Blood shot eyes making contact in the mirror,
pleading with the bleeding brain not to think, not to care.

Impaired and unshowered.
Denial runs deep.
Wide eyed and disheveled.
The only thing you ever commit to is drinking yourself to sleep.

And while you slowly ****** yourself,
I toss and turn, dissecting your thirst for freedom
and my adoration for all things unattainable
I try to be more like you; you're talented at being numb

Just how bothered would you be to see our similarities?
And how do you justify acting so different as to yesterday?
Would you be surprised to see that we're both sabotaging ourselves in such noticeable ways?
And how do you sleep at night knowing you could've had me there?
Do you wake up to the memory of my smile and pour another shot, let the alcohol repair?
Or are you convinced that, in me offering myself to you, I have served my purpose?
Am I yet another sentimental soul that fell for your twisted ways and was left feeling worthless?

Please, tell me, am I still myself after you've worn me down to sagging shoulders and blackened lungs?

Not enough strength left within to hold you up on your pedestal
No matter which disguise you wear
No end to confusion, but it's time to stop asking for answers
or for you to care

The woods are burning
I know that all I've done is not enough
I'm constantly lowering my ideals
Everybody around me is so false, yet
There's always hope for a diamond in the rough

A big blaze going on all around
Don't you care whether we live or die?
Our brains are fine machines
Too capable of judgment and worry
I'd love to shut them off

Trapped by flames
They move faster than any vehicle I've seen
Alienation is only a weird word until you feel it
Thinking thoughts that fuel the fire faster
Than any accelerant ever could

everything's different than how it was
can't even forge a truce
memories covered in such a fog
i try so hard it hurts
just try so hard and bury it all
but this love was always a curse
and instead of forget, into it, i fall
and end up feeling much worse

everyone wore black and looked dark and felt darker
it was sunny when the day began, but it started pouring
i think the devastation accumulated to unbearable amounts
the heavens couldn't even stand to watch

my car almost got swept off the road by the rain
but i had hoped you'd guide me back
i like to think that i got there safe because of you
but it was probably just wishful thinking

there was too much powder on your nose in the casket
a desperate attempt to hide the inevitable decay
and that made my stomach lurch into my throat
i had to turn away

i watched your sister fall apart before that wooden box
that held your shell
and there are no words to describe how that felt
all i could do was let the tears slide down my cheeks

the first and last time i saw you, you climbed an enormous evergreen
even with your blown out knee
and i knew then you were special
i was worried you would fall, yet you seemed so invincible
i found out soon that i was wrong

still i imagine you somewhere grabbing onto branches
swinging yourself up
smiling wide
fearless

**

if you saw me now, you wouldn't be quite sure who i am
who am i? who are you?
i've always had something that you lacked
but if you're really gone, then the sun sets now
pull down the curtains, drown the doubt
because that was what i'd always wanted
when i drove away from you

some people aren't supposed to be together
and some people aren't supposed to be apart
and we know we're not the first
well since that's true then tie the bow on the present of
me leaving you behind
so you can drown yourself next winter in the snow
and i can get on with my life

and i still wonder from time to time if you
grabbed your pillow at night and cried as hard i still sometimes do
you probably don't - not for me
you save all your tears for you
just like always, selfishness wins
removes any trace of the right thing to do

morals are something you don't want to be confronted with
your actions are what you bury, pretend they don't bother you
when you're confronted, you defend
arms crossed against your chest
always up in arms against me

so i ran from you for once, like i always wanted to
started over, shook my life of everything to do with you
still you're there, like a ghost, haunting me from the past
i can feel you thinking about me
if you want to apologize, if you want to come near me
you can watch me drive away so fast

and this summer, maybe you'll see me somewhere
maybe the mall, or the streets, or the coffee shop
i'll be happy, i'll be laughing, i'll be who i ******* am
since you say you don't know me, and you don't,
stay the **** out of my head

Being tied down isn't something I like
You say that's alright, but still it's something I fight
Yet why do I?
I should appreciate being free
For once, I get to do things for me
But I am still filled with anxiety

Restless, staring up at the ceiling
Wondering where this crazy ride will take me
Hurting when I wake up, fine by noon
Panic attack at sun down, exhausted by the time I see the moon

Depending on anyone else is foreign and unwelcome
I know that I can only depend on me
But it is hard with the past haunting me and the future stalking me

I'll probably get in my car and drive so ******* far away from here this summer
That's the best thought I'll have tonight
You'll be thinking "Oh ****, I lost her"
And I'll already be at the state line

I'll smile so much, knowing I won
Free and at ease, the good times will have just begun
It's not even May yet, but it's all I think about
Driving as far away from here as I can
The distance erasing all of this ******* self doubt

I write to make things make sense for me.
Even if what I write is about you, it never is, really.
Writing is the one thing I allow myself to do just for me.
So much chaos, and such a desperate need to see clearly.
Putting traumatic events and rollercoaster emotions down in writing, down in order, helps more
than letting nagging thoughts eat me alive behind my brain's closed door.

You fell down asleep in the snow.

No more excuses; you've been informed for years.

Did you know it's your own fault you're all alone?

It's hard to feel sympathetic towards you and your tears.

You told me not to cry when I stood beside your hospital bed.

Wouldn't you cry if your hero fell apart year by year before your eyes?

You have let your selfish pain cause you to be so terribly misled.

I've been disappointed for so long due to your endless lies.

And though you have no guts to stand up for anyone or anything,

you have the nerve to ask me why I say goodbye.

And I ask you why you drink.

Both have similar answers:

To try and get rid of the pain.

We can't get clean, too tainted
Brutal words dirtied our mouths
Pushed together then yanked apart
Dissected, diverted, polluted
Hearts beating too fast or too slow
Never a normal rate, never resting
Snow buries the memories, and words do, too
Used to read you your horoscope
Hoping it would have something to do with Scorpio
(that's my sign)
But it never did, and our signs actually were destined to be enemies
I believe in signs, and I ignored them all
Because I happen to believe in miracles
But our hearts oozed out into the gutter that day
As I stared at the insanity built like a wall between us
I still fear it will never come down
You locked yourself in the car
Loving someone can drive you mad
And I'm not okay with that anymore
I want to be alone and read books
And enjoy my world without you
Because I can't remember being without you
But I can't remember your face anymore, either
Just the pulsing veins in your jaw
Like I spent years wrapped up in unreliable static
I am grateful the memories are starting to fade
I don't love you anymore, yet I don't love you any less
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year
From a few hundred miles away

Zombified and out of breath
Terrified there's nothing left
I ask myself why I feel this way
Miserable day after miserable day
Of course I smile sometimes
But I never forget my crimes
And you are never off of my mind
I wish I would have been more kind
****** doesn't take away the pain
I try to get your attention, but it's all in vain
Nothing I can do will make this alright
My eyes are never dry and my mind is black as night
It's rotting from the inside out
There is no more clear route
I'm tossing and turning and dying with each try
To correct my wrongs, to erase my lie
You said you'd always be there when the going gets rough
But you had much more than enough
And I cannot honestly blame you
And I'm sorry for turning into who
I said I'd never be, and doing everything to you
I said I'd never do.

i have many regrets that keep me up at night
shielding me from morning light, they make sure i'm locked up tight
in my world of black and white and
i bet you can guess which side i reside

not by choice, but i can't find the light
people are often saved by words, so why can't i be, too?
on and on i push, break down, pull through
that means nothing to me, but you say it means something to you

getting up when i fall down just feels like what i have to do
eyes tired, black like charcoal, and i promise to see through you
facades of happy days and getaways are just that - getaways
getaways from truth, reality, and what you really want to say

i am never promised anything day after day
but it is strange to always feel this way
but i'm stuck in my world of black and white
and i'm afraid that i'm here to stay

Everyone thinks they're trying their best
But they are blinded by the world's expectations
Desperately needing intense mediation
Preferably a staged and detailed intervention
Telling them observation is not a new invention
They need to let go of all of their rising tension
Kick back and listen to their record collection
Wave hello, call a lovely person, prepare a confession
Start a new life without their prized possessions
Quit their job and begin a laid back profession
You shouldn't have to choose between life and love - there should be a simple fusion
It's there, waiting for you to see it - the best and happiest solution
Stop the expectations, begin the realizations
Be happy being who you were always meant to be
A real, emotional, complex yet simple human being
Full of wants and dreams
You weren't born to be a machine
So...

**stop acting like it.

If half of my heart is asleep, then which side do you want to keep?
I'll let you decide, until the sand runs from the tides,
and that is all the time you'll have.

If your soul is locked away, how can I see it light as day?
I'll let you be honest with me, until the burden on your chest can breathe,
and that is all the time you'll have.

If time goes fast, how does something really last?
I'll let you explain, until I forget about all of this pain,
and that is all the time you'll have.

If we decide to be together, will you love me through whatever weather?
I'll let you make up your mind, and if we both decide in kind,
then who knows how much time we'll have.

How is it possible to feel everything so much, and feel it all at once?

Those hands through my hair become his hands through my hair and then this.

This.

If I wasn't half asleep, I'd say there's something that I missed.

But remembering how it feels sinks deep down within me; I bury things so I can breathe.

Doesn't everybody?

If I figured it out too late, you
would possibly know that I don't have a clue
But maybe that's something you already know
Feel, touch, there's no going slow
And if there was something I would need you to hear
I'd whisper it in your ear
Not in person, of course - just on the line
Your voice drips with sleep in the night time
And I'm sorry I ruined what you thought I was
But I can't be sorry when you ruined me just because.

A breather is needed before I unravel
Feels like an axe ripped open my chest
And my heart is free falling to gravel
I can't catch it - too busy thinking of what will come next
I'm tired, not dead
But dead might be the next stop
If I don't train myself to forget what you said
A gun's in my hand, I imagine the pop
Not dead, but dead tired
Blankets pulled up over my head
Chemicals, emotions, and memories conspired
Now I wouldn't mind spending a few weeks in bed
It's a pain to try and forget the things you can't help but remember
Maybe it'd help if I started taking my meds
I plan to be better for the snow in December
Because I'm just tired, not dead

Many will prove themselves worthy if you give them a chance. Trust them and let them rise to your feelings. It can be hard not to immediately write people off. I used to trust everyone, until I realized that you can't. It took me a long time to realize you have to guard yourself. People are so fascinating - they have histories,
stories,
traumas,
pain,
traits,
vices,
virtues,
love affairs,
sleepless nights,
values,
hobbies,
habits,
failures,
flaws,
and memories.
It is difficult for me not to want to get to know almost everyone I come across. This certain seeking quality about myself gets me into an awful lot of problematic scenarios. I often end up in the crossfire of many situations that never really involved me in the first place. I've met an awful lot of individuals, but only a handful who looked at me and saw what I don't see. This phenomena is a great source of inspiration to me. Sometimes I feel like "what you see is what you get" and there's nothing more to me than what I portray to others in order to convey the qualities I'd like them to believe. Being mysterious is a haven to me. I figure if nobody ever really knows who I am, I am safe and they can't hurt me. Yet this has proven itself untrue. Do I even know myself? Often times, the answer is no - and that's why it blows my mind when people seem to have that certain knowing look and they see all the things I bury deep, things I'm afraid to show like weaknesses and failures. These people remind me that I have potential and I'm not as bad as I think I am.
People who see you - really see you for who you are - are very rare, but worth waiting for. They see past the masks, fronts, and facades you've learned to put on and they understand the things you've always wanted people to understand without you having to explain.
They get it.
Hold onto those people.
They are the way to success and happiness and true friendship.
Post-conventional thinking will always outweigh earthly expectations.
**** everything that isn't fulfilling.
Life is something rules shouldn't be imposed on where they don't need to be.
Open your eyes.

You sparked a change in me, and I know you deny it
But something happened that incited an internal, dancing riot
A smile glued to my face that I couldn't push away
This gripping feeling is probably here to stay
It took over my brain; I forget everything
Especially what I'm not supposed to be doing
I got a little lost trying to find where I was supposed to go
You tell me that I should do that on my own
But if on my own means I have to go
Then maybe I can hesitate before you'd like to be alone
Your eyes look right through me and I almost see my own
As a reflection of a reflection of something you know and I don't
I kind of want to live in your bed; I wish you'd let me
You deserve to always be a constant and never be a memory
Clothes coming off in the dark, moonlight shining through
Less because of me and more because of you
Resisting temptation is my weakness
Along with you and your humbleness
Thinking of your mouth pressed to mine makes me shiver
And I constantly apologize that it's almost winter
I don't want to see you down, and I'm scared you'll pull away
But the smile you give me never fades, and maybe that will make you stay

I'm too young to be done with battles I haven't won
There's smoke in my lungs, spilling out as I run
You wrote the letter, sealed the envelope
You propped the chair, placed my neck against the rope
But I'll tell you now, like I should have told you then,
I will never let you make me feel this way again
You think you're right, you say I'm wrong
And I bet you placed it all down in a song
I believed you, and I hated myself
You took our picture off of your shelf
And you gave it to me... why would you do that?
You stiffly patted me on the small of my back
Our friends said I'm too lovely to be treated like ****
Everyone says that I don't deserve it
But you made me feel like I truly do
Before you could abandon me, I abandoned you
But that doesn't make what you're doing okay
Pretending I don't exist, day after day
The saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right
I can't call you, so I just write and write
Hoping that soon we will clean up this mess
And end the days of frustration and loneliness
But I am doing better, at least I think so
I'm learning that sometimes love goes wrong and you have to let go
And I see now that the universe will work with you
If you have passion, ambitions, and the right attitude
I'll be ****** if I lie down and die without you here
Your love is no longer worth a single tear

I will admit that I was a little distracted
Driving to school at seven
My mind was flooded by thoughts of you
And how you had acted
For me, life is not post-highschool heaven
I was thinking how Saturday was your show, and you had told me I should go
Right before you said you didn't want to see me
Honestly, what am I supposed to believe?
I wish it was easy to leave
This is all what I was thinking while I pulled up to the stop sign
I glanced down at my hand
A mirage of our fingers intertwined
Less than a block away from the college we both attend, thinking of all the battles I'm never going to win
On my right was a car, half a block away
I pulled ahead, thinking I had time to cross
Two headlights in the passenger window, bright as day
The car plowed into mine and I was at a loss
In slow motion, my favorite band played on through the sound of crushing metal
It took a little while for the dust to settle
I thought I was taking my last breaths, and I screamed, "Oh my God!"
Hoping he'd save me, though I thought, probably not
If that car hit the driver's side, I'd be dead
So many things would have been left unsaid
I'm not the sort of person who can deal with unsaid things
I'd probably have haunted you, the mysterious reason the doorbell rings
Stunned, I stumbled out and onto the curb, waiting for the police to come
"Count your lucky stars," they say in times like these.
Well, I have a ticket and no lucky stars to count on
My head hurt badly, and I needed somebody
You said you'd always be there - I gave you a call
That's when I discovered you'd never really been there at all
You were probably with your "great" friends who "get" you
Probably not at all sober
You left me alone, scared, stranded, and injured
On a chilly, fateful night in October
You didn't even call back to see if I was okay
What kind of person does that? I hope karma makes you pay
You have no idea the damage you've done
This battle is over, and nobody won

I squeezed ice in my hand until it burned
A pulsing redness filled my palm
And I thought of how I'd never felt this way before
Maybe if I went to church, I could learn to blindly believe
But I'm always lonely, always feeling grief
I can't let it overwhelm me when nothing goes the way I want it to
Because if I let it overwhelm me, nothing will ever go the way I want it to
My eyes are sinking in, leaving dark circles underneath
My lungs are on overflow, words don't make it to my teeth
The more I think, the less I know
Now he's singing on the phone; he might be the death of me
My eyes are filling up, he says the candle burns at both ends
I'm not sure how low I will sink
A scary free fall - yet I still make myself press my ear to the phone
You say you're offbeat, but I take the cake
Another boy I don't love holds my hand and kisses me
Dread is a constant, but I do it, I have to get away from him
I've lost sight of joy and motivation
I need help
And he sings a song about me, and he wrote it, and he says he loves me
But I don't know how to feel about anything ever
The more the truth comes out, the more it feels like a lie
The more I try to get through myself
The more sure I am that I will die

I want to make a masterpiece.
My life has to be a masterpiece.
Some people in my life tell me that I am the masterpiece so it isn't necessary for me to make one.
I think I am lucky to know human beings so generous with such compliments that are so hard for me to believe.
I don't see me the way they see me, and I think they are delightfully delusional, and I am still focused on one day creating some sort of masterpiece whether it be writing, painting, or something else entirely so that I have an actual tangible object to show people when they ask who I am or what I do instead of just hoping they see that I am a questionably  good person trying to do definitely (mostly) good things and I am actually totally lost, kicking and screaming in a crowded sea full of others who do the same - they're just a little quieter than I could ever hope to be.
I am flailing with a smile on my face desperately trying to save people who might not want to be saved and the exhaustion set in long ago but I have no choice but to try and gather enough energy to create my good enough masterpiece.

The kind of tired sleep can't fix is the kind of tired I know a lot about
Life is easier with breaks, but I can do without
The less I sleep, the more I think
Thoughts rattling through twisted kinks
They say hope floats - for me, it sinks
I say struggling is trying
You say trying is struggling
You urge me to stop
If I said I was okay, I would be lying
I remember writing a poem about how I loved baths
Because they're comforting, and you aren't
Now we are on separate paths
Maybe that was heaven sent
Though I'm not sure where my heart went
I did not eat, I hardly slept
for many, many days
Miserable, I wept and wept
and drenched my pillow case
I was so pained, but now I see
Without you, I am more me
Now I guard my soul cautiously
I cannot afford to be carefree
If I give my heart away again
And it feels any worse than this
A full breath would be too hard to win
And maybe I would cut my wrists
Because I mean, I've thought about it
I'm certainly not a sadist
But depression is a black pit
And love will lead you by the hand to it
I'd stare at the ceiling bleeding out
And probably think of you
And with my last breath, I'd curse myself
For knowing our love, though intense,
wasn't completely true.