what is old is new,
when it is discovered by children;
what is life is no longer true,
when a wise man’s words are carelessly spoken;
the age of purpose can only be measured
by the circumstance and pain of its birth;
but to send an olive branch,
flying into a storm created by your own breath;
is to send a message that cannot be accepted,
and to ask for forgiveness that cannot be expected;
for who would send kindness to its death,
except the one who never knew its worth

Whatever the night may reveal
Or the day may choose to conceal
It is of no consequence to my being
If I cannot discern between morning or evening

However intrigue may make us smile
Or how the self-evident nature of man may beguile
It is of no consequence to my being
If I cannot understand the way I should be living

Whenever fear failed to dissuade me
Or courage only became stupidity
It is of no consequence to my being
Because reason was something I was missing

Whoever loved me in spite of my reticence
Or who walked away despite my penitence
It is of no consequence to my being
If I cannot understand what I am feeling

Words, never uttered
Not in the way they were meant to be spoken
To live honorably, an honest life
Full of dignity and promises unbroken
Instead, lost moments
Years of pursuing what my flesh would desire
Empathy, only a hint
Swallowed by nights with my mind on fire
Left behind, the past weeps
But it embraces my children beyond its duty
Cleanliness, a robe to wear
Is in the hearts of those who now define beauty
I see poverty, my eyes drawn to them
Touching the souls of those life treats as a sin
They are alive, breathing among us
Their pain is the path where humility will begin

It is you I want to know

Silent belief, expunged pride, learning;
knowing of duty inside a prayer to what
guides your conscience towards understanding

Apart from convention and vicarious pleasure;
dogged in faith, quietly accepting of your
anonymity

Failing at what man would measure
to be worthy; excelling at making
children feel safe

Seeking the heart and not the law;
the empathetic moment before it happens
to you; the knowledge that each of us
has a story

Never breaching the peace,
making peace, instinctively; never
losing sight of what is right

Passing through this life, loving
what you live with; nature, laughter,
honesty

Accepting different paths because
of different beginnings, never too sure
but caring for another man’s silent
belief

It is you I want to know

You may say
Life is of no consequence
So many have lived
Neglected by a poets eloquence
Faceless by any name
And yet they lived and died
Passionate, loved, a friend
Upon marshy sod, their children cried
For they would remember
Love squinting to see
Memories bending time as echoes
Shimmering like the moon on the sea
He wanted her to live with him
But only from afar
A demented madman of love
Could only speak by star
And another, who would only prevail
Upon lust each and every night
But love, in its exhaustion
Was left longing in his sight
Yet still, laughter, a fiddle or a lute
These things were made by honor
To live, by mistake or luck
But to not care, there is no greater horror

There is nothing contrived
It’s not being different
Or the same
Opposite or synonymous
There is no thought
Not about that
Only feeling

When I began crying
It was not a decision

I didn’t ask you
I didn’t tell you
I only wanted you to know
The lover I wanted to be

But I had to find out first
Could we talk about another
And not think about going back
Could we talk about tomorrow
And see the longing in our eyes
Could we know what we want
And not try to make it happen
But instead let it happen

I’m racing into your head now
Moving the hands forward on your clock
I would wait forever for you
But why should we
Don’t believe in time
Believe in me

I don’t want to be compared
How do I make you feel
That is all that matters
Everyone thinks you are beautiful
Do they make you feel safe
Everyone thinks you are a mystery
Do they understand you
Everyone wants to be your lover
Do they want to be your friend

How many shoes have you tried on
Nobody said life had to be about people gone
The memory you left can only smile at dawn

There never was a storm between us
In fact it never rained
But tomorrow was all you could think of
And that brought the clouds to your day

I wonder how long a person should think about it
Did you decide what we had was all there is
Or did I only remind you of how it could be?

How many men have you brought home
You won’t know them until you’re alone
Now if I ask all your eyes can do is roam

There never was a storm between us
In fact it never rained
But tomorrow was all you could think of
And that brought the clouds to your day

I tried to close my door
But your breath filled the key hole
I tried to close my eyes
But you came to me in my dreams
I tried to close my mind
But you kissed my heart instead
I tried to close my heart
But you taught me what love means

i could walk the way across the wire
and tell you I understand
but we both know I really don't, so
i will instead be myself;
there is no greater feat for a human
than to overcome himself
to tell his own kind they are wrong
and not pretend he is good;
the fear of heights is the fear of truth;
to say you cannot look down
but that you will watch while they do,
does not comfort them;
what is right except to be human,
to treat you the same
if you are wrong or if you are right;
the words I choose
will be the ones i speak to a man;
no tears no pity,
only the words that my soul believes,
so you know what I know
that my feet are too small for my shoes,
the ones God gave me;
and how many pairs must I try today
until i can wear yours;
can I instead never be a loud goodbye
and speak only soft hellos
can i instead never pretend to know,
except that i do my friend;
i do even though my dreams do not,
life for them goes on;
the tears that flood my nights are truth;
i know they are only for me
for that is the reality of the oppression
and of the protest;
they know you have too much to lose
until you no longer do,
but will your children understand why
cost is greater than comfort,
that childhood is still a dream away;
but they will soon know
that those who came before them
gave them more than life;
they gave them a cross of deliverance
for heaven is still the same

I don’t have any style
I might have a religion
There’s nothing in my threads
Maybe just my opinion

There’s a place to start
It’s not knowing anything
The older I get, you know
It’s back to the beginning

It’s a feeling inside
I know it well
It’s the same as yours
The one that knows
But will never tell

Why am I here anyway
Was it just for my folks?
What did they get from me
Some love and a few jokes?

You know I’ve grown
But not in how I dress
I’m trying to be calmer
I learned from duress

It’s a feeling inside
I know it well
It’s the same as yours
The one that knows
But will never tell

I have a mental flashlight
And a heart-shaped microscope
I’m not confused for long
Or fall in love without hope

I can’t say it enough
Eventually I’ll decide
I might stare for a while
But then, the feeling inside

It’s a feeling inside
I know it well
It’s the same as yours
The one that knows
But can never tell

There’s no reason
Is meaning important
My emotions say yes
They’re my informant

To know myself
Then always to act
If the truth always hurts
Will you ever come back?

It’s a feeling inside
I know it well
It’s the same as yours
The one that knows
But can never tell

Suddenly it mattered
Though it happened slowly
Like a leaf falling without a breeze
But it finally hit the ground

That is how realization works
You wonder how it started
And what took so long
But one day everything changes

It’s almost like taking up smoking
Adults don’t do that
But some do
It’s because they’re tired
It's time to try something new

But you have no power
Just commitments
And they are in your blood
So now the test begins

Now you’re in a movie
Playing a part
It’s not for love
Though in a way it is

But to be without guard
To think as only in a garden
Is to be without shoes
As you walk down the aisle

It’s almost like praying for forgiveness
But what can you expect
To suppress your nature
When it finally blooms
Is to know how hard it is to be true

But first
I consulted Kings lying beneath a sword
Uneasy at high noon!
By what duty
did they rule, benevolence or fear
Weakness or strength!
Did he view
his kingdom from a moving window
Square it away!
Or did they
walk by in quiet fealty as in looking at a lion
King of the forest!
The single despot
once held by all in stormy contempt
Commit them all to the deep!
The power vested
in the crown though this was their glory
Long live the King!
He thought
of a Republic but could not agree
Freedom Freedom!
Each man a King
as if he himself had grown additional limbs
We the people!
But could any man
born in idealist fervor remain as such
The invisible hand!
The merest taste
of an apple would remove his conscience
The lusting snake!
How tenuous
it would be to honor temptation so easily
Save me Lord!
And with so many
is sin best served in the heart of one man?
For I am Solomon!
Leaving behind
his favorite toy was when the moment arrived
A man haunted!
He resisted flight
though he was promised eternal life
An heirs lives forever!
The memory
of his name was all that was required
His name was his fathers!
More detective
than ruler he mastered prophecy
A spy in their midst!
He preferred
the absence of a single guiding principle
Except for his own amibiton!
For there was
none that another man would not dispute
The division gives purpose!
He knew freedom
resided in the illusion of belief in the absurd
A big lie is better than small!
Or in the
belief that the cross meant him no harm
We have lived in hell already!
For he was Caesar
and what was his was his as commanded
He received the blessing!
The thin thread
of discord were yellow black and white
And so began man’s discontent!
The braid
created more questions than answers
Borders of sand!
It was to be
richer poorer and everything in between
What do I care!
Social relationships
that accepted neither dominance or submission
Anarchy!
Social relationships
that demanded status and subservience
Royalty!
He believed
opulence fostered his acceptance by the people
The splendor!
For all his riches
so much remained for the common man
Incentive and reward!
It was the hope
of holes dug and steel forged by ideas
Entrepreneurs and prospectors!
His protection
was that no man could hoard their life
They were free!
But most of all
the trust he lacked was the same as theirs
The sword falls on every man!
The uneasy alliance,
two to collude or millions for a revolution
Trust or madness!
The first shot
is the hardest and their glory weighed upon them
Into the breach!
Mistrust of one another
was the first creation of law and order
No man is without sin!
For though anarchy
is the absence of power it is fear that crowns
Fear of each other!
The more layers
of gold upon his throne the more pronounced his mercies
The glory of a pardon!
Speech upon speech
to protect to feed to represent before God
I will be your savior!
For it was
their awe of him that made him King
They were peasants!
Who would speak
such as this except a man with enough belief
It was his gift!
And belief
was all that was required because of their doubt
Sincerity greater than truth!
Their awe
knew of nothing that a noble could conceive
For they believed!
It was the presence
of wonder as to what he was thinking
The stared at his face!
All that would
be required was to believe in his decisions
He was descended from the Gods!
For they knew
there was nothing they could do except beg
He would feed them!
And though they
hated him their fears drew relief from him
He was assurance!
He thought it best
to treat them like animals in the forest
To tame lions!
For nature harbors
no ego no memory no remorse no pride
Man’s dominion!
Only survival instincts
which he destroyed by providing for all
Their content was bought!
But where he
was wrong was that men were not animals
No they are Gods!
Providing for all
does not dig up seeds before they germinate
The will build towers to God!
For that is only
the thought of men in a tower who believe
Detachment and delusion!
And though
they knew they were the wisest of them all
For who else knew of these things!
He knew that
they failed because they were not animals
They had minds!
No, they were not
instead they were a garden full of hubris
The ego!
And to care
so much while wearing a crown is a lie
Survival is all that matters!
For the crown
only lives as long as a noble is pacified
Give them title!
And a noble
lives only as long as a poor man is pacified
Give them bread!
But a poor man
will not be pacified by eating cake or beans
Give me more!
He will not die
because it is his destiny to be so unfortunate
I am a man!
No, he will not
so what King would rule knowing any of this
The King is dead!
For it has all
been tried before, caring too much
Only for himself!
Caring so much
that freedom must be taken away for equality
Mindless egalitarianism!
Caring so much
that what a man may conceive is a threat to the crown
There greatest threat is knowledge!
Caring so much
that a possession must be taken for the good of all
For all possession is wealth!
But who decides
and who gives and who receives and who doesn't
Only the King!
Yes, it has all been tried
before and the King had no answer for him
That is why he is dead!
He knew all
of this and that is why he does not want to be King
That is why he is dead!
He does not
want to be King but there will always be someone
Wealth is his possession!
And that
is what we have now, someone not something
Save us from the evil doers!
For something
is a guiding light, a principle which we all know
Save us from the evil doers!
But someone
is nothing except what we believe them to be
They must believe in someone!
And our belief
is what someone must germinate in our garden
A lamb rise if you believe!

It’s alright
If you are afraid my friend
You can think about the past
And who you owe an apology
But I’m not the one
Who sees the things you try to hide

Yeah that’s right
I remember you from back then
And even though it didn’t last
It’s still a great memory
But I’m not the one
Who left the sadness all behind

You were always so far from here
What you thought about
The time that passed
Why you decided not to stay
But you never knew
What you thought about yourself
Were things I never felt about you

Ok, you’re right
But why not try again?
You said the die was cast
And you don’t relive history
But I’m not the one
Who kept his feelings on the inside

It’s not something that happened
It was just part of living
And the mistakes you think you made
Are the one’s I’m forgiving

You were always so far from here
What you thought about
The time that passed
Why you decided not to stay
But now you know
What you thought about yourself
Were the things that made you go

Are you willing to risk a kiss
Or is it the time that passed
The road between us is long
But the memory is longer
It is so easy for me
But not for you
How could you love a man
Who pretends he can't lose
You took a walk
But didn't check the weather
That's the chance you decided to take
I might be a storm
Or light reflecting in a rain forest
You decided to find out
If I was taking pictures
Or showing you my heart

It’s the year two thousand fifteen
It’s been a while
It’s been a while since we started counting
It’s been a while since we thought this would be the future
A future of amazing things
Like flying machines for each of us
And colonies on other planets
Maybe a visitor too
But nothing’s changed
Hate is the same
Poverty is the same
War is the same
Conquest is the same
Power is the same
Abuse is the same
And still heaven remains silent
While we imagine a world away from all of this
A world that may not be here for a while
The same while that we have already waited
For this year
Maybe that's the problem
Maybe we shouldn't wait
Waiting is nihilism
Maybe we should do something instead
Something that has been with us
All the while
Something like love
Or peace
Or forgiveness
Or empathy
Or love
Love

I just don't know
I can only think about how it makes me feel

I will never know the word numb again

What is more raw than going there?
Let's go there

I want to think about IT

You giving your storms to another bird
You giving your oceans to another ship

They can only survive you

The dark separates the light from itself
But the dark is how to find the light
It always happens before the light
Like a porch waiting for the sun to dry itself off
You have to walk through it
You can't turn back
Time never does
The earth rotates the same way

North is north until the curve makes it south

Dark is dark
Until it's not

Because what happened, happened
You already were there

It's gonna repeat itself

You have to adjust to it's appearance its not going away you can't forget it's you or instead what happened to you your choice pick one

All the pages are soaked
You wrote them
Then tried to burn them
But your tears put out the fire
That's why you cry
To put out the fire
Put it out
Or let it burn
But do you want to burn

Or be a survivor?

Don’t be upset about it
I will get to know you someday
But tonight I just want to fly with you

When you looked at me that way
I didn’t think about forever
Only what I needed to give back to you

How many eyes have you met?
Did they melt into the sea while you watched?
I can only say I know what you look like
And it’s good enough for me

Whether my thoughts are ******
Or exactly how you want them to be
I will only know when they touch you

Looking across a room
Every secret you die to resist
Is ready to strip itself naked before you

How many men have you met?
How many told you the things I already know?
I can only say that I know how you feel
And it’s good enough for me

It’s better to be implied
Suggested
Make them feel something
Tears without a reason
Longing without knowing why
Faith in a silent night
Nothing sure
That is what she said
It’s better than the truth

It’s not too dark yet
Hope sleeps too
To awaken is another light
The one that never dims
Only your point of view

Did every step prepare for this
Or just bring me here
Without warning
Or experience
I don’t know the purpose
Or what it implies
The world came into my  own
Without a wall
Only what is true

to have you tell me you approve
a woman's touch
it is the truth in your life
no matter how it may hurt
when it is the right time
you will be glad you are there
no matter though how great you are
the life you share is so much more
Never forget
It is her love that is the art of her life
If only you could understand

Her face is like a museum
An old church decorated like a saloon
The world had happened to her
She rushed back and forth
A bottle and a preacher shared the same room

She had a way to fool a man
And it was easy for her to say it was over
She was trying to survive
They never knew that
It may be a man’s world but not under her covers

She had to learn how to love
The trap didn’t work anymore
Whatever song they once heard
Doesn’t sound like it did before

Her sexuality was her genius
The preacher knew and tried not to swoon
He was just a man
A robe is a man’s veil
She laughed then remembered the blood moon

She washed off her make-up
She cut her hair and lit a cigarette
She thought about being a mother
A bar is no place to teach a baby the alphabet

She had to learn how to love
The men don’t look at her like before
But they couldn’t hear the song she heard
She wasn’t that young girl anymore

She could see Earth through the window
It had become as if it was almost not at all
Now only distant to that divided folk community;
she had become all of whom heaven would
know and it’s next port of call

Though the rules didn't allow green on stone,
she thought how could I be judged so harshly,
when he never told me I would be the one?

They would play God without permission, but
they would also deny him before the sun rose
But she knew the truth of its orbit
And it was no longer her enemy who stole the light
she lovingly raised in a garden where hope grows

She tired of investing in social gatherings
Now it seemed so much a relief
to be the one who thinks only of nothings

She thought of skipping off of atmospheres
and the life of dread that floated on air,
yet she never laughed so much
But it was the fear that made her delirious
while the deniers of mortality could only stare

She never wanted for her next meal
There was always a home, but was it
about something she once thought to steal?

The plans had changed though time only
looked at the watch it carried for chances
It wasn’t sadness but instead a blessing
Nobody else could relate but she knew that
warnings were not related to circumstances

Without thinking anymore of why it happened
or why somebody would choose life without dignity,
she could only wait for miracles to be as imagined

I looked up to the sky
Only to see the stars were gone
In their place was God's hand
Revealing the painting that was drawn

It's his land
Not mine

My eyes were opened
Even as they remained closed
Suddenly God's hand was gone
And Earth's pain was exposed

It's our pain
Or is it his?

I looked down
And saw my devices
My hands were holding
A book with blank pages

It's my life
I have no answers

How can I be sure?
Upon confusion I depend
Searching the mind of another
Do you know my friend?

It's his land
Not ours

Give me your hand
Show me God's love
I open my hand
Inside a dove

Is it an illusion?
Or is it real?

You asked me what I think
I told you with my hand over my heart
It was only to show
Right or wrong, my opinion is all my own
I will live with it, but I want to hear yours

There is no reason to stop trying
Convince me, I want to know more about it
It’s what I want to know
That what is true, the opinion that you own
Is because of the life you live and endure

We hear so many voices
They just want to be heard, and we do
I’ve messed up everywhere I go
As soon as I know, then I realize I don’t
The things I feel sometimes make me unsure

I don’t know how far I can see
The horizon changes but never life’s misery
I don’t want to fight about it though
You tell me everything that you will or won’t
I still hope we can live behind the same door

I know you’re tryin’ hard to resist me
Or maybe it’s not so hard at all
I just know that you tempt me baby
And I’m tryin’ to make you fall

You need to quit thinking so much
And talking about one night stands
There’s always a first time for everything
And that’s not always where it ends

There’s always a first time
But it’s about to walk on past
We need to get things started
Even if it feels too fast
How can we know for sure
If tonight will be forever?
That’s what love is all about
The risk is part of the pleasure

You say no but you don’t walk away
You like to look and listen to what I say
Maybe it’s only what your ego wants to hear
I’ll be around until someone else draws me near

There’s always a first time
But it’s about to walk on past
We need to get things started
Even if it feels too fast
How can we know for sure
If tonight will be forever?
That’s what love is all about
The risk is part of the pleasure

You thought if you didn't do it when you were young
it wasn't going to get done
but it's never too late to find yourself
and ignore what you think you've become,
you feel like a nobody but everybody is
before they become something else,
the struggle in your life should not be
what we think about your self, but instead
you have to decide that the years that passed
aren't what locks you down
because the person you want to be
is the person that needs to be found,
the time you decide to tell us what you really love
is the day of your birth
and you will know what to say
when you know that only you decides your worth

It's not a path
It's a decision
You cannot turn back
Though you can make a revision
It's not quite the same
But what is precision
Nothing more or less
Than the hope of a vision
A dream
But alas we must awaken
Only to find we are what we are
A soon to be memory hoping to be risen
Change, a choice
Or another mistake of intuition
No matter, we are where troubles gain contentment
Yesterday confessed, today forgiven

what you have experienced is real
you do not have to explain it to anyone
in ten years it will only be a memory
in twenty years it will seem like an illusion
you do not have to know why
but you were created to feel emotion
and what happens to you is reality
that is all the proof you need
for there is no illusion
pain is not an illusion
life is not an illusion
only a perception, except
that which you know to be true
and it is enough
to know what you know
and you do know
and you do live on
with the storm that rages inside your heart
as the past is water smashing over the side into the hold
though you can still smile at a lover
like a calm sea making love to the setting sun
while the unseen life below feeds upon itself
and waves crash down upon faraway mariners
as they try to escape the shores they once loved
never asking for permission to die
only a reason worthy of the illusion they will shatter
in those who loved them

I’m still waiting
I’m in one spot
Just one long note
Sustained
Looking for something
A place to go
But this one feels right
It seems as if it provides the answers
Maturity
Creativity
Availability
Longevity
Spontaneity
Re­liability
I know my spot so well
I can’t imagine any other
I can look back
And see the line
Traced upon experience
It seems as if it provides the needs
A roof
A job
A car
A bed
A breath of fresh air
There is nothing that I want
Or is that a lie?
Can it be that I want something?
Yes
I do
But who can give it to me?
Do you even know what it is that I want?
I know what it is
But there is nothing anybody can do
Except make me forget what I want
For a moment
That’s the problem
You cannot compete with what I want
You just can’t
And it’s not fair to you
So that is why I let you go
Because maybe you are what someone else wants
But what I want
Is not flesh
And it never will be again

I wanted to say grace
Because you were going to be so good for me
But I decided to let it be
What I wanted wasn’t something that was holy

I never want to change you
You’re already the way I want you to be
You don’t trust love
So protect yourself but when it’s time be with me

It's there because we are
We just have to choose what's right
It might be for us
But it's always in God's sight

Every time I have a question
It’s only about you and nothing else
I already know what to do
But when am I’m coming off your shelf?

I want to make it seem right
Even if it’s not we can at least have one night
I don’t know why you hold back
When last time it was you who turned on the light

It's there because we are
We just have to choose what's right
It might be for us
But it's always in God's sight

I wondered what I might give for something
someone else dreams of at night; I’d rather know
what makes them think that way and not read
about the dark forces they believed to be real

There is a calm about the flour that covered the
baker; he is a man who has a craft, and whatever
he believes is in his hands; no matter if the story
was written last night or five hundred years ago

He is a part of the walls we pass each day; we
summon a smile for the moments he provides,
but he is the life, the life I want to know because
he does not wear a cape or walk with head bowed

Whatever they summon is made of candles, delusion
and the heart of a mushroom; what we read
comes alive in our minds because  the book is faded;
yet another language can seem just as mysterious

I wonder if worry drove them to this madness; I feel
the power that uncertainty  has in my life; it controls
the grandeur of my dreams for they are attached to the
solutions conspired against by my own weaknesses

But who can reshape the future yet live in poverty and
anonymity; it is the patron who believes in an idea
that can change the world; or maybe they just steal
the idea and pay someone else to write the myth

Would it make a difference if I could called it quicksilver
or mercury; probably not if we were dancing or if you
were crying; none of it mattered to them because what
their graves reveal is that we still don’t know how the feel

Nobody expects anything more than their own gifts can
deliver; the only one that matters is that it matters that
much; everything else is for an observer of life who wonders
why he is so ordinary and sunlight beneath the sea is not

i can't but help thinking about the other side
is it as real as the dreams they once had?
i don't know who decides when it's time, but
i just wish dying didn't have to be so sad

it doesn't seem fair that we can love so much
what are we supposed to do after they leave
we are born and receive their tears of joy, but
then we return them when it's our turn to grieve

it's not right
to think an old man can bury one of his own
it's not right
to love someone a lifetime then be all alone
it's not right
it's not right to read their name on a stone

that is the price we must pay for real love
i'm ready to begin calling out someone's name
thinking about it is how I will live now, but
a dream is not the only reason why you came

i can only live knowing my fate is the same
is the only truth we know the things we conceal?
i wanted to tell you how much I love you, but
love that deep sometimes is too hard to reveal

it's not right
to think an old man can bury one of his own
it's not right
to love someone a lifetime then be all alone
it's not right
it's not right to read their name on a stone

It does not require riches to smile
Or poverty to cry
It does not require a fool to make you laugh
Or a wise man to make you think
For whatever it is you believe
The next person you meet may change your mind
And the next heart beat you hear
May change your life

Are you carrying a silent burden? A memory you wish to forget? I have a few. Some were acts of stupidity that resulted in personal embarrassment. Back in college there was this girl that I liked. She had a new stereo bought for her by her Dad and she asked me if I could help her hook it up. My roommate asked if I needed help and I said no because I was afraid she would like him better than me if he put the stereo together. Look at how my shallowness was imputed onto her. Anyway, I put it together and I spliced the speaker wires together in a way that eventually shorted out both speakers. It was a humiliating experience. And because I was broke all I could do was apologize and slink away in shame.

Once though, I almost died. Climbing a small mountain in Palo Duro Canyon I found myself on a ledge, looked down and froze. I panicked. I had no confidence in the next step. Somehow, I lifted my foot and slowly made my way back to safety. The distance I needed to travel was less than six feet but it felt like a mile. This happened almost 27 years ago and to this day I can break into a cold sweat just thinking about that moment.

These aren’t memories that I wish to deny, but they are memories that cause mental discomfort. I have no one to blame except myself because I put myself into these situations. It's all over now and I've managed to become more prudent yet I still carry the memories (especially the little mountain climb) as if they happened yesterday.

Today, I suffer no loss of pride or ego. Why is that? Somehow I'm able to ignore self-inflicted wounds yet others carry around the pain of trauma inflicted by others.

Trauma can burn a hole into your mind. The hole can be covered up with experiences to the point that it's not noticeable to others, but you know where it is. And you avoid that hole. You build your life around it. It's as if you build a house on top of unstable soil. Instead of building on a solid foundation, you pretend the hole does not exist and move ahead without dealing with the hole. And you know what you have done is defer your problem to the future or you let it affect your life in such a way that you possibly deny yourself pleasure or invite stress because you cannot look into the hole and determine how to fill it permanently.

But what if the hole in your mind was dug by someone else? What if they dug the hole when you were unable to stop them? Maybe they dug the hole and you didn't even know that a hole didn't belong there. Maybe you felt that having a hole in your mind was normal because someone you felt had your best interests at heart was doing the digging.

There is a sign next to this particular hole with one word on it: Abuse. The word on this sign tends to be overused but there are those who need other words to describe their pain because the words hole and abuse cannot begin to describe their trauma. The problem is that society tends to be unforgiving about mental issues because to the naked eye, there is no evidence of a true problem. The human mind is so complex yet we simpletons tend to believe it can be managed very easily. Just do it they say. Just think your way through the problem and its all better.

To me the problem is that the mind does not heal itself like the rest of our body. A cut heals itself. But a severe injury such as a broken bone requires the help of a doctor. We all know this to be true and would consider someone foolish if they did not seek medical attention. Yet when the mind is injured we make fun of people who seek the help of counselors or psychiatrists.

Why is that?

Maybe it’s because we all know we could use help. Yet competency and having your act together is seen as the most important thing in life at times and our ability to day in and day out function under stress is the expectation. It’s been so commoditized that we are tough on ourselves and on others. We struggle through the day with high blood pressure or possibly drinking problems and soldier on instead of calling a mental doctor and just having a chat. This third party can help because they can let you know that you are not alone in your irrational feelings of fear that occasionally creep into your mind.

But, what about that hole in your mind that someone else dug? Why is it a problem? Maybe it was dug long ago and the shovel has been put away. Do you pick up the shovel and keep digging? Why do you refuse to fill it up? Do you feel unworthy? Do you think you somehow are tainted? Do you feel you need to be forgiven? You don’t need to be forgiven because you have done nothing wrong. You were abused. You were taken advantage of. But you retain the right to be happy. The right to a good life. The right to dream and to achieve. But are you not allowing yourself what everyone else seems to take for themselves? They are no better than you.

Yes, it happened to you. Yes, it was terrible and that person deserves bad things for what they did to you. But, this isn’t a conversation about forgiving them because I don't have the right or the insight to tell you to forgive them. That is up to you. But, it is a conversation about healing yourself and looking into the mirror and saying “I’m a human being and whatever someone did to me long ago doesn’t matter.”

Maybe you carry this with you because your abuser made you feel as if you deserved it. You didn’t. You were a child. They were an adult. All children cry, scream, act selfish and make mistakes. You were no different than any other child, but your abuser was different than normal adults. They had an illness or an inferiority complex so profound that they could only make themselves feel better by abusing someone who was helpless. You were helpless. But, it wasn’t your fault and today you should stand up and say “I deserve happiness because I did nothing wrong.”

You have to demand this of yourself. The hole must be filled up with the knowledge of your helplessness in the face of the abuser and with the true belief in your worthiness as a human being to exist in a happy state as others appear to be. You can do this because there is no reason to not believe in yourself. If the one who should have loved you the most didn’t love you then accept this fact and understand that you are lovable. It was their sickness that infected your mind. THEIR SICKNESS; NOT YOURS.

Don’t expect rejection from others because of what happened to you. Not everyone is an abuser. But if you carry this with you then everyone will be an abuser in your mind and you will fulfill a destiny that you have created. Stop looking for the approval of others. They are not God. They are merely human beings just like you and even though they may appear to have their act together, they don’t. Everyone is flawed. So don’t let yourself be intimidated by people; especially because of what happened to you. That is not you. That is only what happened to you.

DON’T LET IT BECOME YOU. And don't make others believe your hole is normal. It's not their burden. Don't dig a hole in their mind. Ask them to help fill yours up.

There’s a baby who was born alone
Hearing a voice he did not know from his own
It would not be the last he would ever hear
From a world that didn’t ask what he had become
He wanted to know how a moment felt
Smiling after someone had left their mark
He saw green meadows that survived the fire
But they have no memory to burn into their heart

It's only a choice until you make it

The crowd can only hear the things they cannot say
Leaves and waves always replenish from stormy skies
But a baby can only live the life it is given today
The path he makes leaves a trail when nature decides
Three paths asked his permission to tell their tale
One to believe in a life that revealed only pain
One to believe in a life where he felt only shame
One was to believe in a dove that had no name

It's only a choice until you make it

Every sound means something to someone who cares
The only thing a baby must learn is how to sell regrets
But there is nothing sure once the forest sheds its secrets
Inside the quiet stands the doubts he must learn to believe
The feelings of a lifetime lurk once he knows it is time
He may not remember but the path he chose will remind him
Whatever final word he wanted to hear was his choice alone
But on this earth the circle only leads him to what is known

It's only a choice until you make it

What a dream once said to me
   is what a dreamer said to you
I hope what I see when I look at you
   is what you see when you look at me
What a dreamer thinks awake
   is what a dream never forgets
I hope what you feel when I touch you
   is what I feel when you touch me
What a dreamer dreams to be
   is inside the dream of another
I hope the way I want to live with you
   is the way you want to live with me
What a dreamer hopes to be true
   is what a dream told me about you

Do you know who I am?
I am someone who wants to help you
I wonder what you think of me
At least during those times when you do
I could never explain myself
I’ve become a bird you watch fly away
But is it out of fear
Or is it only freedom that can never stay?

I will never drown to find myself
I’m as fascinated at what is above as is underneath
But if that is what it takes to find you
I will look inside shells where I can no longer breathe
I listened as life began hurting you
To feel so helpless while someone cries for relief
Is to know how a God came to be
When tears are all I have it is time for a greater belief

What is happening to us?
Every flag is being burned while our hearts divide
My anger is riding beside me
Maybe that is why what I do best is never decide
I wanted to promise you
But I decided to wait until the time was right
Nobody knows when that is
First they must decide between dark and light

Do you know who you are?
You are someone who helps peoples struggles
I see how you so want to be good
But your soft eyes can’t blink away all your troubles
We saw each other’s reflection
What was real was that we saw the same thing
We saw the emotion we carried
And we longed for what a kiss would finally bring

I don’t ask too many questions
At least not that I’m aware
Maybe I do or just maybe I don’t think so
Except that I will if it means something
Like a stranger I’ve come to know

You don’t have to tell me
What you believe is your affair
Perception is when somebody says it’s so
I’ll listen to you even if it’s nothing
I’m not worried about what you know

We can go where the light is quiet
And the darkness loud
All we have to do is let it be so
We’ll avoid the popular crowd
And sing songs in Spanish
About love and tales of woe

I don’t need to know your religion
Or your favorite prayer
It’s not important that you say it’s so
I’ll look into your eyes to find my blessing
And hopefully then I’ll really know

We can go live in the soft climate  
Underneath no dark cloud
We will bury ourselves in the same row
No matter how often it’s been plowed
Our memories will never vanish
Not in the heart of a farmer or a crow

i’m not worried about the sun shining anymore
there’s no prison in my heart
the walls have all burned down

there’s no need for untold stories from before
i’ve survived them all at once
the light became their sound

the sunset survives living on the other side
i learned how to believe in it’s trip
there isn’t any theory about electricity
i came to know the ways of the ship

i brought it indoors underneath my throat
that way it can breathe in peace
without a sword above it's crown

the way you live is safe now inside my boat
the darkening of your skin
my warmth all around

the love we have survives inside the truth
telling each other about our trip
what we can see will never fade from view
not if you believe the sun is my ship

You thought a woman is why I left
You were right about that
You know her well
But not as well as I do

You said I am living in darkness
That is why I now see the light
What shines at night is brightest
It once burned inside of you

How it flew away I’ll never know
What taunts us is our past
The memory softens with time
Each setting sun makes it true

Soon the price will be paid
The blood we shed is dry
The end is the pain of birth
Forgiveness is how we make life new

I said, “I will make my own way”
Across the stolid path’s worn pages
Where the flakes of my burned skin
Spurned the fire that laid them to dry
I tried to find the distance safely away
From the anguish of false sages
Who by their own actions weaken
Their beliefs without knowing why

As sure as the sea, an eternal voice
Must you erode the sand of my choice
The shores that line the hearts edge
Are all that is left of loves pledge
Your fears of your own mortality
Destroyed the life we held dearly

So today is the day
You thought about being old
Your prayers suddenly became real
You saw your Dad in the backseat of a car
Until you remembered he’s no longer there

My eyes were closed
But I was still awake
I saw only grey until a small hole appeared
Inside were tiny pink flowers on a window sill
Now I’m wondering what they were doing there

It’s come down to this
Everything is a sign
It’s not so much about enjoying myself anymore
I wanted to ask someone whose been here before
So I dug a hole just to see if anyone was there

Doing yourself a serious favor
Is trying not to think so much
The answers are the usual questions
I’m not dying young but which way is the door
I drove off I but gave money to a man over there

The way it’s rainin’
It’s just like forgettin’
Pain that lasted a lifetime
Because it was swept away by your love

The way it’s rainin’
It’s just like rememberin’
Love still works
When you decide to let it in

It’s rainin’
Like never before
Summer can wait
For as long as it takes
For the rain
To bring you to my door

An old creek bed still knows what to do
You just have to give it what it needs
You can let your heart dry up
Or let it rain and see where it leads

It’s rainin’
Like never before
Summer can wait
For as long as it takes
For the rain
To bring you to my door

The way it’s rainin’
It’s just like livin’
In her garden
With flowers she planted long ago

Sometimes I think I lived better as a child
I knew how to live for the day
I wasn’t afraid to be the wild one
An angel’s wings swept my worries away

Hello girl with the tilt eyed black hat
I just wanted to know if you like me like that
I don’t want to put you on the spot
But I’ve sent enough hints for the other shoe to drop

You need to know me like I know myself
So unsure of how I can please you
But the face you see may seem too sure
Believe me my love only my doubts are true

This is no dream and the sounds I make are real
In between the times your heart I would steal
And now when caution is killing the one I own
I can only say loving you is not why I am alone

Here we start again
Looking into the same cup
Once so full
We assumed it was gone
But the dust said
Brush me off and start again

If there is one place to live
It would be a forest
On a night like this
Lost from the world
Shadows and moonlight
No day could be like this night

We’re about freedom
We aren’t thieves
Taking life from one another
We know who we are
The characters are the same
But the story changes

I don’t want to live like a shadow
Blinding darkness
We can be sad but not for long
A film noir
Black and white seems so real
But colors are what we feel

I know it now
There is no time to think about the past
I know someone needs my apology
Though we may never meet again, still
Everything they need is in my conscience
Because the stars are always waiting for me

I finally came around
But I pushed myself too far
I wonder why it all had to happen that way
I was trying to be what I knew was right, still
It’s what I once was and what I want to be
Because the moon will always talk to me

I still recognize myself
I never did learn how to relax
Every conversation was like a movie
The ending was never like I planned, still
There’s nothing inside that’s changed
Because the sun will always rise for me

I knew it as a child
But it took so long to believe in it
I used to think about it underwater
I liked the quiet sounds of calm, still
I’m the same person I’ve always wanted to be
Because the only heart I know is inside of me

It's still me

My memories tell me so
As do the winds that blow
And the lands where I may someday go

Though

Melting ice gathers at my feet
And I feel the fire burning heat

It's still me

Time passing the only difference
Yet what I claim to know now
Will someday be known as my ignorance
As it was when I once thought I knew
Why the winds blew
Over the land where I once grew
Into a life that once was new

I know your boy friends name
But not yours
It's better that way
I don't want to be so personal

He let me know as we talked
You didn't react
But you didn't stop talking to me
You touched me when you walked out

You know it's there
Maybe I'll send you some flowers
He'll either love you like you deserve
Or get out of my way

I don't want to steal you
You have to set yourself free
I won't tell you what I'm thinking
You already know

You know it's there
Maybe I'll write you a poem
He'll either **** me tonight
Or ask you to marry him

It’s not the way your smile draws me back to you even when I wasn't invited
     It’s the way you walk upstream when it would be so easy to float away
It’s not the way you paint pictures of your life as if it’s your last day to tell
     It’s the way you love because you know how to let someone be free
It’s not the way you kiss me and show how a woman loves a man
     It’s the way your dignity tells me that no matter what you will be alright
It’s not the way you light up whenever I walk into your life
     It’s the way you would rather be lonely than settle for the easy way out
It's not the way you make love and forget how a lady should act
     It's the way you remind me that a lady is what a lady decides to be

I wanted to speak plainly,
but as nature has reached you,
so should I in the way only love can hear

If you can listen to me now,
while I am still alive, you will always know
of my desire to draw you near

There is nothing left between us,
only desperation, for the time has passed
for lovers to wait for their dreams to appear

I am circling your world, drawn
by your longing for eyes that open at night
to show you what you once watered with tears

I want to whisper to you now,
so that you must come close enough for me
as the exiting calm begins to disappear

I will not touch you until you are ready,
but the hair on our arms will rise before us
as nature's calling will turn fate away from our fears