal, you'll get through this. some time soon, you'll meet this someone that'll make you feel things you've never thought you're capable of feeling. they were good to you, but you'll find someone who's good to you and appreciates you just as much. someone who will show you what to love about yourself, which is you whole. because ******* it, you're holy. you're lovely. you're wonderful. someone that'll make misery a foreign word to you. you'll find that someone soon, princess. i promise you.

you, my dear, have made me feel things i've only known of in dreams. for happiness, never existed in my reality. i think of you, and i can't help but believe in god's existence because who else could come up with someone as majestic as you are? you redefined words for me. you redefined life for me. and most importantly, you redefined love for me. my heart no longer aches of pain, no. my heart aches from missing you, missing someone i've not had the privelege of calling mine, yet.

they say that darkness is a nonexistent matter and is only the absence of light but what i know of is that darkness is consuming. it makes you whole with emptiness. makes you feel safe in your solitude. and solitude is not always peaceful if your mind is a universe of it's own. if your mind is at war with your heart. if your mind holds infinite chains of thoughts, no one's interested in knowing about, thoughts with no one willing to understand them. but for far too long, i've believed that what you cant change you should learn to accept. so in solitude, i was content or convinced myself to be..
i met you though, and let me tell you that no light can ever shine as bright as you do. and you don't just shine baby, you glow. you'd enlighten the universe with just half a smile and one glimpse of those eyes i adore. you'd eliminate the indifferences of this **** world with how your mind works and how your thoughts form. i've never known of sympathy and kindness before i knew of your existence because they've always been in the form of you. purity ceased to exist before you took your first breath, and with every breath you take this trait nurtures. and with the privelege of knowing you? i'd never welcome solitude again, never before you have a persons company felt so heart warming, so safe. i'd close my doors to darkness and despair and welcome all you bring with your existence from hope and optimisim. darling, words will never express enough but i'll write you daily if it'll help you love youself. for writing about you is always something i enjoy. i never believed in the concept of heaven until i met you, for angels need their imposing home. what have i done to deserve someone as beautiful as you are? and yes you're beautiful. i want this word carved into your thoughts. baby, poets spent ages trying to write something that can amount to your beauty and yet nothing can measure up. i love you, i really do.

palms sweating. heart palpitating. mind infused with nothing but the thought of you. overwhelmed with nervousness, i approached you. we talked and with every word you uttered, my infatuation with you grew. with the way you think, and how your thoughts form in that beautiful mind of yours. with the way you talk. with your eyes, the ones i can never stop looking into. i'm in awe of your beauty, not a word in all languages can begin to describe how beautiful you are and no art can measure up to your glory. a writer can try and put you in words, but he can't sum up all that you're. you're not your flesh nor your bones, you're way more than just your parts. it's everything else that makes you, everything else that leaves me at loss of words. you're fascinating, 
i want to get to know the deepest parts of your being and what keeps you up at night. i want you to make me understand every aspect of who you are, and i promise you that no matter how much you reveal of yourself i'll not love you any less. in fact, my feelings for you will only ever nurture. i have never yet felt such admiration to one being, but what's not to admire? oh god, your smile gives me a kind of high no drug can ever give. and the sound of your laugh is something i'd never want to stop listening to. and your voice is the best form of addiction.
i, at times, do think you're too good for me. i see in you all that i ever strived to be, and i do know you're not perfect and i do know you're flawed but how can one sin so beautifully? i am not in love with you, yet. but the only one i've truly felt this deep emotion to is you. before you, all i knew of love is that it hurt. it leaves you broken, shreds and pieces of you splattered around with no one to stitch them up, with no one trying to piece you back together. but when i saw you, i saw hope. i saw a happy ending and a life worth living and that says a lot, death was always the answer for everything to me. my one longed for wish, why aren't you mine yet?

when my pen comes to paper all i can write about is.. you.
ah it's been a while now since we last talked and i haven't been okay since. it's not like i'm ever okay but talking to you made me feel not so numb. not numb. made me feel. you made my heart beat when all i wanted it to do is stop,
you made me feel complete when i was nothing but empty all my life,
you gave me a purpose when i always believed that life has none,
you changed me. completely.
i don't know if it's to better or to worse but i'm thankful to you for both.
some days though, my heart fills up with so much hatred and my lungs fill up with unbounded rage and all i want to do in that moment is make you feel the pain i did when you left. i want you to hurt so much that it becomes unbearable for you to hold on anymore. other days i feel so much regret it's overwhelming and all i want to do is rewind time and make it right again. i need to make it right again. i have to make it right, but i can't.  i wonder how i can have so much love in me yet so much hate, it's like i want to choke you to death yet sleep in your arms. your words are like daggers and the more you speak, the more i bleed. the more you speak, the more my chest heaves and i feel like i've lost as much oxygen needed for me to breath. less each time. you'll leave me breathless one day and i don't mean it as a metaphor. it's not a metaphor. my suffering will never be a metaphor because i can't compare. i believe pain is perceived differenlty from one person to another and somehow i feel my suffering is the worst. everyone feels like their suffering is the worst.
with you, it's always a charade. a guess. a thought. a feeling. you're unpredictable, and god i love this about you. you're not perfect. perfect is flawless and you're flawful and with every flaw i yet get to discover, i fall deeper in love. i fall deep. i fall but i get up. i get up to prove you wrong, oh how i love to do that. maybe i am a little bit too obsessed with you? okay too much and you've got no idea how much i hate myself for it. i'm the sinner and my sin was getting attached to you. ugh, when will this go away?
when will you go away?
when will i ever stop thinking about you?
when will i move on?
questions that i have no answers to and answers i think too much about.
you didn't love me, you did not care or at least not the way i wanted you to. one sided. my feelings are always one sided. sometimes i wish i was born with none.
you left.
you left.
you ******* left and you are not coming back and i know it's my fault but you took my feelings with you, and i can't feel anything anymore. i need to feel. i need to feel in order to move on and i guess you didn't want that. you crave attention and you know i am willing to give you all of mine, for that you used me. betrayed me. more than once. and yet, i keep thinking so good of you because i believe the good inside you overlaps the bad. you're ****** up but that's what made me love you. i love you.