We apologize for the interruption
In your programming,
However, we have breaking news to report.
Have just confirmed a recent discovery
That has people around the world
Dancing in the streets.
Celebrated as the news spread across the globe
That we are not our credit reports.
I repeat, * we are not our credit reports!
This shocking news was immediately followed
By a landslide of related discoveries:
It turns out that we are also
Not our resumes
Not our cars
Not the brand names we purchase
Not our stock portfolios
We are also not
Nor are we
Our Social Security numbers
Our telephone numbers
Our employee numbers
Our customer numbers
Our account numbers
Our license numbers
Our claim numbers
Our case numbers
Naturally, this raises the question of
What are we?
It is our understanding that we are something
But what, has yet to be determined.
Scientists, Philosophers, and
The leaders of the world’s great religions
Have gathered in Paris
To discuss how these very important discoveries
Will affect their explanations about
Life on Earth.
The most anyone can say at this point
Is that who or what we are
Is far greater than anything previously imagined.
We have also just learned that
Diamonds are not really forever
Because forever is actually much, much longer
Than we ever thought.
Nor are they necessarily a girl’s best friend
In fact, it seems that a girls best friend
Is none other than
Her best friend.
It has also been confirmed that
Money does not make the world go around
Nor is it the root of all evil.
In fact, money is really nothing at all
And has absolutely nothing to do
With value or worth.
The news of these discoveries
Has undoubtedly had a profound impact on the world
And especially in the United States.
In California, tanning salons and gyms began closing
As soon as people realized they could
Exercise outdoors in the sunshine.
Disneyland was abandoned once people understood
That happiness is not a place or a meal
Nor a thing to be pursued
But an attribute of nature
That is universally available to anyone
Who chooses to experience it.
In Las Vegas, casinos were empty once people
Noticed that nothing at all was happening in them.
In the mid-west, major league sports teams disbanded
When the players and fans realized
Winning has nothing to do with competition.
Some of the world’s most prestigious schools and universities
Have announced they will stop charging tuition or issuing diplomas
Instead, anyone who wishes to learn
May freely learn from anyone who wishes to be taught.
Doctors and nurses around the globe
Have begun treating and healing people for free
Because they now understand
That it’s wrong to only care for some and not for others.
Wars have been halted
And world-wide peace has broken out
As soldiers everywhere are laying down their weapons
And are choosing instead to help repair and heal war-torn nations.
By all accounts, it appears that a global revolution has began to occur.
The world’s stock markets have all collapsed and
People on every continent have begun to help each other
Not out of obligation from payment but
Out of kindness and compassion
Out of love and respect
Out of forgiveness and gratitude
Out of joy and celebration.
Some governments have even forgiven all debt
And countries that were once impoverished
Are now seeing truck-loads, plane-loads,
Boat-loads and train-loads
Of food, books, supplies, tools, and people
Lining their ports and borders
Eager to alleviate hunger and suffering.
In fact, a new world economy has begun to take shape
An economy not of competition over capital
But of equality, diversity and integrity.
An economy based on balance and peace.
People everywhere, freed from the pressure
To buy more, have more, in order to be more,
Are quitting their high paying corporate jobs
And starting to do things that are really important
Like traveling, learning, healing, evolving, and creating.
There has been a flood of new art, poetry, and music.
Many museums and galleries are now open 24-hours a day
And are packed around the clock with artists and patrons
Of every genre and media imaginable
Enjoying the free exchange of ideas and creativity.
But as incredible as this news is,
Not everyone is pleased about it.
Particularly the wealthy and the powerful.
Some have been observed wandering the streets
Desperately trying to hire people to guard and protect them
But since the news about the discoveries broke
It seems that no matter what wage is offered,
The position remains
There are reports of small groups of men and women
Demanding to be told who they are
Huddled together near banks, court houses, and other government buildings
Fending off anyone offering to help or explain
Who is not wearing an official uniform.
In some cities, confused individuals
Spend days and weeks in front of television sets
Flipping endlessly through channel after channel
Trying in vain to find a product they can identify with
But the only thing being broadcast
Wait a minute, we’ve just received an update.
This just in from the United States government:
The White House has just issued a statement
Claiming that these amazing discoveries
In fact, the President insists the sources responsible for these claims
Are actually terrorists who hate freedom and hate America
And are organizing an attack to destroy everything that we
As freedom-loving Americans hold so dear.
Government officials are urging everyone to
Pay close attention to their television
For information and instructions.
In the mean time, the government is recommending that everyone
Simply carry on, and continue to work and shop as normal,
But to be on the look-out for “terrorists” or “evil doers”
Who are very unpatriotic, and want everyone to be poor
And not eat meat and go bare-foot all the time.
The President, in an address to the public this afternoon,
Issued a message to all freedom-loving Americans
That we must be prepared to sacrifice our liberty
In order to preserve our freedom by liberating
The un-free who freely wish to be liberated
By freedom fighters who will fight
For the freedom and the liberty
To spread freedom to those
Who have not been fully liberated
From their own freedom So that we,
as the liberators of freedom
Will have the liberty
To Freely liberate ourselves
On the world
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program
Originally written in 2003 while George W Bush was president.