It seems numerous. Immeasurable in nature
I want so many things
I want to be able to sing
I want a fling.
But right now....
I want to feel a sting.
The painful bitter sting of tears
Cutting through my eyes
Like watching a love one die.
I want those hell hot tears that scorch my skin
I want those tears that feel like broken glass
Cause they are more to me,
What you see as water, I see as blood
The blood that flows from my eyes, like that of bullet wounds.
For that's the pain that my actions have caused.
I want to let them loose like a dam on the Victoria falls
To break, just for a moment,
and let this torrent of emotion to splash against the earth
I want to tear the skin from this facade I present
To take away the superficial glamor that I use to dazzle friends
I want to show the confused mess that I am.
I want to show what I am adamant on hiding.
I want to show that I am just another *******
modeled after what is great in this world
If anything, I want to dwell in my own self pity, at least for a moment.
But above this, I want to you to see,
That your words and feelings affect me woefully
and that ultimately
My one and only want...
Is for you to not hate me.

First the impact
The shock and pain
Of the words I can deal with
But from these bullet like words
A dull ache creeps out
Creeping out from my wounded body
This ache slowly inches along my frame
I feel it corrupting my core.
My bones dense with pain
My soul clouded by its mask
I feel it swell inside of me.
It builds up until I feel it in my skin
The transformation is complete
My being is now of pain,
My only feeling is of dull ache
My thoughts are this hurt
I will have to wait it out
I know sometime soon
Life’s joys will purge my soul

Where am I
Where has my world gone?
I am left here in the dark
A dark with no dawn

I am wandering about
Without a clue to where
I am filled with doubt
And yet I dare

I dare to dream
I dare to walk
I dare to find

To find the light
Will make life shine
Never stop the fight
Till the light is mine

I’ve been gone too long
Only now do I see
That everything in life
Crowds around me.

Where have I been?

I know it now
I stayed in my mind.
Like a worthless cow.

It was my castle
For that I am sure.
But it was a great hassle
To keep it secure.

----I was asleep

What did I do there?

I walked…
I walked day by day
Till my world turned grey.

I stayed in that castle.
Protected by my walls.
I walked for hours
In the countless halls.

----I dreamt

Am I still there?

I’ve out grown it now.
As it is plain to see.
Life’s great joys
Came to rescue me.

The confides of that castle
No longer apply
I am now life’s great vassal
I can now say, Goodbye

Goodbye my castle.
I have finally changed
And with you here
Things remain strange.

----I live, thus I change

How do I feel now?

I feel free
I feel for the first time
That I can see.

But my eyes are not needed.
My mind sees the truth.
Eyes show us nothing
Minds show us proof.

My mind shows me things
Things that my eyes miss.
My mind gives it meaning
My eyes just list.

Now that I am free.
And my mind seems to wander.
Past the simple things
That I used to ponder

No longer am I halted
No longer am I slowed.
Now my mind transcends
Past the unknown

It has given me ideas
Ideas so old and wise
Ideas of those…
Who have no eyes.

This is how I do decree
That I will live my life
Till life leaves me.

----I am enlightened

How can I describe this feeling?
It is me that you’re stealing.
Who I worked to be
Has gone and left me

I’m left with something strange
As if it is me who is deranged.
This is all new to me
It is not as it ought to be.

Why do I feel this way?
I don’t know what to say

I’m lost
I’m scared
I’m unprepared.

This thing that is left disgusts myself
I am left here feeling in bad health.
All I do is sit and stare
And contemplate how life is unfair.

Why do I feel this way?
I don’t know what to say

I feel trapped
I have been snapped.
All hope I had has been thrashed.

The things I have done
And all things I found fun
They have all left me
It is painful to truly see
That this feeling will stay.
All depending on a day

For this was just one.
Just one day
One day that had been torn away.
It has stripped me of almost all
To the point that I might fall

But as long as you stay this way
They will become a regular day.
But still I must say
They have
They did
They will
Make me feel this way
And through it all
At the end of the day
I still don’t know what to say.

It this moment
This quick started
Long lasting moment
I remember where I am
I remember who you are

I am at home
But what home is this
I am afraid and angry everyday
It’s rare, if ever I enjoy your stays

I try to believe
That you are well
Yet someday I believe
I’m stuck in hell

The truth is
You’re not well
You’re not sane
In this house
I can’t escape the pain

It’s hard to act normal
When a monster walks about
It takes effort
Not to scream or shout
Cause that’s what this monster thrives on
It’s what gives it thrill
Nothing can stop it
Till your hopes are killed

This monster is persistent
It believes it is right
Maybe that’s the reason
Why it never seizes to fight

The fights go on and on and on
Often into the night
Occasionally in the dawn
There is no end in sight

We’ve woken to it
We’ve slept to it
We are living through it
Sometimes we win
But often it’s the other
The bleeding hearts of us three brothers
Are wounded by our poor other

Now I write
So I don’t need to fight
So I can try to forgive
But never shall I forget

The things you do in these moments last forever
Forever scarring
Forever tearing
Forever rending
The only hearts that care

I can never forget these moments
Or the things you do
Cause in these moments I find
I hate you.

This is my brother
He’s smart, nice, and keen
If art took him
He’d create a pretty scene
If music he did take part
He’d compose to touch a heart
If writing was his way at hand
His works would be finer than grand

But he did not choose these
He chose another path
One with a secret other half
Now with my brother
There is another
This is my monster

It’s mean, crass, and rude
In essence one ****** dude
It’ll cheat, hide, lie
It has made us all cry

Whenever it’s about
My feelings come rushing out
It makes me helpless
And then mad
Then guilty, and sad
But when I should rest
I feel is depressed.

As I lay at night awake
Thinking of what that thing partakes
A wandering question seeps through my mind
A question of the sinister kind
When will this monster die?

How can this come upon
The two people are the same guy
The monster I want gone…
Is my brother when he’s high.