The smell of damp leaves
whirls around me
There's a chill in the air
and a sense of mischief
in the sway of the trees

It's coming
*It's coming...

One of those days
where the tears sit
poised to fall

One of those days
where your heart
curls up into a ball

One of those days
where the need to retreat
is almost too strong to resist

One of those days
where you really
just need an
EXIT

One of those days
where basic human interaction
is a struggle

One of those days
where life just feels
like too much to juggle

One of those days
where your brain feels
like it's going to riot

One of those days
where you really just
want to be
quiet

One of those days
where you can't tell
if any of it is real
or all in your mind

One of those days
where you really
just don't want to be kind

One of those days
where you don't feel
too stable

One of those days
where you just want
to be
i n v i s i b l e

It's just one of those days
Know what I mean?

Your name
haaaaaaunts
the dark recesses
of my mind

"No one cares
about your words"

When the day to day
becomes too much
you are the quiet calm
waiting on the other side

Lost
in my own mind
today

Do not
disturb me

"I bought books,"
I confessed.
"You have no money.
Why are you buying more books?"
they demanded to know.
"Because I was hungry."

I feel good enough
in your gaze

All my fears
All my doubts
All my insecurities
are put to bed
when you look at me

In your arms
there is a subtle feeling
that all is right in the world

I wish I could tell you
that I hate you

I wish I could tell you
that your memory
fills me with rage

I wish I could tell you
that I hope
you find happiness

I wish I could tell you
that I want
nothing but the best for you

I wish I could tell you
that I feel
anything at all

But I can't.

Because I don't.

Am I ever
gonna be enough
just as I am?

Your love
has left me malnourished
and begging for scraps

And so it sets in again
That same old melancholy

I refuse to let you
pull me down

When I think of you
I'll put on a happy song
and dance

When I think of you
I'll paint a picture of a sunset

When I think of you
I'll belt out show tunes

When I think of you
I'll put on a funny movie
and laugh until my sides hurt

I won't collapse into tears
I won't whisper your name
into the night
I won't stop eating
I won't stop sleeping

When I think of you
I will fight your memory

I refuse to let you pull me down

You're gone
and you're happy
and I'm still just...here

If the written word
ceased to exist
I would end with it

Surrounded
by bright holiday joy
But I just feel
e  m  p  t  y

I can sit here
and roll my eyes
and pretend like it doesn't hurt
But the truth is
I'm *heartbroken

Hemingway said
that writing is easy
"All you do
is sit down at a typewriter
and bleed."

But sometimes
bleeding can be
the hardest thing to do

i want to move to a big city
and be anonymous
for a little while

I think
sometimes
I bring you up
in conversations
just so my lips
can form your name

chest tightening
pressure building
here we go again

throat closing
panting
coughing
crying
can't breathe
why does this
always happen?

head pounding
heart racing
mind buzzing
all i did
was say your name
out loud

I put your memories in a box
(I didn't want to need them anymore)
But I couldn't close the lid

I stared at those memories in a box
For a week or maybe three
Wondering if you had your own box
Or was it only me?

I got lost in those memories in a box
The way it felt when we kissed
Bedtime stories
and your fingers in my hair
The smell of your soap
The warmth of your arms
and the sound of I love you in my ear

I looked at those memories
with a smile and a bittersweet sigh

I put your memories in a box
and today I closed the lid

Thinking of you
Getting anxious
Needing you

*Lather
Rinse
Repeat

Two loves
Two tugging at my heart
One old and familiar
The other barely explored

Flip-flopping between the pulls
Don't know which way to go
Emotions blurred
Everything's a mess
Can't I just have you both?

Your lips
on my skin
tracing patterns
in the dark
Exploring
their old paths

Your lips
between my thighs
Tender
Gentle
Ecstasy
beyond compare

Oh, how I have missed this

My lips
form your name
The sound of it
reverberating
in every corner
of my mind

Feels so perfect
Feels so right
How could this
ever be wrong?
How could we
ever be wrong?

I keep saying
I'm done with you

I tell myself
it's over

But then
you look at me
and I melt

You kiss me
and I crumble

You touch me
and I lose all control

I'm powerless
against you

There are moments
(mostly in the mornings)
when I can pretend
we never happened
I lay there, thinking nothing,
and I feel happy

But then
the memories
begin to bubble up
one by one
The pain returns
And I realize that
there's no escaping you

If only you knew
that I still write for you

It's cold
It's raining
and I feel more
A  L  I  V  E
than I have in weeks

Your name
always on my lips

Your face
always there
when I close my eyes

Your presence
always in my dreams

You haunt me

I love you,
my dear,
fiercely
and with reckless abandon

I'll be here
when you're ready
Come back to me

It's over
and that's fine
But I could've done
without knowing
it was all my fault

I see all of your flaws
I see your insecurities
I can see all the things you hate about yourself
All the things that eat you up inside
and they just make you beautiful

I only
half exist
when
you're not here

All I want to do
is lay in your arms
and dream as you whisper
*I love you
I love you
I love you

I'm never more in love with you
than I am in those moments
that you're at your most vulnerable

Saying that
I
love
you
doesn't really do it justice,
but it's a good place to start

You
fill me with a
passion
I never knew
existed

Trying not
to get carried away
but
I can't help but blush
when I whisper your name

My soul
longs for another soul
with whom to share
all that I keep quiet
in my heart

Happy today
and
I know
I should be grateful
but
it's hard to be
when I know
that the
d a r k n e s s
is lurking
just around the corner