sixteen,
one six,
that's how old you were when you left us.
you didn't get to walk the stage with us,
or propose to your high school sweetheart.
you were sixteen.

in just a small period of time,
you became my muse.
the type of muse that rips the bandaid off of your heart to finally write something,
to write anything.
the type of muse that makes everything hurt when you're alone and when it's just you, your thoughts, and your past.

mom,
it feels like my head is someone else.
constantly reminding me of every single thing.
like it's constantly running.
it's hard to speak how i feel,
words just won't come out and i end up speaking in key terms.
there are some days where i can feel the  chemical imbalance in  my brain.
nothing seems to make sense and no matter how hard i pay attention in class,
i can't retain information.
i feel like there's something wrong with me.
nothing feels right,
mom.

i sat in the car
writing and rewriting my end.
"god, why do you have to be so sad?"
i closed my eyes in attempt to drown everything out,
to attempt to drown myself out.
i want to be new again.
i want to unexperience everything i've seen
for it has only scared me and thrown out the memories that would save my life.
on my knees,
i'm begging please,
if someone is up there please make me feel like i'm not just talking to my ceiling every night.
i've prayed and prayed but please if i'm not meant to be here,
please give me a sign.
i've been waiting and waiting for something,
anything.
and if this is all a punishment for me,
please tell me because i can't do this anymore.
i've tried everything and got everything taken away from me.
i've been beat and thrown around to the point where i feel like i've been put here as a breathing, living punching bag.
i feel like i'm only here for the benefit of other people.
i've been screaming in the dark and touching every corner to find the hope that been taken away from me.

if i'm not meant to be here,
please tell me

i'm trying.

i think holding it all in, compressing it with everything in me,
hoping one day that if i press hard enough, it'll just
disappear.
and i'm here,
as anxious as i come,
hoping for the best like i always do.

i'm trying my best.

i was drifting away again.
time seemed to fly over my head and i was left with a reflection looking back at me.
the weight of the world fell on my shoulders again.
the pain that grew in my heart was unbearable again.
again, and again, and again, and again.
i kept feeling like this,
one way or another.
i'm drifting away again,
this time hopefully forever.
i held my hands close to my chest,
not interest in holding onto earth anymore.

but then everything was silent,
everything was still.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over and over again.
your hand touched mine, bringing me back.
our hearts synched and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind me of what it is to be alive,
to truly be alive.

i remember standing in front of my bedroom window when i had my first anxiety attack.
my first boyfriend expressed anger towards me and it triggered something in me.
the yelling he had towards me reminded me of my parents.
with my parents, i never got anxiety attacks.
i would just be scared.
but then this happened,
i had to step away.
it was the summer time so i always kept my window open for the air to come in.
so i stepped away and found myself in front of my window.
i heard my heartbeat through my ears and felt its thumping shake my body.
the lump in my throat made it difficult to breathe and i remember thinking that i was going to die in that moment.
i closed my eyes and felt the cold summer wind hit my face.
it was the first time something felt like a hug that wasn't a pair of arms.

you're like a star that lost their way and ended up here on earth,
with us,
with me.
your eyes,
oh god your eyes are more beautiful than any falling star,
they'd still be more beautiful even if it was raining crystals.
every time i see you all i can see are crisp autumn leaves,
the feeling of sunshine on my face,
everything good in the world.
when i look at you i start to understand what it means to be in complete awe of someone,
i'm starting to understand what love is because of you.

why should i be here?

it feels like a question that's been planted inside my head for years and years. i ask myself this question during my darkest hours.

but it becomes clear to me when i see you. you, a light, a light that never fails to make me want to stay. looking at you, that answer disappears. not answered, but disappears.

but you aren't there all the time. i end my days alone and once again, that same neon light lights up my room, keeping me from sleeping, keeping me from even imaging you.

i sit facing that sign, tilting my head as if it'll give me answers if i stand differently. it doesn't.

in my darkest hours, i cry. the plans i had for the future: the apple farm, the cafe, the bakery, the dogs and cats, everything, it all seemed pointless and far away.

but eventually, with a flicker, the sign goes dark and, once again, i'm given a break from everything, from myself. eventually, i'll be okay again. eventually, i'll remember that the reasons i'm here are to love...

and of course, making sure i have the apple farm, cafe, bakery, and dogs and cats.

it was in that moment,
i see two forms of light and loving smiling at me.
walking over to them
i felt their warmth wrap around me,
i never wanted to let go.
it was in that moment i knew i never wanted to leave the soil.
they wanted me here,
i wanted to be here.

the rainy day today reminds me of elementary school.
early elementary school where the teacher would read us books about butterflies or trolls guarding a bridge.
this rainy day reminds me of my mother picking me up from school,
resting my head against the window and feel the rain patter on it.
days where i'd have no homework and the best thing to eat on rainy days like these is stew.
the kind where there's carrots and chicken in it.
beautiful.

last night, i asked god to forgive me,
i asked every god and the universe to forgive me for what i was planning to do.
my face hot from holding in sobs,
i held my hands together,
i brought my forehead down to them
and on my knees,
i asked for forgiveness.

you will not be my muse.
i won't let the hurt you've inflicted on me to be the base and formation of what i write
for i am done with writing about people who have pained me.

you will not be my muse.

me.
one that cleans to the point where the endless chemicals and dish scrubbing makes my fingers peel and look like raisins.

me.
who feels the overwhelming happiness seeing my friends smile and laugh.

me.
who stays up until my alarms go off both panicking and studying.

me.
who can't feel a thing most of the time.

me.
a boy who doesn't understand how this whole living thing works and wants to desperately, oh so desperately, know what's on the other side.

me.
who will be okay.
cause i always am.

i've been thinking a lot about memories, spirituality, and how i can never see myself in five years let alone one. i don't know what to make out of these three things that seem to circle around my mind like vultures.

memories:
there are some i wish to forget. those memories make me sad and they make me feel small again, i wish to get rid of these maybe replace them with really really happy ones. but these memories are sometimes my muse and kick to writing what some people would call beautiful. it's hard writing about good things or good times and i don't know why.

spirituality:
i've realized over and over again that i have lost myself, you can say. i've tried time and time again reaching this part of myself and i have multiple times but i've also let go. whether it be because i was busy or i just couldn't feel what they said they felt. i want to connect with this part of me again and hold tightly to it.

how i can never see myself in [blank] years:
i went through a rough time at a very young age. it started in third grade, that's when it got bad but it can date back to first. through the years, things got harder and i understood less of myself. i wanted to end my life in sixth grade, that's the first time i felt that way. i didn't, obviously, but that thought has been woven into my mind. i didn't think i would make it this far. i planned my days until, what i thought would be my departure. but i'm still here and i'm lost. again, i didn't think i would make it this far.

these three things are what worry me the most. writing about them is like the tangy smell of orange peels.

there are scars and wounds that never heal from when you beat your fists into me.
the scars all over my body,
my "hiding" places that only pulled the curtain when i knew i was alone.
my hand shook as the blade fell from it.
my mind filled up with every thought possible.
how i never change,
how i will always be as broken as i was the first time i let myself fall.

maybe i'll never understand the darkness behind my eyes
or the reason the universe gave you the life it did.
but maybe that's okay,
i'm learning that it's okay.
it's okay to never fully understand.

i'll never understand the divorce,
the heart break,
the hurt,
the pain,
the way you cried in my arms that one time,
or the way i cried in yours.

but it's okay.

i sat there as my world spun.
all i could do was breathe and somehow
the universe was telling me that was Enough.

i just wanted to be in your arms again.
no matter how bruised they made me and broke my heart,
i would do it over and over again,
for you.
and i hate myself for it.

in my dreams, you come in forms of light.
if i'm lucky,
i'll see your face again.
i want to cup your face in my hands again.
even it is in my dreams.
please
never stop visiting me in my dreams.

the way you make my heart race is incomparable.
i swear you can hear the beat of it over the phone.
you held me so close,
closer than anyone ever has.
we confessed to each other multiple times.
telling each other that we miss each other even when we haven't met yet,
if we ever do.
how do you miss someone you've never met?
i don't know how, but i do.
i fell in love with you and i'm happy you said it first because the butterflies in my stomach became so greatly, i could barely look at you.

but i don't think it's real.
we so far away from each other.
i'm no one.
you're everything.

i've always wanted to. like ever since i was young. i've loved writing and writing about what i've been through, my opinions on things, my morals, just everything. i've even written short fiction stories, which i have deleted but i still did that. as i've grown and gotten older, i've found a love and passion for writing.

so yes, i want to write a book. i understand that i'm still young but i'm not letting that stop me. it's something i truly want to do. and i've (in my opinion) improved in my poetry compared to when i first started. and idk, it's been a long time since i've had my mind set on something 100% so this feels nice.

maybe i could even pursue in writing/poetry? please, if you want, give me feedback on poetry/writings i've put out so far on here.

thank you for reading my words. i know i only have a few people reading them but i'm very grateful, thank you.

i looked up at you from rock bottom,
a place where i've called home more times than i can count.
i see everyone hugged each other,
where are my hugs?
the harder i tried to be present the deeper this well got.

i'd go the longest without talking.
the silence ran through my veins,
replacing the blood streaming through them with sadness and the feeling of being empty.
open mouthed,
i forgot how to talk again.
at random times my eyes would get teary again.
who wants me here anyways?

you filled my notebooks with poems about your eyes
and how my stomach felt when i was around you.
the past was the past yet it still lingered and had the same effect on me as if it was still happening.

i threw away 22 pages of writing because it didn't matter.
the things i've seen and lived through,
it doesn't matter.
i mean,
it does,
but i'm here now.
when it did it get so hard to write about now?

tell me about the smile of the one you love the most,
how everything seems to slow down and the only thing you can focus on is how their eyes almost disappear from their wide grin.
how their "happy face" is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
tell me about your childhood birthday parties,
how your family would come over and there's something about childhood birthday parties that make reality seem altered.
how the cake your mother set in front of you makes you sigh with content and with ease.
how they all sing happy birthday and you shift in your seat with a smile on your face,
perfect.
tell me about the first hand you felt.
how soft it was and how it perfectly fit yours,
like two puzzle pieces coming together.
oh how your stomach has a field full of butterflies in it when you grip that hand,
how warm and Right it feels.
and no matter how sweaty yours or their hand gets,
you don't let go.
tell me about the dark times.
when you couldn't seem to get out of bed
or the devastation you felt when your parents split.
how heavy your mind and heart felt,
how you wanted to cry out of nowhere because everything
just
hurt.
tell me about the day you saw light within yourself.
how you wanted to cry because you made it.
it's something to be proud of.
how you could breathe and feel light.

for the longest time, i believed i wasn't meant to be here. living without a reason, walking through these streets with feet that dragged like chains were attached to them.

things now are different. the sky may not always be clear but it'll always be there and i find comfort in that.

it's love. what's always brought me back was love. i was meant to love and to be loved. i am here to love immensely and although that's a simple meaning to my life, it's more than enough for me.

i have to love myself. i really do. and i'm learning, i'm getting better at everyday. and i'm so proud of myself. without the people in my life, without their love, i would have never made it this far.

there are times where i regret that i stayed for this long but there's starting to be more moment that even on my dark days, i still find peace and beauty in the world and in myself that makes me want to stay.

i don't have a dream in life. from a young age, i didn't know i'd make it this far. i thought i'd die at a very young age but i'm here. i don't have a dream and it's still a scary thing for me. i'm learning to not be afraid. it's okay to not have a dream. i'm going to be okay, i'll be okay.

i couldn't see myself standing on the edge anymore.
i lectured myself before thinking those kinds of thoughts again.
that's not who i am,
and even if it's how i am sometimes,
the happy me is the Real me.
i closed my eyes in your embrace,
this was enough to keep me grounded.
i don't see myself on the edge anymore.

i looked at you and felt close to nothing.
i felt my soul leave my body and my mind turned off,
i disconnected from reality
and this was the first time i thanked my mind for this coping mechanism.

i didn't want to be living this life.
it took a complete turn and i didn't want to stand here,
looking at your life fall apart too.

the feeling in my hands left and i could feel my nose run.
i've never felt more here and more grounded and hated it.
i looked up to the grey sky and wondered why.

why did my life fall apart right when i thought it was going to be okay?

what do you mean that the universe is still growing?
what do you mean that we're just a small speck on this great universe where,
in the end,
don't know if we're real or not?
you feel real,
i feel real,
our love feels real,
but is it?
nights and classes wasted reading story upon story of those who kissed death.
what do you mean you don't think anything happens in the afterlife?
when i leave, will you look at butterflies and think of me?
for i too want to be remembered.
will you remember me?

"i know you feel uneasy about the future but i'll be right by your side."
this,
this sentence in your handwriting meant the world to me.
looking ahead of me,
it doesn't seem dark anymore.
i've learned to not value my self worth based on my grades.
this is a huge thing for me.
do you know how many nights i've spent crying because of school?
i guess it happens to everyone but i almost left the world because my grades didn't match my needs or the teachers treated me like ****.
i'm learning to push those thoughts in the trash whenever they surface,
not to the back of my mind,
in the trash.
things are Very slowly,
but surely,
going to be okay.

the tears i felt run down my cheeks didn't feel real anymore.
every time i talked to you it felt like that last and i'm sorry that all i do is say i love you
but i can't say it enough.
i want you to know that you were always the one,
you'll always be the one.

misinterpretations.
made something out of nothing.
of course he just wanted what was underneath my clothes,
i mean look at where we met.

but
you told me i was perfect,
you told me i was your favorite,
you told me i was the prettiest person you've ever seen,
you told me i was special,
you told me i made your heart full with love.

i told you to take care of my heart,
i told i've gifted it to you and you told me you'd take care of it.

you tossed it back and forth in your hands and you skipped around me,
i mistook it for something else.
i keep doing that.

but of course,
i was wrong.
let your beautiful voice and sweet compliments hug me and fill the air with pink smoke.
i was wrong,
again.

picked up the phone and heard my voice telling myself that it would be okay,
eventually.

i felt it more tonight than the past few nights.
it was raining today,
looking outside the bus window,
it felt like you were still here.
for a while,
i convince myself you're still here with me,
with us.
i close my eyes and i can hear your voice again.
closing my eyes,
i can see yours,
they hold galaxies and universes inside them.
i try to swallow the lump in my throat,
closing my eyes tighter,
you're not here.
i'll see you again when it's my time but it feels so far away.
i want to hold you again,
i want you to tell me i did well like you always would.

i just want to say that i'll be okay,
not only for your sake but also for mine.
for one day i'll wake up and my eyes will look the dark chocolate brown like when i was born,
untouched,
without scars.
for one day i promise you that i will go out with you,
outside and order my own food and eat with out counting the calories in my mind .
i'll be okay i promise.
this chemical imbalance or i'm a victim of circumstances,
but i promise you where i make it out alive or whether i get to That point,
i will die happy and at peace,
just like you wanted.
i just want you to know that i'll be okay.
i'll scare away my demons and all the dark clouds that hover over me and consume me,
i will let you love me without me second guessing those three words you say when you lovingly look into my eyes.
i will love you with it not feeling real.
i will feel real again, i promise.

i just want you to know that i'll be okay.

there are moments of silence and chaos.
losing the only thing keeping me plugged into reality made me realize how loud everything is and everyone was.
your voice in my ears,
life seemed like a 1920 silent film,
everyone moved and talked,
slapstick comedy that only a rare amount laughed.
but now your voice seems to far away and hearing everyone live and witnessing everything all at once,
was too much.
far too much.
i miss the days where i would look outside at the rain and feel comfort.
now i can only make your face out of the pouring rain painting the pavement when i wish you were here.

you deserve to be here.