An ethereal beast

Your words are filled with magic
With a cold and dark sharpness
You paint a beautiful picture
And also craft the darkness

Your eyes they
Are
Just
So
Observant

And you fill me with whimsy
And interest
And intrude into my thoughts

The dreams you craft in daylight
The things you pull from the night

I want inside your daydreams
It’s somewhere
And where I want to hide

You speak like you are painting
Your words just
Creating life

I wonder what the paintings look like
Deep inside your mind

If you find me hiding there
Tucked out of sight
Curled up in a crevice
Hiding

It’s just because I found a place
One I can visualize
One that’s full of wonders
Seen through clearer eyes
One I know has darkness
And cracks that I can hide in

Something
Somewhere
Some
World
I can see it too

Paint me a hiding place with your words

Paint the whole world too.
Let me open my eyes
And gasp for air

Like I’m seeing it all
Through you

🖤

I’m not going anywhere
Words I repeat year after year
This feeling so strong
So true
So
Home

I find a home in this darkness
The dread
Lack of will
Lack of being

And I keep waiting.

I feel joy and
Happiness
And wonder in the world

But
Always come back to this

Dread
And worry
And sorrow
And lost in the wilderness
Of
Being

I stay
I rejoice and I
Laugh and I
Smile
And I feel the sun on my face

Yet alone
I am swallowed by
The darkness inside of me
The yearning and wonder
For beyond

Yet I stay.

I can't believe I let someone get to me
Someone I helped
And did everything I could
For so long
When I couldn't.
When I shouldn't have.
But I needed to help
Because I saw myself in her
I saw the same choices
I saw the same heart.
But I couldn't help
And I'm now of no use
And my safe place is now
Somewhere riddled with whispers
With remarks
Somewhere I was edged out
Set aside
Watching
I can't believe I let someone in
And tried my very best
To be turned on
Like a snake coiled to strike
That I only ever saw the most beautiful scales on
Never noticing
The potential to turn
The potential to tear down
Everything I built up
Everything I pulled her up to
I shared with
Everything I did
To get struck
Emotionally torn down

I can't believe I ever tried
I never could be so callous
So harsh
As I always do
Only speaking good, only seeing good
Only ever trying
So
Very
Hard
To help.

I am so sad
I cried in the dressing room again.
I am so sad.
With music and alcohol and people smiling around me.
I am so sad
I am spitting venom at people I love
People I like
People who make me smile
Because I am
So
******* sad
I am going to shut the world out
Have this pity party of one
This ******* lamentation
Of my good life
Of my easy life
Of my glitter covered
Music fueled
Life.
Because I am so sad.
And I don't think
I DO NOT BELIEVE
I deserve the help to feel better.
I am the firefighter, the champion, the
Positivity in their lives
I have it so well
I live it so well
But
I
Am
So
Sad.
And it is wearing me out.

I learned something new today
When I went to pick you up
While I cried, holding the cardboard box
The small box that holds what's left of you

I learned something today
While I drove with you on my lap
Thinking of how you enjoyed car rides
And adventures

I learned something
When I realized life goes on
The world goes on
Time doesn't care about us

I lamented how it isn't fair
And I crawled into bed with you by my side
And curled around the box that you
The box that is synonymous with you

And I cried.

I can't help lately
That I have stopped wanting to fight
Stopped wanting to snap
And bark and sting with my words
I've swept it under the rug
And given you a bear hug
And gritted my teeth and just been
Okay

I've stopped trying to tell you
To stop
To slow down
To listen
To talk
But I still start the sentences
That will come off ****** and come off
Rude
Or sharp
Or sassy.

And then I stop myself because
Why bother fighting and
Repeating and fighting
And
Repeating
Because I treasure you
When you smile and when we laugh
And when there is no time to say
Stop
Or slow down
Or come sleep
Or please eat

So now inside I have this turmoil
This weird feeling I haven't felt in so long
This screaming clawing gnawing tearing
Feeling
That wants me to speak
That wants me to scream
But instead

I am learning to just
Be
Okay
And let you be you and
Just stop
Nagging

It's so hard

I realized what you meant
When you thought it's just laziness
When you expressed your concern
Over my health
Over my being over
The lack
Of me
Lately.
Over the lack of art
The lack of things I create with my
Mind and my hands
And my need
To express
My insides
The raw things
And thoughts
And feelings
I understand
Your concern and desperate way
Of speaking
Your exasperated wondering
If something in me is broken.
I'm happy
But where is my art
My paintings
Drawings
Writing
Music
And I think
Maybe because I am happy
I have lost the ability
To create
The things I made before
Were art born of pain
Born of raw unfiltered sorrow
Anger
And when I'm happy
Art doesn't flow as easily
And I've just accepted it
And I've just accepted being
In a rut.
And I understand your
Anger
Your sorrow
Your wondering and fear
That I'm just going to be
Lazy and Undriven.
Your fear that
I've stopped
Being
That I've stopped going
That I'm in love
And that I love you
But what am I doing
Sleeping and eating and nothing
So much
Nothing.
I am going to change that.
I am going to change me.
Because I love you.
And love is not enough.
You need to see that spark in me.
You need to see that go.
The big dreams.
That I've tucked away.
For comfort in sleep.
I need those nights where I toss
And turn
Until I get up and create
Magic
Drawing things
Boring things
Amazing things
Playing music from my heart
Singing from my soul
And making things around me beautiful

From my soulmate
Who I'm most vulnerable around
The one I open up to most
Let it all out
Me
My
Hopes and
Dreams
Fears
Thoughts
Everything inside feels free to come out
From my love
My heart my life my soulmate
You are not a boy.
Words uttered before
Coming out more and more over time
And I catch
Like my breath
Laying my head on his chest
And I catch
My tongue
And stop
Those thoughts I've always
Thoughts I've always thought
Feelings
Thoughts
That took so ******* long to realize
That I wasn't ****** up
That I wasn't weird
That it's great to be me and
Great to be he or she
Great to be
Anything
I feel
Is me.
And I stop
From my soulmate
It is weird
It is wrong
It is not
Me
So I stop
I stop dressing as him
I stop remarks on myself
I stop
But sometimes
It slips
I can't catch
Myself
I can't catch my breath
I can't catch my thoughts
Because
I want to be everything
Everything he wants me to be
Everything and his soulmate
Because
My soulmate
Says I am not a boy
So I try to believe
And suppress
And
Be
Because I
Am not
A boy.

Everything I thought makes life beautiful

Makes the grass greener the sky bluer
 Makes the darkness recede for a while
 Until

Everything crashes down

And makes shadows crawl

Makes whispers call your names with 
Dead eyes in the mirror

Then

You go back

Too sad to function

Too tired to speak

Too hungry too weak

Then everything shines again

And you wake up to the lights

Sunlight

Shaking and happy and incoherent
Oblivious of your demise

The hold it’s got on your soul

It’s everything

Tragedy and despair

You can’t speak from loss

You cry

And go find everything exactly where it was

And escape through frames

Trying to find a distorted illusion of
What once was

Less than yesterday

Five days ago

Everything in pieces nothing consuming you 

Run two steps ahead of the pain
Inducing the chemical confusion

The twitches the bones protruding

The stutter the asthma the all

Over

Pain.
Everything is okay

This pain has broken through my wall of glass

Awake unblinking

Hurt sinking 

Lost alone thinking

I’m alone

Losing everything

Ruined 

Falling to pieces

Pieces getting crushed into dust

And going to my sinuses

I am nothing.
Broken. Cold. Dying. 

I am addiction.
I am

An escapist, a *******, a mass linguist, pacifist and anarchist nihilist and pessimist

A walking contradiction

Full of contrition

Contraband addiction
When I die

Don’t let them all know I

Left my mind on a frame

Or a card

Too much shame. 
But this is too hard.
I lost my everything when I met everything that makes me lost.

I dreamt of all sorts of scary **** last night.
Of being hurt of being watched of being followed.
Scary faces scary voices scary sounds.
Then I found you behind one of the walls. I found you
And you were different
And I was different too
We were older
We were tired
And you held my hand
Made me feel the longing
The stuff I tuck away
The feeling I normally swallow
The longing for being comfortable
Like an old pair of shoes
Fitting perfect no surprises
When I feel that way I get sad
Thinking of routines
Thinking of warmth
Dogs
Tv and laundry
So I have to remember
Why my routines are new
Why I live across town
When I get sad
It’s because I remember the good
If I think of the bad
When once it was all that I could
I remember the arguments
The words that cut to my soul
I remember the times you’d say things you’d held on to
And the shame I felt
The times when it was just for you
And how I’d cry in the bathroom
When I was an 18 year old housewife
That had to ask to go to a girlfriends
When my only company was your mom, bless her heart, but seriously I’m 18
When I’d get sad and I didn’t know why and you’d ignore me
When I’d get sad and I did know why
And you didn’t bother to figure it out
The turmoil I felt for such a long time
Immense love
Incredible pain
I loved you, I do love you, and I wish
I wish we could have worked.
I wish we weren’t so bad together
But we were
So I need to move on.
He’s nothing like you
It’s night and day
Feelings and stuff.
He’s got them. About as much as me
When he talks
He’s staring at his phone
He buys things
Like I do, so there’s no money once it’s gone
He likes all the music I do
No Emo gay or girly
But he does one thing
You didn’t quite do
When I do something wrong
He tells me sharply how it’s wrong
And how he feels
And I feel bad
So bad
And then he’s normal again.
So I get confused.
And he likes cleaning.
Also weird. We were up til 2 cleaning. Not just us the whole house.
He’s got a good heart, and he’s nice to me though.
He’s sweet and has big ideas and dreams. In another reality you two would be friends. The kind that **** heads. But still laugh in the end.
I miss you.
I wish you could be my friend.
We were such badass best friends.

I'm stuck.
Inside my head again
Each time on the edge
Of discovering why
I keep getting stuck
I’m lost once again
Once more thinking hard
While sleep eludes me again
I keep getting stuck
Wondering who I am
Wondering where I am
Wondering who the person in the mirror is
I remember being small
But it feels like those memories aren’t mine
I remember everything
About love about drugs about pain
I remember so much
Except who belongs to my name
I keep getting stuck
Jammed
Feet glued to the floor
Overwhelmed with sorrow
Disgust
Rage
And more
I keep forgetting
Who I am inside
Am I the packs of cigarettes
Empty bottles
Empty cans
Am I the twisted shell
Of a car once proud
Am I the cries
Of a girl
Abandoned by mommy
Wondering why forever
Mommy isn’t coming home
Am I the canisters
Lying on the floor
After a good few seconds
Of never wondering when the pain comes back
Am I really this girl
Who binge eats at night
Am I really this boy
That is scared to be mean
Am I really an adult
Out in the world
Never getting tired
Just blacking out
I can’t sleep
I can’t get tired
I can’t get a hold or a grip or a sight
I can’t peek through this tarp on my eyes
I keep getting stuck
In a hole in my head
I keep getting stuck
In a well in my heart
If I ever get out
Will I still wonder
Why I can’t remember who I am
And why I keep getting stuck

Did I tell you I figured out how to induce sleep paralysis? Did I tell you I can see what’s real and what isn’t when I’m between consciousness
Like the demon
And the pretender thinking it tricks me into believing its
The demon
But it’s wrong
WRONG BECAUSE
I CAN SEE
THROUGH ITS FACADE
it’s wrong
It doesn’t look quite right
It’s slightly off in a way you can’t quite name
I don’t feel it like the other thing
The demon
That watches and waits and whispers and whispers and whispers
Forever
Always ******* talking to me
This thing repeats over and over just like the demon
But I don’t feel this one
And it doesn’t speak quite right
It’s wrong
And new
But real
Maybe it’s Ava’s and I’m worried
But my thing
Still watches and whispers an stands behind me and walks behind me and ***** with me
It’s a shadow ******* moving too quick to see
Almost
It’s that fake little girl to gain your trust
That faceless thing
Faceless only because you can never
quite see it
Then to me
All alone
I see what it is
For real the real part it’s so scary
This demon
It’s ******* terrifying.
For the past six years its been a constant.
So tired.
So tired of the whispers
whispering
whispering
whispering

I can't ever wake up.
No words have ever rung more true.
Nothing I have ever heard, could I relate to more than those.
Because I'm afraid to fall asleep.
Afraid
Of my dreams.
Nightmares I can't get out of
I'm not allowed
I have to keep going through.
I've felt every way there is
To die
And to be hurt
I've lived a thousand deaths or more
And I can't ever wake up.

I realized something tonight, as I laid awake staring at the pages
Papers held so shakily,
Writing littering the margins
I've tried to die, and
I've hurt myself
Always trying to escape
But no matter what I try to do
I'm still around
Awake.

I hurt so deeply I can't imagine another exit
My own decision
My own plan
So I can stop my hurt.
I feel dead most times already
So what pain could death really bring?
What I realized earlier
Staring at my wrists
Awake and unafraid.
Only in my nightmares,
Can I never escape the pain.

This so called life,
Running through my veins
All of my choices, all my love all my pain
Everything I give
And the nothing
That I gain
All the silent screaming, and torment it's all in vain.
Because I realized I'm in a nightmare.
And I know there's no escape.

I'm trapped in every nightmare
I'm afraid to go to sleep
I stay awake for days
And I pray when I do sleep
That I'll have some regular dream some
Normal scene
Where I'm not afraid and alone
Not stuck
And forced
To do it on my own.

I realized no matter when I am
No matter what I try
No matter if I stay awake
I'm so far from alive
Time being a mess and me
Trying to make sense trying not to break
Getting confused and stuck
And sniffing and smoking and drinking away my dreams
Nightmares chasing me.
I figured it out.
I can't ever wake up.
Because I never left the nightmare.

And I can't
I can't ever wake up.

Alaska.
That's the name you don't call me.
Punctuation.
no longer gonna be a grammar ****.
todays the day when i decide, i dont want to be who i am outside
maybe i want to be hurting and happy and insane outside too
maybe i want to leave and move
emancipation is my situation
I want nothing more to leave.

My emotions aren't real, just something you can't feel
My mother not my mom, I can't be strung along
no longer.

Well, cut some up
Have some fun then
Hey you're not my boyfriend
******* my arms are ******* cities.

I want you as a blanket, I can't see past this haze, I can't move
I have to kiss you, But you kiss like a fish, maybe the fish markets on my arms are from that fact.
Cactus.

I feel awful, gonna ****.
It's hard to walk.
Spare a dollar?
Can't find-it's my birthda-need food-please

Never do exstacy.

Playing with the chains wrapped around my heart
coloring over the pains, they were there from the start
hiding under elastic and metal
the emotions are plastic, wait for them to settle
though waiting can be deadly, I sit with my grin
this is all we really needed, is for time to set in.
Maybe we'll never be "we" again
but maybe we'll see, what we've brought to an end
was just never meant to begin
it hurts and I'll cry and feel dead
but it works so I'll sigh and remember the things you said,
to fix myself, time will bring answers
currently I reside in personal hell, though you'll probably not concur
for what it's worth, was it anything at all
what I still haven't learned, is how to take a fall.
I'll watch the embers blaze, watch the ashes float away
see the smoke cloud over, form a haze, turn night into day
while the night time sky turns into hot day time fry,
I count the stars the clouds the hours into days,
I watch the cars the roads all through a depressive-state-haze
so by the ponds, by the creeks, with my dog at my feet
listen to the frogs, the rocks we slept wide awake on
concussed with love, you've got a home in my heart
left it, flew off like a dove, leave me alone to play my part
let me try o repair your damage, I'm hanging in the air
we all know life's so unfair, and I'm dealing in my own way
everyone's problems are different, so great to you
could be hell to someone else, it's apparent you all need to
rethink your views of depression and addiction
what feels like regression and useless diction
can sometimes be the biggest personal hell of all
so enjoy yourself, I hope you have a ball
cause you never know, maybe
you've got the biggest problems of them all.

****.
****.
I'd cry for hours on the couch, curled on the floor, numb to the bone,
So I thought.
Razor, my shiny pal, proves me wrong.

CAN YOU FIND ME?
No, I'm swirling down the sink.
Don't talk to me, I still smile like an idiot.
Don't text me, I think you want to talk.
Don't let me think about you.

I've run out of tears now.
I've begun to suffer internally.

Crack my sternum, check inside,
where oh where has my heart gone to hide?
Check your hands, broken,
Check the soles of your boots, that you tried wearing once
Check everywhere but here.

*******, draw the blinds, curl up once more.
Leave me the **** alone.
I'm trying to get over this
****
Heartbreak hangover
you've given me.

Look at us go Watch us fly
Can you touch the sky
Can you never let go?
Are we going to be forever?
Are you true?

**** NO! *******! **** IT!
LET'S OWN LET'S FIGHT
LET'S fall, let's cry.
Fall asleep, forgot to close your eyes.
LET'S JUMP LET'S SCREAM

Let's have great fun, lie awake
day night days nights on end weeks.
Feels like tiny heart-attacks
say it's love I love you
Oh god you're mine it's true
****.

I'LL tear through the walls
I'll tear through YOUR heart
I'LL ******* UP.
YOU. *******.

CAuse you've turned me into an amphetamine machine.
A ******* IDIOT SHELL GHOST ****** UP SKELETON OF WHAT I WAS
What "We" were.
Take three more, watch me hit the floor.
I'm an amphetamine machine.

God if only I was so great like YOU ARE.
YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL AND BACK.
THIS is what I get.

YOU get NOTHING.
You don't deserve the HATRED I spit, The LOVE I try to ****.
I can't even scream words at you.

ALL I SCREAM IS HATRED.

A too fake smile across my face,
doesn't quite reach my long-dead eyes,
Quiet silence defines my misery,
I'm fine, just take a look at me.

the grass actually isnt greener on the other side.
sometimes youre just dreaming a different reality way down inside.
youll climb over the fence just to realize.
the grass is just as dead as the smile that doesnt touch your eyes.

Honestly, what's wrong with me?
Is it really that hard to see?
They notice I'm broken, ******* up, deceived.
But don't come near me, don't "Oh dear" me, don't come near me please.
Because while I hold this gun up here,
I really don't want you near.

but darling dont you love me?
dont you care to hear my plea?
please dont pull the trigger dear.
let me hold you near.

You saw yourself!
My flightless eyes, my inner hell,
So what should it matter to you, if all else is well,
So kiss my eyes, say goodbye
Enfold not in yourself.

BUT DON'T YOU SEE? I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE!
without you i cannot be.
Come down from there
let that rope hang only air.
And with the slightest squeeze of a trigger,
SLAM
There's no one there.

I've been up all night
this feeling, it's not, it's not alright.
I'm never gonna be alright.
Alright.
I keep on taking more, I'm lying here on the floor.
Just one more. Just one more.
But you never know dear,
Why and how I got here.
I'm never gonna be alright.
You know it's not alright.
Alright.
My heart feels dead and cold now,
My eyes dry, I'm sold now.
Look upon the crystalline gold now.
You know it's not alright, I know I'm not alright.
Watch me get destroyed.
Watch me take four more.
I know I'm not alright.
Alright.

you know
that when you're all alone
I'll still be there.
I'll always be there, for you.

When you're down, for the count.
when you think you've got no more fight, inside.
I want you to know, somehow.
I'll stay by you. I'll stay for you.

No matter the pain
the cause our fights
I'll stay by you. I'll stay for you.

I cannot describe, the hurt inside.
The fear and death you've caused me to hide.
I will stay here, won't cry.
I won't say goodbye.

precisely why, I don't know
you've begged me not to go
/i'll wait for another blow
then you'll say another apology, and promise no more.
Promise no more.

Smiling laughing High fiving
Giggling grinning Washing our hands
Finding new ways to have so much fun

Dropping stuff, we're caught, don't worry we're not
Climbing, finding, the universe is conspiring
Against our good times, against our laughs

This is tons of fun.
This is the best.
I don't want to leave you, with all the rest.

Knives foil paper
Things to make-shift, all our high times.
It blows that we've got to bring it to an end.

So smile into the wind
Smile into your hair
Smile at the days, when we used to play truth or dare.

Smile at the future, in hopes we'll play again.

You've said it so many times,
in that span of three hours.
You said we've got to talk.
I listened, you yelled.
I cried, you didn't hear.

You truly never have.

I've got so many problems,
In my eyes you're a saint.
I thought you'd feel the same, so I let out the real.
The inside.
Behind the mask.

It scared you.
It hurt you.
That's why you hurt me?

I'm messed up, I've got problems.
I agree with what you said.

I just have to say.

It's not always the good times transcending the bad.
It's the hurtful times that stay inside.

You loved me
I loved you
I dont quite understand
Why I rejected you.

I tried and tried
To mend your broken heart
All the while still loving you more
And you less
I'll promise you now what I promised you then

I'll always love you
Hell I'd marry you
I'll try not to hurt you
Ever again
I promise

With the ring
I hoped to promise
"Fiance" for play
How I'd wished it was real
Too scared to ask

I'll promise now, What I'll promise forever

I love you.

Axl was his name.
But we're broken.
Cause of me, quite really.
Don't think I'm being modest.
Everyone knows.
Feelings can physically manifest into hurt.
Ghosts of his touch linger.
Hugs...
I miss them.
Just letting you
Know...
Love is a very strong word.
Meant it every time.
Never haven't been in love with you.
Oh,
Perfect, puts me through hell boy.
Quite a reaction I've had to this.
Really, it's okay.
So I've said.
Thousands of times to you, to them.
Universally, you can tell it is a lie.
Very unhappy.
Well, trying to fix that.
Xerox my name a thousand times, is it as dead as you last uttered?
Yes, I'll answer.
Zebra.

It'll be like a constant hug, A constant piece of you
Held close to me, Held by my heart, by my scars
It'll help me too, help me through
All this stuff I'm going through, Walk in front of cars

It'll be the warmth I hide behind on the first day of the thirtieth day of school.
It'll be the stripes that camoflauge me against taunting peers.
It'll be like you're here with me...

Arizona is new to me.. to our kind..
We're freaks, admit to this, they won't hurt as bad if you already know.

So I'll wear it with pride.
I'll have a lightness in my downtrodden stride.
I'll have you and your love.
As close as it gets.

With your, striped sweater.

Kissing in the rain, while jumping through the puddles
Broken feeling pain, remembering the cuddles
Will it ever end, all things have come to pass
But with my far off absense, I fear it may as well last.

Off and away, a stranger, a freak
Sorry to say, you still make my day
just as easily break it, break me
It's good, I need to be broken.
It's the only way to begin to fix.

So look at me with your crystalline eyes,
I'll pet your head I'll scratch your thighs
But no, it's not you, it's my dog.
She's the greatest.

So while you'll read this, maybe not as aware as I,
You'll see I have no sense, But the poem does.
I may gaze, I may cry, I may laugh, I promise.
I won't die.

So find the good, find the great
Find something to appreciate,
at times it's hard, and I feel so numb, and cold
I've only got one thing left to say.
It's only you for my heart has been sold.

Corrections for you, corrections for me
Let's fix up our **** lives,
Let's move out on the sea
The sea of life imagination
Let's explore the world in high colored socks
let's hide in the shipyards and sleep under docks
Let's grow large mustaches, enter contests under assumed names
Let's smile and giggle at our silly games
Let's smile in general let's hug let's fly
Let's let out scream lie.

Darling, let's go
Let's find some snow
Let's build up a building to watch it deteriorate
Let's learn how to interior decorate
Let's **** all that and then some more
Then let's paint your ******* front door.

But after all that, and all the adventures
There's still a few things I'll always remember
The good times more than bad, though they right now make me sad. The hugs, tears, love, smiles, laughs, the long whiles...
Together..
That's fine.

This is now, this is "us"
apart for how long
Maybe you can take a bus
I'll sing you a song...

I've got the chords..
You've got the voice..
Let's put them together..
And become friends once more.