I drink too much
I smoke too much
say everything I don't mean
too afraid to let you know what I really think
I'll only show I care after you leave
with the stroke of the pen I'll paint you the thoughts in my head
take a big puff and think of everything I should've said
too late take a shot
laugh with the boys
smile though it's fake
Tomorrow will be the day

wrap your arms around me
**** me slowly from the stench of your second hand sin
your kiss is the match that burned down the church
your embrace warm like the embers as the stain glass windows break and the structure collapses
Preach to me every sermon from your soul as we both drink too much alcohol and at 2a.m. the body of christ is a large fry  and well laugh til we cry keeping each other afloat at night drowning in the tears of failed exceptions
*** with you is like transcendence old motions feel anew
like fish out of water we bounce around waiting to breath but the breath never comes
we are faithful believers that the church is full of lies

I could hide under a million tattoos but none of them would take away from the pain I felt when I finally lost you

I feel the blood rushing out of my nostrils like bats out of hell
Pieces of the mirror that once hung on the wall litter the floor
You did it you lost it
BOOM
SNAP
CRASH
Here we are
I collapse and lean against the wall
I stare at all the posters that cover my wall
Pages from an artificial personality to fit in
I am a conformed jaded sad soul
convinced no one in the world will turn my half into a whole
My last name will die with me
sorry grandpa guess there was never that much of a man in me
As I sit in a daze I think of all the late nights spent with purple haze
How I could've done something good with my time but I let it all slip away to insecure to handle change
I have a PHD in pushing my loved ones away
The blood has dried and the swelling has set in
O' lord I have my doubts
will this whiskey cleanse me for my sins
A blurred figure enters the room I can't tell who it is
my eyes had swollen to the size of grapefruits
unable to see
no will to move
I simply sit there as my mind exits consciousness

people enter our lives like snow in the winter
However as seasons change people tend to grow
closer together further apart
in every which way were all lonely souls
With broken hearts

A self destructive terrorist an anti social embarrassment
not one to sport a bomber vest but the first to volunteer to jump off a cliff not wanting to please god up above just pleading to end his own life due to lack of love this isn't a terrorist in the sense of harmful to others he only harms himself  when he can escape the company of others surrounded by many yet he is alone could never harm a fly but he'll wage war on himself he'll draw plans on his wrist with the razors of bliss and drop bombs of pills into the abyss no children will die no mothers will cry just another heart failure in the works the city will stand and the man will fall he has finally won the war as he breathes his last breath he was just a normal man not a killer he's not the only one the self destructive terrorist he hides in everyone

Everyone's leaving in September
Welcome to the month of departure
Where everyone leaves you alone
Sitting in your arm chair

January they start to pack
and August is to pack until
SNAP! their gone just like that
No looking back and your still sitting motionless
As life passes you by

Good morning
how are you
what are you doing
6 months ago these text messages would've never sent torpedoes directly at my chest but now they **** me I know you've moved on but my hearts still remains begging for more of your attention so you can bring me more pain like a cracked out ****** with a clean smile your a 2 day vacation with a 6 week recovery

in order to win you must sin because In modern day society uniqueness is a commodity we give in to peer pressure and change our views more then the weather we call a girl fat because we hate the weight of ourselves we **** out our bodies like ******* and hoes looking for love and purpose in fashion and the club existing without any real thoughts and  more then enough self doubt that never goes away no matter how many bottles you drink to drown we bully the kid that can't afford Nike and anything in your playlists tells you to sell dope and buy jewelry  I am not here to be anti drugs or to say not have nice things but what if there warning you that you don't want that because if you live by the gun one day a gun gets pointed at you you don't have to sin to win don't let peer pressure break you even if there your closet friends
we are all created equal and no matter what we have no squeals so make you life yours because when we fall into the grave the peer pressure is gone and your left with an eternity to reflect the life you lived

Last night I had a dream that I made it to heaven
But when I awoke I was still in hell
Heaven is the dream
Hell is the reality
So then does our dream turn into our reality once humanity touches it
Dreams are the frail hope to keep us going make us feel alive
Reality is the aftermath the problems that come with our dream that never cross our mind
Humanity synonym is destruction because we crave for our self not others because were all so blind

most creativity while the world sleeps
the toll of pointless transactions with  dollar store people unraveling
in the solace of solitude while thoughts of pure bliss take over
like highlights in the grey sky you light up my world while I drift into the comforting night while the rest of the world is sleeping I'm sitting awake daydreaming about your smile bright and piercing as the sun
the penetrating sound of your laughter echoing in my mind soothing my soul awakening my third eye with each new line or draft I write thoughts of such bliss fuel my night
til the sun arises and I collapse to sleep

In the mist of a rainy fall morning the void has swallowed me whole again
tears stream down my face
My soul is bleeding and starving to death due to lack of faith
but a lonely demise awaits
I can't embrace my future while I'm still stuck in the past
self improvement is useless because I'll always be last
My smile is my headstone displaying happiness to the public while I continue to decay inside  out
lack of sleep
no will to eat
oh dear reaper
come sweep me off my feet
for I seek everlasting sleep

Graceful as the butterfly moves as piercing as the hornets nest strikes
she took to the pole
body shaped like a satellite  connected straight to the soul glowing only ever brighter with each step  
with every maneuver you can see years of dedication
every different song brings a new mirage
as she dances you can't help but become in a trance
at the heavenly sight of a confident woman empowered by the love she has for herself
Like a thief in the night she could take your breath away in a blink of an eye
the world is a stage and the pole was her  megaphone
Her message was clearer  then your reflection on the lake while the sun rises

rolling away, away in space and time this loneliness feels so divine
nowhere to run nowhere to hide so roll,roll away down the crystal line

not an object
just rhythm and beauty
pain knows no bounds
silence echos a voice
lustful eyes
gluttonous hands
fragile vase
SMASH
pieces everywhere
the day moves on unaware

I am the author of my pain
Because it is my fault thoughts of you still pass my brain
god can't save my aim
my blood vessels explode as I write
while I implode in life
My heart is a confederacy seceding from my brain
They go to war my every waking moment
My brain wants to free me from your slavery
While my heart still cling's to the memories

I'm stuck here on earth and your no longer here
you had the biggest of hopes brightest of dreams but that still didn't save you 12-20-16
I've been down since you left
We were friends in school for a brief time
You stuck up for me so I'm in your debt for a life time
I cried hard when I heard the news
My friend died and I couldn't even come to the funeral
I'm shedding tears as I write this
few answers given to me about the purpose of life I'm just left feeling confused
I hope you found peace on the other side
hopefully I'll see you when it's my time

oh mother teach me how to die because I've been lost in the dark trying to fly but continuously missing my mark Thy blade I pressed to my skin was not heaven send where fields of wildflowers I roamed only turn to black now for I am with no home your dying wish was for me to achieve bliss yet agony has burrowed inside of me calling my chest home you told me to pray to our heavenly father but I feel no divine spirit when I bow at his altar yet I try to overcome only to fault further I cut my throat and I hang myself but I do not die I jump from rooftops only to awake staring at the night sky mother my purpose is clear for god has abandoned me and satan drew me near where god rejected he rejoiced he told me to be his savior of earth his divine voice to the masses for I am the antichrist

Dear child I will never know
It breaks my heart to let you go
me and your mother aren't together this I know
And we wish we could take care of you so with tears in my eyes
I must confront that well never meet face to face
and as I cry now I shall forever because you are my pride and joy
not a surgeons test toy I love you and I always will me and your mother
but life is hard sometimes I just wish we'd met Instead of paying for your death...
love, Mom and Dad

Imagine yourself before your first taste of heartache
Heart made of butterflies your brain feels as if it's on morphine
You never thought that it wouldn't work

Imagine the the pain you felt
The deepest cut that could ever come from a text messege
heart draining from failed loves knife wounds your brain is on overload

Imagine yourself today
Neglecting what could be your happily ever after
Your past experiences have made you into the executioner
Another Hopeless Romantic Turned hallow

The tree of life was cut down to fuel the fires of our wicked ways
yes these are dark days indeed

the thoughts in my head scream I'm better off dead and my body sludge's through the day I am the prospect of a generation X teen pregnancy a dead beat father and an overly religious mother they've always told me that they only want the best for me but what is best for me deep down inside I don't know anything I just feel a hollowness and that I'm stuck walking around in some sort of limbo like my life is on pause and I'm left to prep for the next scene
but what is the next scene I don't know everything is a blur my routine never changes I do the same **** just on a different day of the year is this what the last years of being young are floating aimlessly around until you settle  for a job and a woman to come home to everyday
I don't know is being young about drinking away your countenance so you don't feel bad and talking to multiple woman all at once all only in hopes of getting into their pants and then never speaking to them again is this really everything we dreamed about as kids we wanted to be cops and fire fighters doctors and nurses but in the end we only end up as drug addicts alcoholics *** slaved screen glued Catholics eating up gossip faster then GMOs and eating up the worlds resources making it harder to survive
I don't know deep down inside I wish I did I really do what's so magical about me or you there is nothing pretty in the lust and greed frenzy we share and there is nothing cute about the way we deny our despair
we self hate so we self medicate and take it out on someone else and they continue the cycle so in turn they feel unsure and take hollow tips to head from a hunting rifle of they try to hang in there only to end up hanging in a garage we post tag and like anything funny yet stay silent about serious issues to avoid looking like a dummy in the crowd we mock the dead without hesitation and we betray those we love due to selfish motivation is this what living is all about this can't be it we have suicide prevention hotlines but what if death is better then this **** we live in a world where the contents of your wallet make you important and a paper degree make you elite your degree makes you no better then me we live in a world where everyone is a wolf in sheeps clothing praying on each other
But I do know if the world would stop spinning I don't think i'd miss it

Slowly I awaken
I am hanging upside down in the center of a room
the floor and surrounding furniture is covered in plastic
karma catches us all
I was on my way to Vegas to start over
to fund my life change I started robbing mob safe houses along the way figured i'd be a new man before they caught me
I was wrong
The drugs wear off and I feel every blow all at once and pains ignites like a 4th of July ceremony all over making me cringe and yell out in agony
Just like that my screams of pain usher in this 6'8 Russian guy with a baseball bat
"no one can hear you" says the russian
"*******!' I scream defiantly
he walks over with the bat he hand lines up his swing and like barry bonds on a good day I feel that Louisville slugger shatter my ribs more then they already were sending me weeping in pain holding blood in my mouth
"no one is gonna come save you either gingerbread man"
his phone rings and his smile disappears he vanishes to the other room leaving me to my agony so close yet so far away
I was almost free
The Russian wall returns a few minutes later with the last face I could hope to see Vincent cauldron his friends called him Vinnie
His enemies usually didn't live long enough to call him anything
he came directly to me
"nothing personal kid you just ****** up" he said coldly
he pulls out a pistol and hits me in the temple with it
after he orders the Russian to cut me down I collapse on the floor and feel my insides fall apart while blood leaks from my face
"let me go" I yell with the last of my strength
"afraid not bud you stole too much to be forgiven"
Vinnie continues "but if you like i'll try to not enjoy it as much as the last time I had to do this" I feel all the hope leave my soul and I begin to accept my fate
This is it  the end of the show
I begin to turn cold and daze off only to reawaken to the sound of a buzz saw at once I begin screaming with everything I had left
My voice was wasted no one was around to save me and I was about to die shortly
before I can finish my thought I feel a butcher knife skate across my throat with ease
I stop screaming
I collapse back on the ground and let myself bleed out vinnie and the Russian set fire to the room and leave me to die alone
"maybe in the next life you won't be such a **** up" Vinnie tells me before he leaves
As the fire gets closer and my blood soaks the plastic I think about every path not taken and the lovers you left behind
Nothing Matters
In my last moments I smile because **** it
who wants to live forever
FIN

I sit up too fast and instantly fall back down. My head feels as if Mike Tyson snorted a whole kilo of Colombian sugar and used my face as a punching bag to pass the time. The dim light of the afternoon is shining thru my blinds. What have I done this time. The stench of cheap ***** holds to my breath like a wide receiver does a touchdown pass. I stumble to the back porch and light up a cigarette. The events of last night dances around my head like a marching band in the middle of a mine field. The phone breaks the silence and I quickly answer it
"hello may I ask whose calling?'
the other end was silent for a moment and only spoke a single word
"do you have my money Mr. Collins?"
Before the sentence was finished my heart was burying itself inside my stomach everything came rushing back all at once like a blast from a shotgun.
"I'm afraid you must have the wrong number" I somehow manage to spit out while I shake with fear. "ah yes I thought we might have to play this silly game Mr.Collins but I assure you it will not look pretty for you in the end." I hear a knock on the front door and before I can run away two men trap me on the porch. "yes sir" I reply. "so where is my money then" before I can answer one of the men sucker punches me on to the ground knocking all the fight out of me. The other guy picks up the phone and in a thick accent I barely make out "we have him and were searching the house well **** him if we don't find it." One hangs up the phone and grabs me while his partner begins to destroy anything of value in my home.
Everything started out good me and my wife had just bought a house. I was just recently promoted at my law firm. Then the news came breast cancer before we could even get her into chemo she was stage four. She was a fighter though we thought she was beating it around that time money was tight so I went to a loan shark for help. I poured every penny I had into saving her but eventually she just couldn't fight anymore. She died and with it when my soul. I stopped making payments, I stopped going to work. so here I am with three hired guns tearing my house apart til they realize there is no money. "Where is it you ******* *******!"  They begin to take turns punching and kicking me into submission. Until finally I look up at the .357 pointed at my temple and smile with glee. BANG

She begged me to stay as I headed toward the door
But the longer I lingered the more painful it would be to leave
She was the type of girl to be sweet and give you kisses before you left for work she'd pack you a lunch so you didn't have to stress it

However as I closed the door behind me I reflected not on her flaws but my own as the meaning for my sudden departure
she would give up her life just to keep me happy
I would drain her life force and wither her away with my lack of drive to do anything but smoke **** and laugh at simple things
So you see she was a beautiful butterfly waiting to bloom in her chrysalis
I just couldn't do it be the reason she never got to bloom only able to provide cold winters when in summer she shines like the sun and kisses bring you tastes of heaven

AS I headed to my car I turned back to see her standing there tears streaming down her face her heart shattered
I was the bull in the china shop the cause of her current sadness
Better for her to cry now then to stare at me with disappointment in her eyes knowing  she picked a child of a man unable to give her what she truly deserves

Shes on track to be a college grad and I'm just living working a dead end job to pay rent no drive or motivation I feel like the **** of the earth a man full of potential but no drive to match self destructive behavior is always on the craving  addicted to soul searching but to myself I feel empty

I'm getting in my car to drive myself home alcohol and alone time are on my dinner plate
I get to my car only to feel the vice grip of a crying lover squeezing me begging me not to go and throw this away
She bury her head in my back and I can feel the tears soaking my t shirt covering me like hooks to make me rethink my decision
My keys are in my hand but I can't leave
Love is only a feeling and its got me feeling high and though every part of my brain is telling me to go just unlocking the door has become an obstacle So instead I turn and face her a squeeze her back the turtle shell around my emotions has finally cracked

beneath the tattoos and smile on my face
I'm covered in bruises from the last time we talked
Deep down I'm just a sad soul trying to become the man I know I can be shattered deep down inside desperately trying to peace myself back together before we made the jump and you gave the key that unlocked my heart
However none of that matters now your gone and that vision of us I fear is disappearing into nothing more then distant memories
Though my heart feels heavy there is nothing more to say I guess only time will tell if were truly meant to be or meant to go our separate ways

To live forever and never die rich men cry
Feebly unaware we all must pass on to what the afterlife bares
They seek potions and fountains galore setting aside family and happiness proclaiming "If i can make it so we never die well then connect and live our life" many have searched none succeeded lifetimes wasted love ones pleaded let this be a message for those that seek to never grow old true immortality truly lives in the memory and souls you help grow

I used to thirst for this
I used to lay awake at night never ending ideas on what I wanted to write
I used to have so much passion for this
I haven't written since October because any word I said would've been a lie
I've been in hibernation waiting for the passion and drive to return
But I feel as if I'm wasting my time
I used to speak to much now I talk to little
This winter has been harsh I feel like a dog in a kennel on the side of the road slowly freezing to death quiet because of lost  hope
I used to want this but this winters been harsh
not everyone made it
But the sun still shines
So I guess I better reevaluate my part
Taken before their time your memory forever in my heart and mind
The sun still shines and with is ends the hibernation of my mind

Tick tock my head falls off into a bowl of ****
the scars on my wrist look like such bliss
And I part the cap from the bottle faster then
moses did the red sea
The Lord hates blasphemy
and everyone that doesn't say please
Why don't I feel free
Why do I wanna bleed
Do you hate me
Why did you create me

Floating higher and higher into the clouds
Burning churches try to pull me back down
Gluttony is a sin
but every night I give in
Is this a hell that I live
Why do I give in
Who makes the rules on sin
Who said the devil never wins
Just the thought of the end makes me cringe
Until I load up another syringe

One week I last one week without smoking **** so I could get a new job. However when it was presented to me instead of turning down the ****, I reached for it like a baby does it's bottle. I was a depressed, jaded, ******* at the world overnight fast food employee. While I hated my job it had it's own set of perks since I was on the overnight shift I was able to smoke a stress filled cigarette inside of the store  as well as come up with insane combos of food for free. As much as I enjoyed those perks I had grown bored of the overnight life it had become easy to me and I was desperate for something new and to have nights off. I had applied at a nearby grocery store upon hearing the fact my job wanted to cut my hours drastically for switching to days. The grocery store did a mouth swab before hiring you hence the reason for me to stop smoking. Yet in that moment the **** within grasp it didn't seem to matter I had ways of cleaning out my system. The deed done I was dropped off at home, My body was on the ground but my head was dreaming and floating happily in the clouds.

Hear ye hear ye
May your valentines day be anything but dreary
may this collection of words usher roses to ignite in your cheeks that explode into a smile on your face stunning enough to make the birds sing like its spring
Your soul is black like coal because deep down theirs nothing but diamonds matched with a heart of gold
may your day be filled with the blissful melody of your laugh and your smile that melts even the coldest of hearts
throughout your day I know you'll continue to slay any test, quiz, or lab attempting to stump you on this valentines day
Like fine wine you've only grown sweeter with time
Your an amazing woman I couldn't be more genuine

Cut a knife against the sky and it all falls down
climb the tallest tree at some point you gotta climb down
Stay awake all night some time your gonna pass out
and as it all falls down that's when we rise up
for when we fall we learn the bottom wasn't that far down at all

The cool breeze awakes me and there I am in the hammock looking out at the sea with you in my arms next to me smiling but I blink and your gone replaced by this gun when only moments before you were smiling at me the cold steel stares it's barrel at me like a lover afraid I blink and your face is in front of mine smiling sweetly and divine wake up  I hear the words but I can't respond or move waya wake up we have stuff to do today the sun behind you shining past into my eyes I squint slowly about time sleepy head I feel the smile on my face and I blink filled with joy to only see the sun coming through my window and you nowhere near me

we could do anything
so we became *** addict junkies
college flunkies
working dead end jobs to survive
partying drinking always craving to be high

with sobriety comes anxiety
fear of failing
constantly called a freeloader of society
wasting away fighting to change
buried six feet deep in debts coffin
while starving on minimum wage

unable to find hope in the sky
depression strikes as the stars fall from the night sky
jaded

jaded feeling as the end of it all is nigh
blind masquerading bubble **** praising
mumble rap hailing
feeling trapped like mice about to die

members of a generation of wasted potential are you and I  
fighting to arise building battles cries only to die when the bills arrive

She hung herself last night right in front of me too but I didn't mind I was too high to move she smiled at me gracefully one last time and I could see a twinkle in her eye like I did every time she smiled before only this time it was different it was more I saw the twinkle but something deeper too I saw another galaxy as she smiled one last time as the shooting stars silently escaped her eyes and she whispered one word goodbye and then she fell gracefully like an eagle diving for it's prey her death would be hers and she caught it what only took seconds seemed like hours watching her fall I felt the need to cry but I wasn't sad I felt the need to stop her but I couldn't raise my hand so I watched her ballerina show until it's very end and she hung motionless before me and the saliva fell periodically like rain drops she had chosen to go to that galaxy while I watched her blast off to meet it in this one *be free busy bee rest your wings and sit with me

win or lose
win or lose
my heart will still bruise
my actions say the opposite of my emotions
oops my stanzas are getting too true
putting my thoughts on paper only ever has me feeling blue
Til I hit the herb
my grandmother hates it but it's the only thing I always choose
win or lose
win or lose
I fumbled again trying to pick and choose

I wonder if god sheds tears for all the cigarette butts in the ash trays at every bar seeing what he has crafted killing themselves to be able to relax I wonder if god sheds tears for all the bombs dropped and suicide notes does he spend his days in misery knowing he created us and our self destructive nature is that why he's abandoned us to hide away in his lonely heavens with his angels waiting on him as he withers away in self loathing does every sin of man cut like a razor against his wrist killing him slowly or does he laugh a sadistic laugh waiting for our time to run out and we all burn in hell

A psychedelic life with the love of an amazing woman is the only one worth living