liquid red ruby spilled on her white canvas
a shining silver next to a blue wrist
purple marks on her ,telling her grey tales
yellow pills scattered across her pink bed sheet
they say she once had a colorful personality
you could see it in her death too, tragically ..

i walk around the carnage of my souls carcasses
your empty promises lying around like shells and cartridges
you were the harness keeping me from falling into this heartless fortress
i should have known your touch wasn't just harmless
it was there to harvest
my dreams my hopes my aspirations , until you **** out every thing
and there is nothing but darkness...
your love letters look like habeas  corpus
summoning  me to a court, with a sentence to the gallows

i have swallowed all your lies and the pain
the shrapnel of what we were once are still stuck in my heart and brain..
too scared to love and dream again
too scared to even mention your name
too scared that you were the dame..

she uses her push up bras to uphold her self esteem
and make her personality look perky and recognizable...

she hides the massacre of self abuse and sleepless nights,
under the thick shadow of mascara...

her eyes twinkle when she smiles, but not many know
the shine comes from the reflection of years of shattered dreams and crumbled emotions hidden in them..

her skin looks perfect from the distance but look closely,
you can see the scars left on them from the paper cuts of fashion magazines..

i want my fists to turn into my hands again
just so i can feel her for one last time.

i want my tears to stop flooding my eyes
so that i can see her clearly

i want this burn to leave my stomach
so that i can smile when i say good bye

i want to let go of this rage
so that i can hug and tell her i forgive her

i wonder if the curtains talk about what we do behind their backs..
i wonder if the pillow covers complain about the  tear stains we leave on them..
i wonder if the bed feels the emptiness like i do..
i wonder if our closets are strong enough to hold our skeletons..
i wonder if the door creaks our darkest secrets out..
or do the paintings gossip about our fights..
is the dust which remains.. is all thats left of us..
is our bedroom the aftermath of what we once were...

we were puzzle pieces that fit perfectly...
but just belonged to different jigsaw sets..

i dont know why, but my body is craving for a beating.
a proper *** kicking if you may say!
it happens to me time to time
when i lie on my bed ,sleepless(again!)

i imagine how i would go through it
how i would walk into a bar  take a bottle of whiskey and smash it !
on the head of the first guy ill see,
which will then start a bar fight (obviously) and i will be in the center of it all..

my fingers twitch as i write this.
my  guts twist and turn,
there is a rush in my veins i cant explain
i feel like a junki looking for his secret stash

i indulge in my wild fantasy again.
picturing myself smiling through a broken jaw,
imagining blood trickling down my cracked skull..
for some reason i feel alive..

i think i need therapy, or some help..
there is saliva in my mouth and i play around pretending its blood
i give an evil smirk, i am  almost freaking myself out
and enjoying it while i do it..

oh what i wouldn't give to be beaten to an inch of my life right now
broken, shattered, in pain , anything would do..
just a fight! thats all i ask.
anything..  break few ribs, tear few tendons, give me a scar, which well tell my stories,

i am not sure, why i am like this..
may be because ill get people to finally acknowledge my existence
i am sure when most of you read through this your thoughts were..
sick, crazy, insane, attention seeker, he doesn't even rhyme!

lets go back a bit and go through the things you missed out..
i havent slept properly in last 6 months..
i have tried to swallow my loneliness mixing it with bottles of whiskey..
for so long i have stood in the shadows that i  want you to beat me up just so i know you can see me...
i want you to tear me limb to limb , crack open my skull just so i know i can feel pain ,i can feel hurt, i can feel something...
i am not numb,i am not a shadow, i am not  dead!