A caterpillar needs to die
To become a butterfly
Only then can it fly

looking into the sky
clouds go by, by and by
fast like a race car
the persons
who’re running for their lives
from close to far

all clear, but grey
how life is and will be
every day in another light
every day through another fight
fast to the bone
life is and will be

always waiting for a moon
a place where this word doesn't exist
soon
people are dreaming nights away
but in the darkness
that’s where they let me stay

we have spoken for so long
and forget it all
these hours are going faster
all that matters
in these times of company
the future; here we come

always waiting for a moon
a place where this word doesn't exist
soon
people are dreaming nights away
but in the darkness
let me stay

the darkness covers my lungs and it feels like Im drowning
I gasp for air in hopes to breath in light.
I’m desperate.
I scream silently and I’m waiting for something... anything
The answers I seek are only met with my questions.
And now I’ve lost all sense of direction
and I don’t know if  I’m sinking or floating.
I know for certain I’m not swimming
For I can’t will myself to move.
I gasp needing to feel light help me gain back
what the bitter sweet dark has taken away.

I use to beg for morning light to take away this blackness
but oh no. It’s not that simple.
Now the light only brings out the sewing kit
I take the red thread and sew my smile on
right in the place I know it belongs.
I wish I had thicker string because this one breaks to easy.
I pull my hair back and slip my clothes on
and I walk the world as if I have nothing to hide.
Nothing that haunts me in some late hours of the night.

I pretend that I am as innocent as I look.
Oh sweet Sun you are just my puppeteer
until the night comes
and plays a different tune for me to dance too.
Why  do I give so much control of my bandaged and duct tape pieces of myself.

For the love of what ever is making this world keep spinning.
I’m tired of this helplessness.
I hate gulping down shots of light
like an addict needing my fix or a pick me up to get me through another day
But sadly the light is not my addiction.
The dark is
that swallows me up with it forged promises
and authentic pain that blankets me.

I am tired of fighting so tied of it.
If some didn’t grasp my hand
right before I let myself go.
I would have drowned in the misery of this
the water red and salty.
I beg for them not to let go as they pull me up
and nearly get pulled down with me.


Please cut my strings I beg
I don’t want to be the puppet of the pain anymore
Please.
You can only cut the bonds you’ve made sweetie

I Open my eyes as I slice though the first thick cords attached to me
and for the first time in a long time
I see the me I want to be
and I see the light hidden there.

Where am I
Where has my world gone?
I am left here in the dark
A dark with no dawn

I am wandering about
Without a clue to where
I am filled with doubt
And yet I dare

I dare to dream
I dare to walk
I dare to find

To find the light
Will make life shine
Never stop the fight
Till the light is mine

I woke up to feel the pain in my chest.
It was the middle of the night, but I would not rest.
My eyes struggled to find the light.
But all they saw was the cover of the night.
The pain in my chest worsens, and my eyes fill with tears.
I am left in the darkness, with nothing but fear.
My body shakes and I feel all the pain.
I question myself, am I even sane?
But just as I thought I was crazy as could be.
My lips widen, and i start smiling with glee.
The pain has not left, but my mind has welcomed it.
My body has grown accustom to feeling it bit by bit.
A small chuckle escapes my lips, but my eyes are red.
I am crying nonstop and I feel broken... Dead.
The pain in my chest only seems to grow.
Like a stone being throw, to and fro.
My body quivers as I feel my blackened soul.
So dark and hurt, long since turned to coal.
My bloodshot eyes slowly begin to shut.
Sadly when I awake, I will still be in this rut.
All I can do for myself is grieve and grieve.
Because there is a stone in my heart... And it will never leave.

A sadness born of loneliness
Of distance and confusion
An easing based in fantasy
Of dreaming and illusion
The darkness of abandonment
An ally of rejection
The burning eyes of tears gone by
With bitter sour reflection
The grainy grey of start of day
Lain sleepless, hours, staring
The futile days spent wishing
For other lives more daring
The river runs in black and grey
A story growing older
A heart that yearns for warmth
As the world around grows colder

the thing about sadness is
it’s like a thick rain cloud
clogged inside your throat
blocking your breath,
your words,
even your screams.
you want to melt it,
get rid of it,
but it becomes bigger and bigger
choking you further and further.

but the thing about sadness is
when you finally surrender and bask
on its harsh downpour,
its painful drops
will help you grow,
will help you rise,
will help you heal, until
the suffocating cloud
finally bowed, finally bowed.

and the thing about sadness
being a dark rain cloud is it’s
living in a fading permanence.
it will pass.
it will fade.

but you, you are the sometimes defeated
yet always fighting sun.
you will rise again and again,
until no cloud of pain remains.
until no cloud of pain remains.

"Grief"
The label given to sorrow I cannot describe
The black cloud under which I hide
The sated reaper by my side

"Bereaved"
The name given to my new found state
The sadness still to raw to rate
When, too early, he became late

"Mourning"
The word given to the crushing despair
The dawn of darkness none can share
Which I can't believe is ever fair

"Loss"
The misnomer given for those now taken
Love and life already forsaken
The sleep from which he won't awaken.