It doesn't matter how hard I try
I never seem to get away
Cause after all you did to me
I fear these feelings will always stay

Your lies I believed were the truth beneath
The pain recedes but the heart bleeds
My instincts were right all along
I’m just a part of your love song

You see, I live my life in fear
Fear I won't succeed
And every small critique I get
Makes me once again recede

My Iloveyous to you were inevitable
Like the sun emitting his ardor
Despite the moon in slumber’s nocturne
He shines brightly with fervor

I live my life, always afraid
That I am not on the right path
And if I take one small misstep
I'll have to face somebody's wrath

Time consumes me while I waste it away
Like grains of sand as I clenched and ran
Only to lose it
Again and again

I am eternally scared
That all my judgments are wrong
And if I ever meet someone
They'll only like me for so long

But then I met you out of the blue
You were trying to forget someone too
We sparked like fireworks in the night sky
But the fire burnt out and our colors faded hue

I live my life in constant fear
I fear that you were right
I simply am not good enough
And I will not be alright

Thank you for proving me right
That we were not meant to be
How could you love another light
When I was the one your darkness pleased

But even worse than all these things
Is my terror that someday
I will meet someone else like you
And not be able to get away.

You complete me
&
You destroyed me

Sunrise and tide were getting brights,
He was heading somewhere,
She didn't even know as well,
Accidentally stopping on the shore,
Hoping she didn't mind, and more.
Tipsified by that kind of exhilaration,
Seeming steady to erase their philophobia,
They opened up their hearts full of passion.
Expecting to be forever on the same shell,
To live their shared dreams full of lights,
Letting the waves sing them where to go...

Falling.
they say that it’s exhilarating
like a fast car at midnight
cheeks aching from
the grin that couldn’t be held back
warm fingers laced between
the imperfections
forgotten
and yourself
found.

But
what if the car
crashes
and cheeks become tear stained
cold hands holding your own head
heavy with thought
and memories
lost and
broken.

I suppose
I’m yet to find a
fall
that seems worth all the
what if’s.

i loved you to the extent
where i would swear upon myself
if you didn't exist in my life
it would be living hell

you showed me it was mutual
but i don't believe in actions without words
'cause what are actions for
if they support nothing

i continued to love you
to the point where it would hurt
where a little pain
in the heart would spurt

one day all of you vanished
and i was left to wonder
what's to become of us now
without you leaving anything

i can't even explain
how hell it is compared to before
i don't blame you for losing me
i blame you for making me scared

scared to fall in love all over again

i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

The fear of love
Dreading the aftermath
You can't predict

r

Philophobia (sonnet 14)

Last night I left my thought at the doorstep of her eyes.
The fear of her being with another guy.
I will wait! no more step to another girl’s heart.
For no one is better than.
The next day I couldn’t remember the thought.
I rang the bell twice and the echo answered the door.
I watched the mountains kissing the heaven,
I saw the fountains spying the river.
longing my mind to another level,
And the waves clasped one another.
Love after love I saw my beloved,
No more wandering lonely in lust,
my soul will not quench even when my feeling is out of sight.
I love you from the depth of my heart
                    Inamorata

I hate that almost half
Half of all marriages
end in divorce
Divorce that leaves
at least one of the two
in complete shambles
begging for help
on the bathroom floor

I hate that 70%,
More than half
of all men, admit
to cheating on their lady
the lady they once
loved so deeply
left to wonder,
Am I not enough?

I hate that 4 million
ladies experience bruises
on their beautiful bodies
from their so-called lovers
Leaving the girl, broken
And scarred for life

I hate, that I'm
Scared
No, terrified
Of these possibilities

But most of all,
I hate
Absolutely loathe
That I don't hate you
In fact,
It's the complete opposite

It's hard.
I was afraid to love.
Then i loved you.
You made me happy,
I wanted to stay alive.
Then you broke my heart,
And I started to cry
But now you can see,
What was left of me.
*Why I'm so afraid to love...

i wasn't ready for you
and i knew you weren't ready for me.
i was scared to show you the mess between my ribs and the hurricane inside my head. i was afraid you'd cower and run.
but they say time, time is the true narcotic for pain
and they were right.
because now i am more than willing to cut my heart open knowing it would only bleed your name
i am willing to tear every layer of my skin to show you what i'm made of.
everything that makes me, me.
my scars, my fears, my hopes and my dreams
my "night pieces" ; the pieces i only share with the moon.
i will show them all.
because i want you to know that i am not perfect
(i am tired of trying to be)
i am a storm beneath flesh and bones
i am made up of tiny cracks and holes that could never be filled
and they are what makes me whole.
i will be your biggest tidal wave.
but darling, if you accept me for everything that i am
and everything that i'm not,
i promise to love you like you've never been loved before.

It feels like my head is at war with my heart.
Thoughts roaming free,
While feelings imprisoned in my chest.
Contained in a cell surrounded by pain,
pinned to the ground being abused and tamed.

Driven' insane by the memory of your kiss,
Because I know I'll try to keep myself from the sweet taste of your lips.
Your fingerprints left behind on my skin,
from a crime that we couldn't find the time to fully commit.

When your hand parted with mine,
My fingers had never felt so lonely.
As if you dug up some hidden pain I repressed without any remorse.

Too many secrets shared while we were dazed,
Hoping you'll forget mine,
But each word of yours I seared in my brain.