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Nov 2021 · 114
i am burning
maddy Nov 2021
Feeling an anger that rumbles and rolls in my stomach
as it plots to ***** out fire-y words of disappointment

Trying to tame the flames that tear through my intestines and
rage deep into my heart tissue

I am so angry at you. I am so angry

So heated
I am sweating, I am crying, I am melting,
I am swimming through myself and
my personal pits of fire

I desperately want your cool water to put me out
but you’ve refilled yourself with flammable lies that fuel my wildfires to grow
so big they decimate me

I wonder why there aren’t any sirens,
why isn’t there anyone
to extinguish this feeling inferno

But you are the fireman and
you’ve quit your job
so I am left here to burn myself to the ground, I am left to become ashes and soot

Indistinguishable bits and pieces of myself cover the floor, sitting in one big ashy pile,
but the flame is extinguished.
Why did you feed me fire
if you know how much it burns?
#intense #anger #disappointment #sad #bpd #splitting #mentalhealth #fire #relationship
Jul 2020 · 100
i dont knoe
maddy Jul 2020
dont even know how to put into words
how much i hate feeling

when my heart begins to tender
i succumb to deep bitterness

i hate sharing my feelings
i hate having my feelings

i hate having them for someone
i hate you on my mind
Feb 2020 · 105
front door
maddy Feb 2020
forget that i wasted 17 months
sitting alone in my bed is painful enough
hate myself for waiting around for you
even though i knew you werent there
you couldnt even put one foot through the door

but here i was
not even just one foot through the door
but i already entered the house
somehow ready to throw away my own home
for a ****** one with you

lost myself for a while in there
and there are still bits and pieces lying around
tucked away in little corners
waiting for me to find them
so i can leave that shoddy house whole again

trying to put my foot back out that door
but youre pulling me back inside
and i cant even go breathe fresh air anymore
all cramped up in this shack together
but you tell me its ok

but you see, its not okay
and i wont be locked here much longer
when i find the moment where i feel strong
im bolting out the front door
and i am NEVER looking back
i need help, i need to get out of a very toxic relationship but i cant
Feb 2020 · 115
hahahahahahahahahua
maddy Feb 2020
good new things
bad has ended
tears linger in my eyes

not so sure
how i ended up here
but its a necessary destination

i felt stuck
now im free
but i forgot how to do it by myself

want to go back
but i know its wrong
why is this so complicated
Feb 2020 · 128
alone in my own abyss
maddy Feb 2020
Never to be loved in the same way
always unrequited
oh how it feels so cold
alone in my own personal abyss

Somehow it feels like it never ends
im always falling by myself
no one around to catch me
or to hold me

Clutching myself for something, anything
no one to come bring me back to earth
no one to wrap their arms around me
and to haul me to the ground

Alone and floating
isolated and so tired
never enough to be whole
always enough to recognize it

Won’t someone come
come and bring me home
remove me from the icy grasp
and melt me once again
I am literally stuck in a friends with benefits but exclusive relationship and I feel so alone and whenever I try to leave he doesnt let me. I really wish someone (or he) would love me that would be nice.
maddy Jun 2019
feelings pierce me
gut me
grasp me
**** me

and each and everytime they force me down
they then pick me back up
patch up my wounds
and wait again to pierce my healing scars
this actually is about love but interpret as you will
May 2019 · 306
hard to admit
maddy May 2019
lying to myself
and lying to you
saying I don't love you
but oh boy I really do

heart strong stays strong
throughout the day
but as night crawls in
my tears come out to play

my body aches for love
but only if its yours
and waiting in this grey zone
is covering me in sores

I feel like I'm in pain
with all the feelings I clutter
but theres nothing I can say
because your heart will never flutter
Apr 2019 · 233
cold front
maddy Apr 2019
slowly beginning to feel warm
while cold stealthily creeps its way up your back
crawling into your head
freezing all warmth
and freeing the path for negativity to sink in
:)
Apr 2019 · 1.1k
taste of love
maddy Apr 2019
so succulent
is love as it leaves your mouth

but how bitter and rancid it may be
when it tries to force its way back in
maddy Apr 2019
how can you go from pouring your heart out into me
to mopping up the mess as though it never happened
Apr 2019 · 198
you hurt me a lot
maddy Apr 2019
hurting caused by you is the worst kind of pain
and I never thought you would break your promises
but when they broke they took my heart with them
so I sit here and suffer in silence
as I question what is best for me
I love you like no other, but hate you more than ever
nothing hurts like the feeling of losing you
but my brain reacts the same way when I think of life with you
the love of my life shouldn't be the pain of my existence
yet here I am
stuck between so many options
wishing things never changed in the first place
Apr 2019 · 137
the weather of love
maddy Apr 2019
foothills we’ve walked
and mountains we’ve climbed
over fire and hot coals
and through water and freezing ice
we made it to where we are
in a little happy place

ive come to love the rain
and come to love the shine
all weather with you
is weather that makes me smile
so no matter if its pouring
or blazing down hot sun
any weather i live through with you
is still filled with so much love
Mar 2019 · 163
Sorrow without reason
maddy Mar 2019
Feelings fall freely from me
As if I never meant to keep them in

Sadness pours out of me
Like I wanted it to well up in the first place

Sorrow encompasses me
As if I so wanted to encase myself

For some reason I keep soaking my pillow
regardless of the love that surrounds me

My brain can’t keep its balance
So I find myself weeping over nothing

Somehow my life feels like its breaking
Even though I have no hammer to shatter it

I'm not asking for these feelings
So please leave me alone, won’t you?
Whenever I *** I get so sad:)
Mar 2019 · 220
journey to loving you
maddy Mar 2019
loving your self is a journey

through the deepest swamps
over the steepest mountains
under the heaviest of rocks

you must unravel yourself
from a maze of trees
that may very well blind you
from continuing on your path

but through all of the nature
that may hold you back
you learn resilience
and strength
against all elements and forces

though blindness,
exhaustion, weakness
may seem like they're against you

they truly are on your side
to build your muscle and
give you sight,
expand your lungs

so you can breathe in

breathe a new fresh air of you
a breath filled with love
that seemingly took so long
to hunt for
but the hunt is over
and nature comes to you
and hugs you so tightly
and reminds you

it is not nature in your way
of loving yourself
it is you
I recognize this poem has no structure but that's exactly why I like it:)
Mar 2019 · 154
happy years, happy tears
maddy Mar 2019
I'm so I love with you
that every single
thing you do
makes me smile
like such a ******* fool
and I can't help
but feel the glimmer
of tear drops
over my eyes
as happy floods
every tear
forcing them to just
fall gracefully
down my cheeks and
onto my leg
as thoughts of you
circle and swim
in the tear drops
linger in my eyes
but Im always
loving you
and I'm always
smiling because of
you.
Mar 2019 · 161
little smirk
maddy Mar 2019
one thing that makes me happy little smirk that appears on your face when I realize I've said something you like.
<3
Mar 2019 · 589
cause I love me
maddy Mar 2019
readjusting to things I know
coming to love things I don't

on a self love and self care high
don't need drugs when I've already reached the sky

finding I love the little weird flaws
only patting my back
not scratching with claws

and loving me so has helped me love you
for if I didn't love me
I wouldn't see the things you do

I can open my heart
and believe all you say
because look at me now, it's a new day

chris can you see
that I'm loving me?

cause I'm loving you too
and im always loving we
I have finally gotten to a new path:)
Mar 2019 · 224
silly bean
maddy Mar 2019
You're so silly
make me laugh
words fall out of me
laughter polluting the air

smiles for days
grinning oh so wide
happy smeared across my face
goodness melting into my lips

your humor brings me joy
a smile on my face
laughter in my mouth
thanks for being a silly bean:)
Feb 2019 · 503
broke
maddy Feb 2019
and as you broke my heart
the piece that was yours fell
and got lost
Feb 2019 · 306
you are my sun
maddy Feb 2019
sun is shining
beautiful day
not a single cloud
not a drop of grey

the sun beats down
with its strong rays
feelings of warmth
all in a haze

then the sun lowers
but it doesn't set
it comes to me
and it's warmth I still get

but the sun is a planet,
it can't travel.
well thats where you're wrong
because this sun walks on gravel

my sun is human
my sun is you
my sun is warm
and it never leaves me blue

Chris, you are my sun
and you keep me warm
you keep each day bright
and keep away any storm
I love you Chris... happy valentines day:)
maddy Feb 2019
hate burns
hate seethes
fill up a tub
and bathe in it

soaking in hate
dripping with rage
fresh out of the tub
hate has me coated

feelings of anger
feelings of loathing
seep, sink deep
way into my skin

hate absorbs into me
fills my bloodstream
hate running
through my veins

pumping through my blood
fueling my brain
hate is powerful
it masks my pain

so i take a bath
in all the rage
and hope im unchained
from this dumb ******* cage
why am i so so angry and mad
Feb 2019 · 255
forgotten not lost
maddy Feb 2019
sometimes I forget the things I care about
but I don't leave them behind

sometimes they sit in the back of my brain for months
but they're still around

sometimes I reach in into the depths of my mind
because God knows ill go searching for them again

sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person for forgetting
but forgetting is normal, abandoning is not

you'll never catch me abandoning the things I care for
because they're only ever forgotten, never lost
this is about hobbies not people
Jan 2019 · 138
loving you is like
maddy Jan 2019
loving you is like staring into the depths of the ocean
seemingly never-ending

loving you is like dancing in a rain storm
exhilarating and comforting all all at once

loving you is like being surrounded by forest
vast, calming, and serene

I love loving you
I love you
Jan 2019 · 927
I'm on Saturn (reverse)
maddy Jan 2019
legs crossed

sitting silent

staring down

earth spins

axis slanted

ᴵᴹ ᴼᴺ ˢᴬᵀᵁᴿᴺ

axis slanted

earth spins

staring down

sitting silent

legs crossed
high there... by the way you can read this from top to bottom or bottom to top!
maddy Jan 2019
say I'm not gonna get high
call you to preoccupy
invite me over
think I'm staying
too busy
video games
not staying
leaving
get sad
back to room
want to cry  :(
dont like feeling
now I'm gonna get high

REPEAT
a not so good cycle:)
Jan 2019 · 210
blind
maddy Jan 2019
where am I
I can't see anything around me
engulfed by a storm of blankness
so mind-blowingly numb
not bitter nor happy
no feelings within me
blind to the good of life
why am I sad again
Jan 2019 · 159
Chris
maddy Jan 2019
as I stare into you and you stare into me
I know, I know, we were meant to be

you make me smile more than I have ever
smiles being just one reason I am so happy we're together

home is where I am, whenever Im with you
whenever we're together, theres nothing id rather do

love is like me; complicated, but always trying to be there
and just like love, I always want to be in your life because I care

I know that you're for me, and I know that I'm for you
and regardless of all my ups and downs, I think you know this too

I'm sorry that I can be so much, and so constrictive like a glove
but because theres so much to me, theres so much more to love

I have so much love for you, and as you know it makes me cry
its just so hard to comprehend, and I really wish I knew why

all I know is that being with you is a blessing, one we share together
and Chris I know you hear me say it, but I want to be with you forever

so thank you for being my love, and for being so much more
because if it weren't for you, id be missing part of my core
I love you so much
Dec 2018 · 162
I am this way
maddy Dec 2018
cant tell if I'm doing things right
its what keeps me awake during night

nervous from nerves that I feel
but are my anxieties all really real?

hoping to please my lover
never to bombard or to smother

yet I feel that this is what I do
have myself thinking inside of your shoes

I feel you think I bother and annoy
kind of like a loud kids toy

yet this is not what I strive to be
that's what I keep trying to get you to see

I just worry so much that I fail
hide my worries with a smile like a veil

I try to tell you each of the worries
but I fear I'll be too much and you'll scurry

I overanalyze more than an analyst
I'm like Holmes with a bit of twist

I can't keep my feelings in, good and bad
which terrifies me, I might add

and because of the strength of my clutch
that's why I over think you to much

but chris all I really want to do
is show you that I love you
I am the world's biggest overthinker and I can never tell if people tolerate me or are genuinely OK with it.
Dec 2018 · 391
fleeing feelings, return
maddy Dec 2018
darling don't you love me
like I love you

scared of the strength in my feelings
and nowhere to run to

thinking of you with intensity
a strength that I can't understand

as I fear for my feelings
you readily take my hand

you jump with me so far
down into this void

a void that seems empty
but is really filled with joy

maybe it's less of a void
and more of a pit


but because I jumped with you
I hope I never get out of it
<3
Dec 2018 · 742
Untitled
maddy Dec 2018
your smile radiates love,
and your blue eyes show your soul.
by the awe Ive been struck with,
your filling up the part of my heart with a hole

I love you so
but you already know
but under that Gorillaz tshirt
your love, oh it glows

everything about you
for you I am smitten
inching me closer to falling
fell for you.....

I M A K I T T EN
thanks
was gonna be nice but my bad humor kicked in
Dec 2018 · 280
like nothing else
maddy Dec 2018
i love you like nothing else

the smell of rain could never compare

i love you like nothing  else

the sound of thunder could never compare

i love you like nothing else

the look of lightning could never compare

i love you like nothing else

the taste of humid air could never compare

i love you like nothing else

i may love a big storm, but i love you more
love love love love love
maddy Nov 2018
here i am
so fricking irritated
i cant get on
and i just want to play
so mojang LET ME ON
let me get on some server
or create my own world
i just want to build stuff
thank you
also if you have minecraft
and no longer play
please give me your account
thank you again
this is my rant for today
i know it isnt a poem
i really want to play minecraft guys so if you have an account and wanna let me have it because you dont play anymore, please let me know:)
Oct 2018 · 225
things
maddy Oct 2018
sweet cherries
pretty fairies
things that are good

torrential downpour
what am i here for?
things that are bad

beauty and kindness
down to earth soul
things that are you

love and sparks
both of our hearts
things that we have

you
us two
things that i have

me
we
things that you have

eachother
one another
things that we have
love love love!!
Oct 2018 · 501
a dream
maddy Oct 2018
bathing in honey
surrounded by sweet
dreaming of vast fields
flowers under my feet

beauty in the scent
that swims through the air
feeling so free
hands in his hair

staring at stars
that cover the sky
he holds my hand
and i feel as though i could fly

although im on the ground
and its silent, not a sound
i feel it start to happen
my heart begins to pound

so much joy overcomes me
as i lay in the flowers
as i look to my right
i know i could be with him for hours

so much love and content
nature kissing me so
i appreciate his presence
and smile to let him know
i love him
Oct 2018 · 442
sun
maddy Oct 2018
sun
a tickle in my cheeks forms,
as a smile drapes across my face.
light shimmers in my eyes ,
as i stare into the sun.
the sun is blonde and kind,
and smiles when i smile.
did you know the sun has eyes?
i did.
theyre quite beautiful actually.
the sun is soft,
you dont burn from its touch,
but it definitely lights a fire.
a fire that begins from the deepest inside
and spreads quickly to your surface.
that tickle in your cheeks?
it never goes away.
that smile sprawled across your face?
permanently singed onto you.
so you squint as you stare at the sun
because you never want to lose that feeling.
more love <3 <3
Oct 2018 · 274
flora and fauna
maddy Oct 2018
captivating stare
eyes deep blue
shimmer and glints
they care for you

soft cheeks
kindest smile
talk for years
walk for miles

hands intertwined
warm embace
nervous laughter
grinning face

graceful movement
cloud-like lips
id be happy stranded in the ocean
if you were the ship

not strung along
same spot together
feelings for you
like sunny weather

i smile with you here
i smile with you gone
if my smiles were a garden
they'd fill up a whole lawn

there'd be fauna, there'd be flora
flowers blooming like its spring
this garden of mine is full
and cant wait to see what it brings

colour bursting out of petals
not a thorny stem in sight
each time we pick a flower
the day grows to be more bright

youre the sun and the moon and the stars
youre the clouds and the sky and the sun
youre the day and the night and between
thank god for the washing machine
<3 <3 <3 <3 :) :) :) :)
Sep 2018 · 162
the summer
maddy Sep 2018
sunshine
honey dew

pew pew pew
shoot the water gun

summertime
flower

raindrop
on a petal

sitting
hot metal

bench, old man
reaches out his hand

spent all my money
french fries
Sep 2018 · 245
this is clearly what i want
maddy Sep 2018
this is not what i want. this is not what i want. this is not what i want. this is not what i want. this is not what i want. this is not what i want.
i cant handle this right now, tonight is awful
Sep 2018 · 160
?
maddy Sep 2018
?
im so confused and it makes me sad
said it there ^
Sep 2018 · 198
finally fine
maddy Sep 2018
finally starting
to feel better
baby I just
burned your sweater

memories gone
but thats okay
I didn't need you
anyways

the sky was dark
but now it's day
it's become clear
I had no say

I'm glad youre gone
cause with you here
anxiety beckoned
beside my ear

a constant worry
that swarmed my face
has been blown away
to outer space

I'm safe on my own
but in not confined
by your chains and restraints
I'm finally fine
cheers to feeling better
Jul 2018 · 1.4k
stuck
maddy Jul 2018
how is it that months later I'm still stuck to you

no speaking, nothing, I'm stuck to you

I haven't seen your face yet im stuck to you

and my heart can't calm down because I'm stuck to you

I want nothing more than to be unstuck from you

but I can't let you go, I'm stuck to you
can you tell that i feel stuck?
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