One day I will be writing happy poems
about strength and courage
and what it feels like to be in love with yourself, unafraid to be alone
I won't look back and think maybe we could try again, or start over or try harder
One day I'm going to wake up and not feel bitter and angry
I will have forgiven you and myself
I'll be doing the dishes and think to myself how long it's been since I've thought about you, about us

One day I'll take a deep breath of relief
but today, I will write sad poems about heartache, anger and what it feels like to be alone

I'm left wondering if anyone is
really worth taking up your space
and your time,
if anyone is worthy of trying to take you in, wrap you up, make you theirs
pluck you like a pretty flower and take away your air  

why should they be aloud to come in and mess you all up
and make you believe in something that isn't
and take all those little pieces of you that were once what made you,
YOU
the good stuff, the real stuff, the things that made you beautiful inside,
before they stole them, or **** on them or made you feel like they weren't worthy of being

that's what happens when people think they fall in love,
all they are really doing is stealing precious roots from a person's soul,
changing them up to make them the person in their mind that they want you to be, not who you truly are

I'm left looking at a reflection of a person that I have no idea who that is, just a shell with my face on it,
an empty stomach and an even emptier heart
because someone told me they loved me and stole all of my light to take for themselves
too greedy to let a beautiful thing bloom

I guess after so many trys
and so much time,
it really is best to look forward when
what was had is lost forever

no matter how hard I try to look
or even however hard I might force myself to want it to be the same

It just isn't

I've always been interested in hearing other people's dirt on their relationship
probably because it's nice to know someone else out there is just as miserable as I am

Happiness in a relationship is all temporary
A facade of what people think is normal life
Rather fake it till you make it
over actually going out and being it

But I don't want to spend my life
being quiet and silencing my soul
even I can't tame my heart to a truth it wasn't meant to have

I've always lived for someone else
this time I want to try to live for me

These past few years you have made me forget that I am still fire
I am still strong and powerful and capable
You have done your best to take all the best parts of me
and turn them into something useful only for you
but there is still that roaring heart inside my chest

For awhile I forgot that I used to be hell on wheels
miss independent with a kick in my step
ready to take on the world with an iron fist
I used to be the girl who rolled over men like you
put them in their place and said forget it

I am a volcano erupting
An ocean of feelings that are okay to feel
The loud parts of me are what make me burn beautifully
The parts of me you don't like me to show are okay too
I shouldn't have to be quiet about my flaws
because love is supposed to accept them anyway
if love is even what we can call this anymore

When my insecurities come out you leave welts on my skin
from being so hateful towards my most fragile pieces
when I am breaking you only help me shatter
by throwing stones big enough to break down whole buildings

All of me that makes me who I am is not appreciated by you
it is NOT fair for me to live hiding and walking on eggshells
to make sure you are happy, the only one of us who apparently matters
supposed to be partners in this life instead I am your servant

but Oh you are never wrong, you never want to hear it when I am bleeding my heart out all over the floor
I am a mess you just step over because heaven forbid you get your shoes wet

I have dreams that he dies a lot
Either by getting shot by someone or hit by a car
in those dreams I am always looking forward to a new future
a clean slate
I think it's obvious my dreams are a sign that he is actually the one killing me
slowly, mentally
I would never wish death upon someone
but is it fair that he has killed me multiple times?

How could you have let someone speak to you like that?
How did you put up with it for so long?
You gave so much of yourself away
it wasn't fair
you did everything for him and he drained you
he never even noticed if the floors were swept and mopped
but I bet now he does
he spoke to you like you were trash
now I bet he sees how fast it builds up when you don't take it out
You raised his son all on your own
but he took all the credit
I bet now he knows why you felt so alone
Now it's too late and he took you for granted
You shine for the old you
You be the girl you were always meant to be without him
You be the girl you always wanted to be back on those morning he would talk down to you and say nasty things and make you feel like you were nothing

The fan is on, the constant hushing sound adding rhythm to the room
I can hear the hum of cars passing by outside my window
a added sense that I am not alone even though I am here by myself
Novembers cooling touch has crept in
nipping at my toes, drying my already dry pale skin
my favorite time of year when life seems to slow down, putting a glow on the usually bland days
here in my bed under the warmth of my flannel blankets all is right with my world
but my brain still finds something to bring the anxiety out
I thought if I started writing down my thoughts on paper it would lessen the night time stress
but then I stress about not writing on the nights I forget
the streetlight outside my window flashes a constant shadow on my wall
and I find comfort in that
something about the added light on my wall is friendly, familiar
when my brain finally shuts off I fall into dreams of my past
of people I haven't seen in years, all the stories blend into one
repeating like a rerun
at least I still have dreams
even if they're only in my sleep