He recalls one particular night,
When a phantom slithered into his infant dream,
And he awoke, alone, in a clouded darkness,
Broken only by a single hall-light beam.

With tears pouring from his little eyes,
He slipped out of bed and found his feet on the cold floor.
He made his way toward the source of the light,
Until he stood before his parents, at their bedroom door.

His mother picked him up into her loving arms,
And ran her fingers through his hair, like a comb.
As he slipped away soundly back to sleep,
She couldn't imagine her little boy ever leaving home.

In the school yard, at only ten years of ages,
He spotted his little brother
Assessing the blood drops that were falling to his feet,
And the bullies pointed and laughed with one another.

He ran as fast as he could to reach him,
With his arms widely outstretched,
Crying out his name in panic,
Until their eyes eventually met.

He set out to protect his brother through out his life,
Though, with him, he always felt alone.
I guess his brother may have taken him for granted,
As he thought he would never leave home.

In his teenage years, he met a girl,
With eyes the same colour as the oceans deep.
Her voice still echoes in the silence,
And her eyes still meet his in his sleep.

He remembers her face the day she left him.
How she told him she found his heart of gold,
But all she could see when she looked into his eyes,
Was that his life was already sold.

Although he couldn't bear the thought of losing her,
Somewhere inside he understood why she had gone.
But he loved her enough to hold onto her forever,
Even long after he had left home.

At the age of eighteen, it was time to move out.
He found himself a job, to get some money flowing.
He bought a small apartment in the centre of town.
And found a few new friends to keep himself going.

Though he did miss home, he was an adult now,
And he wished to be the best man he could be.
He kept in touch with his family and friends,
But he began to feel he could not live normally.

One night he was out with his closest friend,
When, in an instant, the place they had went to was mobbed.
And despite his attempts to protect him from the attackers,
Before his eyes, his best friend's life was robbed.

He watched as they lay his body to rest,
Into the darkness, beneath the frost.
All the light inside of him went out,
And in the darkness he got lost.

He forgot the warmth of his mother's arms.
And could no longer picture his best friend's face.
He lost his job, and went into debt,
And felt he no longer had a place.

It was then he decided to join the force,
And live the rest of his life behind a gun.
All he wanted was to be a good man,
And make up for all the harm he had ever done.

It was only in the darkness he realised,
The phantom still lingered within his soul.
It ****** out all the light he ever had in him,
And left his heart as black as coal.

He now dreams of that phantom every night,
And awakens suddenly in a cold sweat.
He steps off his bunker onto the cold floor,
And is reminded of a night he can never forget.

The night when the phantom first slithered into his infant dream,
And he was lifted into his mother's arms, out of the cold.
He remembers her soothing voice, and her fingers through his hair.
But most of all he misses her solid heart of gold.

It's then he thinks about the love of his life,
And how she had once loved his heart of gold.
And it's only then, as he takes a look around him,
He realised what she meant when she said his life was sold.

He sees now, he made a big mistake,
When he stepped into the darkness away from the light.
He could not protect his brother from the bullies,
And he lost his best friend to an attacker in that fight.

Were brought to question why he let the phantom take over,
And lead him into a life out in the unknown.
What was it that was so attractive in the darkness
That ever made him want to leave home?

You brought light with you as you walked,
And illuminated the dark,
Which reflected off of my face,
As you kindled up a spark.
You create an emotion deep inside,
I could never previously force.
So, in this strange little paradise,
Darling, I'm yours.

You wrap me with your arms,
And tower me till I'm small.
You comfort me with your words,
And praise me till I grow tall.
You're an indescribable beauty,
Who causes sensations through my spine.
In this strange little paradise,
Darling, you're mine.

My hand fits perfectly into yours.
My heart opened it's doors to you,
When I searched into your eyes,
And found myself swimming in their blue.
My reflection said all they can,
And showed me the long lost light.
Now you stay close at my beside,
To whisper me goodnight.
You settled my shivers from the Winter's cold,
And held me in the Spring's early sun.
So, in this strange little paradise,
Darling, we are one.

If, day by day, your smell fades
And the distance between us grows
Larger and larger:
At least then I'll accept you've left me.

And if, with each minute, the sound of your voice
Stops echoing in my ears;
Your ego and it's reflection, pouring upon my world:
At least I will regain the ability to see.

If each moment of our relationship
Slips away, from beauty and truth,
To the lies that I now know:
At least it will be over for real.

And if with each day I stop loving you;
I stop yearning your hands, your arms and shadow,
Syncing with mine, in the light:
And least then I will truly feel.

Is this where it ends?
The pouring of words,
The same as the rain against the window.
Moisture to the grass.
Safely unlatching the gate,
The horses huff in the darkness.
The sky so bare,
But it reminds me of someone else;
Beneath his chin, beneath our dreams.
Is this where we have come?
To my insincerities,
To my lies, disguised as truths.
Half-truths, we will say.
Your arms an honour:
Your doors are opening,
Finally,
But I am locked behind my own.
Is this where the road ends?
Cooped up for too long,
The light has escaped our space;
Casting shade in your eyes
And doubt on me.
With the road that lay ahead, breaking slowly,
Crumbling in slow motion:
So loudly, so harshly.
Is this where we end?
Individual thoughts on the unknown:
Opinions and perspective
The world went upside down when you spoke,
Tossing me off my feet,
The red of my hair the last thing I recall.
An inner voice spoke then:
The clucks and the chatters faded.
Until it all became void.
But this is not the first time,
This will not be the last.
Although, it is the end:
To the vanilla latte air,
To the inconvenience.
The pins on the map are all mine now,
The administration is yours.
I have no more debt,
And the circles never combined anyway.
The sun sets while we look away,
As always,
And then we drift off:
Into the abyss, into our own worlds,
Into individuality.
Until we find our voices,
And start again.

He asks me how it is I am silent,
Yet words pour from the pen in my hand.
But how am I to answer,
When he could never understand?

How am I to explain of a man,
Or, should I say, a boy.
Who showed me how to love,
And filled my heart with joy.

You were a boy of beauty.
You cared for me like a brother.
And in my heart I grew to believe;
You were like no other.

I thought we lived in a perfect world.
And what we had was love.
But you showed me I was never more wrong.
Because angels don't fall from above.

You made me think I was number one,
And no one else could compare.
But if that's the case,
I long to know why you aren't here?

Of course these are not things that should concern me now,
They're thoughts I should ignore.
Because I found someone who truly loves,
Who I wish I had known before.

I'm wasting my breath spitting out these words,
And tiring the strength in my arm.
But I want to scream out these feelings,
I want you to know you did me harm!

I'm tired of missing you, tired of crying,
Tired from the lack of sleep.
I found you, and grew to love you,
But you were just yet another person I couldn't keep.

You stepped aside and dropped your arms,
And stood there like a solid brick wall.
With my arms outstretched, searching for warmth,
But you moved and let me fall.

Your heart went cold with the seasons.
No words came from your mouth.
I wonder if it was my fault you died inside,
That I do not doubt.

But we had a place in the world,
The beginning, where we met.
We swore to meet back there someday,
But you probably already forget.

So it all came down to this m'dear:
I've decided to reopen my doors,
Because you left me frozen, dying inside,
Holding onto a love that's no longer yours.

No words could ever explain
these feelings inside of me..

No bandage could cover the wounds.
No comforting sounds could loosen the knots.
The world has not technically stopped turning,
But it has, down deep inside of me.
A flame extinguished,
My voice, incapable.
Each muscle.. Lapsed into a numbness so ******.
My heart, it beats.
Thump thump
Against the walls that encase it,
Holding it there, steadily, in case it tries to break free.
The throbbing in my veins
and the beats of my heart
Are so powerful they invade my thoughts,
Hijacking the only thing I have control over.
The only thing left.
But they're unceremonious murderers,
Who, entrapped, could defeat.

Know this: the rain does not only
fall upon you..

There is a difference between dying alone and dying lonely..

Ten, nine-eight, seven,
Six-five, four,
Three-two, one.
Hopscotch.
No one questioned.
No one laughed or pouted.
The rain washed away the colours,
And we started again tomorrow.

Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
Seven thirty,
And so on.
We need answers.
We need reasons.
We are stuck in our tomorrows.
Our present fades out fast.

We are locked up in our timers;
Slaves to our master mints.
Our souls are dying,
With nowhere to hide
And no one to seek them.
Time does not stand still.

The chalk was our past time,
The clock is our taker,
And we play ourselves.

You were angry when you turned on your heel.
The fight was over and you were walking away.
It was just then she called out for you to "wait!",
One single thing you never expected she'd say.
You dare not face her,
Just in case she sees,
The tears that are swelling in your eyes,
And the shake that possesses your knees.
She opens up and she admits
How your last words cut her deep.
She thinks of how you want no more than friendship,
Each night while she cannot sleep.
She apologises repeatedly,
The words pour straight out from her heart.
She regrets the way that she left you,
And wishes ye had not grown apart.
Anger fills up fast inside you,
And makes it's way right to your mouth.
You ask her why she won't just let go.
She's taken aback by your shout.
Then, just as a child would,
She mumbles when she says:
It was fear that made her leave you,
And she'll regret it for the rest of her days.
You find this preposterous!
Why on Earth would she be scared?
"When" and "why" you then ask her,
And that's when she confesses she cared.
She wanted more than what you were to her.
She was searching for a soul mate,
Who would stand by her forever,
And face with her, her fate.
Your face changes when she says how
It was not a mutual thought.
You wanted nothing that she did,
And this hurt a lot.
So she explains how she left you,
Just before it was too late,
And adds that she is sorry
She has made such a state.
You are reluctant to believe her;
For how could her words be true?
She fell right into another's arms,
The second she left you!
And you speak of this disbelief,
You display all the anger you feel.
You empty your heart of it's agony,
As it's a wound you can no longer seal.
It's then she tells you she was foolish,
She believed these were feelings she could grow.
But this was a void that could not be filled by just anyone,
And there's something you must know.
As ye lock eyes for a single moment,
You cannot believe the words she has just said.
"I was wrong" she admits into the silence..
Or was that all just in your head?

If the days fly past too quickly,
And your heart just shuts it's doors.
You forget the first glimpse you took,
And you look away once more.
Will you still know what I look like?
Will my name still make you smile?
Will everything else be more important,
To only visit me once in every while?
Would you forget all of our conversations,
The ones no one else knows about?
We'll be “Mad Now, Mad 4Ever”
And, ominously, all the elephants will be wiped out!
Do you know how many times, you crawl right into my dreams?
To catch your green-eyed beauty was enough to fall in love, it seems.
You keep on coming back, like a tower in the sky,
You sit your chin upon my head as moments slowly go by.
I know you're mumbling softly, but I do not catch a word.
With my ear pressed to your body, your heartbeat's all I heard.
I continue to share that moment with your presence in my thoughts
Your hands clasped together; around me, is the only image that I caught.
I love how you call me your lady, and I call you m'dear.
And how you wrap your arms around me, as we walk, to keep me near.
I hate how I always wonder if this time you're actually gone.
Or how I simply come to believe I'm somewhere going wrong.
When I seen your face the last day, how lit-up it had got
To meet my face in a crowded place, and ground me to my spot.
There's only this one moment that draws my breath in slow:
We're on opposite sides of the street, both watching each other go.
Your smile is fading out, your figure growing small.
But in all of my memories, I feel, you never walk away at all.
So, just in case you forget m'dear
That the love in my heart is all yours.
I want you to know I'll keep it there,
'till the day you open your heart's doors

Moments are separated only by a mixture of hues.
Colours, spellbinding, fixating my mind on something else. Something new.
Bells ring out. The wind, it howls. The waves crash off the shore line.
The cold air creeps through the cold-bridge beneath my window, and slithers up my spine.
He said to hold onto these thoughts, these visions, and never doubt.
But, there's always a but, nothing stops there. That's what this is all about.
Something lurks behind all of those smiles, under that strength, that ability to stay calm.
It chases you, running around between those hues. Metaphoricalised. Causing the sweat in your palms.
And it haunts you in your day time. It robs you of your hours. Ones that could be spent in truth, but no.
You don't surrender up these thoughts. Why would you? They're doubts, they're lies. They are fear. That's why the hues still glow.
It pushes, and pushes you, until the hues are ceased of their beauty, leaving only that constant fear.
Fear, wilderness, stress. Your slumber is but comfortable. And once again you awaken from your nightmare.
It breaks into your hours and steals away your days. It conquers your rest. It darkens the hues, and leaves but light.
You twist and turn, you're struggling in the confined space in which you're in. Dark, small and tight.
The incandescence of light from the sky should illuminate the dark. I'm sick of the artificialness!
But I know for sure my words would only come out wrong if I confess..
I've decided to hide it away, the truth I mean. Although I know I shouldn't.
I know I could go on pretending forever. But, then again, I couldn't.

The one I know, but never knew, that went away all too soon.
Up to join old Orion, and to sit alongside the moon.
The five days they got with you, so many things unsaid.
Time I got not to spend with you, though footsteps that you led.
The one week, your two eyes, the three days and four,
The fives days, your whole life. The breath in you, 'till it was no more.

One; like the date of the day that you were born.
One; like the week they received before they had to mourn.
One, the first of summer, the sun that shone so dark.
One, like the sound of nature all around. Trees with the early bark.
One hundred and fifty five minutes distance from here to there.
One, like the feeling so deep, the one I live to bare.
One; the smile, I'll never quite get to see.
One; the person, you'll never really be.
One single hug that I'll never get to feel.
This little talk that I share with you whilst I kneel.
One simple blink before you were to leave me be.
But every single day since, from Heaven you were to guide me.

Two were the little shoes, you never got to wear.
Two perfect angel eyes they were lucky to get to share.
Two tiny hands you had, that they never got to hold.
Two, like the normal second day, within the story that's told.
Two tiny heart beats before you were to leave me be.
But every single day since, from Heaven you were to guide me.

Three were your names, never added to.
Three, like my position, next child down from you.
Three like the third day you joined the Christian church.
Three days that came, to leave their lives besmirched.
Four, the next to follow, awaiting the final day.
Four fifths of your life, near to the whole way.
The third or fourth thought upon you, before you were to leave me be.
But every single day since, from Heaven you were to guide me.

Five days seems small to be a whole life time.
But the days after yours were ones only left to mime.
Five days to teach a shadow not yet born to take the trail.
The disrupted peace of Cliffoney, on this road I stride alone to wail.
I try to reach you, but you're too far above.
No way to let you feel my deeper, inner love.
For Ben Bulben is the highest I have ever really got.
My tears the Trawalua waves had reached out and caught.

A rhythm of words, too short to tell it all.
This holy gesture, act of God that took you there, leaves only my childlike call.
A call that seizes every heart rendering beat,
And helps me to feel your presence above from beneath.
No matter where I go in life, any place I will be,
I know you'll give me directions, hope and always make me happy.
You're my home I know so well. A sense of place so sure.
I know I only have to look up, when I feel you're here no more.
For you give me position, in a place I don't know, or perhaps do.
Lost is something, I found myself, when I found, I had lost you.
The one week, your two eyes, the three days and four,
The fives days, your whole life, the breath in you, 'till it was no more.

Down came the first drops of rain, before the storm.
And just like that, in two words, came the end.
The end to a work-in-progress; to a commitment;
To a lover; to a most treasured friend.

Down came the tower I built up to keep me safe.
Closed became the arms that kept me warm.
Cold came the air that froze my soul.
Gone, was my home.

Out stood the ocean's beauty.
And clear became the skies.
Drowned behind the tears,
Disappeared; your eyes.

My legs took off running,
Tripping with the fear.
You awaited a response from my lips,
But my words just weren't there.

For a moment, I was absent.
Smiling, within a dream.
We were holding hands in the sunshine,
And we were on the same team.

But then the storm poured down upon us,
And I turned to see your face.
I know what those words did to you,
I can almost feel your heart race.

I know I'm supposed to feel pain.
I'm supposed to feel sorrow.
But instead, I just feel numb.
Thinking only about tomorrow.

What am I going to do on my own?
And who will I tell my stories to?
Will I be okay out there by myself?
..And then I think of you.

Will you remember me, the way you last described,
With a deep unwelcoming hatred for you?
The person who ****** the joy out of life,
Who no longer laughed, who was always blue?

Will you wake up one morning,
And regret everyday of our one year?
Or will you just move on without me,
And pretend I was never there?

I run, and I run, as fast as my legs can move,
Chasing a single moment, circling the same mile.
And just as I see you in the distance,
You vanish with your smile.

I know how hard those words were for you.
And I know they broke your heart.
There was a lot I did want to say,
But inside, I just fell apart.

We are not made of glass,
So we simple cannot be broken.
At least, that's what I was once told.
I now question is he understood the words he had spoken.

Because the rock that is my heart,
Shattered as if it were,
To the thought of being that monster you described.
I never wanted to be her.

So I say goodbye to my most treasured person,
And hello to the loneliness and pain,
That I'm surrounded by in the darkness,
As I sit alone in the rain.

I tried to think of the words that would best describe that game,
I sat and wondered why Arturs had not felt the same.
Then, I questioned if his “opinion” was simply just an act,
Because the game was awfully dreadful, and that's a matter of fact!

Once we were passing strangers
With no knowledge of each others names.
And there had not yet been the memories,
Or the photos in the frames.

We had never said the words,
Or greeted as we passed.
Or agreed on a certain relationship.
No atmosphere had been cast.

We had not worried about tomorrow,
Or if we'd see each other soon.
We had never thought about a future, together,
Or promised each other the moon.

We had our own paths to walk on,
And our own futures to live for.
But then one day our paths crossed,
And we felt loneliness, no more.

I often believed it metaphorical,
When I witnessed people part.
How it seemed they were leaving forever,
Separating at the heart.

I thought of the directionality,
The opposite ways they would go.
And I felt a little melancholy,
For the things they'd never know.

That same belief remains within me,
I still fear those metaphoric ends.
Now though, with you, I realise,
We'll always part as friends.

Talk to me, in sweet melodies,
In a language my heart will understand.
Sweep me up into arms of strength,
And drop me gently, so I stand.

Take me into your glorious heat,
Introduce a world of painted teal.
Direct me to a path into the light.
Show me something real.

Capture the blue that's taken residence,
And release it back into the distance of the skies.
Hold me under blanketing stars, and the moon.
Promise me, deeply, into my eyes.

And hold on to that promise.
Remain honest, to yourself, and to me.
Then you can leave me safely, unaltered,
And we'll both be free.

Hold on to your dreams, my darling.
I know things have not been as you imagined.
Think of tables overturning,
Steel-topped boots stomping.
Think of feathers flowing in the draught,
The whispers, circulating the halls.
Think of home,
And the answers you found.

Hold on to the joy, my love.
That fell on your shoulders,
Just as your hair, those beautiful curls,
And that red dress,
Flowing to your knees.
Think of that smile and every other that followed.

Hold on to the hope you had, my dear.
You held on for so long already.
Think about the days that are coming,
The sunrises at dawn,
The sunsets at dusk.
Think of the pavements you have yet to set foot upon,
And the eyes you have yet to meet.

Hold on to the person you were, my heart.
The person you now need most.
Think of the fear that shook your breathe,
The frost that froze your toes,
And the tears that fell from those blue, blue eyes.
Think of the promises you swore in secrecy,
Those weighted words,
Those truths.

Hold on to the faith you keep deep down, sweetheart.
It will get you through the darkest hours.
Think of the lights that have been extinguished,
The ashes that have been poured back to the Earth.
Think of the love that you aim up to the sky,
The unrequited warmth you send to the world,
Think about moving forward.
Think about how far you've moved since.

Hold on to the words you heard before,
The ones that still bounce around within.
Think about the essence of their details,
The lips they fell out of,
The way they made you feel.
Think about those words when you're moving,
Build a home for them within,
Visit from time to time.

And hold on to all the reasons why.
Hold on as tight as you can.
Keep them locked up in your fortress,
Away from the world outside.

And when the day did come..
You were yet another in the crowd.
Your hair loose, your posture tilted
Against the warm air around.
We did not speak at once,
For your name was only one to guess.
Your voice soft to my ears
Your face as bright as day.

And when the day did come..
Your eyes were faded, blue.
Your giggles would never run out.
And your words just came out even.
Your actions were ones to love.
The time well spent, all mine.
Pictures for my books.
Letters from another self.

And when the day did come..
That a man took hold of your hand:
And pulled you away to a place,
Where I became no one to -.
Your face had fallen down,
Your eyes kept closing, slow.
No words came from your mouth.
And we were just no more.

And when the day did come..
When I felt a deep, hard loss.
The pain came down above,
My cheeks with warm, wet salt.
Your face, clear in my mind,
And name, choked in my throat.
Nothing left inside..
You took the whole **** lot!

And when the day did come..
When I caught you looking at.
Heart; pounding in my chest,
And breathing all too fast.
No words came from my mouth,
Or movements from my hands.
My feet did all I could.
Acceptance was the need.

I stand here today:
The mayor of this broken town;
The president you needed;
The one to lead us home.

Except today, you sit.
You do not feel joyous.
You do not believe.
You have fallen, clutching for dear life.

Tomorrow, I think, will be more.
Lustrous I am, at the thought:
Of my own words;
Of my own promises.

Give to you what I plan for me,
Giving back what I did not take.
Tomorrow, you will have more than today,
You will have more than you could ever dream.

Realism was never my strong point.
I stand here full of dreams.
I stand here with less than you need.
But I stand here.

Because yesterday was the worst of all.
Yesterday broke us.
Yesterday took a piece of us with it,
Took more than we can replace.

You sit quietly, teasing the words from my mouth.
It is you I stand here for.
Your soulless eyes waiting,
For me, for more.

It’s not a secret.
It’s not a superpower.
I will be yours forever.
Falling -

Gently, you whisper.
Dust particles surf the light.
The blue of your eyes;
Oceans.

I felt it only once.
Hip to hip,
One seat for us both:
Sharing.

He can make you marvellous.
He can make you real.
I know because I am,
Now.

The day of love;
The tan and the silk.
I believed you then;
Once.

The person I was is not who I know.
You were always a mystery.
There was no room for me:
Ego.

He asked me once
Why I was around:
These years were mine to hold,
Individually.

A silver van for a golden man.
Two years boxed in.
One too many lies:
Excuses.

Temporary and insignificant:
It all came with the package.
All out of view of the shot,
Hidden.

Did you learn what it was to be a man?
It hit me in the moment,
And, again, since.
Twice.

Respect and sincerity,
Trust and commitment.
Appearance in forms:
Clean.

It applies to us both.
Our souls did not dance.
The sun did not shine,
Often.

The smog skewed my view.
I was an imposter.
I said too much at once:
Insecure.

Sitting there, silent,
I soaked it in.
Few words were spoken but I was released:
Free.

Paint me a picture;
Our souls aligned for just a moment.
The midnight sky, heavy with ***** of fire:
Just as your eyes.

We were the grey,
In a world of black and white.
A picturesque sea;
The history beneath.

Tell me a story:
A flame that burned within.
Two people standing,
One foot apart.

Side by side,
In a world of mystery.
Individuals as we’re standing,
But one in ecstasy.

Put them together,
Place your palm in mine.
Stand with me atop the highest heights.
Beam from within.

We are forever,
In consciousness, in unison.
Though we are apart.
We will meet again in Arcadia.

Once, we thought about meadows;
Brushing hands so gently above the tips of the grass.
One might have been offended by the trespass.
Then again, they did not know.

And once we thought about the future:
The stream of light echoing through the cracks.
We did not think of obstacles,
Or circuits, at all.

Too early the years came.
When that excitement became fright.
Those lights dimmed down, low.
The obstacles became barriers.

And at once it rushed through me.
I have to kneel to see it the same way.
We are unable to stand still.
The cracks were closed in.

I'm done, take the bag from my back.
Take the coat from my shoulders and let me fall.
All of my insecurities, all of my dreams,
Have lead me here.

Where are you in my coldest hours?
In the moments I stand still.
Broken by the shards of life that blew up in your face,
Not the ones that fell from mine.

I take each step I can, facing forward;
Etching onward, slowly and oblivious.
But you coax me to you,
You bring me back to you.

Letting go of the belief,
Of the intent I stacked up in your favour.
Letting go of it was the hardest thing,
So I couldn't do it. I never did.

Sitting in that booth, face to face:
Colours flickered, the world glitched.
Those shards of me, the broken pieces,
They trembled softly.

Each one lifted by the desire,
Troubled by the change.
I tried to collect them up,
I wanted to, more than anything.

Instead I left them there,
I did not break them further,
And I pulled myself back to reality.
Out of stillness.

And though the shards remain,
They have been smoothed at the edges.
They are not sharp to touch,
But they will never fit again.