The art of hating yourself
Is not easily achieved.
It takes motavation,
Words whispered across lunch rooms,
"Ugly, fat, stupid, freak"
It takes observation,
Hours staring at the pretty faces in the magazine,
Hours of trying hard to be something else
Hours feeling more lost then when you started.
It takes practice,
Feeling insecure as you walk down the hallway
Refusing food during the day,
doing crunches by night.
And of course it takes a certain type of person
For it to really take over the mind
A perfectionist
A person with a bad past or a uncertain future
A girl who blames herself
A girl who knows its her fault
If you are truly serious
about embarking on this journey,
This journey of unsatisfaction and secrecy,
Pushing people away and always, always
Craving,
Striving,
Searching,
Starving,
Needing,
That promise of perfection,
Take a class from the master
Or two
Or three
She's right here in town
The most dedicated and driven
The best of the best
She has cultivated
The Art of Hating herself
And she's the person I see in the mirror
Staring right back at me

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

Little girl started feeling insecure at the age of twelve, certainly it wouldn't be the last.

At first the voices didn’t get to her, but eventually, the voices got to her enveloping her into an all too familiar embrace that she wanted to escape.

At the age of 13, it was a fresh new start, it was the start of freshmen year,  little girl was actually doing okay but she couldn't help but hear the voices at the back of her head, screaming at her, comparing her to numerous other girls she saw on instagram, on runways and on the hallways, how different in size and appearance she was compared to all of them.

At the age of 14, little girl thought everything was going to change unfortunately for her, it didn’t when insecurities came crashing down onto her like how reality crashes down unto you after reading a good book, when people did not only comment how big she was but they started being more specific about their implications.

Normally, she wouldn't have taken it seriously.
Scientifically, it was normal for her to grow on those areas because, news flash, it's part of adolescence, but for her, it was just another file to add into a file cabinet, she called life. A disorganized file cabinet, she was too exhausted to organize.

14-year-old girl started wearing 2 sports bras at once, not minding how she couldn't breathe, not minding how her lungs were gasping for relaxation and to be able to be comfortable enough to grasp oxygen, but she did not care with how the way her body was begging her to give it oxygen, her body did not deserve to breathe for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl also learned how to skip meals, it was the year in which she learned how to lie about her being full because it would be embarrassing enough to say that she was hungry at 6:30 am in the morning when she basically devoured everything they had for dinner, to at least fill up the gaping hole of emptiness and unsatisfaction she feels when she looks at herself in the mirror and can't a single thing to like about herself.

14-year-old girl also learned how to act, act sick so no one would question her why she threw up all the food she devoured, when in reality she grasped onto her neck, so tightly, choking herself and made her release all the chewed up food they had for dinner, unfortunately it did not release all the insecurities and coped up feelings she kept inside of her, she punished herself because her body did not deserve that satisfaction, her body did not deserve being rewarded for being such a burden in her life.

14-year-old girl told herself to not eat.  Simple.
14-year-old girl told herself that guys wouldn't like her because of her insecurities.
14-year-old girl had to swallow every tear that was made when people made fat jokes at her. That was the only thing she was good at. Swallowing, devouring, being fat. Being such a ******* burden.

Little girl was always so immersed into her body, always investing time to punish herself because she was never what the norms were.

At the age of 15 little girl gave up on caring.

15-year-old girl realized she did not need people's validation on how she should look physically.

15-year-old girl realized that her body is a temple worthy of praise and worship, not insults and comments about how it should look.

15-year-old girl understood the concept of false advertisement.  

15-year-old girl realized that she is lovable, she is worth love and she does not need any guy to show her that, that the only love she needed was love towards herself.

"Thou whose eyes unopened and unable to see
Still finds his one love, oh how can it be?"
"No need for these eyes when you have an open heart
Unfurled sight is what keeps two loves apart"

"Thou blind one, how did it come to be?
Two in one love, please explain this to me"
"Oh dear friend, to me, my love came
Heart encased in sorrow's ice, melted by her flame"

"Thou one whose heart is as open as the sea,
  How tender the love held by you and she?"
"Our love, I hold, like her soft, gentle hand
Intwined together, as is grass to the land"

"Thou deafened one who chooses only to see,
How much quality in the love, held by the hands of thee?"
"My love comes and goes like a migrating dove
How can I change to unsatisfaction of my love?"

"Thou one with no sight can show you to be
As loyal, caring, and loving as he
So learn to use your heart over eyes
Or else each love after the next is bound to capsize."

eternally unsatisfied
picking out all the things that you are not
when you're already so much more than i deserve

My tears,
The bitter rain in which
I once loved,
They run down my face,
The face with the mask
Of joy and contentment
And yet beneath is
Utterly destroyed
By unsatisfaction
By loss in something
I believed was everlasting
By a love that was always
Incompleted because of reality

It's not a bad thing to make mistakes
But overdoing it can make aches.

Sin came from our desires
It is a force that tempts us to lit our fire.
Sin causes lives into distruction
And make people cry in unsatisfaction.

Naive people,sinning to earn self happiness.
Selfishness is the start of fights.
War, and more sin which is made by human kind.

She won't let a thing pass her by,
Without wanting to have a touch.
To save herself she has to lie.
Daily she has a new catch,
Getting from others without asking,
More like trouble seeking.
But it seems her hands are out of control,
Her conscience no longer plays its role,
She's a slave to unsatisfaction,
She wants to have it all even without need.
Diagnosed but its no disease.
Her heart can be fixed and finally be at ease.

SAME PLACE DIFFERENT SEASON
EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I LOVE TURNED TO SHADES OF GRAY
I FINALLY LOOKED TO GOD
AND ALL HE TOLD ME WAS TO SHUT THE **** UP
LEAVE ME TO WASTE CAUSE I'LL NEVER BE WHOLE
UNSATISFACTION HAS BECOME A DAILY EMOTION
NO HEART NO FAMILY
NO LOVE LOST
NO LOVE FOUND

the isolation wasn't poison, but a drug
one that I tried to drown myself into
until my brain would save myself, breathing in more air
panting rapidly,
loving how it felt to be on the edge of letting go
for just a second, to be with the nothingness surrounding me
until the world resumed
my heartbeat became evident
and the unsatisfaction of reality reappeared

©L.F.

It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home