The times last year
you stole my body
I remember vividly
As that day grows near
I feel hatred growing in me
Something I have not felt
For anyone but myself
In the longest time
I wish I could show you
What your theft left me with
Or go back in time and
Lock the door though
you climbed through the window

Did you think I would have let you in?

Your confidence smelled
Of Cologne mixed with power
Your alpha hands grabbed my waist
And I have thrown up every day
Remembering how you called me names
For telling you to stay the **** away

I still see it sometimes and I hate that
No one, not even the witness believed me
I have yet to fill what you dug when you stole my body from me

*******,
so angry I could collapse on the floor
but I swore this year I would stop
passing out when I feel like lashing out
so *******
for nailing my feet to the tile floor
and turning on the sink on your way out the door,
I am drowning in your mess
and have to swim with wounds on my feet
so *******
for doing this while telling me you love me
and pouring salt on open cuts
and making sure you had enough air to breathe
while I struggle to make ends meet
so *******
for doing this to me and
for draining me of the energy that it takes
to collect myself and hold it in and not scream
*******

a letter in messy script
a script with too few hits
a hit with too much smoke
a smoke with too few drags
a drag with too much hope
a hope with too few moves
a move with too much step
a step with too few directions
a direction with too much detail
a detail with too few truths
a truth with too much love
a love with too few touches
a touch with too much hand
a hand with too few shakes
a shake with too much promise
a promise with too few pinkies
a pinkie with too much trust
a trust with too few people
a person with too much love
a love with too few words
a word that never made it past a letter
a letter that told it all
everything, that never got sent

my love was sugar
in your tea but you preferred it black
it never stayed hot very long  
you left it on the burner regardless

my love was a mess
in your home I was scattered shoes and broken glass
I asked for time to plan out my escape
but you held the door open for me

my love wore white instead of red
it did not hold hands or smoke cigarettes
I stayed about the surface for most of our time
because I was scared of not doing it right

my love was an open home
empty hallways for strangers to rome
a place to lay their head or put up their feet
it was a soup kitchen for those who were hungry


and I starved myself to keep them full

you used me for ***
and I should be upset
but it's you I laugh at
because you ****** in bed
I faked every time
and I don't feel bad, not a bit
you used me for ***
just wished you'd be better at it

when I talk and it sounds more like a scream
and my soul lay scattered on your bedroom floor
I will tremble as I hand you the bones I took out of my closet
but take them still

when I cry and you get sick of that high pitched whine
and my tears stain your favorite white shirt
I will shake as I hold your hand and tell you what hurts
but listen still

when I make loving me more of a chore than a game
and my panic attacks interrupt your sleep cycle
I will apologize as many times as I can until you fall back asleep
but listen still

I have talked to no one for three years now
and my hands have been uneasy since I was sixteen
I won't hold your hand until you promise
to hold mine back and to hear me

I want to see the west coast
feel ***** SanFran sidewalks on my feet
and redwood forest air inside me
I want to glide the coastline
and drink expensive smoothies
fall a few times surfing
and laugh until I'm hurting
I want to see the west coast
and forget about my worries
I know it sounds redundant
but California calls me
I want to see the redwoods
and look up and feel small
I want to know the desert
and meet a blonde haired boy
I crave the west coast breeze
the sand between my toes
there is something out there I am missing
what it is yet, I do not know

I put myself in debt
taking classes to learn how to
fix the world's problems
and when I got tired
I tried fixing smaller ones
like broken tables and
broken homes
I paid off loans
to take more lessons
on how to make the world
hurt less
but I did not learn
how to clean up my mess
I tried to learn my pain away
and put all my energy into
saving populations in far places
but never mended my own heart
there isn't a class for that

my friend told me once
the hardest thing to fix
was a broken heart
and he was right
i have 6 degrees
in subjects i loathe
but the thing i loved
i know not where to start

Sometimes I wish you would have hit me
because I could take a blow like that
and get back up in a minute
those scars heal like bandaged paper cuts
though they hurt like hell at first, you **** it up
your skin covers its own trenches in amazing resilience

Sometimes I wish you would have hit me
because I could handle a few bruises on my arm
over endless nights of hearing your words that cut like knives
but the wounds do not go away,
they get deeper with time and everything I try to cover them with
too, is covered in blood

Sometimes I wish you would have hit me
because I would not hurt a year after leaving
Sometimes I wish you would have hit me
I fear the easier one to heal from is a physical beating