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jennee Dec 2015
maybe i'm missing out on something
but i can't seem to associate myself with these characters
who have fallen in and out of love
i feel like an unwritten persona who's buried underneath
all of these repetitive girls shown on screen
i read books to search for truth and meaning
maybe something a little more realistic
but i find myself speaking such words like
"who am i really?"
i try to search for that one person
to prove if there are things as meant to be's
but it feels as if i'm looking at the wrong directions
or maybe i haven't even started searching to begin with
so here's to everyone who's ever felt lonely
and can't put themselves in their shoes
here's to unrelatable first kisses
and missed opportunities,
secluded activities and muttered words
you and i are worth more than wasted virginities,
frustrating in betweens and cluttered beings
we are made separately for reasons
that make us question our existence
our worth surpasses those of fairy tales
and unrealistic love stories
we are definitions of life itself
we are our own characters
who seek for unconventional journeys
and unscripted settings
maybe we won't fall in love today or tomorrow
or the weeks to come
maybe we will stop to consider that what we have
is not equivalent to heartfelt experiences
maybe we look for something more profound and complex
a cathartic release worth feeling
maybe we are lost at the thought of love
and can't seem to find our way back into it
what i know for sure is that
i am not that girl you will hear from books
i am nothing like them nor the movies
that everyone's gullible enough to believe in
and so are you
we are what's unique and true
and no one can force us to fall in love
no one can tell us when or where
because they will never have the privilege,
to compile and secure mediocre scenes
we will eventually fall into place with our own stories
but i guess for now we're just missing out

n.j.
jennee Dec 2015
she looks at his eyes while he stares at her thighs
and he's wondering if she's going to sleep with him tonight
the dress that hangs by her dainty physique is meant to impress
but all he pictures is what's underneath
their hearts beat giving values to their chests
of treasured boxes kept locked away from all of the rest
she wishes for solace and an assurance to not be pressed
he wishes to gain her trust and to take over, hoping for a nightly event of passionate ***
he lures her into a loophole of false intent
she smiles at his slipping mask but continues to reciprocate
they exchange words over drunk breaths
but she is too intoxicated so she forgets
her tenuous wrists are taken into his
she tries to refuse but eventually gives in
to forceful attainment and prohibited entry
she wonders if her racing heart will be heard through her thin exterior
she wonders if there are other words for "help"
and why men always have to be the superior
her fingers are helpless along with tight shut eyes
clothing sliding from svelte body parts, past unconscious skin
she senses heavy breathing, not hers, to keep herself wondering
unaware and completely susceptible
she falls asleep, passing out with her body against his

the sun will kiss her tender cheeks
with the absence of coffee drinks
she will be awake and lying next to nothing but empty sheets
she will remember looking into his eyes
hoping that he was the one to keep her safe from reoccurring lies
but he was nothing but a crooked thief
who robbed her of her entirety

n.j.
a poem that i made about 2 months ago
jennee Nov 2015
Listening to songs that remind me of winter
Chilling guitars and ice cold skin
I taste bliss on chapped lips
Tiny hairs on my arms that go unnoticed stand on end
The heat is rising here, it feels like summer yet Christmas is fast approaching
I miss my childhood of hazy mornings, heavy eyelids appreciating windows pressed with mist
Layers of clothing that will never satisfy the warmth of my skin
I miss the innocence that I once held
Handprints on glass spaces facing city lights every day and night
Craving for warm bodies wrapped around thick blankets, awaiting the first sunrise of Christmas Eve
My family's love and warmth never beyond reach
I miss the way my stomach filled, as I exchanged smiles and gifts across the dinner table
And I despise the way such songs remind me of the way I felt during those winters

I miss the little girl who didn't care if her smile made her teeth look big

I miss the little girl with clean skin and intentions

I miss my family that always stood by each other

I miss the 10 years that slipped away from my fingers

I miss winter and how the little things remind me of excited footsteps echoing and filling up walls of a household of four individuals

The foggy windows, chilly mornings, familiar lights, laughter and smiles stored enough to keep our bodies warm for the days to come

I miss the songs sung by our stereos, pervading the air with joyous breaths as we exchange bright possibilities and futures

I miss the Christmas that I've always known

n.j.
jennee Nov 2015
I don't think this cycle is meant to be broken
I seem to be running in circles, frequently going back into old habits like it's bound to happen
I detest each passing day with a passion because I should be living a life worth telling and I should be dreaming dreams that I will make into a reality
But I keep cutting my words short, filling my lungs with smoke and body with scars too prominent to show
I have nothing to look forward to, my days feel numbered and I'm not responding well to the help I'm offered
I'm burying my voice along with the others, I'm not afraid of them anymore

I will let them devour me alive, watch them tower over me until I am nothing, until I am no more

n.j.
The voices won't stop
jennee Nov 2015
I don't know what makes me so insecure
I don't understand why I'm so drawn to obscurity
I ask too many questions behind a closed mouth
I am prone to failure and imperfection
My thoughts are orderly aligned and filled with doubt

I write but fail yet my goal is to silence the voices that won't stop speaking
I express in quietness but the messages I bear are too deafening to hear
I am that girl by the corner, fiddling her fingers
Covering her ears with music and pulling down the sleeves to mask unacceptable scars
I am the girl you won't notice when you walk through that door

I am too shy and lonely for such an early age
I keep myself up all night with conversations and words I wish I had said, yet
I am preoccupied with hours of sleep to forget the anxiety I built
I crave for death yet every ounce of my body is telling me to live
I am a mess I can't fix, I search for answers yet I am too blind to see solutions that are laid in front of me

n.j.
jennee Nov 2015
I have lost my words
Which I turn to for repose and release
They have disappeared and transformed
Into slurred speeches and mismatched colors
My fingers, they search for comfort
Lacing each other in confusion

I cannot find the words I am looking for
My thoughts have remained quiet for too long
What I thought was a spectrum I could rely on
Is as bland and dull as the skin I have worn

My eyes are a perception of lies
Only visualizing in black and white
My mouth a conception of verbal conundrum
Confusing and replacing words
Once so facilely found

I am born into a world
I'm not even sure I can call my own
I do not know where I am from
I cannot find the words I wish for anymore

n.j.



https://perennialink.wordpress.com/2015/11/06/unpoetic/
jennee Oct 2015
Drain me out

I am a flightless bird soaked in deep water
Hindered by the heaviness of my feathers
Constantly weighing down my flock
I am not my own burden
But a bag of rocks thrown into the ocean
A corpse to never be found
When meant to catch the eyes of the innocent
My body refuses to stay afloat
My mind is living under
And I have no choice but to hit rock bottom

So hear me out

Carry my withering bones and feathers
When my body decides to give out
I cannot keep living under water
I am not meant for this environment
My skin is meant to feed the clouds of freedom
Tracing linear passages and unsteady travels,
With my own people
We are meant to soar into oblivion
Of building dreams and vision
But my mind keeps living under
And I cannot escape what has harvested inside
I have no choice but to hit rock bottom

n.j.
https://perennialink.wordpress.com/2015/10/22/flightless-2/
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