may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone

Smile.
“I’m fine.”
Smile.
“Just tired.”
Smile.
“oh, sorry, I’ve been busy.”
Smile.
Smile.
Smile.

It’s funny,
isn’t it?
How hard it is to tell the difference
between a smile

and a grimace.

It’s funny,
isn’t it?
How people are so willing
to swallow a lie,
If it’s what they want to hear,

And you’re baring your teeth.

PEOPLE call me just to say hell
people call me just to say low
and inside of my darkness
inside of this nightmare
is my prison cell
is my contusion
is my confusion
and i'm not well i'm kind of ill
just sick feeling pain
oh let it rain just let it rain
i have to disengage all this rage
and call upon a priest for blasphemy
inside of me it's inside of me
like a cat fighting zero gravity
all alone all alone
down to the bone
so sorry now but i gotta go
let me go all alone.

:: 10-11-2018 ::

And,
Just like that,
It was October again.
It felt
A little colder,
A little darker,
And a lot less like you.

Solitude, oh solitude!
Why are you still around?
Solitude, my loyal friend,
our time now needs to end.
Home is waiting for me.

Solitude, my loyal friend,
here I am again with you,
too weak to achieve
the one thing that I seek.

Solitude, oh solitude!
Why is it so hard?
So afraid to be hurt
I just can't drop my guard.