i want to be loved
and held
and helped
i want to be
something small
to carry around in a lovers pocket
like a rock
a nice smooth
nearly round rock
like a squished oval in shape
i want someone to look at me
for hours
discovering and observing
but never judging
i want someone
who sees the cracks in my stone skin
and runs their thumb over them
cherishing the contrast
from light to dark
i want the tiny dimples and spots on my face
to be seen like glittering minerals
embedded in stone
trapped from years of movement and change
i want someone to look at me
and see my journey
appreciate the things hidden within

i want to be loved
the way i loved
when i was still young
and fun

citrus colored
acid and sweet
balanced
stable
like apricots
and nectarines
sunflower yellow
i want to be free
not perfect or pretty
just want to be me

do i pretend
like i dont know you?
do i say hello?
make a joke?

i saw you come in
and i hoped you wouldn't see me
im pretty sure you did though

everybody seems to think im going to be a huge ***** about this
but really im just confused
and sorry
and sad.

once upon a time

there was a bear
who was hungry and lost
and alone.

the bear trundled about a field
of wildflowers
smelling the sweet breeze
and hearing the buzz
of the bees.

one bee landed
on the tip of his nose
she was tired
she hated her job
she felt like she didn't fit
into her hive.

the bee saw the bear
and the bear saw the bee
and they saw each other's sadness.

the bee continued to come to the field
to gather nectar
hoping to see the bear again.

eventually they became friends
and they learned things about each other
the bear looked rough
but he was gentle and kind
and the bee looked small
but her sting was fierce.

the bee loved the bear
but she never thought he could love her back.

she was a bee from a farm
and he came from the woods.

but hope bloomed in the bees heart
when he said
he loved her back
and she vowed to be his
through it all.

she stayed by his side
through the winter when he slept
and in return he stayed by hers
when summers were too hot
and nectar too heavy.

lets get away from this field
said the bear
we can find somewhere vast
and floral and buoyant with life.

the bee went.

they discovered long streams
and slept in dark valleys
and they traveled the world

because the bear loved the bee
and she loved the bear
and they both loved
honey

the beat of my music
reminds my heart of its job
and keeps me alive.

a friend
who has a secret
a crush
she won't tell me
I am betrayed
it is someone
tallish
brown hair and eyes
who I may
or may not know

today was my last day with my therapist
he's heard your name a lot in the last year
today we just played air hockey
while i talked about all of the times you made me smile

he didn't say much
he just let me cry

i don't feel better, really
but it was nice to think about you
to not push any memories down
just let it all flow

i miss you.
i'm too tired to feel angry or scared
or anything at all.

i can't explain why
i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel
but i know i still love you
and i'm pretty sure i always will.

he is a wolf
and i love his bite
i offer him my throat to hold in his jaws
my heart to hold in his hands

        "you bit me"
        "yeah"
        "not your thing?"
        "i don't know"

maybe it is

your cries of loathe
only further fuel my endeavors
i am a formidable force
and i will not be stopped
i love you
and i will continue
to be a disturbing and affectionate
animal
until you give me
what i want

the color of insomnia. the color of losing too much weight. the color of bad *** and regrets. the color of never really healing. the color being alone.

look at me, all scrubbed up and shiny
look at me, im so happy!
i go to church
i smile real pretty
i never talk back
i never act ******
im a good worker
a good friend, a good kid
im polite and responsible
i dont wish i was dead
im not crazy
not angry
not wild
not free
im not reckless
not silly
not colored
not me

ive been split open and emptied
fixed up by a shrink
im not anything special
dear god, ive been bleached!

lost is blue
like the ocean
and your eyes
deep is love
yet solitary
beautiful
broken

a while ago i wrote
about looking in the mirror
and not liking what i saw.

a while ago i believed
that i could only be
the things that everyone else saw in me
the woman she was.

but broken mirrors still reflect

every little sliver of glass still says, indefinitely,
"this is who you are"

so instead of breaking mirrors
i looked in them
and decided that if i didn't like what i saw,

well, i was just going to have to change it.

bursting
blooming
i am
growing
making friends
good friends
friends i love
friends i can trust
i am just a bud of a person
just now learning who i am
but i like what i see
and im glad to become
something beautiful

it is so hard to know what you want,
what you're trying to say.
you're like a little bug with wings
that won't quit bumping into my eyes
and buzzing in my ear.
but a cute bug
one that reminds me of the ocean and summer camp and being in love.
i would put you a a mason jar
with holes in the top,
so you can breathe. (duh)
and i would take you to my favorite fields
and alleys and stores.
show you all the things that make me happy
and try to make you happy too.

but i dont think
you would like being in a jar.
even one with holes in the top.

i could tell you
for hours on end
how much i loathe myself
how every time i breathe
life feels like a disgusting virus
burrowing inside me
i could tell you about the days that i starved myself
hoping it would end me
i could tell you about the frightening speed
at which i can tie a noose
and you would never understand that i want to live

i cold tell you about my past
my real past
not california
but nine years of being beaten and neglected
then jumped around foster care
finally, finally getting a home
but you know how that is
and you would never understand that i need them

i know that i hurt you
i know you never felt like you should have
i know i never made you happy
i know i "got into your head" whatever that means
you know all of these things too
but you will never understand how much it hurt me

not you
you did nothing but try to save yourself
i hurt myself
its the only thing i'm good at
and i'm sorry you got hurt in the process.

you are
warmth
fire
depth
honesty
everything
absolutely everything

they are eyes that have a special color
the exact color of the ocean in california.

it isn't the same ocean as anywhere else
it's the color of home.

it isn't a color at all really,
more of a feeling.

the feeling of your skin burning
and cool blue-green-grey.

it can't be copied
or drawn or painted.

it is the color
of being
in love.

i want
to hear
you talk

it can be anything
just say something
to me

lets talk about the little things
and laugh over the phone
just so we don't forget

she's really nice
and very pretty
~
she does my eyeliner for me
she has pockets full of strawberry sugar
and candy colored hair
~
she likes music and art
and maybe even me
~
she's like bubble gum
and a ****** nose
(if that makes any sense at all)
~
she doesn't care
that i'm
too tall
too skinny
too much
~
she's just...
nice
to me
for no reason
~
huh.

because when i get what i want
i don't want it anymore
when i write
my words aren't pretty
i don't speak in symbols
or talk about the moon and sun and stars
im dying
without love or beauty inside me

red blue yellow
blood red
sky blue
teeth yellow
sad song
bad song
i really
really
don't like this song
it gives me the heebies
it gives me the jeebies
its a cute
happy
carnival song

endorphins flood my mind
bubbling up behind my eyes
in vivid blues, greens, and pinks,
setting every nerve on edge
solid pounding through my veins
pushing lava to the surface
lighting it on fire
heating the soft trails
your fingers leave on my skin.

i dont want to be pretty or perfect
i dont want to be loved
or held close and adored
i dont want to be her world
her sunshine, her favorite person

i dont want people to depend on me
it hurts too much to let them down

i dont want those memories back
of being wrong, feeling evil and disgusted with myself
i never want to see those guilty scars
the ones i used to write anger on my arms

i dont want to hate myself
which means i cant let anyone love me

i don't think
i will ever do that again.
i know you aren't mad
or upset even,
but it felt wrong
and i don't want it
to happen again.

i want to slam my face onto the tile until i black out
i just want to sleep
im so sick of this
im not doing it anymore
im making the decisions, right?
well my decision is:
~chill~
im not pretending
im not trying
just rolling with it
cali style

just go with the flow
i want(need) something real right now.
no more words
no more stupid fake ****
just
chill


okay?

on my own words
on regret
on misunderstanding
on rage

choking myself over and over
for things i cant help and cant change
and never going blue in the face
because evil doesn't need to breathe

this house
is so ridiculously depressing

i try to lighten it up
fill the walls with my laughter when i can
rebel against the grey
i paint my nails neon
i fill my room with art

i got the best job i could find
i spend my work days
making people happy
inspiring young minds
i built a safe space
a childish place
where little girls can be pirates and pilots and monsters
where little boys can be artists and princesses and play with dolls
where the quietest people can go wild
and the wild can relax in the garden
it's a happy place
filled with good laughter

maybe you should visit

a moment
of holding your hands
swaying to the music
of wind chimes
and voices.
tile floors
metal water
that tastes like red
you taste like red.