i am so young

i am
 seventeen

again and again

playing that same anthem

again and again

where have the years gone?

i used to be free

from the truths of freedom

from reality

i scold myself

more than my father

disappoint myself

just like my mother

drown myself

without any grace

and wash up on the coast

without my face

I'm a summer day
Sweltering on the edge of May
Oh, I wish I didn't throw my fists
In spite
Of all your songs
They flow so effortlessly through
Something like a laundromat at midnight
Have you ever heard a humdrum sound so
Pure?
Like the waves or the wind or the trees
I've never heard you sing so true
And you've never even heard me sing a tune

what's your favorite noble gas?

i would've replied with xenon
i thought, two years ago

but we've moved on to greater questions
and deeper answers

larger currents
and grander sandcastles

you told me you loved me in so many words
in what way,
im not exactly sure

but i love you
in every possible timeline
in every possible way

we could be reborn as brother and sister
and i would be unchanged

but god am i lucky to be here
right place wrong time

but you'll kiss me when the feelings right
and someday ill sleep through the night

sorry I lied when I said all I want to do is sleep

I haven’t slept in weeks

That’s a lie too of course

I put in an hour or two inbetween

Lying on the floor or in the tub

I hate the cold

But I didn’t used to

And that isn’t romantic

But things do change

Like the way the stars align and how I perceive death

And how I haven’t met my match

The late night is a song with synths

And the moon sings dream pop songs

About love and rest and the gaping holes planted in the sea

What does that even mean?

When it’s 3am you’re in tune with everything

Pick up the phone
I've heard that dial tone
Over and over
Ringing in my skull
Like your wedding ring
Clinking down the drain
Where were we?
Yes, listen to me
I am so lonely that my bones are aching
There's this weight inside my chest
Yet I'm so hallowed out
This is all I've felt
In months
Do you care?
Where are you now?
I'll tell you all about this
When we meet
In the back of a car
On the side of the street
Waiting to cross
Don't turn and go the other way
Please
I need you know
Where are you now?
The puzzle piece left
Yet I still can't put it down

lower me down
slowly
like ice breaking off a cliff
in the frozen sea
and see it crack
just like me

let me down
gently
like a piano tied with wire and string
so tightly
sliding right through
busted seams
just like me

lay me to rest
soundly
weep like you're forgiven
let me rot in the summer air
bittersweet
let dirt dance on my tongue
and my eyes fill heavily

and forget the bad dreams
and better yet,
reality

decorate the curtains
hung above your head
shade over the shades
you're miserable
that's life

cry me a river
i'm afraid to swim in
the currents are current
and pop culture's a fade in
into a movie you never thought you'd like

simplicity's a guilty pleasure
and so is the truth
woven with extremities
and kisses and flight

tell me you love me
say it ain't so
we spoke of this album so long ago
probably don't remember

but you'd still feel at home

It's a blurred line between
Saturday and Sunday
I want to lie in the street
Or down a bottle of wine
The sun sets on the falling leaves
And I sat in the corner
Watching beyond Me
I wish I knew myself
The way I want you to
I wish I wrote love songs
The way I used
I am so bitter now
I've lived 100 years
I loved none more
Than the rest of us did
(Too many or not at all)
Everyone around me is walking in circles
And I'm trapped in an ellipse
Manic to panic to slow to stop
I used to want a quant life
Cherry red door and Pickett fence
Now I'm so restless
I swim without a backbone
I sleep on sticks and stone

i screamed into the void
shouted all my secrets
but
I whispered your name
softly, sweetly, gently, neatly
with a tear down my face
i saw yours in a dream
close to me, breathing
sleeping, soundly
i thought i let go
but your names etched into a boomerang
that'll slice me in the throat
when it comes back
I'm drowning
in all ill never know

I want a cigarette
I'm panicking again
I love you I do
I promise you
I forgot how to put it into words
I want another cigarette
But I fear for my lungs
So I blow out rings
That'll never fit me
I let the filter sit in the spaces
Saturn will never reach
I love you I do
I promise you
Remember when I drank it slow
You cried but wouldn't let me listen
You cried wolf but I couldn't bring the guns in
You were eaten alive
And even I forgot if we truly tried
I remember the night
Every night
I haven't slept since May
I stay awake dreaming of the vices at bay
It's colder draped in roses
A robe fastened with snakes
It's colder underneath linens
Cotton, worn and dried
I want another cigarette
I want to remember being young
Death is the only true pleasure
Knowing life has won
Won a game, won me over,
Finding every single one
I kiss my friends and lovers the same way
But darkness finds his niche
In the light of day
I'll call you when it's over
A promise I made when we met
Not too soon, I promise again
And I mean every single spark
I love you
I do
I've never lied in spite of you
What does it mean
Please please tell me
I'm afraid of smoking another one

i haven’t worn your sweatshirt

in 6 months

it’s found it’s home

tucked inside my drawer 
but
im without a home;

finding somewhere warm

and one day ill take it out

slip my arms through the holes

head out the top and
think about 
somewhere long ago

and i don’t even know

where we began

so i slip it all the way on

when im ready to begin again

Having no one to love
Makes the heart so lonely
The loss of the pitter-patter
Heartbeat
And butterflies

The Cold War came
And wiped us off the map
Who would've thought
I'd die of a heart attack
When I had no heart at all?
Not really anyway
It was all mind over matter
And I dreamt of you

So what's it going to be?
Doors double locked
And knobby knees
Shaking like I used to
When I played you a song

I never called you by your name
It was never my tongue's to hold
But it was inside this empty heart
This busted bag of bones

i want to believe i exist

beyond these four walls

the ceiling extends so high

there may not be one at all

and there’s a roundness to the edges

a shape to the corners 

and a light seeping through
all the cracks in its borders

and im drowning in a kiddy pool

i cannot keep afloat 

but i ran and i ran and i ran

to get off the boat

somewhere off the coast
of a place ive never been

and im too quick to call it home

for fear ill never begin



so ill scrub the windows of my new home

like there’s secrets beneath the glass

as if every circle adds a ring to the tree

as if everything’s built to last

semi automatic dreamscape
picture it
boundless emptiness
like an ocean of thought
swimming from sharks made of wrought iron and slate
frightening and you haven't even gotten through
those towering gates
lower me down
to the sewers
where I rest in waste
swimming in a sea
Of blanketed unease
but don't call me a monster
im barely a beast
crawling out your drain
and into sweet dreams
looking for beauty to trade me peace

im so weak in the knees
i want to drop to the floor
and pray
for forgiveness?
for redemption?
for a subtle nudge in the right direction?
i don't deserve the good but
maybe i don't deserve worst
just something right between holy
and just desserts

somedays i feel like im floating

higher  and higher

and one day i might just

burst

when i hit atmosphere

and maybe then I’d be at peace

but i get the eerie feeling 

ill never stop 

going
nand going and going and

going

i haven’t slept at all this week

and every rest is restless

i told myself this year would be better
but I can’t change the weather

so i turn to the little things

to keep me alive:

the people who light up my life

walks in the cold and the rain

a new collection of lighters

and the art in fresh stains

and as you get older

you realize that’s life

nothing short of misery
but sprinkled with beautiful things

it’s the little things i tell myself

and that’s just the truth

ill smoke one to see the sun

and wait for my days
to become undone

I don't know what I want anymore
God blessed me with sight
But I'm longing to see
Behind the curtains
They're made of red velvet
Deep like blood
Oozing from my pores
From my heart
If I cry
Will I wash the acid
Out of my eyes?
I'm so tainted by my own being
And it swallows me whole
A one-man human centipede
That's no longer
Human at all

ask my mother,
she'll tell you.

actually, no,
no she won't.
she good at pretending,

and I am too.

it's impossible to love me
longer than six seconds;

three days,
tops.

ask anyone ive ever met.

sticks and stones may break me, but
the silence swallows me whole.

and I love,
I do,

i love a boy like the moon loves the sun,
my father like sand loves the sea.

and now,
now im calling your bluff,
bridges burned, broken knees;

spilling oil ducts
into the brain, into the breeze.

im 95 lives
all aged to 102
gracing their graves with white roses
i wish i felt such purity
buried beneath me
yet  you can only be ****** of so many things
captioned in some other language
i still can't read

i thought i was 43
one night
after a bad dream
clinging to the regret
without any doubt
i saw it once in a movie
but you couldn't make it out

remember when i was small?
first grade; climbing trees
in my best friends backyard?
at 80 i won't remember her name
and im brimming sorrow
that a bleaker tomorrow
awaits me
like gates stretched way beyond me
with a sign too far to read

we met in a place outside the norm

and i pretended it was so much more

and maybe it was

underneath our skin

both hoping to reveal the surface

of something we can only dig up

like a time capsule

but i don’t want it to be like that

i want you to smile at me like you do

but in the middle of the night

i want to touch more than knees

and feet and jerks of hand

but ******* we’re stuck

and i don’t know where

some days im content 
with subtly and facility

our sideways gaze and the promise of mondays

but i see your face in my dreams

and id rather have you next to me

you sing like an angel

and speak like a dove

and im crazy to write you love songs

but if i could wish for anything

id ask for you to play me symphonies

I write sad songs
About missing your hands in mine
And your breath on my neck
But I've never known it
I've known no one at all

And everyday I'm a butterfly
Busting from a cocoon
And by dawn those wings
They've fallen from me
And I'm no one at all

I sat in my room alone
Longing, fawning
Over superheroes and singer-songwriter types
Cause I love what I hate the most
The little parts of me and what I'll never be

I wrote a letter to a friend, to a lover, to a foe
Licked the seal, kissed its flap,
And sent it on its way
One returned, hollowed through,
And there's two out there I'll never be

I wore your coat
Out in the summer sun
And I ran until the sweat begun
To drip
Drip down my waist
And to my toes
Seeping into parts of me
That're starting to get old
Look at you
So young and full of life
Like moonbeams dancing
In the dead of night
Look at me
So bitter and so tasteless
In spite of
All the flowers
I thought I would grow
Time's running out
And dinner's getting cold

you're so agile
so gentle
so i wish i could kiss
your crooked smile
and stay awhile
where the walls
are sheer canopies,
hung above beds,
that turn to moth's wings
and dissolve altogether
and what's more intimate
than a twin bed for two?
sometimes i wish i could fade away
instead of wanting you

i remember a summers day
kissed by dusk till dawn
you stood in the shadows
and danced like moonlight
and it seemed so surreal
vanishing like thin air
i was so scared to say your name
into the very smoke
you bled into

autumn leaves calling like thieves
and i fell so deep into something
i couldn't break into
you stuck like glue to the nights
and i felt I wasn't alone
making mix CDs and coffee runs
breathing fast into my lungs
or so i imagined

spring after next I sprung into
heartbreak
never really thought a heart could break in two
but it did in threes
in infinity
all sprinkled on the floor
colored like a symphony
ringing out your name
signed under an art piece
"dedicated to you"

summer has found me again
so dark against the sun
so cold under my feet
im melting
i wouldn't change history if i could
ive never been so at home
but im feeling restless in the sun
and im a nomad on the run
if you really don't love me too

Fighter jets fly
Shoot me down cold
It was winter in my chest
With fire in my throat
Running on *******
I never thought you'd catch me
So open, so bold
No, no
They're out of control
Crashing, spiraling
Twisting down
And all they say,
"You should've known"

check the clock;
give me the time of day.
i made a wish everytime i saw the     number two
but what's the point in pairs
if you haven't got time to choose?

dinner's getting cold;
ice is melting on the floor.
ive got a funny hat
for my balancing act
and I pretend it's a matter-of-fact

i am a renaissance woman
i am of a golden age
with satire and lust dripping from every page
bind me tight to stand up straight
wind me up im going,

going

gone

delicately trace the outline of my body
every night in your dreams
wishing you were next to me
and leave me unraveling
is it for sure?
nothing is exactly
so i back up backbone
and head for the freak show
can you flag me down
somewhere near flagstaff, arizona
call me, say
"i miss you
you've got a home here"
i wish I could run to you but
the waters are murky
and my mind isn't clear

light seeps into your room
blinding
winding up your curtains
ever so slighty
to peak through
now look at you shining
standing there
with an air of dignity
what's it like to bloom?

how do I tell you i love you?
complete my sentances
hop on a train to somewhere
far away
look to the sky
see my curves in the clouds
the wind blowing my hair
when you smell the mountain air
call me when you get back
let me know
how ive changed
from so long ago

i didn't know you at seventeen
but I wasn't so squeaky clean
anymore
tell me you adore me
tell me how you've never wanted anything
more
don't make this a scene
we're not funny this way
i just want to a be a person
i just you want to stay

i want to call you and tell you everything’s that’s wrong

and maybe I would if i a little more to drink

but im scared you could finally call me crazy

if i did

but there’s this drumming in my head like the drumming in my heart

and id give so much for it to stop

but absolutely anything for you to say

i love you

it’ll be okay

but now i don’t know about anything anymore

i wish i was someone’s favorite person

cause i feel so alone

i wish i was your favorite person

and if i were to tell you that

would you even know

that under my heart is scribbled your name

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

because you are the sun to my sea

warming the placing only i can see

calling out to the things you don’t yet know

creeping into places still cold

i haven't dreamt since mid-June
when my eyes were ripe
and in full bloom
flourishing
everlasting;
lucidly distant
so it seems now
like yesterday was something
you could keep in a jar
i kept my door ajar at night
wanting to feeling the light of the moon
knowing that spiders could creep in too
and everything blossoming
wilted too soon

hello again
you're an old friend, aren't you?
one i never got to tell "i love you"
one who'd never say "i love you too"
but life's a funny thing
and you've come back to me
in a way
but you're not the same
and neither am i
when we slept in a room of
right place, wrong tine
i said i'd call when the feelings right
i gave it some time, i gave it some time
we're gearing up for the big time
i'll see you tomorrow night

explosions in the sky
fireworks booming
between my eyes
id rather watch myself die
than kiss you goodbye
darling
i want to watch you sleep
next to me
wake up in the morning
between your sheets
ive pictured it enough
as if i lived it
so if i don't
will I miss it?
and I miss you
telling me im genius
do you mean it?
i know you do but
i wish you'd breathe it into me
as you kiss me
to sleep

where's your ***** mind?
i need it
more than you'd think
you took it and ran
slowly slowly i could've
chased after
you
now we're leaving each other
all this time to die
do you remember the days and night
and the days and the nights
never ending
till we ended it
you're on a different phase of the moon
now
but I hope you come back
to whatever this is
(not was)
an eclipse
or blue moon
oh,
we've got all this time to die
and I don't want to die
without you

i wish my life wasn't a constant need
to smash my head against the wall
and pour my innards on the floor
i feel like sleeping
i feel like im always sleeping
i wake up more tired than yesterday
and im afraid when called my own name
i wish i knew the answers
to all the question asked
from or to
me
i want to lie naked in a field
of the greenest grass
next to somebody who wants to blend into the earth
with me
i want to never be lonely
i want to never cry
again
i want to breathe in the air
of someone who cares
the same way as me
wouldn't that be lovely?

we wrote so much history
in a year and a half
and i figured out our mysteries
were simple math
that time would tell
if we just multiplied by
all that could last
but these things are tricky
and i took it for granted
and im afraid you'll forget me
forgotten me
because you can't miss what you forget
i thought i played you that track
maybe you didn't listen
but every time i feared you wouldn't give me an answer
you rewrote the question
so maybe we're better than this
maybe you'll keep your promises
maybe ill get my wishes

we fall like ashes

from the sky

light and airy and dry

i fall like feathers

free from wings

and i couldn’t tell you why

cause my heart is heavy

and good things always die

but i see you on the other side

a dimly glowing light

and im a child

chasing fireflies

till the very dead of night

butterflies fluttering
everytime i think of
the last time
we met
lets meet again
soon
im thinking of the first time
eyes wide and unknowing
i knew it
did you?
i mwishing waiting wanting more
first times
and some last times too
the last time you saw me like this
i was scared
but not so much
now
now im past that
onto a new level of fear
to conquer on my own
i don't need a thing
but all i want is
you