I’ve left my heart
in 4 places
The first,
in your eyes- silvery
like two pieces of sea glass,
like two never coming back’s,
like two question marks
The second,
in your warmth
an aura of fireplaces
crackling with all the times I wish I could touch you,
you are so so so far away, and I still need you, want your lips so badly
The third,
in your familiarity
the sound of gasping for air between laughs,
the image of your face,
the incessant shaking of a polaroid
The fourth,
in a place
where electricity buzzes underneath the sidewalk
and pretty girls, beautiful boys
walk around like sculpture skulls,
where music lives and thrives and flourishes,
where I will find you-
a place to finally rest my heart on

There’s this oil rig town covered with a conglomerate of tall silver towers emitting a constant stream of smoke, in the daytime it looks like piece of sidewalk, but in the nighttime it looks like New York City’s younger sister with bright eyes and smoke swirling from a genie’s lamp and I swear everything destructive looks beautiful at night, including you.

your eyelashes
bat like they’re waving hello flirtatiously,
and our shoulders brush
like two lovers stealing a final kiss,
we laugh like mountains moving
and thunder rolling
and we talk like the static on an old radio
my heart has tuned (doomed) itself to
a never-ending replay of you humming underneath your breath,
breathe everything you are into me
like remorseful resuscitation
you ask me
whether I like the boy with Friday nights in his eyes,
and I act demure,
like my skin doesn't get warm whenever you smile,
like my hands don’t yearn to be entangled with yours,
like I don"t get pulled into everything you are

my friends will poke and ****
to make me profess
“you love him!”
and I just shake my head,
because this is a love best kept
in a box at the bottom of my chest
where it is heavy and secure,
free from outsider’s ears

on Saturday nights, I will send winky faces
and blush at other boys
and I will tell you all about it once I crawl into bed
and listen to your voice wrap around me like a home,
you have become my home,
sweet home

on Sunday mornings, I will picture her
spreading her love on you like a rose pink watercolor
and kissing you like fast cars and green green green lights
and you, looking at her
all wide-eyed and bold fists
and I will ache
but I will amend.

I am from loud voices. Ones that never hear you ask for a cup of water, a breath of fresh air, or a hand to hold. I am from wrinkly grandmas without grandpas because they are far above Indiana, meeting God with a warm sunshine smile-- finally forgiven. From cigarette smoke and the phrase “I’ll stop when I’m skinny”, "no, I don't believe you I know we’re all addicted to something." We have to remind ourselves of how easily we perish. From big scoops of ice cream while my dad tells me that my grandmother used to be beautiful.  From women who only talk about grocery store prices because they have spent their whole lives at the checkout counter, waiting for a man to tell them they were worth more than celery sticks and strawberry wine. From boyfriends and girlfriends, cousins that take their date to the shed and kiss strawberry wine soaked lips and whisper, “I need you. Please do not leave me.” like a family heirloom. We've always confused the words need and love, they roll off tongues like sinister synonyms. From boots that were made to walk out. Leave. And then come back, dressed in apologies. From becoming an apology. From boys that look at my younger cousin, my babygirl and call her baby. They make her forget the times she was brave, kiss her so hard that she forgets that I believe in her, that God believes in her. From wide-eyed girls that fall in love with boys whose first word was "take". From curly hair and soft edges. From mistakes that no one forgets. From men who wear anger like a wedding ring, punch fists into shed doors and jaws. From sweet tea and, I know I sound like a country song, the best apple pie you've ever tasted. From exchanging recipes like tokens of appreciation. From never quite knowing how to say goodbye. From passing city limits with tears in your eyes, the same ones you cried when you thought you had to stay.

ships roll in the night
pass each other like
strangers on the street,
we wave

last night felt like
all the times I had forgotten
or fallen short
were released into the starry night sky
or maybe into the waves like wavering wishes,
we laughed

is it trite to say
we did it because we were young?
the night was alive with the rest of our lives
and I know that this morning
you are all in cars,
old homes,
and listening to your parents tell you they can't trust you anymore-
but I hope you don't forget
the friendships forged
over moving bodies
and songs we sung along to loudly
and I hope you remember what it feels like
to be young and capable of big mistakes and mysteries
I hope you remember the stars,
we looked

I promise to not
forget,
these moments are fleeting
and happen so sporadically
that I must ingrain the way his eyes shone
into my memory;
I'll keep the laughter like a memory box
in my heart,
we loved

real, young love that tastes
like melted ice cream
and a salty ocean kiss on old freshmen scars,
it was a love that held each other's hands
and giggled in harmony,
we sailed

into the horizon
with freedom on the tip of our tongues
and our back to
the towns we came from,
the boys, the girls
that broke our hearts,
the time that we thought about dying-
no we were flying in the breeze, I promise you,
we danced.

I'd have sung to
the strum of your guitar

I'd have danced around
while you smiled crooked
and laughed like thunderclaps

I'd have held your hand
and rubbed my thumb against
freckled skin,
finding affirmations tucked in
the crevices and cracks of hard-working hands

I'd have kissed you
in the sunshine,
on the back porch,
while the sun set,
while mosquitoes flew around our heads,
in your bedroom,
listening to your favorite soundtracks,
backstage,
underneath table cloths,
next to your best friend

I'd have touched you
like lightning bolts,
caught all your storms
in jars,
worn your soft skin inside and out
and told you all my kindled secrets

if you'd have let me
I'd have loved you like a summertime

how much do you love her?
do you love her
like the Arizona mountains
that whisper to the sunsets that they are
magnificent paintings
rather than just a blushing sky

do you love her
like the Aztec ruins
with graceful ghosts of
****** sacrifices
that roam the rock and fallen shrines-
I bet there was a love like yours here too
I bet lustful eyes shared gazes here
once, too

do you love her
like a deep cave
with water falling for the
oil pastel walls
and with the echo songs of my past confessions,
my desperate pleas for your affections

do you love her,
please look me in the eyes
and tell me
she never compared
to the possibilities that my body holds
tell me boy
that you could give her up
and run to me
in summer
with fireworks bursting around us
and our limbs entangled..
please
be with me
give her up
be with me

you hand me my body back.
it is naked
and you have written “i wish
i could”
on my chest in red lipstick
emotionless, and limp
you leave me on the steps.
i always seem to ruin things

Here you are
somehow breaking my heart again-
this time
in a different way,
by betraying your own body
trading self- righteousness for substance

you are a Noah,
you are brave
in a way that I have never seen in any boy before
baby,
I see constellations that fill more than mason jars
in your mind
your fingertips drool with dreams
and your eyes are large in love with life itself
and you let these people steal your stars
like thieves
that cannot seem to come up with a better escape route

I know her hands look like exit signs,
and her hips make you forget all the times
your father called you less than a man
but your laugh still sounds like
a plea
for peace,

i know you are more
simple
and it breaks my heart
i promise you it does
to watch you
get less than what you deserve
out of this world--
step back Noah,
look at the ark you built
the floods of God
left you untouched and holy
let your pure light shine
because I cannot stand by any longer
to see it dimmed

Your name burns
at the base of my stomach,
it tastes like flames
when I say it
but I continue to swallow,
big gulps
that drown out the ringing in my ears

I wonder what it would have felt like
to kiss your lips,
taste the fire in your heart
blood red lust
like innocence dressed in her mother’s lipstick
to trace the outline of your freckles
on soft uncharted skin,
I wonder what it would have felt like
to be your cartographer
to sail the high seas in your iris
and find sand in between my toes
after every visit

I keep imagining the things I would say
if we had met at a different time
I could have started by throwing matches
into your puddles,
and noticing how you smile like sunlight
glinting of the ocean

you are across the world
exploring,
mapping your own skin
and sailing with a crew called options,
they beckon your name
and make you forget that our hands ever brushed,
that we ever exchanged smiles
like two preschoolers
making engagement rings out of fruit loops,
you’re standing tall and brave
shrouded in the peace of letting go
while, I,
wait at the port
for you to return
knowing at the base of my stomach
that you will pass me by on your way home.
“land, **!” means refusing to
acknowledge my tedious “hello”
you will step on my apologies
like the creaky old boards of a ship,
and I will become the tide
lapping at your bare feet

I’m typing to you my confession.
as you read,
I hope you imagine the quiver in my voice
when I say your name
and you’ll picture me eyes cast downward,
stomach twirling
hair flying in all directions,
let’s imagine I’m telling you this on the streets of New York
since we always talked about living there,
and hopefully you’ll imagine me in red lipstick
and with my hair curled
because that’s always when I feel the most confident.
what I’m
trying
to tell
you is
you’re my Northern Lights.
a strange, nebulous wonder
that enchants every cell in my body,
I cannot figure you out
no matter how close I think I am to solving your endless mystery,
and I want to spend my nights
wrapped in your arms
looking into your eyes
and softly whispering my words into your ears...

LET’S LISTEN TO THE BLACK KEYS TOGETHER
LET’S WANDER THE STREETS
AND PRAY THAT WE DON’T GET SHOT
I have always swallowed your bullets.
the most deadly one is when
you tell me about her,
your Northern Lights girl
who doesn't need red lipstick to feel beautiful.

and i think that’s the saddest line of poetry I have ever written

falling in love with you has always
been subway stations,
it has been falling through cracks
and braving alley-ways
there’s not enough story lines in the New York Times
to make us
dance in the streets together,
drunkenly in love with one another
at last
and i need to stop picturing
your face whenever i hear the phrase “meant to be”

Here is me,
tears dripping,
lips quaking,
walking away from your figure
and praying
that darkness
won’t lead me back.

there are no tall oak trees
or gray rainy days to distract from
people,
just flashing smiles
and intertwined fingers
dancing in warmth.
sunshine souls made honest by the heat,
I want to spend my summertime
absorbing so much Vitamin D
that you can swallow me
like your morning pill.

Your screensaver on your phone was my name spelled out in large, block letters. I avoided you by slipping in early to math and hiding behind lockers and lunch tables. This is the first time I learned to run away.

2. We held hands in the dark, and whispered into each other's ears. Your new girlfriend is sweet. I understand why she is not your secret.

3. I saw fireflies light up in your eyes.

4. I knew you never liked me, but I still kissed you anyways.

5. You told me 6 months ago that you loved boys. I've never been more proud of you.

6. I smiled at you the other day and you ignored my existence. I swear I heard every bone in my body break.

7. You slipped into my back porch door and I smelled a party, midnight, and her on your breath. My hands have never felt clean again. I hope she doesn't love you and her hands feel like knives in your back.

8. You are the recipient of all of my flaws. I'm so sorry you never knew me. Please continue to pray.

9. I think I loved you since the day we exchanged a pencil in sixth grade. I know we will never end up together, but it sure is nice to have a best friend.

10. It was all a mistake. My name burns the roof of your mouth but you continue to drink. You'r drowning in your own bitterness and desperately trying to fill your lungs with her laughter.

12. You were the first boy to ever tell me I was beautiful and truly mean it. I felt the word warm my skin and give me goosebumps. Your "beautiful" held no fine print, no bad intentions... no conditions.

13. You are sunshine and flowers petals tucked into shirt pockets, behind wisps of hair. I wish time had allowed us to...

14. Maybe next time I can muster enough courage to write a poem about the lightning bolts in my own limbs. I am trying to be done waiting on you. I am learning how to love myself.