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kels Aug 2017
if you showed anyone every word i ever wrote to you, i think they would assume that i was lying

but if they looked at it my way they'd know it would be a shame that a "friendship" can be so blinding

and we both know each try at space is always met with such disdain, but even so, can you really blame me

for trying anyway, eternal nights and pointless days, to lighten up the load i am fated to carry

and ever since we first met i've been fixated upon my regrets while you carelessly toss yours behind your shoulder

your lack of love for me is like a monster from which i flee, for if i'm caught, i know that it will destroy me
kels Oct 2016
Blood shot eyes making contact in the mirror,
pleading with the bleeding brain not to think, not to care.

Impaired and unshowered.
Denial runs deep.
Wide eyed and disheveled.
The only thing you ever commit to is drinking yourself to sleep.

And while you slowly ****** yourself,
I toss and turn, dissecting your thirst for freedom
and my adoration for all things unattainable
I try to be more like you; you're talented at being numb

Just how bothered would you be to see our similarities?
And how do you justify acting so different as to yesterday?
Would you be surprised to see that we're both sabotaging ourselves in such noticeable ways?
And how do you sleep at night knowing you could've had me there?
Do you wake up to the memory of my smile and pour another shot, let the alcohol repair?
Or are you convinced that, in me offering myself to you, I have served my purpose?
Am I yet another sentimental soul that fell for your twisted ways and was left feeling worthless?

Please, tell me, am I still myself after you've worn me down to sagging shoulders and blackened lungs?

Not enough strength left within to hold you up on your pedestal
No matter which disguise you wear
No end to confusion, but it's time to stop asking for answers
or for you to care
kels Jul 2016
figure out how to hold back yet move forward,
forgive and forget without sinking under.

there's no way to move without making mistakes;
i've been trying so hard that i get the shakes.

every time i close my eyes, i see one face,
and another, and another; my brain quickens the pace.

those i passionately love, those i claim to hate
can be one and the same, depending on the day.

others take up so much of my thinking
i do my best to not shut my eyes, to keep blinking,
to keep all my feelings away on a dusty shelf
and i wonder if i've any thoughts left for myself.
kels Mar 2016
spring air shivers mask our nervous twitching
got an itch to scratch and boy is it ever itching
shaky knees and sweaty palms
i am not okay at all
  Mar 2016 kels
Sylvia Plath
But I would rather be horizontal.
I am not a tree with my root in the soil
******* up minerals and motherly love
So that each March I may gleam into leaf,
Nor am I the beauty of a garden bed
Attracting my share of Ahs and spectacularly painted,
Unknowing I must soon unpetal.
Compared with me, a tree is immortal
And a flower-head not tall, but more startling,
And I want the one's longevity and the other's daring.

Tonight, in the infinitesimal light of the stars,
The trees and flowers have been strewing their cool odors.
I walk among them, but none of them are noticing.
Sometimes I think that when I am sleeping
I must most perfectly resemble them--
Thoughts gone dim.
It is more natural to me, lying down.
Then the sky and I are in open conversation,
And I shall be useful when I lie down finally:
The the trees may touch me for once, and the flowers have time for me.
kels Mar 2016
The woods are burning
I know that all I've done is not enough
I'm constantly lowering my ideals
Everybody around me is so false, yet
There's always hope for a diamond in the rough

A big blaze going on all around
Don't you care whether we live or die?
Our brains are fine machines
Too capable of judgment and worry
I'd love to shut them off

Trapped by flames
They move faster than any vehicle I've seen
Alienation is only a weird word until you feel it
Thinking thoughts that fuel the fire faster
Than any accelerant ever could
I revised a poem I wrote a few years ago.
kels Nov 2015
everything's different than how it was
can't even forge a truce
memories covered in such a fog
i try so hard it hurts
just try so hard and bury it all
but this love was always a curse
and instead of forget, into it, i fall
and end up feeling much worse
why can't you grow up
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