I've gotten to a point where I am mild.
I can control my face while my mind goes wild.
But, just every now and then, it hits me.
Like in the shower, I realize you are not with me,
so you will not be sneaking in to shine that smile...
I realized I was hoping for it for awhile.
These epiphanies bring me to my knees.
Tears leap from my eyes and the air goes from me.
I can't even go an hour without thinking of you,
it is eating me alive hoping to hear from you.
I woke up in the morning and expected your face,
instead there was nothing in your place.
It hit me then, too, like a sack of ******* bricks;
I can't tell if this is part of your mind tricks.
Are you falling further? Will you come back?
Am I supposed to ignore this "temporary" lack?
I'm filling with rage, a little more each day,
I'm afraid I'll snap; spew anger that pushes you away.
When will I receive word from you next?
I want a phone call, Hell, even just a text...
Often enough to suggest you want me at all,
so I can know if you'll hold me, or let me fall...

i'm holding on to holding on,
it's all that i've got left.
there's people here who need me strong,
they need me here, i guess.

time has been stretching on for me
and my patience is running thin.
i feel i've lost the will to be
happy with just about anything.

i'm struggling to keep away
from all the addictions i once had.
i hear them calling every day,
and i want to give in, so bad.

it's only knowing i've been here
about a million times before
that keeps my head clean and clear,
knowing i can survive once more.

i'm aware i'll make it through this,
but i can't say i'm glad that's true.
i'd like to say it's over, i wish,
but i feel stuck here, supporting you.

Oh, what is the point of reason,
if reason cannot be found?
The mind whirls and twirls,
as you cascade, with tears, to the ground.

Reason and purpose is what you seek,
hope is what holds you by a thread.
Love has you hurt and feeling weak,
as one deep cut that starts to spread.

Your heart is torn by lovely Her,
and faith drips from your closed eyes.
What has She done to ruin you?
How could she break your hopes, and why?

The gold around Her finger
must have turned her mind around,
for she whispered of the end,
and left without a sound.

Now since she took all you had,
your mind kills, and spills, and overflows.
Reason to live, seeps out your veins,
and follows She, as she goes.

The demons inside me are screaming,
They want, no, they NEED a feeding.
Every space in my body crying for drugs,
But I keep it silent and take your hugs.
Almost as fulfilling without the chemicals
But when I'm high, I finally feel beautiful.
My head pounds and heart skips beats,
Knowing there's substance only a mere few feet
Just past the love of my life,
If I only dare to admit to him my strife.
Pride and his six deadly brothers talk to me,
Seven voices of sin begging me to give in finally.
I listen to lust and you can **** my screams away,
Just hold me tight and for awhile I am satiated.
I've fought them before but they've come back
Stronger then before and I wanna cut to black.
I'm not sure this time I'll stay on track,
My emotions are louder and they viciously attack;
Allying with the demons to destroy my intention
They're jumping up and down to hold my attention
And it's boiling inside me; need a distraction
Quick! It's eating me alive; it's an infestation!
Always thinking of the next time I can get some,
Fighting myself over this is just troublesome.
It's a 50/50 chance I'll relapse and get lost in it,
And my poor love is accidentally involved in it
Because I'm obssessed with it
Trying to keep silent about it
Don't want him to see me fighting it.
The demons are ugly and you just love me,
you just want me to be happy,
Well so do I, and right now you're the only thing good for me.
I hope you don't ever see me scream or cry,
Not the way I am inside.

Now I dream about you.
Pleasant dreams,
such as you cooking supper;
you singing as you clean;
your laugh.
But I wake up to these memories re-lived,
and I want to scream in terror...
I am haunted by your handsome face.
Awake, asleep, it is now all the same.
I can't stop from crying - concious or not.
You've left a hole in me that I fill with sadness.
I won't move on until you force me to.
I wish at least you'd appear as evil,
but you're simply a beautiful soul,
one I will miss and I will be haunted by my loss.

We all feel mad that we can't go back, when life gets black, we all feel blue. I KNOW you, which is pretty true and you too, you KNOW me, and what else is chemistry but rather molecules that get along? Is this a rap song? Maybe. All I know is me. which is to say, I don't know me at all. I'm a white wall, in a bathroom stall, in for the long haul, years of markings and tourists signatures, left by ***** and inconsiderate *******, never thought about a future, too concerned of others to live for myself, it's ******* ******* and it's time I jump off the shelf I sat upon because time's up for me, show's on. I went so long ignoring myself, it was wrong. and even though I can take free love, I gotta be strong; I gotta say no, and not because I want to, but because I need to. I made a promise to my heart that I won't start to love another until I pull together some better weather for my own **** self.

Forgive me if I miss my chance, hopefully later I'll be re-offered this dance. but my friend, I need you, until the end. Who knows what love could do? It could put a stake through me and you, or maybe it could be the best thing we ever do. Either way this needs to wait, I need friends and family to support me, and that lost girl that you speak of, that you see, that's me, and I appreciate your kindness and care; I know you're there. She know she's blessed and she's scared to walk away, even temporarily, but you know me, and we both know alone is what I should be, if only temporarily.

I also feel like in time you may find that I'm not the girl that will blow your world, but I probably look a lot like her. She's gonna be nerdier and dirtier (minded) than I, she's gonna be funny and enjoy acid highs, she's gonna wanna travel wherever with you, and she's not gonna be miserable too. I don't know what I'm like just yet, not exactly who I am. Maybe you can't live with her... or maybe you can. I don't even know that I want to, but I have to try to. Maybe it's not in my fate, but I do too hope that all the pain I have within will dissipate so I can learn to have less hate; I don't always want to frown, don't always want to look down. I need to hold my own chin high, not let someone else help me get by. Time's the only thing that tells, so best to check the wishing well in hopes it all works out swell.

I am so angry and sad;
miserable and alone.
If I don't learn how to deal
my heart may turn to stone.
I don't wish to be bitter,
or heartless or cruel,
but this world is so harsh,
so my hatred gains fuel.
No man will ever touch me,
this I choose to be the case.
I am better off with none
that will try to read my face.
I am now so resentful and cold,
finding it hard to hold it in
to the point I've bit through my lip
trying to keep my anger within.
I've got strangers telling me I have attitude,
and my friends don't "recognize me".
I feel like TnT, about to blow,
is anyone going to stop me?
Don't be surprised when the city's in flames,
because the world let me down
a couple times more than I could bear
and my feelings, I couldn't drown.
The walls have holes
and my knuckles are bruised,
but at least, drugs and alcohol,
I haven't abused.
I've been doing fine by myself;
don't need a man to be pleased
since I'm actually more satisfied
when it's just me doing me.
It's all these people who don't care,
about what I want or who I am
that are causing me to feel this way;
causing me to not give a ****.
My fingers are chewed and chipped,
my palms have nail marks ingrained,
my lips are STILL BLEEDING
HOLDING IT IN; I'M TOO DRAINED!!
I don't want to hold it in anymore!
I want to scream with all I've got
and punch every person I see
until my pain can be forgot...
but alas...what does it matter,
I'm too nice to ever make a peep...
I'll tear myself apart by holding back
to save the world from me...

I miss you so badly, the thought of you is like fire to me.
The flames, they tickle and dance through my veins
and the smoke thickens and suffocates my brain.
Much like I am trapped by your memory,
thus the feeling is never-ending and goes repeatedly.
I've tried to extinguish all thought of you,
but I'm not ready to give up, to tell the truth.
Even if I found a way to erase our time,
I would still reject the option to rewind.
Our time was part chaos, but it had so much beauty...
and although it hurts, I want that to stay with me.
I'll breathe this fire and let it consume,
and I'll never stop hoping that I'll see you soon.

Back and forth.
Back and forth.

Every step forward
means two backward.

Some people get stuck in a cycle
going 'round and 'round;
living a dangerous life style -
it's all they've been around.

The vicious cycle is real for me
and even though I am aware of it
that doesn't make the fighting easy,
it truly feels like it's not fair. Is it?

Why, in those crucial moments,
does my conscience step aside?
Watching as I make no sense
in the choices that I decide.

The cycle truly does control me
no matter how hard I fight back
the addiction takes hold of me
coming on like a panic attack.

One day I feel tough as nails
high hopes on meeting my goal
then negativity tells its tales
defeating my determined soul.

Constant reminders and triggers
and people who forget to try.
Honestly, I feel that it figures
inside we all just want to fly.

Like an elastic, I go back and forth,
one day there's hope, the next defeat
I may never know my true worth
unless the cycle, I can beat.

Two steps forward
no steps backward.

Move forward.
Move forward.

I didn't decide to be insecure and weak,
it's just the cards I've been dealt.
I used to know how to stand and speak,
but whenever I did, I'd receive a welt.
Now I'm scared to stand at all;
I'm so afraid to even talk to you,
so buried beneath my comfort wall,
I only have room to let the hate through.
Permanent bruises cover all my skin
from times I fought to have my say.
I quickly learned to live within
and keep to myself, in every way.
People have beat me, ***** me, fought me,
scarred me, changed me, lied to me,
insulted me, trapped me, manipulated me;
so it makes sense this is how I came to be.
So tired of being told I'll be accepted,
loved, desired, cherished, or adored,
when over time, all I am is rejected,
misunderstood, disregarded, and ignored.
I keep telling myself I'm better than this,
but I can't stop history from repeating.
I can tell how ignorance would be bliss,
but it's not easy to ignore the deceiving.
There's nothing to stop me from walking away,
except my lack of ambition to be alone.
I'd rather sit quietly and never convey
these feelings that turn me to stone.
There's no prince in shining armor
that will rescue me from my strife;
there's no man who's a genuine charmer
that's going to try and change my life.
Given the genes of a manic depressive,
and put through the wringer time and time,
it's no wonder my thoughts have grown aggressive;
I wasn't born with the strength to be fine.

getting caught up in your web of lies.
its time that i should realize
there's nothing but ******* in your eyes
and i can no longer sympathize.

you greet each day with only half a heart,
silently wishing it didn't start,
hoping each day's the one you depart,
tired of living your life in the dark.

i follow you to try to shed some light
but you close your eyes at the sight,
and call to you, your blanket of night.
you won't let me help with this fight.

give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day,
trying to teach you, but you run away.
you can't help someone who won't stay,
so why am i still here, anyway?

There are days my eyes open to a world of possibility
and days where my eyes remain shut to responsibility.

There are days where I'm confident in my infallibility,
but then come the days where I am filled with inability.

Some days I feel like I am the epitome of viability
only to experience a different day full of volatility.

Constantly, there are days that fill me with tranquility,
until the next day comes that's filled with hostility.

For certain, though, life is not know for its amenability,
but rather, life is known for all its desirability.

We’re all looking at the world through our own windows
getting personal prospective on the way the world goes.
See the obstacles that are meant to keep us on our toes,
some people react but most just watch, like TV shows.
We all have a choice when it comes to ending world woes
and sadly, too many people sit oblivious as trouble grows;
ignorant, in bliss, while the ever-growing **** storm blows.
People getting high while world tragedy reaches new lows
because being naïve cowards was the life they chose;
they’d rather shoot up and sleep on piles of ***** clothes
than step up and take action against all the world’s foes.
I’ve decided that it’s my time, and to start I must propose
that we come together, step out from hiding in shadows
and work diligently at determining what we must expose
and work endlessly to change the fact that people dispose
information on world issues that happen under our nose.
I'm going to react to my prospective to see how it goes
because I am **** tired of watching chaos from my windows.

For us, I always reach for the stars
but all I can touch is dust.
I wanted to land on mars,
but this is a valley of rust.
No matter how hard I try
this love is destined to die.
I never meant to hurt you
but I did, that much is true.
If revenge is a dish served cold,
that explains this frost taking hold.
Trapping me in a place so old,
that I could escape from, so I'm told.
I've never been one to give up easy,
regardless of whether it consumes me.
I said I'd fight for you,
so that's exactly what I'll do.
Until my brain explodes when hope fails,
I will be here, reaching for you,
and when your ship finally sails,
I'll know I did everything I could to love you.

we're just savages in suits