He came everyday to see her 
As her life slowly withers
She mount every will to endure the pain
With him standing to catch her faint
There's no way she can submit to fear
Frail like a snail slowly reaching the end
He didn't give up, he knew she'll get better

He loved her through her 
misery and pain. Even though 
she was fading out into the black 
and grey. He promised to kiss her 
and stay. With his shining light he 
let her demons come out and play 
and managed to stop the sad songs 
that were stuck on in her head every 
single day. Hand in hand he walked 
with her out of the dark while he tore 
the shadows that used to follow her apart. 
Kissing her under the night sky claiming 
that he was love drunk. Turning her lips 
to crushed cranberry red. “You’ll get better 
I promise” he said.

She kept thinking what if she dies
And he finds another soul
She hated that thought
But she rendered to the cold
She knew deep inside
She's not getting  better
Her life filching barely at its end
She smiled through pretense crescent
Deceiving like the moon gleaming
Fate fall through and disguised in surprise
Accidents love kissing loyal men
She survived and he died
She cries forever
Until she listens to his last voicemail
"Baby, I don't wanna say this. But I told you so.. you got well. I'm sorry I couldn't make it till the end, so please learn to love again."

This is the last thing I'll let you know,
Before I say goodbye,
Before I let you go..

I forgot the reasons that brought on this end.
Wiped back the tears that I let fall.
Changed your title as my friend.
Unraveled your lies and figured it all.

I found the answers to the questions I had.
Spent all of my time trying to know you true.
It seems I, somehow, banished your bad.
I guess, it was because, I really did love you.

Now all I want, is for you to know,
Why I'm saying goodbye,
And why I'm letting you go..

I see your face through every crowd,
And within the moments you're not even there.
The silence became extremely loud.
It seems, I lost myself somewhere.

The knots in my stomach became undone.
As you continued to walk, in my mind, you grew small.
My journey backwards suddenly begun,
And I swiftly remembered it all.

The moment you had first taken hold of my hand.
Posed for a photograph with that crooked smile.
Times when, together, we would stand.
Or walk, if not even, for a single mile.

So this, my dear, I hope you know
I've said goodbye,
But I can't let you go.

I took back every single word I had ever said.
Tore out the chapters from the story of us.
Broke everything in sight, if only within my head.
Woke up one morning, and boarded that bus.

The glimmer in my eyes dimmed down slow.
I recanted the first smile that welcomed you that day.
Collected up the pieces of my heart, and decided to go.
I gave you one more look, and then turned the opposite way.

come to me.
to the floor where i kneel
in front of you.
follow me- pay attention close
and bend.
your will.
your beliefs,
your promises.
your boundaries.
your comfort.
follow me with your stare as i slither back above the floor.
and crawl over
your expectations
your judgments
your rehearsed words
dripping like drool from a baby's lip.
delight, devine
as i slide off this good girl's skin
contain your
greed
disbelief
desire while i
take you up mountains in your mind, lover.
i raise you from the center of the sky.
while i  blind you with lust
'till you feel silken places inside-
so fragile they will tear
ill bring the goblet to your mouth sir-
with the richest ruby reds slither down your throat as if it were alive.
oh yes, we will climb,
feel the mount behind us holding us up... wind up so high must be stealing our breath
I will give you touch, lover.
the kind you never found in all your searches.
the kind the does the touching with it's shadow not it's skin
and the shadow dances to tickle in the most promising of places.
yes ill give you whispers up here-bounce them around
like a helium star
slowly whisper here, bouncing, slowly whisper there.
rake what used to be my fingers....
now though they are sticks from the forest bound together to
glide through your silky hair and leave their beautiful pine scent.
come to me, and share old magic
just a baby of the woods-
lay you on a bed of branches
cold leaves, borough in your naked skin...
bring to me now your empty pallet
and fill my sorrow with your fight.



sahn.  
11/23/2018

My friend, to truly feel or love is a weakness
As it seems, nothing is real
Everything is an apparition of the original
I was stabbed just as you were
I sank in the illusion of a disguised fallacy

Now we should learn and show proof by also becoming actors
By recycling the cycle and keep it rotating
Let the naive take our place and keep believing
Because this illusion must be kept and not rooted out
It is necessary for balance

We, the ones who have experienced must also inflate its genuine existence and bask in the glory of knowing that its all a fallacy
It's all but a game.

What do you know about silence?
Silence on the other end of the phone.
No breathing.
No laughing.
No crying.
Silence.
The white noise of fear.

What do you know about helplessness?
Helplessness in your own eyes.
Nothing you can do.
Nothing you can say
Nothing but watching
Helplessness
The catylyst of fear

What do you know about loss?
Loss of you mind, your friend.
It's too late he's gone
It's too late he's forgotten
It's too late you're crying
The post-mortem of fear

What do you know about me?
Me and my tired eyes.
Numb is my mind
Numb are my fingers
Numb everywhere
The desolation of fear

*The Suicide Diaries