there is more than one type of cold.
there’s the cold from that winter wind
it blows through the window
with the hole in it and it sneaks around
the curtains and comes up
through the floor
there’s the cold during the summer
when it’s ninety degrees in the shade
and you turn on the a/c in the car
and it numbs your fingers
and the backs of your arms
there’s the cold when you’re sick
and ten blankets couldn’t reach the chill
that’s made its way inside
and your eyelids feel the fever drifting
there’s the cold that arrives when you’re scared
when you’re nervous
it nestles just under the skin
and you’re losing feeling in your fingers
there is more than one type of cold
but you’re the only one
that ever made me freeze.

i no longer write when im sad
because sadness no longer writes for me

sad in a blur in my rear view
now the occasional melancholy dusk

the rear view does not mean as much as my windshield
i drive towards the sunrise

oranges and yellows
blues and pinks

sadness blends now
it is no longer a solid hue

i have love
i have a horizon to drive towards

no matter where it leads
i am driving nonetheless

oh sunshine
  how do i tell you?
  i am flying so high
  above these clouds
  weightlessly mine

            **oh sunshine
                 how do i show you
                 the butterflies that live in me
                 my veins full of ecstasy
                 the warmth of that summer breeze

oh sunshine
  the monsoon comes closer
  and that rain is here to purify
  everything will find its place
  there is so much to see
  so little to say

             oh sunshine
                  how do i show you
                  there is so much more warmth than cold
                  these golden rays never get old
                  the grass blades sway with hope
                  there is so much more to live for

oh sunshine
  the morning is yet to come
  the dawn is where you're from
  hold my hand and let me show you
  together we'll run
  straight into the sun

pulling up to the lot, walking up to the doors
every instinct in me is yelling, screaming for me not to go inside
right in the front of the room, is a picture of you
the person we all knew: a jokester, an easy going, happy person
or so we thought
your friends are all crying, you can see the heartbreak on their faces
and i dont really like crying in public, so i try to hold back
but the tears wont keep themselves contained; they demand to be let out
i meet your mom for the first time, and wow does she look just like you
i smile for her, try to suppress the true emotions im feeling for her
cause god knows how she must be feeling right now
i see you inside the casket, and my stomach drops as i remember the first time we talked, the last time we talked, and everything in between
i wonder if i missed a signal or a sign that couldve clued me in to how you were truly feeling inside
and before i know it, it's my turn to say goodbye for the last time
but i cant stay there long; i cant look at you too deeply because truthfully i dont see you. i see an empty shell, a clone, a fake of what is supposed to be you but simply isnt you.
we hug everyone goodbye
we tell each other to be safe and that we'll be in touch soon
and then we leave
and that is all.

*******.

and i guess i am selfish. because i really, really want you to be happy, always. i wanna see that smile that made me fall so hard for you. but i dont wanna see you happy if its with another person. i dont want you happy holding someone elses hand. i dont want you happy celebrating an anniversary with someone else. and i definitely, definitely dont want you to be happy, in love with someone else. because i want to be enough for you, i want you to feel your most excitement and wholeness and inner peace with me. i want you to be in love with me. i cant just be all poetic and beautifully tragic about it. i cant just think "i want you to be happy, even if thats not with me," because its not true. i want you to be happy, and i want to be the person that makes you happy. its as simple and frustrating as that.