I remember the time I really looked into your eyes; I mean I had always thought they were brown, but when I looked, and I mean really looked, I was mistaken.

The fourth of July actually was a time for color and celebration, and as I sat beside you and watched the glowing works explode the sky's veil, I knew I didn't want the flames to stop falling through the haziness of your eyes.

Speckled green. The perfect color, just in between all the rest, absorbing life itself.

Each laugh erupted louder than the booms in the sky, and every smile was something like the Cheshire Cat, gleaming in the darkness.

And once the golden whirlwind had ended, once we walked apart, I stayed humming the tune of your voice as it replayed over and over in my mind.

-Julia Aubrey Rhodes-

is it possible to despise yourself so much that you can't feel anything anymore? possible to rely on the fragments of other people's morals and beliefs other than the oozing, hot and bright ones of your own numb mind?

are they still burning up there in my mind, melting inside my brain, scorching the veins, and scaring my tissue?

have my eyes ever looked so grey with ash or are they glazed, reflecting you?

if they aren't, I would ask someone to light a match, but sadly only I can do that.

-Julia Aubrey Rhodes-

The song we sing together is quite out of tune, yet as it's stuck in our minds we chose to sing along every moment our lips part.

It's a dreadful tune, like ring-around the rosie, we think it's something we can dance and laugh to even though it's a song of death and torture.

Please change the record.

- Julia Aubrey Rhodes -

How do I say its not going to work out? How do I just randomly break his heart when I honestly care so much about him?

"He's my LORD" I will tell him,"You know our earthly love cannot compare."

I feel he is allowed me to stray from you oh LORD, for he tempts me so much.

But what do I do? Do i just come out and say it? Do I let the throat cutting words that slip from my lips  be as simple as,"Excuse me, do you know the time?"

And the worst part of it is the selfless soul dwelling with in me. I have given too much, and so much so that my own skin is growing thinner and thinner. My insides slowly disappear every time I offer you something.

I am dying.

I have been giving ever piece of myself to you completely, and I can't take it. And the thing is, my body is already so weak that it makes it so much harder for the words I need to tell you to even reach my lips.

You are the collector of my insides, trapper, hunter, and experimenter.

Your check list is almost filled up along with the shelves stacked high with jars of me. Pretty soon, my soul will be wrapped around your finger, and I am certain that will be the ultimate death of me.

"Oh LORD, please hear my thoughts. Save my soul from this false love and take me home again where I can be consumed in your grace."

If at all that is possible.

-Julia Aubrey Rhodes-

I had a dream about you.

Dancing we were, in front of numerous strangers under bulbs of flaming light that lingered just long enough to see each others face.

My dress was a deep indigo, effortlessly matching your b&w; tux.

The melody of the song allowed us to dance as if we were professing our love for each other through ever step, every glance.

And through out the dance, I hadn't fully studied the crevices of your face until I finally looked closely, for that was when I realized I wasn't dancing with you at all.

I was dancing with him,
and I quite enjoyed the rhythm we swayed to much better than I thought I would.

-Julia Aubrey Rhodes-

It's been almost two years since we spoke,
two years since the feelings were the strongest,
and you know...I had finally moved on.
I moved on from the delusion I put in my mind,
the phantasmagoric memories I decided to build into something more.

When I say I feel like words were spoken about me,
I don't know if that's a good thing or bad when it comes from you.

The fact that out of everyone around,
I happened to run into your acquaintances, and even worse, they ask me if I know you.

Cheeks red, I'm shocked.

Out of every person they could've asked about, it had to be you?
This was the very kind of conversation I was trying to avoid with anyone.

The conversation of you.

Out of every person they could've asked about, it had to be you?

You would think that this time has healed those wounds, in a sense that is true, but when someone taunts you by running the cold blade across your skin, you can't help but wince.

My skin aches a little now. While my heart is no longer yours anymore, and I mean I can't really ever say that it was, I pray yours actually is feeling something more in your relationship now than either of us ever did in "ours".

I have felt almost avoided, like your big ego has made the space in between us and now, your friends, distant.

No, my feelings for you are gone, but just hearing you name again makes my stomach churn for hours on end, just like it use to.

Why are you still in my life when I'm certain neither of us care anymore?

- Julia Aubrey Rhodes -

Since the beginning, you gave me sentiments or yourself.
Like little golden specks from atop a shelf filled with books about you,
twinkling, awaiting my reach, like stars in the deep nighttime blue.
And as the morning came and dusk set in, I could see the shimmering things faded around our hemisphere as you reclaimed them for yourself.
I was left staring at the sun in hope that maybe it could show me warmth like your old cloth once did.
I pray either the night comes quick or I die before it gets here,
because this daylight is burning up my insides.

-Julia Aubrey Rhodes-