I never wanted to.
I didn't say yes,
In fact you never even asked.
Did you think this would ever affect me?
Did you think that one day I'd be too fucked up for anyone to ever want me again
Did come to mind that one day I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.
That one day, I'd cry broken sobs into my pillow just to feel.
That ever since I've been trying to forget, trying to fill the void
The void that you ripped into my chest.
You made nothing feel good, you broke the last living part of my body
But I think now, I'm finally whole
Whole and alone.
The way you wanted it.
You were laying in a bathtub
And all they did was wash you.
You were alone.
Bruised toes hanging of out the white porcelain.
Your hair, damp and thick with mildew, dripped off my fingers.
And you were alone.
All they did was wash you.
Blue lips, puckered as if to say your final speech
That everyone around you left you alone,
Until the only one left to find you,
There’s something sadistic about cigarettes,
and the way they fondled your hands
like the way you used to fondle me,
hard and rough.
There’s something sadistic about the way they kill,
slow and steady,
like your words and how you purred them into my ears.
Their smell, coats and lingers for what can seem like years.
Just like your Old Spice body and strawberry scented hair,
because 4 years later the scent sticks to my nostrils
like a child clings to their mother.
There’s just something sadistic about the way a cigarette can look so damn good on you.
A fashion accessory, licensed to kill
YOU LED ALL CAPS KIND OF LIFE
EVERYTHING WAS SET ON FIRE AND YOU WERE JUMPING THROUGH THE HOOPS
YOU NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BURN YOU,
YOU THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OKAY
BUT YOU DANCED WITH THE FIREY LANDSCAPE
AND JUGGLED WITH THE UNCERTAIN FLAME
BUT I WAS TOO WEAK TO EVER FOLLOW IN YOUR SCORTCHED PATH
YOU BURNED EVERYTHING
TILL ALL YOU WERE WAS EMBER,
LAYING BEFORE THE FEET OF EVERYONE.
EVERYONE, WHO EVER WRONGED YOU
AND EVERYONE WHO BURNED YOU
TILL YOU WERE NOTHING
My mother was right about 3 things:
1: Money will bring you happiness
2: You will always stand second to a man
3: You will never be good enough
I learned the first to be true when I was 14 and my mother brought home a man who made twice as much as my father and watched her eyes glimmer like the new, sparkly diamond on her finger. I learned the second was true when I was 15 and had my first boyfriend and became “the girl with the boyfriend” because that’s what good girls are. And the third I learned at 5 when my brother was handed the silver spoon we all wish to eat off of. My mother wasn’t right about much, in fact she was almost never right. But, those 3 things are the only things that scare me to death right before I close my eyes at night.