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yes, i know,
your heart is aching
it needs to be handled with attention
and care
but no one seems to care
enough to be careful

yes, i know,
it hurts, it's in black
and white
you can't see/feel the colour

yes, i know,
sometimes you need
a friend.
me too.

if i could be a friend
the pale blue through your window
i'd paint your world in colour-
in every colour
with the tips
of my fingers
and i'd be careful.
for a friend, simply platonic.
sometimes,
i don't know what to say.
so i won't say much.
or i won't say
anything.

i'll just
let our eyes meet,
let my skin
brush against yours,
let you see
my cheeks
burn
the colour of redwood.

and then?
and then i will hope.
i will hope
for that to be enough.

with my hand
on your thigh
and your hand
over mine.

and my heart
saying everything
my mouth
can not.
i want to love but my heart is locked away.
everyone has a story and mine is painted
the color of the oceans on the bermuda coastline.
it’s so beautiful/sad/broken/much like art.
my skin sometimes shimmers like that lake by your
house in florida, the lake that knows how to dance
in the moonlight like we did that night when you
you put an arm over my shoulders and we swayed
like lovers to a song others have kissed so passionately to.
it’s funny. i saw you and i saw your story.
i saw it painted in sunsets,
and sun showers,
and tears in the rain.
you had a story with the colors of fresh bruises, and it intermingled with mine.
what if i let my soul spill out onto a canvas again?
would we be able to pretend
like this love never had to end
and could we blend our colors together
like the watercolor paints we’re made of
and transcend
above the pain and
the darkness
that envelops us
and our story?
what does it mean to have a story?
i wonder this, as i instinctively tell ours
and hope that i left some fingerpaint
on your heart.
i hope
you can set me apart from anyone you have ever loved.
i still love
you in color although my world's gone grey
even though i have to keep reminding myself that
your voice sounds like a violet galaxy
because it’s got the kind of stars i may never get to see
again.
once again i am left to watch a lover on the sidelines
and it’s like my
heart is forever breaking in the night time
and the daytime.
all the blasted time.
i’m crying on my knees
praying to a god i never used to believe
in but only a higher power could cause this bleeding
of love that i was seeking.
and now i understand the meaning in
be careful what you wish for.
and i am unsure
of what i miss more.
the purple streak in your hair,
the look in your eyes,
the embraces,
the kisses,
the glow in the dark,
the float above the ground,
the couldn’t care less,
the sounds,
of your voice,
your laugh,
your heartbeat,
the way you’d effect my heartbeat…
i had stars in my eyes, babe,
but the stars bleed
and i hardly see
anything but what we
used to be.
we used to be everything in every galaxy
and me?
i used to be,
i used to be,
i used to be free.
can’t you see it’s killing
me, turning my colors grey?
can’t you just
wouldn’t you just
please just
stay.
stay a moment while i find the right words to paint.
the right words to say.
words the color of love/fear/the bay/promise.
because i love you like a promise
soft, pale blue, and the skyline,
ever present, never evanescent and true.
i want to continue this story,
because we were so lovely
and we had so much more
in store.
of love, paints, and stories
That girl sitting there
Such a beautiful tragedy
Her body her grave
Her mind is a travesty
You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
And I know that.

But I can't rediscover it every ******* day.
I can't return to that epiphany
every time my alarm clock goes off.
It's unnatural.

But what I can do, and do quite naturally,
is become jaded and unimpressed by it.
I can see your beauty as normal,
as one of my life's many constants.

I can climb atop its shoulders and travel about,
rolling my eyes at sunsets and rainbows,
dismissing all the beauty of the world as
less than average.

And I complain to you about it.
And you can deduce your beauty from that.
 Sep 2017 Grace Spellman
Toni
I'm beautiful
You've told me all evening
and will tell me all night
but will I still be beautiful
*in the morning?
Everyday i died.
Everyday i doubted
Everyday i felt insane
Everyday i lived in fear
Everyday i hated myself
Everyday i didnt eat... sometimes.
Everyday i bent to your will
Everyday i suffered in silence
Everyday i hated you
Everyday i couldnt take it
Everyday i thought of running
Everyday i dreamed of what it could be like
Everyday i lost my trust in everyone
Everyday no one could understand
Everyday i lost myself
Everyday i crumbled
Everyday i felt ashamed
Everyday i couldnt recognize myself anymore

BUT NOW...

Everyday i get a little stronger,
Everyday i get a little braver,
Everyday i hurt a little less,
Everyday i feel a bit more free,
Everyday i trust a bit more,
Everyday i feel a little wiser,
Everyday you control me less and less,
Everyday im a little happier,
Everyday i find myself
Everyday i feel proud
Everyday i follow my heart
Everyday i find a bit more of myself
Everyday i put back pieces you stole
Everyday i heal...
Everyday i grow...
Everyday i am reborn...
Everyday i am more me than i was before
Everyday i am thankful for what ive survived
Everyday i am alive...
Everyday i am living in spite of you.
i used to be
afraid of death
isn't that funny
because now
i like killing myself
i like the feeling of
being torn apart by
other people's opinions
i beg them to tell the truth
even when i know
it's not what i want to hear
tell me
tell me you liked my hair longer
before i cut it short
tell me
tell me i'm too skinny
that i should put on some weight
tell me
tell me you're shocked
tell me i should know these basic things
i want the truth
not a sugar coating
and i don't exactly want it to hurt
but i'm starting to think
it is better than nothing
 Sep 2017 Grace Spellman
Audora
Moon
 Sep 2017 Grace Spellman
Audora
The moon is hiding in
her  hair
I will love you but not forever
Because time will not define a feeling so divine
But this is not the reason why

I will love you, but not as strongly
Because slowly and surely, commitment will be the key
But this is not the reason why

I will love you, but not as consistently
Because my eye cannot vye with two to compromise
But this is not the reason why

And the reason why must not shock you
It must not phase or break you, this is not to contain you
It will never mean to release you
But hope, to engage you

Because
I will not love you forever
Because of another
And this is without hesitation, nonchalant
One who may be a little ignorant
But will always be more observant
Deserving, learning, and maybe even infinitely more important

Because as you will see,
And I hope you know what this means
Together we were never meant to be two souls in a constant tether;

I will love our child forever
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