i closed my eyes tightly before opening them again.
as my eyelids made their way up,
it was revealed that my world was still spinning.
my breathing got heavier and it's strange how something that weighs nothing feels like the weight of the world.
my hand kept writing,
i had to convince myself that i was okay.
it all felt too real.
one moment,
well,
i don't remember how i felt,
but now,
now,
everything feels too Here.
your face and your features are perfectly aligned and i'm afraid of how everyone around me is breathing.
everything was spinning and i could hear your voice but i felt like i couldn't open my mouth.

i sat there as my world spun.
all i could do was breathe and somehow
the universe was telling me that was Enough.

i'm moving away soon.
whether this "soon" is a month or years from now,
but i'm moving away.
i've learned to not let other's insight on My future effect me.
my future smells like coffee and it sounds like the sea.
it looks like calm sunsets and feels like fire by the fireplace.
it smells like autumn candles being lit in the spring.
chopin playing as i calmly live day by day.
i'm going to move away.

i want to live by the sea.
i can imagine myself at the shore for eternities.
even now,
i can hear the waves calling me,
like i'm meant to be there with them.
i want to live by the sea.
nothing is more calming that the waves crashing by your feet.
small hiccups of water that never seem to end.
i want to live by the sea.

i've been wanting to lay under a tree the past week.
laying underneath a blanket and watching the sunlight beam their hands through the openings of leaves.
i want to lay there and watch the branches sway,
slowly taking my worries and unwanted thoughts with every blow of wind.

dear friend,
i'm happy to have met you in this life.
i can't remember my past lives but i believe that i've met you in those too.
i still remember the beginning of our friendship,
it's nice and i like it.
you've lit up my life.
i could swear on everything i have that the universe brought us together,
that the universe showed me you to prove that someone could be the most beautiful living thing ever.
more than any flower,
moment,
memory,
sunset,
sunrise,
person,
living organism,
everything.
you're all of these things in one human and i still feel paralyzed with love and warmth talking to you.
there's moments that i feel undeserving of your presence.
every bad thing seems to be nonexistent when i talk to you.
the love i have for you seems different from other kinds of love.
i can't explain it other than "our love".
it's unique and one of a kind,
nothing like it will ever exist i think.
i tried to write you a poem before,
for the first time and i think it was about macaroni shaped like a smiley face.
there's no words to describe you or this.
meeting you will be the best day ever.
i think the earth might explode from happiness radiating from us.
when i think of us meeting all i can imagine are supernovas.
supernovas outshine galaxies and radiate more energy than the sun will in its entire life.
i think that describes our friendship.

i spent my days and nights contemplating and making lists of reasons i could stay here.
on thursday,
i couldn't lift my head up on the bus ride home.
i didn't want to look outside for nature would make me want to stay,
and i did Not want to stay,
i don't want to stay.
today
i thought and thought and thought.
my lists are empty and all i have now is the longing feeling for things and people are are no longer here

it feels like it's all come to an end with me.
thank you for loving me and showing me how beautiful this world is.
for i remember the first time seeing you,
meeting you
and how i thought someone could be That perfect.
for i remember love in this house,
festive seasons and all i could smell is my mothers perfume when i felt like i could hug her for universes.
for i remember all the moments i had like These,
so low i couldn't feel any of that anymore.
so i say goodbye, most likely.
god, don't worry
i received your messages over the span of these years and i get it now,
please save a room up there with my name on it.
j, i'm coming to see you now.
i should have never made that promise last december.
i'm coming to see you now.
friends, thank you for loving me even when i could barely use the four muscles in my face needed to smile at you to simply say
good morning.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for getting worse all these years,
i couldn't be the person you needed me to be and
i'm sorry.
oh i'm sorry for coming into your life with the impression that i'd still be here after we all turned --.
but i'm leaving now,
i will join stars now,
and be at peace now.
thank you for loving me.

i didn't want her to hold me
because i knew what it meant.
she saw me crying and she wanted to hold me,
i couldn't wrap my arms around her.
by her embrace,
i knew it meant that she saw me falling apart and she was trying to hold me together,
to make feel better.
but i felt nothing but this ocean of sadness.
i didn't want her to hold me,
i wanted to tell her to let go but i couldn't even open my mouth.
i am far beyond repair.
i couldn't feel her touch.
oh how badly i wanted to breakdown in her arms,
fall down from my shaky knees,
and
cry.
oh how badly i just wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
i walked until she let go of me.
as we were about to part ways,
i looked up at her
with tear filled eyes and said goodbye.

do you remember when we shared the same shade from the same tree?
our sweater covering the grass we laid on together,
sharing earbuds,
listening to songs that made me feel like we were the only people in this universe that mattered.
that day was so perfect.
we were
and you still are so
perfect.

today, i cried in class.
not even  your presence or hugs could fix my breaking heart and soul.
i tried doing the coping skills my counselor taught me,
but my breathing only got heavier and the voices in my head were louder.
people used to call me strong for still living,
still getting up in the morning,
still going to school
despite this demon and drags me back to That dark place.
but i'm not "strong" anymore,
i can barely lift my head from the palms of my hands and when i do, i look at them,
wandering why i ended up this way.

the sky above didn't seem so beautiful anymore,
it was grey
all
the time,
it broke into pieces that fell on top of my head when i walked home school.
sometimes i would sit on the curb of my street,
wandering how many bandaids it'd take to fix the only thing that's been keeping breathing.

i can't do this on my own.
i've tried to fix my mind by myself for years and years and every time i think i'm getting better,
the thoughts and voices come back louder than last time.
i can't do this on my own.
mother, father, sister, brother, friends,
thank you for your endless love and warmth but
there are voices you can't silence,
there are wounds that i need someone to help me heal.
i can't do this on my own.

my head and sky continues to stay grey and gloomy.
i used to like this weather but as the air gets colder,
i both get excited to wear my autumn clothes and feel like the life has been ****** out of me
and i don't know why.
how could i be happy and sad at the same time?

i have to love myself. i really do. and i'm learning, i'm getting better at everyday. and i'm so proud of myself. without the people in my life, without their love, i would have never made it this far.

there are times where i regret that i stayed for this long but there's starting to be more moment that even on my dark days, i still find peace and beauty in the world and in myself that makes me want to stay.

i don't have a dream in life. from a young age, i didn't know i'd make it this far. i thought i'd die at a very young age but i'm here. i don't have a dream and it's still a scary thing for me. i'm learning to not be afraid. it's okay to not have a dream. i'm going to be okay, i'll be okay.

"i know you feel uneasy about the future but i'll be right by your side."
this,
this sentence in your handwriting meant the world to me.
looking ahead of me,
it doesn't seem dark anymore.
i've learned to not value my self worth based on my grades.
this is a huge thing for me.
do you know how many nights i've spent crying because of school?
i guess it happens to everyone but i almost left the world because my grades didn't match my needs or the teachers treated me like ****.
i'm learning to push those thoughts in the trash whenever they surface,
not to the back of my mind,
in the trash.
things are Very slowly,
but surely,
going to be okay.

it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.

why am i here?
people keep lying to me,
saying that this will all pass and before i know it i'll smile again.
i've tried everything to get better,
to be better.
but another year has passed and i wish it hasn't.

what do i do now?
i felt like banging my head on my desk and told myself,
"moon, why do you have to be so sad all the time?"
i hate that i'm like this.
light is always taken from my eyes and every time we meet eyes,
i always feel like it'll be the last time.
because i truly don't belong here.
i've been saying this for years now and i only speak the truth.
mom,
i never told you about the time that i tried to end my life and woke up the next morning only to act like nothing happened.
dad,
i never told you the reason why i started crying at the store out of nowhere.
it's because i'm tired all the time, dad.
living beats the life out of me.
sister, brother,
i never told you how i locked myself in my room and cried so hard i couldn't breathe.
or the countless times i laid on my back and felt tears silently stream on the sides of my face.
because i'm tired of trying to make this work.

it made no sense at all.
why did i care so much about things that shouldn't matter and don't exist at all?
why do i do this to myself?
what's wrong with me and why does it not want me alive?
sitting in these classroom chairs,
i don't know if i can make it.
i can't seem to see how or where i'll turn out.
what am i doing here?

the anxiety that made no sense ate from the inside out.
before i knew it i felt a sting in my fingers and realized i was picking at them again.
i watched blood rise from the raw muscle underneath the skin that was no longer there.
i pressed down on it with a tissue,
closing my eyes from the sting.
it hurt to bend my fingers.
a wave of shame and embarrassment washed over me,
i didn't want to show my hands anymore.

tomorrow,
i've been waiting for this day for months,
for years.
and it's here.
all the hurt and pain has left my body and for this day,
for tomorrow,
it'll be like it was never here.
love and happiness has filled my veins and my inch of my soul.
tomorrow,
wait for me.

the leaves are slowly changing on the trees in my neighborhood.
i notice them five days a week when i ride the bus home.
the air is starting to get cooler and i'm starting to find myself walking slower on my way home to enjoy it,
i want to soak in every minute of this cool transitioning air.
my eyes actually look up to ahead of me instead of at my shoes.
the weather brings out the colors of the houses,
orange, sky blue, red, mustard yellow, burgundy, brown, magenta.
everything seems so perfect in these moments.

a journey through the home i lived in and the family inside it.
dinner on the table,
me eating a whole bowl of strawberries and falling asleep to whatever cartoon that was on tv,
elementary school homework,
and helping my mother putting up halloween decorations outside and inside of our home.
i would fall asleep with a full stomach and a smile on my face as my heavy eyelids slowly closed with every leaving thought.
years went by and things that were done before were no longer.
this house turned into slammed doors and nights of me sitting on the stairs hearing  yells and the screaming.
waking up with puffy eyes and a puffy face only to feel absent and not entirely There as i wrote down notes at school.
there was still hope.
i would fall asleep with worry.
years came and went and by the time i knew it all i knew where pencil sharpener blades and how to make myself drown out the shaking house.
i lost myself in my sleep as i was tangled in my sheets,
trying to make myself forget with pills.
i could feel the world on my shoulders and i wanted to cut the string that was keeping me alive.

i always imagined my first love, how i'll meet them, what i'd be doing. most of this i've just interpreted from reading books and what i see in movies. what can i say, i love all that cheesy romantic, "love at first sight", crap. i've never imagined what they'd look like because it can literally be anyone, i think that's both beautiful and nerve wrecking.

let me paint you the vision i've been visioning for a while, or at least one of the visions.

it's autumn or winter. i'm in a coffee shop. all you can hear and smell are normal coffee shop things. orders being made, names being called out for those orders, chatter, keys from laptop keyboards, and of course the smell of coffee dancing in the air. the smell under our noses and eventually, it sticks to the clothing i'm wearing.

i look up and there they are.

beautiful and completely ordinary. but not ordinary to me,
they're light and everything in between and out of this world.

absolute perfection.

cherry blossoms.
in this still,
you can feel the spring wind blowing at every blossom hugging the branch.
behind it,
a blue, clear sky.
the kind of blue that makes you happy you went outside.
in this still of a cherry blossom tree,
i can see a park were picnics are taking place.
children throwing a frisbee,
not knowing or caring of the pain and hurt outisde this park.
cherry blossoms.
proof of spring.
spring where everything blossoms,
where all is beauty and seeing butterflies near the grass makes you forget.
but this still,
this still of cherry blossoms,
is proof that spring will come again,
and i'll be okay again.

tell me about the smile of the one you love the most,
how everything seems to slow down and the only thing you can focus on is how their eyes almost disappear from their wide grin.
how their "happy face" is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
tell me about your childhood birthday parties,
how your family would come over and there's something about childhood birthday parties that make reality seem altered.
how the cake your mother set in front of you makes you sigh with content and with ease.
how they all sing happy birthday and you shift in your seat with a smile on your face,
perfect.
tell me about the first hand you felt.
how soft it was and how it perfectly fit yours,
like two puzzle pieces coming together.
oh how your stomach has a field full of butterflies in it when you grip that hand,
how warm and Right it feels.
and no matter how sweaty yours or their hand gets,
you don't let go.
tell me about the dark times.
when you couldn't seem to get out of bed
or the devastation you felt when your parents split.
how heavy your mind and heart felt,
how you wanted to cry out of nowhere because everything
just
hurt.
tell me about the day you saw light within yourself.
how you wanted to cry because you made it.
it's something to be proud of.
how you could breathe and feel light.

sixteen,
one six,
that's how old you were when you left us.
you didn't get to walk the stage with us,
or propose to your high school sweetheart.
you were sixteen.

i'm sorry i can't be strong like you want me to be.
my limbs feel heavier than my heart lately and it's hard to look at my friends without wanting to cry.
i still try to stand tall but it's hard today.
the massive lump in my throat got larger when my teachers asked me if i was okay.
because in all honestly,
no, i'm not.  
please hug me and tell me it's okay to cry.
tell me these tears running down my face will eventually stop.
tell me i'm strong enough to make it for two more years.
just less than 730 days and i'll be free.
i'm sorry i broke down today.
you have no idea how badly i wanted to fall when i stood up.
or how badly i wanted to run away from all of this.
i needed someone there,
i needed someone to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.

sitting in my math, aching hand writing what ever the teacher was,
trying to catch and keep up.
"ok, now you guys do the next problem.",
i sat back and i blanked out.
i don't remember writing any of this,
i don't know what this means,
these numbers,
this page.
i forget where i am and who i am.
i try to ground myself but realize that i'm looking out the window for ten minutes.
i look down at my now shaking hands as the teacher goes over the question and moves on.
i look around,
my head turns and everything is in slow motion.
this can't be happening.
this is first period.
not even noon yet
and i realize i'm crying in my class.
my breathing gets heavier and i can't do anything.
i feel paralyzed and trapped inside my own mind.
i can't get out,
i can't help myself.
so i cry,
in class.
i cry silently then i leave.

i've packed my bags and i'm coming to see you.
don't leave your seat or do anything without me,
i'll be there soon.
i closed my eyes and i can already see a world with Both of us on it again,
please wait for me.

"it's okay.
grades don't mean everything.
you'll be okay, stop stressing out over small things that can be fixed.
it's okay to cry over nothing.
do you want a hug?
in a few years, this won't mean a thing.
breathe, deep breaths.
it's okay,
you'll be okay."

i tried taking deep breaths,
i really did.
i counted to ten then backwards from ten then up to ten again.
i feel like i could stare at my wall for hours,
i feel nothing and everything right now.
my soul is clinging onto every emotion that it can
and right now,
that emotion is sadness and frustration.
this makes my eyes turn into an ocean and the lump in my throat forms so big i'm convinced i'll always feel this way.
breathing makes my heart feel heavy and i'm at the point where i've bottled everything up that me dropping my pencil might make me lose it.
i close my eyes in hope that it'll stop the tears from running but somehow,
then leave anyways.
i try so hard to push all the bad thoughts and thinking in general away,
"i have homework to do", i say.
suddenly i want to see red but i keep reminding myself,
i have homework to do.
the weight on my chest feels like it'll never leave me.

it was in that moment,
i see two forms of light and loving smiling at me.
walking over to them
i felt their warmth wrap around me,
i never wanted to let go.
it was in that moment i knew i never wanted to leave the soil.
they wanted me here,
i wanted to be here.

i took out everything that reminded me of you and put it on my bed.
things that were in hiding places so i wouldn't come across it in my everyday life,
i can't risk overthinking about you again.
these are just things yet they hold years and memories inside of them.
they used to look bright and carry light but now looking at them,
they're dull.
looking at them now,
i don't see your face or the year behind it,
they're just Things now,
Objects now.
they feel light in my hands,
no longer weighing me down from new objects that are to come.
ready to let go,
i pack them all in a box,
laying each one carefully on top of each other.
i'm starting to forget the sound of your voice but i'll never forget how it made me feel.
i sealed that box up tight,
hugged it once last time,
and put it on the curb on this bright thursday morning.
i'm letting go.

i could stare at the leaves in the trees for what it seemed like eternities.
this one hour of being one with the trees felt like my whole lifetime.
everything felt silent in my head and i didn't mind the ache in my legs anymore.

everyone keeps telling me if i talk about it then i'll feel better,
but it's not working,
nothing feels like it's working.
my eyes feel glazed over and looking at my friends makes me want to cry.
i'm coming to see you now,
please open the door.

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.

i could feel the corners of my eyes start to water and soon enough,
i couldn't see that well anymore.
i hugged myself because  no one else would.
sister,
i'm sorry for crying on your bedroom floor,
i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
it feels like all the happiness that was inside me has turned to grey and i can see myself reaching out for something that i'll never be able to reach.
even my little sister asked me what i wanted to do with my life,
as if i know.
how do you know i'll still be here to see that,
to actually live that?
because i don't know.
and the same questions make me shift my seat
and come up with an answer that sounds like a murmur or a grumble.
last  night, i thought about it.
how will i make it to september?
how will i live long enough to feel free again?
i don't think i will.

i would never have to spend nights crying over the same thing.
i could forget who i am and who i used to be.
is that even a question?

but that isn't a thing.
i will probably never forget who i am or
who i was, or
what i've been through.
there are starting to be more times where i don't know if this is still a chemical imbalance or
i just won't let go of the past even though it's piercing my hands.

her hands ran over my back,
drawing patterns that i knew meant
"oh, you don't even know yet,
the world is so big.".

day 2,
the world feels like it's ending.

i won't be able to make it another year.
two days in and my entire soul and anything alive in me feels like it's been ****** out.
i refuse to let my mental health get bad again.
i can't let myself become the me i was before again.

i've almost forgotten what your voice sounds like.
i hate the way my dad acts when he's with his new lover,
it reminds me of how he would yell me for breathing.

the nerves of the first day of school are back.
for some reason,
these jitters brought out tears and anxiety.
i don't want to get back again,
i've been trying really hard to be okay.

the sky is melting and all i could see was your face.
your hands cusped my cheeks,
your eyes are mesmerizing..
the world around us didn't matter anymore for right now,
i believe i was meant to live solely for these moments i'm having with you.
these are the best days of my life.
how can someone have that much an impact on someone that they literally feel like the world was created for them?
this,
us,
was meant to happen.
out of all the ******* i've been through and every night i spent trying to fix myself,
was for these moments with you.
the warm feeling in my chest makes me want this to never end.

don't leave.
my pain in your heart will not last forever.
i will love you so greatly that the touch of the sun on your cheek will make you forget.
even if it's for a moment,
lets forget.
close your eyes and imagine yourself happy,
imagine yourself in a meadow of flowers and love.
i promise you the world isn't dark.
put all your worry and sadness onto my shoulders if it's too much.
i would give the world to see you happy again,
to you smiling so much your cheeks hurt.
so
please don't leave.
the sky is beautiful and when it's your time, you'll become a star in it
but it's not your time right now.
you should be here,
they need you here,
i need you here.
there will be light again,
even if it's for a few days.
it'll remind you how colorful and wonderful this world is with you in it.
one day,
through all the bruises and scars,
you'll wake up and be happy you did.
please don't leave.

i carefully wrap my sorrow and pain up tight in a cloth and keep it hidden away.
some days, even i forget where it's gone but nights,
no, mornings,
like this is when i remember.
carefully unwrapping it,
i hold it to my chest like my favorite childhood toy.
suddenly, i feel alone again.
minutes turn into hours and before i know it,
my tears flow from my eyes,
i don't even try to hold it back.

it's still dark out but i know it's the morning.
i can hear the rain titter tattering on my window from where i'm sitting at my desk.
in this moment, right now, all i could think about was when the lights would go out from thunderstorms and my siblings and i would sit on my parents bed with them.
we would talk for hours, until we fell asleep,
sometimes my dad would tell us about how he grew up
and sometimes my mom would tell us stories about when we were just born.
in this moment, right now, all i can think about is air.
how it feels my lungs only for me to let it go then keep it close again then let go.
i can see the clouds slowly disappearing, taking rain showers with them.
the morning sun stretches across the infinite sky,
greeting me through my blinds.
i know the feeling of longing and i thank the sky for bringing almost forgotten memories every night.

there are still many things i have to do before i can say i'm free.
i have to let go.
let go of the people and moments and memories that keep me awake at night.
they aren't here anymore and i need to realize that.
i also have to forgive,
not only people in my life and past
but myself.
i can't keep beating myself down,
it hurts me and being my biggest bully isn't helping anyone.
i'm ready to love myself and accept my bruised past.
it doesn't hurt most days,
i need to let it heal.
life is different and i won't go back to that dark place when i have a bad day.
the flowers in my yard are growing again and the rain sounds beautiful to me again.
you don't know how long i've fought to be here,
writing and breathing to you.
i will be free.

hearing your voice,
a lump form in my throat and seeing you smile makes the world still.
my heart aches at the realization, once again, that you're in the sky.
my moon,
my stars,
my sun,
my everything,
i hope you're well.

i'm reaching out my hands to the night sky every night,
i don't know if you can see me giving you my heart but i'll do it until the end of my days.
your voice still sounds like honey and pillows.
your face is still how i remember it,
i remember falling in love with the chocolate brown color of your eyes
and how when you smiled your eyes shut tightly and your nose scrunched up.
so tonight,
like last night and the nights before,
i'm calling to you.
i smile saying your name and although there are tears of longing some nights,
i can hear you telling me to get back up again.
although i can't see you now,
i know that when our eyes meet again
i'll then know that this whole thing was worth it.

i could scream for hours on end and you still wouldn't look at me.
even in a room full of people, all corners of my heart feel empty.
it's gotten almost impossible to feel your words that have so much into them.
for me,
my heart and my soul and my body is tired of fighting.
there's blisters and bruises that cover my body from fighting demons that will always cling to my arms.
at the bottom of this well,
i can't see the sky that's given me hope.
there seems to be no light left and it's moments like these where i regret staying for this long,
it's moments like these where i'm positive that i shouldn't be here.

i've always wanted to. like ever since i was young. i've loved writing and writing about what i've been through, my opinions on things, my morals, just everything. i've even written short fiction stories, which i have deleted but i still did that. as i've grown and gotten older, i've found a love and passion for writing.

so yes, i want to write a book. i understand that i'm still young but i'm not letting that stop me. it's something i truly want to do. and i've (in my opinion) improved in my poetry compared to when i first started. and idk, it's been a long time since i've had my mind set on something 100% so this feels nice.

maybe i could even pursue in writing/poetry? please, if you want, give me feedback on poetry/writings i've put out so far on here.

thank you for reading my words. i know i only have a few people reading them but i'm very grateful, thank you.