Always..
it's always going to be my fault

No matter what you did or what you said
it will be my fault

Even the lies you tell
will be my fault

The love you gave and the love you lost
will be my fault

The pain you feel and the tears you shed
will be my fault

The agony and the injustice of it all
will be my fault

And the punches I took and the bitter words you spat
will be my fault

The obsessive
possessive
jealous
rage
you poured upon me
will be my fault

The others you slept with and threw in my face
will be my fault

The secret child you made
will be my fault

and so I left you

that will not be my fault

that would be yours.

You hold grudges,
as if you've 
never wronged anyone 
yourself.

You bear grudges,
as if you 
don't know how 
much it hurts 
to have one 
against yourself.

Remember what you've done.
Remember how it feels.

**© Sarah Ahmed

Tension is the result of holding on to the insubstantial.
It's unnatural
It takes effort.
You ask for an effortless life,
then laugh,
for laughter is release
Relax
Be grateful for what you don't have to keep

music isn't happy
music isn't sad
music tells a story
a story that drives us mad.

I don't really have insomnia
I just live with regrets
even though I know I shouldn't
my time would be better spent

I sometimes dream of things
what it would be like if
we had never met

Or if those few moments
led to something different,
anything would be better
nothing about you to be drawn to

I know what I have learned
through my youth
wasted on you
there is just that one thing...

I've been driven insane
gnawing on the concept
willing to live through the horror again
just to be given the chance to change it

It has been said I'm where I need to be
but this has held me back
I can't even give myself sympathy
because I know I'm just pathetic

I need to shine my light again
but the panic settles in
between that and the sleepless nights
I can't say that I will be fine

I never thought I'd be condemned
by giving everything I am
ridiculed for what gave me strength
dampening the flames at long length

If I had known all it would take
I'd have stepped on your stones long ago
I bet you didn't expect that you'd help make
someone better than you'll ever know.