Long nights,
Party lights,
Way to get it started.

Blurred sight,
Drinks taste alright,
Away the car parted.

Deer in the headlights,
Swerve to the right,
Many trees uncharted.

Prayers recite,
Skull and dashboard unite,
There his soul departed.

She was a child once. A child young
And innocent and full of energy and she
was hurt. Cuts and scrapes can be recovered from
easily. Mindset cannot be replaced. Now,
she wears a neon sign that flashes: Broken.
That screams: Help me. That pleads: Save me.
And yet, her face is a page full of smiles and lies.
She is the girl that every boy wants and every girl
wants gone. She is lipstick smears and
morning after pills and [she is cutting herself in the bathroom
again] She is beauty at the point of dissolve.
Her mask of make-up cracks and in those cracks,
You can see a wall of tears. She was a child once:
a child young and innocent and full of energy.
And now, now she is on the evening news.
She is the daughter every mother is ashamed of.
Docket number 7356. A DUI added to the mix. She
Is the one at the high school reunion everyone says:
what happened to her? And her answer? What is it?
"I grew up." She was a child once. Then she grew up.

You really don't think she's worthy of you?

Okay you get good grades
You've skipped a grade
You won the spelling bee

But are you smart?

Okay she carries a 2.4
She got held back
Okay she can't spell well

But Is she dumb?

You got Into a four year university
She's going to community college

You're now a lawyer
She's now an artist

You're rich and successful
She's rich and successful

You're getting a divorce
She's getting married

You lost your kids In court
She's carrying her second child

It's her 10th anniversary
It's your 10th DUI meeting

You're at your High school reunion
She notices you

You ask her If she's smart
She says no

She asks you If you're happy
do you know what you said...............

I buried all my pain in a 40oz bottle
My mother had once asked me if I was an alcoholic
She found endless bottles beneath the crevice of my bed
It looked like the valley of the shadow of death;
A grave yard of bottles that had been drunk’ to the last drop-
She lined every one across my desk; pleading for some answers
Her eyes were solemn and filled with grief
She must have looked like she aged about 20 years in that moment,
I saw her wrinkles were pained with disappointment
Tears escaped her eyes, I was lost to her.

She walked into my room to watch me sleep for a few minutes and say goodnight,
I was wearing a sweatshirt; only it wasn’t me
It was stuffed with blankets and pillows.
I was in the closet, I felt her disappointed sadden breaths as she peered in at her little girl
She had no idea I was leaving; I left the moment her bedside light when out.
Somewhere there was still a broken little girl who buried her pain in liquor and drugs
When the phone rang during the dead silence of the night she wondered if her little girl would be gone forever
She struck a blow to my sisters face; She had never been faced with a situation like this before
Her first instinct was to blame her for the loss of breath that would not will itself out of my lungs
Her eyes peered in at her little girl;
But this time it wasn’t from her bedroom door-
It was through her blurred vision standing outside an ambulance.
When a pulse was found my mouth began to foam and my chest heaved in spasmodic compulsions
It took me two days to recover; my mother didn’t leave my side.
She must have instantly grown grey hair the second she laid her eyes on my lifeless body

When I went away to Africa she found my drugs, she flushed them down the toilet
Wishing she could flush away all my bad habits
She must have sat in my room and cried numerous times that summer
Her little girl was still lost, even more than she could have imagined.
She didn’t know what to do, so she did what she could-
So she replaced my drugs with bible verses that had been burned into the back of my skull since I was a kid
I came home that summer to open arms, still full of love
But this time it looked as if she must have aged another decade
I walked into a perfectly clean room;
It must have taken days for her to clean.
She didn’t miss a single spot, my drugs we’re completely gone
And I felt pieces of my heart slip away,
I wondered how I could burden the woman who brought me into this world I wonder if she felt all hope was gone

She asked me if I was an alcoholic again
When she found new liquor bottles stuffed between my clothes
And the 24 pack of beer in the far corner of my closet
This time I left; I didn’t come back
She cried and tired to rip my bag from my hands
But the disappointment of her stare burdened me to no extent.
Her little girl was slowly slipping through her fingers.
When I finally came home she still welcomed me with open arms
She embraced me as if I was the prodigal son who had finally returned She didn’t realize I was still lost-

I told her I was going to my best fiends house
We went to Santa Cruz instead;
I was hyped up on coffee, and would soon be so drunk I couldn’t walk
My mom got another call that night; Her daughter had been in a car accident, it was bad-
The entire car was totaled on one of the busiest highways
I looked to the side and a semi was coming full on
I thought I was going to die;
I prayed that God would give my mother some peace about me
That he would somehow get her through the death of her child that has been long coming;
But I didn’t die, because some part of God’s plan wasn’t over
The semi hit us, our car was slightly underneath it;
Death stared at me inches from my face
Yet all I had was a few broken ribs and a scratch that ran along my forehead
I wonder how much older my mother looked then.
I was still lost, did she wonder if there was any hope of bringing her little girl home?

My mother discusses books with me now;
She hardly brings up my past
I can still see disappointment in her eyes
But she somehow looks younger Because her little girl finally came home-
Because even though her nerves want to wake her up at 3am wondering where I am, they don’t
It sounds like quite the story, but imagine reading it through her eyes.

Try to drown my sorrow
Try to  pretend tomorrow
Wont be just another day
Down this road I follow..

But I'm at the bottom of the bottle
Ive went and gone full throttle
Looking back in my rear view
Sobriety.. Is not my motto..

Another rack of *****
I toast each one to you
Thank you for the memories
I relive on my drunken cruise

The radio echoes out to me
And all my heart has come to be
Empty bottles hide the floor
Evidence of my self-mutiny

Had a few too many now I see
The lanes in the road now multiplying
A crack, a smirk, and pop the cork
And run this car into a ******* tree.

I was woven together in my mothers womb,
I was carefully pieced together, like a work of art I went from being a cell to a fully formed being with a beating heart
A slow process of nine months, I was being perfected every detail lightly sketched,
I am a work of art
My mother, such a beautiful face, but in a moments notice that same face became struck with grief
Like a drunk driver speeding on the highway all of these emotions hit her and from those wounds she could not recover,
No, you do not understand she didn't know I was coming, you see that news would come later on
But my mother, my beautiful mother, well, she was ***** and this is where I fit into this story
The visit to the doctor was no easy task,
No, she was torn
Torn between wanting to keep me and also wanting to erase me

MOM!! I GET IT!!
This decision doesn't come lightly, it saddens me to know how much pain this has brought you, how much pain I have brought you
Every single day a new detail is painted, the paintbrush swinging so elegantly, almost like a leaf that flies in the wind
I am a work of art
But you see, my mom, she too is a work of art,
So elegantly put together, the way her hair flows and her eyes tell the story of a warrior,
A person who never stops fighting,
Her eyes so brown like a coffee bean that you smell and instantly smile
That's not even the best part, the best part is the way her lips quiver when she smiles, the sound of her laughter can brighten up any room
She brings people together with just the sound of her voice,

Yeah, you know what? My mom is my hero,
I'm still not here but shes the only world I need to know
She too, is a work of art
Don't you see it?
We are both pieces of art, put together so beautifully that it really is "love at first sight"
I am not here yet, and my mom still hasn't made up her mind,
But I'll tell you this, whether she keeps me or she doesn't that doesn't matter to you
This isn't your story to tell and quite frankly this doesn't concern you,
This song is not your song to sing, so please let my mom take the stage and tell her story through this song

This is the song of a fighter,
The trumpets are roaring,
Her choices are her choices, this isn't your decision to make,
She is both the canvas and the artist,
I am a work of art but my mother, man she's the real masterpiece.

You told me about the time he ***** you
how he got you drunk first so you couldn’t fight  back
how he ripped your clothes off and covered your mouth
but he couldn’t block the scream that tore from your lips when he… when he… when...
When someone else kicked down the door and beat him ******
you finally blacked out
and woke up crying because you still knew it happened.

You told me about what came after
he named it Belle, after his favorite Disney princess
how she was going to be smart like you, and aggressive like him.
she was going to be his little girl.
you couldn’t stomach her, it, that,
couldn’t name it because giving it a name made it real
so you didn’t, you ended it, that, her,
and called it nothing, except “a grand down the wrong hole”
It made me cringe to hear you say that.

You told me about the drugs
how you forgave each other and found a higher power
******.
He dealed, so you dealed, he used so you used
he got in a beef with a rival dealer so you got shot
you tried to get out so he found you two a better god,
****.
You told me it lasted four years
before your brother found out
locked you in a motel room
and watched you writhe and scream and die
how when it was over you felt love for the first time in forever
and it was bliss.
          
You told me about the breakup
how he waited for you after school
grabbed you and knocked you out
how you woke up chained to a bed
naked, gagged, alone with him
how he spent the week torturing you
shocking, beating, cutting, hitting… touching
how he split town after.

Then you told me you lied
he never existed.
You spent a year convincing me I was fixing a girl scarred by the most damning of men
only to tell me that the only broken thing about you was your word.

Your life was so precious
And I took that away
Even though you can't hear me now
There's still some things I need to say..
It's all still so real
And the real pain is in my heart
I loved you then and I love you now
Yet you barely had a start.
Whether a little boy or a girl
You were a blessing either way
Following in the footsteps of your sister
Who would have loved for you to stay.
If I wasn't so selfish,
And If I wasn't so scared
I should have kept you with me
Your life I should have spared ..
Knowing that you would have been mine
But only half of your sister
Would have hurt so many people
And caused such a twister.
But you would have been worth it
And none of it would have mattered
Letting you go is my only regret
That will have me forever shattered
I think about you every day
And wish I would have chosen differently
I wish that I could have you in my arms And feel you growing inside of me.
I was supposed to protect you
But I betrayed you instead
It's the strongest regret I've ever felt
It's a constant pounding in my head.
I still feel u in my heart
Sometimes I swear you speak to me
In ways I can't explain
And I swear sometimes I feel you with me .

I am pregnant with a love
That will never see the day.


-- Eleanor