How could I be so naïve
As to fail to realise
It's you I love
It always has been.

But could my best friend
Ever become my boy friend?
Somehow i think not
It's highly unlikely.

If I told you
That I loved you
Could you ever love me back
Or would our friendship go off track?

Complete;
That's what you make me when we touch.
Never;
That's how often touch me.
Happy;
That's what I'll never be.

You told me you loved me
As much as there were stars in the sky
Then you shattered my heart into twice as many pieces

You always warned me
About the dangers of selfharm
Because you had been there,
Yet now;
You are the one who causes me to pick up the blade.

And when you promised
Oh so many times
That you wouldn't,
Couldn't leave me
I actually began to believe you.
It was the start of my insanity.

We had plans to move South
Start a life together
Start a family together.
The only thing we started together in the end
Was my slow descent to insanity through depression.

How is it possibly
To completely loathe the person
Whom I love more than life itself?
Although I suppose it wouldn't be too difficult,
After all,
I hate my life so much I'd end it in the blink of an eye.

I was addicted to it, in its entirety.
I was addicted to the feel of it in my hand
And to the way it felt on my pale skin,
I was addicted to its scent
And to its welcoming friendliness.
But most of all I was addicted to the undeniable escape it gave me,
An escape like no other,
An escape that couldn't be offered by anything
Or anyone
Else.
An escape that my friends could not provide
That my family didn't understand
And that my enemies loathed the thought of.
Because as I drew it across my pale skin,
I forgot about the mental pain I was going through
And focused
On the physical pain I was forcing upon myself.
I replaced my mental pain
With my physical pain
And it felt good.
Too good.
Slowly but surely
I grew more and more addicted
To its sweet sweet scent
And its blissful feel
And its so called escape.
The only problem is
I don't want to escape from the mental pains anymore
I want to escape from the mental torture
Which forces me to pick up that blade
From time to time when I'm feeling low.
I don't want to force the pain upon myself anymore
But the pleasure
That comes with that pain
Makes it impossible to stop.
It's addictive...
Highly addictive.

You said I was like a sister to you
I knew that was how it would be
Well still I can't stop loving you
Despite the pain it may cause

Now I write you down on this page
Hoping one day maybe you'll see
You are the only for me
And I the only for thee

So hold me close, tightly
Just this one time
That maybe you could warm to it
The idea of you and I

And if you ever could love me
Let me know right away
For im sure the pain it would **** me
Waiting just waiting for you to come by

I don't sleep much
But when I do,
It's per chance of dreaming of you.

For B,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I cannot bare to speak to you.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
But most of all,
I'm sorry you couldn't love me.

And if what you quoted to me was truth,
I miss you too.
And what you thought was correct,
I am trying desperately hard to forget you.
It's just not that easy.

I wonder if you still think of me.
If you still check up on me
As I do you, more often than I'd care to admit.

But darling if you ever read this,
I want you to know
That I did love you.
And despite everything I still do.
I'd give anything to erase these past few months
And go back to how things were
When I could hear your name without wanting to **** myself.

I miss you,
Love,
              L