how are you so
heartless
that you can
break someone entirely
shrug,
and walk away,
like you’ve done it...

...a million times.

vivid
but forgotten so quickly

hurt me a little more
if it makes you happy.

seconds
minutes
hours
days.
insanity creeping
with little droplets

plink..
.....plink...
.............plink....

nightmare­s
churn through
the dark thoughts
while listening
to the droplets

plink..
.....plink...
.............plink....

you tighten the bolts
the echo repeats
in your head,
the drops keep
dropping rhythmically

plink..
.....plink...
.............plink....

screaming and ringing
in your ears
become louder
and sync with the droplets.

plink..
.....plink...
.............plink....

yelling and groaning
at this faucet
pushes you over the edge
with the hammer in hand.

plink...

but you realize
the droplets
weren’t the problem

it was all in your head.

i crave you
as if you were nicotine
i want you
even if you poison me
i miss you
though you disregarded me
you’re like a drug
i can’t stop craving
even when you hurt me
i just need another hit
to resolve the pain
of your absence
i was nothing to you
i never understood
but now you’re gone
and i’ve moved on
but the emptiness
still lingers
i miss the touch
of your fingers
but yours do not
miss the touch of me.

Rolled up in a fluffy white blanket
recalling the day you bought it.
just imaging your smooth skin
wrapped around me.
my dreams filled with thoughts
and mostly those of you,
because my love for you
reaches from life to my dreams.
a feeling on safety and protection
from this blanket you bought me
just because you got it for me,
without it i would tremor
with fears from those who haunt me.
but right now in this moment
i can forget those fears.
i can pretend you are here
even if it’s forbidden
because i love you dearly
and you always appear
in my dreams.
Your smell lingers
in clothes you give me
to remind me of you.
so i will never forget
my love for you.

In this moment all i can think of
is the extent of infinite love
i have for you—
though these objects are not you
they sure do keep the memory of you
close to heart.

Bury me in the
Yellow Flowers
As my thoughts
drift away.

a shot of *****
home alone
cries at night
when you’re alone
stealing cigarettes
and burnt up matches
slim smiles
tired laughs
burning daydreams
mind of fire
long days
late hours
missing love
wanting more
maintaining youth
with society’s
corruption
sad ideas
and no love
not a call
from heaven
above
fearing nothing
scared of
everything
acting tough
needing love

it’s hard being a kid
when society pushes
you to grow up.

i don’t strive to be beautiful
but i find beauty in humor.

i’d rather charm you with my personality
instead of a face i paint on.

i’d rather see you smile because of me
than to flirt without boundaries.

i’m different and i want you
to love that about me.

i cling to those who hurt me most
and those who don’t care about me.

i’d let someone take all of my happiness
in exchange for a second of attention.

i went from smiles
to sadness
too fast.

i saw my glow
become dim
and disappear

but i was a stranger
to who i am
now.

9 months ago
and today -
i’m a different person.

though my smile
still turns sad
i’m better than i was.

once you stop
waiting for love
and searching for a partner
they tend to show up
at the right moments

i want a little love
the kind you dream of when you’re a kid.
late night trips around town
with tired grins and sleepy eyes
full of adventure.
swinging on swings
when you’re both adults
without a care in the world.
weekend trips to the mountains
or to a lake we went to as kids.
i want a little love
that requires no effort
to love one another.
a guy who knows my intentions
and understands my complex self.
someone who remembers little things
i say and do.
i want a little love
that has flaws
so we can fix them together.
little arguments we can
laugh about later.
going to the movie theater
so we can sneak candy in
and laugh together.
i want someone who
knows how to love me
and cheer me up.
i want a little love
that doesn’t seem so little.
i want something that’ll last a lifetime.
i want memories to pass on.
i want to be that old couple
everyone aspires to be.
maybe this little love,
isn’t that little after all.

let me touch your mind
with my words
i want to twirl them
around my pinky finger
and give them to you
i want to inspire
your actions
through beautifully
thoughtout speech.
i want to sprinkle
each letter
with a sliver of my heart
just so you’ll know
i mean them.
i want my words
to reach into the depths
of your soul
and touch each part of it
in a different way.
i want to give you
all my happy words
in exchange for
any sad words
you possess.

i’m hurting myself, without realizing it...
again.

the love i possess
feels like it will never change,
do you love me too?

take a deep breath—
relax.
watch as the hills curve
as you’re riding in a car,
watch the waves
pull the sand back in.
watch as the snow
falls softly.
feel how amazing
the wind is in your hair.
take a deep breath,
you’re almost there.

they couldn’t see past my smiles.
my hurt was invisible to them.
they didn’t see the blood drip on the tiles.
my wrists burning from the blades.

they saw a happy face,
but didn’t know my pain.
I would find myself pace,
with a gun rested on my lips.

they never heard my cries
or how i would scream for help
i was ready to die,
but you never noticed.

they were oblivious to my troubles
so i’m more dependent on myself.
even if the signs weren’t subtle,
i’ve moved on from my struggles.

you know what really hurts?
being in so much pain that you forget
what hurt feels like.
it’s like being on fire,
but you’re immortal.
you’re stuck with the pain,
but it all feels the same.
you’re stuck on an elevator
that is always falling
but never goes anywhere.
hurting is necessary for growth
but sometimes i question
why i have to go through it.
what did i do to deserve
this awful feeling?
what did i do to make this
my state of mind?
why am i in so much pain?

i have these blue curtains.
these blue curtains have changed me.
before, they were gray,
i always felt tired in their presence,
and my moods were worse.
now my curtains are blue, but not just
any blue,
they’re turquoise.
they change the color of my room
from white to blue.
they soothe my thoughts
and hold me close,
when no one else could.
these blue curtains have seen, well—
everything.
they’ve seen me cry,
they’ve seen my innocence taken,
they’ve seen me laugh,
they’ve seen my life,
but most importantly,
they still mean everything to me.

standing in a crowded room
while dancing in slow motion.
you run your hands down my dress,
adrenaline rushing faster
and words whispered in our ears.
forget the disasters wandering near.
you reak of cologne, but it’s all too familiar.
you grab my waist and pull me closer
reminding me of last year.
we were torn apart
but now we’re together.
I won’t let you loose
because i don’t want to lose you again.

i’m grasping you by the hand—
afraid to let go.
i don’t want you to leave.
stay with me and hold me close.
let me explore the dreams inside your mind.
let me touch your fingertips
and look at your scars.
you have a past
with memories,
let me find out what i don’t know.
my hands are shivering
until you hold them.
my arms shake and my body aches
until you’re wrapped around me.
my loneliness arrives
until you come around.
through all my pain,
just a touch of your fingertips
makes it all go away.
oh yes, a love this deep and passionate
may be destroyed—
but i’m doing all i can
to keep this boy.

I have a desire to burn things.
I want to feel the heat of the flames
destroy what’s around me—
no i’m not psychotic.
I want to feel the burn against my skin.
The sizzle of wood in a fire,
ignites my passion to forget my feelings.
The red and orange flames fuel
my anger and hatred.
I want to see the burn
and feel the pain within.
The burning makes me feel like i’m dying,
but dying is the only time i feel alive.
The flames hurt me,
but take away the pain i’ve been feeling.
I’ll let the fire burn me,
until there is no longer pain.
Let. Me. Feel. Something.

I am Alive.

Even when the world turns.
Even when my heart breaks.
Even when i’ve had enough.

I am Alive.

God help me on the days I just don’t want to be.
why do I feel like things would be better?
Show me why this world means something.

I am Alive.

But I forget what i’m grateful for.
Losing people to death, is normal to me.
Why do I feel this way?

Even Though I am Alive.